SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have you gone "up the ladder" of this Christian organization to expose this guy?

Yes, I have and continue to do so. But soon it will be lawyers, police and the state talking to them.

I like your game plan. I hope you hunt their guys down. Also I hope you make sure at the appropriate time to notification the other BS

"I'm sorry, I'm not discussing that with you right now," works now and every time she tries to entrap you into talking to her.

Solid Gold from Cat on how to deal with the encounters where you have to be together for those short periods of time.

Those highly valued qualities are still inside you. Someone else will be the beneficiary of those in the future. You've just had to put them on the top shelf for a time.

36, have you still been in contact with the woman you dated before your M? I recall she gave you some useful intel post Dday.

I'm glad you've found your anger. It's a great motivator when it is directed, and not blind. I expect you are applying your professional skillset to making your case.

36, have you still been in contact with the woman you dated before your M? I recall she gave you some useful intel post Dday.

I'm confused or maybe just exhausted. Explain, please.

Sad to say I am not surprised this is a "Christian" organization. The older I get, the more suspicious (and rightfully so) I become of any type of organization that claims to be faith based. In my experience, most of them are far more immoral at the top than any secular organization I have dealt with. It really makes me sick.

If there really is a God, I hope they get more severe punishment in the afterlife for misrepresenting him.

Sad to say I am not surprised this is a "Christian" organization. The older I get, the more suspicious (and rightfully so) I become of any type of organization that claims to be faith based. In my experience, most of them are far more immoral at the top than any secular organization I have dealt with. It really makes me sick.

If there really is a God, I hope they get more severe punishment in the afterlife for misrepresenting him.

I agree wholeheartedly. Actions always speak louder than professions of faith.

Just out of curiosity, does your wife consider herself a Christian? 'Cause damn.

Have you gone "up the ladder" of this Christian organization to expose this guy?

Yes, I have and continue to do so. But soon it will be lawyers, police and the state talking to them.

Well done, keep up the good work.

Your strength in the light of such horrible betrayal is admirable.

I have lots of very bad days, but no good days. Everyday is a struggle, not just because of how she has changed, but also because of how this sh!t is forcing me to change. It's painful for me to switch from protector, provider, and kind-hearted to someone who can no longer be those things. I am who I am not and I hate it.

36,

What you have written there is deeply affecting. Infidelity is a traumatic experience, and it can affect people in different ways. From what you have written in your thread, you have found validation, satisfaction, and contentment through being a ‘good’ husband and father. You have a need to give love, and you have done that for more than three decades of the marriage. It is no wonder that having that means of expressing your love and goodness blocked has left you feeling unhappy.

Conversely, you do not relish being a ‘bad’ guy and taking defensive action. However, you have effectively been under attack for some time now, so the need to pro-actively defend yourself, and to nail the people who have attacked you, has been thrust upon you. The only other option would be unconditional surrender, and your self-respect and needs as a human being prevent that from being a realistic option.

What I would say about your current situation is that it will pass. You are having to take a number of actions and measures to protect yourself from people who do not have your best interests at heart. However, you are not really changing within yourself, because although you recognise the necessity of taking those defensive actions, they feel alien to you, and you long for a time when you can begin to be who and what you really are again, which is a good guy. My point is, you are still a good guy, but a good guy who is doing what he has to do to get through a bad time that he did not create.

Plenty of good guys marched off to World War 2, and had no choice but to do unpleasant things they would not ordinarily have chosen to do, just to survive. Then the war ended, and they came home and resumed being good guys. Sometimes life gives us no choice but to do things that go against our basic nature, but that does not mean that doing them changes our basic nature. You are still a kind-hearted protector and provider, it is just that now you are having to be those things for yourself. When you are no longer under attack, and having to defend and protect yourself, you will be able to switch back to being those things for the people in your life who deserve your attention. What you are going through at the moment is a temporary phase. You are liberating yourself from a bad situation that other people have engineered, and once you are free of it, you can be your old self again.

I am who I am not and I hate it.

As painful as that is for you, it is actually very positive, because it means that your basic nature is not changing to become someone who enjoys the actions you have been forced to take. It means that your essential goodness and benign nature is intact, which I hope will give you some reassurance that you will emerge from this with your capacity for goodness and love undamaged and undiminished. You only need to be your own protector and defender while you are under attack, and this period is temporary and will pass. When it does pass, you will find people worthy of your love, protection, and support, and you will be happy again. You may have some stages of the journey to reach that point ahead of you, but rest assured that the effort is worth it, because you are travelling towards a better situation in life, and freeing yourself from a bad scenario that others created for you.

36,

How are you today ?

Your story is crushing and very traumatic just to read let alone to live it like you have to.

I find that where most people fall behind is that they need to get angry first and foremost and think with their mind in a constructive manner. Leave the heart behind. The heart makes you think of 36 years, the mother of your kids, etc... The mind is the 'fuck you' tool that pushes you to act.

You have found this tool and now will get some justice.

I know many here say that the 360, divorce filing or exposing is for you and not to be used a s a weapon but I have always disagreed with this. I say go ahead and use it as a weapon. Revenge. Cheaters and their enablers need to be defeated, not let down easily.

You have found your anger and are thinking with your mind and now are protecting yourself and will protect others in the long run.

Good job, keep us updated

My phone was blowing up last night. text after text, call after call, voicemail after voicemail. All went unanswered by me.

First, my lawyer's office called my home phone, instead of my cell phone, and left a message. She listened to it. Great. Big blow up. Quite a few expletives. I am saving her response.

Secondly, she went to my Facebook page and noticed that I have been deleting posts from the last several years. Many of my posts were in praise of my wife and our marriage. I no longer want that crap to appear on Facebook, so I've been running an automated script that scrolls through the posts and deletes 25 at a time.

She texted and then left a screaming voicemail asking me what the hell I was doing erasing memories. She closed by saying that now she will have nothing to remember me by.

Seriously? All her memories of me will be based on Facebook posts? WTF?

Her last communication was an apology for everything. After apologizing she claimed that the affair was likely caused because she was going in to menopause and had become hypersexual and horny.

I call bullsh!t on this, but then again my knowledge of menopause is very limited.

She ended that voicemail begging me to come home. Declaring that she would make every effort to make each day perfect for me...she would greet me with open arms when I come home from work...deliver breakfast in bed...only have eyes for me (don't know if that includes the rest of her body)...and love me only and forever.

I don't know exactly what this is. It's probably more lies to exacerbate the confusion I am already feeling. But at least I can take comfort in knowing I successfully fought back against the urge to respond.

Desperation. Who knows if you will ever see real remorse. I personally doubt it. No one carries on the way she has for as long as she has and then one day wakes up. You know who she is now. Her actions are everything.

Your story is the one that breaks my heart the most. Its one things to be with someone for ten years and find out they a horrible person. Its another thing to spend your whole life with someone and then learn that. Once you learned it she threw it in your face and made you out to be the bad guy at every turn.

I hope you get away from her. You don't deserve any of this. Its sad but I think sometimes this is exactly what we get for being faithful and decent to our SO's

Didn't she promise to love you and only you in her vows? What's changed, besides the fact she got horny and cheated, to make 'this time' different?

After apologizing she claimed that the affair was likely caused because she was going in to menopause and had become hypersexual and horny.

Lol. I'm not a woman but with my wife it was the opposite. She's just grasping at straws now.

The fear of divorce has definitely got her attention and that's what you want, but you should let her know that you want to see genuine remorse instead of desperation and promises; and that her screaming and cussing at you is the opposite of remorse.

She's got a long way to go. Keep going forward with the D. You've got plenty of time to make up your mind.

[This message edited by badmemory at 11:06 AM, October 17th (Tuesday)]

I wonder what the message said ?

My phone was blowing up last night. text after text, call after call, voicemail after voicemail. All went unanswered by me.

Bravo. We called it, though. This is highly typical WS behavior.

Her last communication was an apology for everything. After apologizing she claimed that the affair was likely caused because she was going in to menopause and had become hypersexual and horny.

Still not taking responsibility, is she? She had choices in how she dealt with things. She could have talked to you about your sex life together. She could have bought a vibrator. She could have initiated sex with you. But she didn't do any of those things, did she?

My late father had a saying that I have never forgotten: The hardest thing you can do is admit you don't have an excuse for your behavior.

She's still not there.

I call bullsh!t on this, but then again my knowledge of menopause is very limited.

Menopause doesn't "make" a woman do anything. We still have choices.

She ended that voicemail begging me to come home. Declaring that she would make every effort to make each day perfect for me...she would greet me with open arms when I come home from work...deliver breakfast in bed...only have eyes for me (don't know if that includes the rest of her body)...and love me only and forever.

Does anyone know how many breakfasts in bed it takes to heal from an affair?

Seriously, she's not getting it. Not at all. It's still all about what she can do to manipulate you into doing what SHE wants, not about YOUR hurt, YOUR feelings, YOUR healing.

I don't know exactly what this is.

Sure you do: it's desperation. You've cut off one of the legs of her three-legged stool and she's got to work overtime keeping herself balanced. It's no longer fun. So she will try what has always worked: manipulate and promise the world (promises, I'm sure, that will be discarded as soon as it becomes too difficult to keep them).

You're doing great.

Cat

PS: The crazy will continue. Be aware, be alert and continue with NC.

Wow 36 you have an amazing POSOM here.

While he lives with a woman, he’s sleeping with your wife, he sleeps with other women in the office, he’s sleeps with current boss lady, he slept with previous boss lady, women have also accused him of drugging them and raping them, and now you find out he’s sleeping with the wives of two men who he is caregiver for?

36 , I’m sorry for the bs you are dealing with right now. Yes she is desperate. She counted on using guilt and threats to manipulate you and it didn’t work . She’s a bully. My ex wife was the same way. Threats and blame shifting with a little bit of shame thrown in there. Once that didn’t work she throws you a bone. Only she didn’t take responsibility for her actions. Yes we all know that menopause turns women into a horny robot incapable of resisting anyone. Imagine if you had pursued someone and used the old “ my hormones kicked in and I couldn’t help myself”. It’s a stupid answer to a serious question. She hasn’t begun to understand what she has done to the marriage or to you. She has a long way to go to become a candidate for R . Continue to stand your ground and watch her actions not her words.

Greeneyesbluezy

Wow 36 you have an amazing POSOM here.

While he lives with a woman, he’s sleeping with your wife, he sleeps with other women in the office, he’s sleeps with current boss lady, he slept with previous boss lady, women have also accused him of drugging them and raping them, and now you find out he’s sleeping with the wives of two men who he is caregiver for?

Yeah, he's quite a catch.

And yet, he’s suffered no consequence at all.

It’s almost if he has magical powers over everyone.