I'm not sure what my limit is, but if he has to go to her for emotional intimacy then I know I won't be comfortable sharing my deepest concerns or other things with him. Be a friend and coparent? Most likely yes.
the COW seems to be the 3rd voice in your M
Gently, gently - so let's label this what it is. An open marriage. She gets all the intimacy while you take second place in his affections and keep doing all the parenting and real life day to day heavy lifting to keep his life running smoothly.
Are you really considering this? Is this okay with you? Because if he continues the A (you put up with their "workplace friendship" and he continues investing emotions in her) you will be in an open marriage.
Now I'm gonna be blunt. IMHO there's big time gaslighting going on here (from both) about what her sexual orientation is (or isn't) and any physical feelings they have for each other. She's married to a man, correct? And your H's insistence that there's nothing to consider there because he's "asexual" seems off - and perhaps scripted. Think about it. Do you text your same sex friends a gazillion times a day to the detriment of people in real life and get all sparkly - get that texting dopamine rush from a "friend"? He's in love with her. But physical feelings (or actions?) aren't part of the picture? EAs are like courtship. He isn't investing himself in a month's long EA and putting your marriage at risk because they're pals. Folks with functioning libidos and body parts like to have sex. If the goal is to rebuild trust and eventually reconcile, seems coming clean and being honest about the physical attraction is important. Otherwise that will always be an elephant in the room. And, if the EA hasn't crossed the physical line yet (?) it's probable it will become physical if the A continues.
Your recovery, with or without him, depends on you taking control.
It's been only a month and you are still reeling. Understandable. You're doing great all things considered! But things on his side seem to be headed towards rug sweeping and minimization, not healing you and rebuilding the marriage. PLEASE stand up for yourself and demand an end to his trickery and mind in the blender strategy. It's time for the 180. Stop doing for him. IC for you. How about demanding that STD panel to demonstrate your resolve? At least get tested yourself and share the results with him. Shake him up. Not sure what else you can do at this point but take control as he is entrenching himself further in la la land rather than acknowledging the real damage he's done. Keeping the "work friendship" intact is TRAUMATIZING YOU. So, YES he is choosing her over you. Avoiding "awkwardness" with her at work is more important than acknowledging and dealing with your pain! I would be gutted also! Do you have a plan B exit strategy set up? Might be good to think about putting something in place.
Hang in there and keep posting. Sometimes it's difficult to take in what folks have to say, but we really do want to help. For you to find your way out of infidelity and not just survive this, but eventually thrive. You have a good head on your shoulders. You can do what you need to do to protect yourself and your child.
[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 4:52 AM, Thursday, January 27th]
