SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

jb3199,

Thank you. This is a great message and something I needed to hear myself. Thank you.

JustCrushed,

Even if it's merely says "I'm here", please post on this thread daily, just so that you can see words of support from your SI family in response.

You are not alone brother. We are all on your side and are pulling for you!

JC,

I had a feeling this was going to be a hard week, but for different reasons. I thought it would be the wrench of moving out, and being in the new apartment. Sadly, it looks like your WW has spent the last couple of weeks circulating a narrative in which she is a heartbroken victim, and maybe even that you have been cruel and abusive to her. Many here feel angry about that, because they have your back. However, right now I believe that the absolute most important thing for you to invest your energy in is not correcting narratives, uncovering lies, setting records straight, or exacting vengeance.

The most important thing is YOU. Your well-being. The fact that an abusive person has subjected you to multiple shocks, and then tried to blacken your name, may well have left you with PTSD, though in this case you are barely even at the 'post' stage. So do not worry about spreading the truth to false friends, toxic in-laws, or the twins. That stuff, if it is even worth pursuing, can be done at a later date.

Right now, I suggest the following:

1) You contact your real friends and anyone else you can rely on for support. You tell them everything. Do not attempt to 'tough it out' by holding anything in.

2) You do the same with your managers at work. Tell them all of it, so they can understand the stress you are under.

3) You make an appointment with your doctor and tell them what you have gone through in the past five weeks, and any impacts it has had on your sleeping, eating, thought processes, etc.

4) If you find you are not eating much, or regularly, consider picking up diet supplements and nutrition bars, which can give you a lot of good stuff in a small portion.

5) Look for a counselor or therapist who has experience of PTSD, and start having some sessions to explain what you have ben through, and how it has brought back past issues for you.

6) Accept that nothing that happened to you in your youth, or this recent egregious abuse, was deserved, or your fault, or somehow triggered by you. Bad people chose to do bad things to you. And they hurt you. It was never your fault. Any more than it is someone's fault when they get hit by lightning twice, burgled several times, or whatever. We may run into a single bad person in our life, or we may encounter several. That is no-body's fault. You did not make it happen. You are not cursed. You have just been unlucky. A different woman would have cherished you and appreciated you. Different people in your youth would have protected you. What has been done to you is on them, not you.

If we had the power to teleport there to be with you, your apartment would be packed with people from here who care about you and hate what has been done to you. We will do whatever we can to support you. And that is why I repeat, your focus right now, and for the next few weeks and months, has to be YOU. If others want to believe crap about you, let them. Ten years from now, how much will any of them matter? YOU matter more than all of them put together. So focus on YOU, leave them wallowing in lies, and have as little as possible to do with any of them.

Our thoughts and best wishes are with you.

M1965 you are so right.

Just Crushed, it’s time to let go. Let the cards play out. She will have to deal with how she has played the game. Your conscience is clean. Relish that. You did nothing to deserve this and like a beacon in a storm, follow the light. Don’t look back. She is not worth it. They aren’t worth it.

You have the light of truth on your side, and a big fat dossier filled with it. Shine that MFer all over the place.

I’m so angry for you I could spit nails. Did your jerk WW try to deny liability? And your 2 male friends are utter dinks. Who says they can’t support you? Oh yeah. Their wives.

I guess this blows up your paying for college.

On another note, I would kill to be 38 again. So much of your life is ahead of you. You are feeling lonely and abandoned. But if you put one foot in front of another you will do fine. Just keep showing up in your job and your life. Read Hurt halo. It should be your Bible going forward. You will perservere and soon will feel you are in a better life.

What you need to continually remind yourself is to be always in control of things going forward. No matter what others do, you remain in control.

What your WW has done is to try and get control of the situation.

Play the long game. Any communication with others should have that in mind. Let others know (including the twins)that you are available to speak to when they are ready.

Keep in control.

Play the long game.

[This message edited by paboy at 12:19 AM, Thursday, March 28th]

JC…

I have been EXACTLY where you are now. I have been on this forum since 2013 and have learned some valuable lessons.

They said that they couldn’t support both WW and me and that while they weren’t taking sides, she was a mess and the one that badly needed support. They both thought it best if we didn’t see each other for a while.

This is very, very common after infidelity. Her parents circling the wagons is very, VERY common. Blood is thicker than water.

Cut all these people from your life now. Walk away and don’t ever look back. Slut shaming your WW will only work against you, in so many ways.

Do not try and demand that your WW repairs your relationship with your in-laws, step children, mutual friends. Your true friends of worth will stick with you. Jettison the rest. Your kids will respond more to your show of dignity, self respect, maturity, and grace.

Preserve your dignity at all costs. Act in a mature, dignified, manner with grace.

Spreading public announcement blast emails, written in haste, written in anger, complete with dirty texts and pictures is fraught with many pitfalls and is the opposite of dignified. It just makes the two of you look like a tabloid Jerry Springer freak show. The BS usually comes off looking unhinged while the WS just kicks back and says, "See what I have been dealing with!"

Control the optics with very well thought-out and executed actions. Run it through your imaginary, internal, press secretary, publicist, PR Specialist, FIRST. Run it past us if you need further guidance. Run it past your calm, collected, professional, experienced attorney, FIRST.

There are so many things I wish I could take back or undo in the wake of D-day. It’s so easy to make an absolute ass of yourself when you’re under this extraordinary amount of stress, pain and emotion.

Paboy:

Play the long game. Any communication with others should have that in mind. Let others know (including the twins)that you are available to speak to when they are ready.

“Play the long game.” This is sage advice.

Your WW is pissing us the fuck off, and I’m afraid it’s adversely affecting some of our advise to you.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 12:59 AM, Thursday, March 28th]

I wonder what your stbxw told everyone. Did she tell the truth of her cheating or just that you're leaving her for no reason?? Based on what you wrote, she lied, she did not say that she cheated, she spun it to make you look evil. So, with her kids blocking you, are still going to pay part of their college tuitions? Good luck and please keep us up to date.

[This message edited by Tempocontour at 1:22 AM, Thursday, March 28th]

RealityBlows makes a good point:

Cut all these people from your life now. Walk away and don’t ever look back.

It can be horribly shocking to find that people you trusted, or at least thought might be neutral, are neither. It is no wonder you are reeling from various people showing their true, or should I say untrue, colours. However painful that may be in the short term, in the longer term it is better to know who they really are, so you do not invest any more time or energy in them.

Looked at from a distance, it could be argued that a bunch of fair-weather 'friends' and disloyal 'family' members have made it easier for you to move on by voluntarily removing themselves, rather than you having to distance yourself or block them because of the negative impact they have on your life. The fact is, now they have shown you who they are, it gives you the opportunity to put them to one side and take care of yourself.

Your WW - with staggering and audacious temerity - wanted you to continue paying educational fees for her twins. Since they and the rest of WW's family have cut you off, it gives you perfect justification to let your WW seek financial support elsewhere. Her AP has outstanding judgements against him for non-support of his own multiple children, so perhaps he can dip into his savings and provide the financial support your WW will not be getting from you.

The divorce process is now up and running, and given what you now know, I suggest you have no more contact with anyone in Team WW. If your WW tries to contact you, direct her to your joint lawyer. Talk to your friends, talk to your boss, talk to your doctor. Talk to us. Talk to your support team, and let those who do not have your back believe whatever crap they want. They are going to do that anyway, regardless of what you say. And frankly, after the way they have all behaved, they do not matter a damn, and you are better off without them.

Edited to add: As you are sharing the same lawyer/attorney, I think you should advise them about recent events, and ask if sharing legal representation is viable going forwards. It seems clear that your WW has been actively trying to estrange you from friends and family, and your attorney is the person who should be asking her why she has done that, and what she hopes to achieve by doing it.

[This message edited by M1965 at 1:38 AM, Thursday, March 28th]

I would like to first say I'm deeply sorry that my fears regarding your real position in her family seem to have come somewhat true.

Now please sir, protect yourself at all costs. They have shown who they are, believe people when they tell you who they are and who they support. Disown anyone who does not support you, friends are her family. As a man who discovered my place was not what I thought in "my" family as well...it hurts, it hurts more than anyone who has not experienced it can understand. If they were not my real children I would have cut all them loose a long time ago.

Her daughters are not your daughters, they have chosen. Your soon to be ex-wife and in laws have shown they are horrid scheming people and they should be dealt with as such.

You didn't do this sir, nor do you deserve it. It is time to allow your anger and disappointment to overcome your chivalry, they are simply bad people. They are not a reflection upon you and you are worthy of having your own family.

JC, I am viscerally angry FOR you. My only advice is to let it wash over you mate, as hard as that is.

While it is of small consolation to you now, you have the moral high ground across EVERY facet of this debacle. Your step/daughters will eventually want to hear your side of the story, so their estrangement will likely only be temporary. As for your 'wife', the best way I dealt with the betrayal was to concede that my wife had died, and the thing wearing her skin was a stranger I didn't recognise, nor knew.

For what it helps, I had the same response from my in-laws. They had been supportive during my first D-day 9 years ago, I had a great relationship with them and got along like a house on fire with them. As soon as I kicked my wife out after finding out about her subsequent multiple affairs 9 years later, I was ex-communicated. I ended up sending them an email detailing all the evidence, and mentioned how much they meant to me and how much I missed them. They never even responded. it's amazing how transactional some people can be, and sadly it takes an event like this to realise it.

As for your WW's female friend's husbands - I would let them know what their wives are evidently up to / cheerleading when no one is watching.

M1965's advice is spot on.

As for what comes next, I can ASSURE you coming from a 44yr old to another morally upstanding 38yr old eventually looking to find someone else, the world will be your oyster. While it is the furthest thing from your mind at the moment, there are no shortage of women out there who will be more than happy to date you...and likely want to have children with you.

Post here for support mate, this forum was a lifeline for me.

Something I forgot to mention:

When I started living my best life, with positivity, living well, being active, having fun, new relationships, traveling, etc….

people starting coming back. They started checking in on me, were curious what I was up to.

The best revenge is a life well lived. The best demonstration of who is the bigger person, is a life well lived.

People will reevaluate your WW’s narrative after you demonstrate who is more mentally sound, mature, mentally healthy, and happy. People tend to gravitate towards happy, thriving, independent people who have their shit together.

Not the bitter, depressing BS who can’t stop talking shit about their Ex.

You’re on the precipice of starting a whole new life. Someday, soon, you’re going to look back and wonder why you ever cared what those people think. They will be so inconsequential. You’ll have an entirely new support group. Your kids will gravitate towards the most stable parent, the most trustworthy and mature parent. You’ll find they will confide in the parent who seems to have their shit together.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 2:27 AM, Thursday, March 28th]

If I were one of these two kids, and I was angry enough at my step father over something so terrible, I had to block him, I certainly ly wouldn’t be taking college $ from him.

I feel given your status in their lives for so long, you deserve to be able to share your side of the story. Maybe tie the college $ to an agreement to meet if they drag this out for the long term.

This really sucks.

In my case, 39 years have passed and the ex-wife still spins her web of lies. Those that mattered and knew the truth are long gone. Those that now need to know have heard from me what truly happened. You have one distinct advantage over my situation in that you have no biological children between the two of you. Thus, no need to keep any of them in your life. It is no surprise that your stepdaughters have cut you out of their lives. Too often, biological children do the same. They will side with one parent. You can cut out all of these people from your life and never look back. If any of them ever decide to hear your side of the story, don't pull any punches.

Your childhood was a nightmare. You should be so proud of how you have made something out of your life. Concentrate on your career after the dust has settled. Financial independence and prosperity are so important in this world.

Do not shut yourself off from meeting a decent young woman in the future who can provide you with a family. But be careful. There are a lot of very damaged people out there. So, tread slowly and carefully. Above all, get into therapy.

Follow your lawyer's advice. Try and get this mess resolved ASAP so that you can close the book on this chapter of your life and start the rebuilding process.

Wow! She is turning out to be a calculating and remorseless WW. Who knows how long she was planning her exit and what she and her friends were upto in those GNOs. Looks like all she was waiting for was paid college education for her kids and then she would have gone. I would not share the same attorney with her anymore. Get a VAR and if any of the friend's husbands are willing to hear let them know. On the other hand a dignified silence is best for your sanity.

One of Indian poet Tagore's most famous poem is 'Walk Alone'. It asks the listener to continue their journey, despite abandonment or lack of support from others. It is often quoted in the context of sociopolitical change movements and was a favourite of Mahatma Gandhi during the freedom struggle.

If they answer not to thy call walk alone,
If they are afraid and cower mutely facing the wall,
O thou unlucky one,
open thy mind and speak out alone.

If they turn away, and desert you when crossing the wilderness,
O thou unlucky one,
trample the thorns under thy tread,
and along the blood-lined track travel alone.

If they do not hold up the light when the night is troubled with storm,
O thou unlucky one,
with the thunder flame of pain ignite thy own heart
and let it burn alone.

This is just conjecture. What if WW told her family that Crushed is refusing to commit to paying for their education? That would get the kids and parents on WW side, yet will backfire on WW. Technically it's true that he refuses to put it down in the agreement. She uses that to gain sympathy and support for herself, and now Crushed loses his family. Unfortunately, it also means that they have to pony up the last 25% of the tuition between them. WW just shot herself in the foot.

Watch WW use this as leverage to get the tuition into the agreement. He is those girl's only father. Now they're abandoning him the moment things go bad between them. Makes you wonder how much they cared to begin with.

I don't understand why people are judging these children. Maybe they did cut him off, but maybe they didn't and the wife did. Maybe she is afraid of them knowing the truth of what she did. Maybe they are just hurt and don't know what to believe.

I don't believe that he should assume that these children who grew up loving and trusting him have turned their backs on him.

Give them time. Give him time. Let's see what happens as time goes on.

Don’t put all the dirt on social media.

Tell those who need to know individually.

Don’t leave the records with them, show them and then take the documents back.

Defamation isn’t easy to prove. I was once told by an attorney who works in this area, that Facebook is almost tailor designed to records and prove a defamation case against the poster. It shows who read the post, for example, where it would normally be tricky and cumbersome to prove who read it and what compensation should flow from that.

Don’t put yourself in a position where your WW is able to offset the value of her defamation case against what would otherwise be the property split.

Keep your powder dry.

Just Crushed,

I don't have a whole lot to add. I have read the thread a couple of times and it is truly heartbreaking.I just wanted to give you a short few words of encouragement. You may not think this now, but this whole vile episode by your WW in fact is a gift. I admit this may be an unpopular opinion.

And a big gift at that. Now that the mask has fallen, EVERYONE close to you has shown you who exactly who they are. No more wondering. Her motives the whole time are clear. Your marriage was nothing more than Transactional and you had no idea until she went out for that run. And that was all you were. But now you know.

Your WW pulled a whopper out of her ass and they all bought it. Especially the Friends' Husbands (A couple of real wussies right there). Even if any of them come to their senses, can you even trust them as far as you could throw them? Some may wish to give the girls a pass, but they are old enough to know right from wrong. A lesson you have known from your youth...You can only trust yourself. I have some similar experiences during my formative years, and being left to my own devices at a young age was one of them. Again, you can only trust yourself.

I wouldn't make a peep until there is a true advantage in doing so. Any gesture on Social Media is not going to be worth the drama. A Narrative is a Narrative is a Narrative...

See what Legal avenues are available to you per your Lawyer. I'm simply saying that it's best for them to hear from you NOT when you obviously hurting (and rightfully so, you are dealing with a Gaggle of automatons.) but when it COUNTS. Nobody ever really changes their behavior unless they are faced with concrete consequences.

Wishing you strength, but urging you to hold the powder.