SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

36,

Echoing the others here; how are you, brother?

I am exhausted

Then today is a good day for some self-care. Treat yourself to a favorite activity or experience. Linger over that second cup of coffee, remember to eat a decent breakfast, and maybe take a walk or otherwise occupy yourself. I find it helps to have a plan so that the day doesn't stretch out as a big block of time with nothing to fill it.

This, too, shall pass.

Cat

I think I am just going to remain in bed for a few hours. Maybe have room service.

36,

I so wish I could press a button and be there with you, as many others here must also wish.

I remember feeling so totally exhausted, mentally and physically, that I felt like I could sleep for a hundred years.

Catwoman's advice is gold. This, too, shall pass.

I recall feeling like I was faced by such a mountain of a problem that it was so big that all I could do was fall flat on my face before it and admit defeat. How could I ever, ever get past it? That the one thing that I needed to feel better was tenderness from someone who pulled their leg back to kick me in the face when I asked for comfort. That my worth, and my value, depended entirely on the approval of someone who had decided to cast me into the depths, to tell me that I was just not good enough.

I felt crushed. I felt lost. I felt like there was nothing I could do.

What brought me back was the realisation that my oppressor was just plain wrong. That she was living in a world of delusion, a world of self-aggrandised arrogance that was built on sand, a world that was as 'real' as a heroin high, which is guaranteed to crash down to earth and require a fresh and immediate hit of unreality to sustain her illusion.

36, I know only too well how the disapproval of others can make us take that disapproval onto ourselves, as if it is true or somehow justified. But what I learnt, as I travelled through that, is that I was not a person who deserved to be lied to or betrayed. That it was the person who did the lying and betraying who deserved to feel bad. And that, years later, I got with someone who actually told me that I should never have taken anything that my wayward partner did seriously, or as a judgement on me as a person. They were the broken person, not me.

You are not broken, 36. She is.

I just wish we could be there with you.

[This message edited by M1965 at 9:54 AM, October 15th (Sunday)]

During the last 6 months of 2016 I began to experience bouts of tachycardia. I had never had heart problems so this was an entirely new experience for me.

There were times where I would be walking, sitting, driving, showering, etc., and my heart would suddenly race at a steady 300 beats per minute. It was a horrible, scary feeling. I'd go to the emergency room where I would be surrounded by a medical crash team. They'd wire me up, have the defibrillator or whatever it's called, and then give me a shot to stop and restart my heart. Very scary.

They diagnosed me as having an extra circuit in one of my heart chambers and said it could be controlled by medication or an ablation. Things went okay for a few weeks, but then everything changed on December 9th.

I was driving home from work that day and called my wife to let her know that I would be stopping by the store to pick up a few items.

While I was on the phone with her I suddenly felt like someone had punched me in the chest with an iron fist. I gasped and groaned loudly. I explained to my wife what I was feeling and told her that it was probably just related to the tachycardia.

The heart pain repeated several times and my wife insisted that I pull over and call an ambulance. I declined but said I would drive to the emergency room instead. It turned out to be the right choice.

My wife drove to the emergency room and waited in her car until I got there. The chest pain was getting worse. I pulled up, parked beside her, got out of the car and dropped dead right in the parking lot. Not fun, but if you're going to die of a heart attack what better place to have it than right next to the emergency room entrance?

From what I understand, my wife screamed for help but no one would come out of the hospital. Apparently she thought it would be better to stay with me. As providence would have it, a pizza delivery guy came walking out of the hospital, heard her screaming, and went back inside and grabbed a paramedic. The paramedic came out and started pounding on my chest.

From what I understand the emergency room staff then came pouring out and carried me into the hospital. Needless to say I survived. It turned out I had blockages in my widow maker.

I had two emergency heart surgeries in December. Thankfully neither involved cracking my chest open. They instead went in through my groin. I had the ablation and three stents placed in my heart.

You may ask what the relevance of this story is.

You may recall I mentioned that my wife worked at a company that provided care givers to people who need some special help.

I found out yesterday that the POSOM told my wife that he was going to become my care giver so he could basically come to my house and get paid for screwing my wife (he's currently doing this with at least two other couples). In my mind this comes back to the comments that things would be better off if I was no longer alive.

I found this so incredibly disgusting that my Saturday was completely shattered.

As an aside, I never needed a care giver. I survived and recovered fairly well until yesterday when she was telling me about this sh!t. My heart started getting that old familiar feeling of pain.

She told me they had started discussing a long term relationship, but he said she needed to disconnect from that idea and just live in the moment. But I guess the moment included attempting to steal my money and my company.

She then told me it was abusive of me to question her further or complain about any of this sh!t because it was in the past (once again).

I think I've been married to a self-indulgent psychopath that truly doesn't care for me at all. The word cruel comes to mind. Now the affair is my fault and I have become the abuser for complaining about it? What a sick, demented, piece of work she is.

I can see why people suggest getting out of infidelity and having NC with the offending spouse.

Everything in my mind is dissolving once again. I have to be smarter than this.

Excellent analogy of your situation.

Knowing what you're up against can only help you.

Plan and execute

Your wife continues to see this affair as a bragging point, something she - as an edgy, liberated female - was entitled to and something you should not complain about.

It's a source of pride for her. My guess is she thought it would impress her coworkers, so she went into it full-steam ahead.

You realize how easy it would be to turn this around right?

When she says things like this...

She told me they had started discussing a long term relationship, but he said she needed to disconnect from that idea and just live in the moment.

You LAUGH and say something like, "Of course not. It's obvious he was using you, just like your friends are using your stupidity for their entertainment. Once we're divorced, the only thing they'll have to talk about is how foolish you've been."

Drive home the point that she is the butt of the joke in this situation.

Honestly, I don't think you're safe with this woman. She knows your medical history and how to use it against you. Talk to your lawyer about all this shit, maybe get a restraining order or see about opening up a complaint with the state considering his role as a caregiver.

.

You are definitely better off with this person out of your life. Anyone who would associate with someone like the OM is wrong in the head. Clearly your WW is a mess. Be glad she is not your problem any more.

My God!

36, your wife is a toxic piece of work. You do need some self care today. Stay at the hotel, pamper yourself and allow your mind to be distracted from the mess she is making of your life. I hope you are able to sever all ties to this woman and her AP. He should be reported. One can only hope that he pays for the disgusting actions he has taken against others.

(((36)))

Hi, 36, hope you are having a better day.

We all understand the emotional roller coaster from hell.

Just take one hour at a time.

Divorcing her will probably take away a lot of stress and extend your life.

Gently . . . why are you discussing these sorts of things with your wife? Didn't Catwoman tell you not to go looking for emotional support there? Didn't Catwoman explain that she would just exploit your vulnerability for her own gain?

There is a reason why so many of us who have dealt with Cluster B disordered spouses highly recommend going NC. It is because they are emotional vampires, sucking out of you what they want for themselves and leaving you bleeding with nasty bite wounds that take forever to heal. Hopefully your experience this weekend helps you to see the wisdom of NC.

You need support? Come here and there are many people who will lend an ear and help you.

I truly understand the isolation of dealing with the disordered. It rots.

Cat

It has been said before -

go NC

no good can come from talking to her

get her out of your life

36,

I have to say, that is absolutely horrible. I can see why your day imploded yesterday. And your wife just admits to stuff like this?

This is not a solution as such, but I really think you should make sure there are a couple of VARs in the room and then have a long discussion with her about what she is doing, so that you have a recording of what is effectively a confession. Then, if anyone tells you you must be making this stuff up, you can play them the recording and let them make their own minds up.

Further, can you report the situation to the company where the POSOM works, tell them what you know, and refuse point blank to have him come anywhere near your home? I think you should object in the strongest terms, and tell them that he is not to set foot on your property. Your lawyer may be able to advise you what can be done legally, including taking out some kind of order to keep him away from you. I think you should tell your lawyer everything that your wife has said, including what she and the POSOM said about your passing would make their games easier.

As you have money, I would recommend that you install a home security system that has several cameras inside the house, for which you hold the only password that will disable them or switch them off. This can help to make your home less attractive as a base for your wife's activities.

You mention that the POSOM is already involved with two other couples. Do you know if that is some kind of agreed arrangement, or if the husbands in those couples are ignorant of what is going on? I am wondering if it might be worth telling the husbands what you know. It is definitely worth telling your lawyer, maybe discussing it officially with the police, and certainly telling your friend the cop.

Earlier in this thread, I suggested that you might consider changing your will if your wife is currently a beneficiary. I hate bringing it up again, but I think it really is something you might consider doing, now that you know the depths she is capable of sinking to.

Beyond any of this, is there anyone you can stay with? Do you have any relatives you could spend time with? Alternatively, is there anyone you could invite to stay at the house with you? Your wife might not like that, but so what? It's your house, and you can invite whomever you like to come and be there with you.

I think it would be a good idea to go and talk to your physician about the situation, and to get his/her advice about what is best for your health. The medical history you have provided makes it essential that your physician is kept up to date, and to be frank, I think you should tell him/her about the situation with the POSOM and the idea that he should be coming to your home as a 'carer'. The more people who know about this scheming, the better it is, and once you start informing people about it, you should tell your wife that several others are aware of it. Secrecy serves her, exposure disables her. If possible, I think it would be a good idea to write a synopsis of recent events, or just copy your posts from this thread, and give a copy to your lawyer, so he/she is fully appraised of the history.

This must all be horribly upsetting for you, but if you can, I think you should visit your sons to tell them in person what has been going on, and what the current situation is. You have said that you have felt isolated, so telling your sons can help to combat that. Tell them what your wife has done, and what effect it has had on you.

Please do make an appointment to go and see your IC as soon as possible. It can be hugely beneficial to talk to a person face to face, and your IC may be able to offer advice about what is best for your well-being.

I really think it is a shame that this forum does not have a board where people can post their location and ask if there is anyone nearby who can be their 'buddy' and physically be around for them, because there are so many people here who want to help and support you.

We are all thinking of you, 36.

[This message edited by M1965 at 12:56 AM, October 16th (Monday)]

36,

Did this exchange with her come about because of you questioning her? What put the two of you together and how did the conversation evolve t. this revelation? Did this happen yesterday, or did you learn this closer to Dday?

You understand the 180 and NC intellectually. Their strategic and tactical use. And the emotional purpose of each. But they're the hardest damn thing to apply on a consistent basis when you are emotional vulnerable. So the very thing that can help you the most in overcoming your vulnerability, is exceedingly difficult

do when you are...well... emotionally vulnerable.

Does the advice you are getting here about detachment match up with anything you are discussing in IC? Or is the advice working at cross purposes?

180 and NC is all about putting yourself first. Above all things. The betrayal was all about your W's selfishness and entitlement. That continues post Dday. She treated you like shit. Continues to do so. But that is not your value. Quite the opposite. Flip this on it's head. What do the people you respect and admire think about you? Do you trust the judgement of those that respect and admire you? Or are they wrong? If they knew of your W's betrayal would they rally to you? Or her?

What does that tell you about your worth to them?

Begin to see in yourself what others who value you see in you. That is a measure of your worth.

36, your latest info about your heart is very interesting. You've stated earlier that she made a comment about wanting you dead. Throw in a false DMV charge and ALL the other bat shit crazy stuff she's said or done, seems to me she has an agenda and that's making your life as stressful as possible so that you do drop dead and thus she gets everything and is free to do whatever she wants to and not have to answer to anyone.

Have you changed your will and taken the necessary steps to protect yourself financially?

Again regarding the VAR's. Have you purchased these, are they on you at all times, and have you been using them?

Hang in there.

ok how did you find out that he's doing this 'caregiver' role with two other couples ?

And if you know thi and you know who they are or could know who they are, then why are you not exposing and blowing this asshole up ?

36, it's horrible that you took too long to defend yourself but you finally got there.

Why can't you defend others from this predator as well ??

Step to the plate man. Destroy this guy, dump your cheating unremorseful wife and move on but damn it do something !!!

When does she get served ?? Monday ? Tuesday ?? do you even know ???

Man, do something !!

Everyones has opinions on what you should do. I will tell you what you shouldn't do. Don't eat another bite of food your loving wife serves you. I imagine you are probably taking meds for your heart and whatever else. I am taking some drugs myself and my doctor told me that one of the meds I'm taking if I 'happened' to take too much would kill me... and NO way to tell that I didn't just die naturally. Watch your back.

From what I understand, my wife screamed for help but no one would come out of the hospital. Apparently she thought it would be better to stay with me.

36, coupled with the other things you've stated here, your WW didn't want you dead or plan to kill you; SHE ALLOWED YOU TO DIED. A pizza boy saved your life!

She is a health care professional, at some level, as you've explained it and that is first thing you do, taught at EVERY CPR class she's had, seek help!