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Nevermind. Things have gotten really really really bad. Past the point of no return. I don't know about talking about it on a public forum. I want to protect BS. I want to tell someone so they can't tell me if I overreacted. If I'm in the wrong.

What’s going on morted? What happened?

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[This message edited by morted at 10:23 AM, Saturday, May 4th]

I’m so sorry you went through that. Listen to me, at no stage did you deserve violence directed your way. And you said this isn’t the first time that your BH has been violent towards you?

I’m really sorry. Sure, you’ve been nothing but emotionally abusive towards him for the better part of 10 years but violence is another level. This is toxic and you guys need to separate and he desperately needs to talk to a mental health specialist and someone to help him come up with better coping strategies. Of course, you need to really work on yourself and figure out where you went wrong in your relationship and your own life. Then and only then (but it is looking slim now) can you two reunite.

But I doubt that’s possible given violence was brought into the equation. Again, I’m sorry.

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[This message edited by morted at 10:23 AM, Saturday, May 4th]

I have been following your story and praying for you and your BH.

Please call for help if you need it. If you need a friend, PM me.

Big hugs, Morted. Don’t tolerate violence or verbal abuse. Protect that little girl inside you. ❤️

Violence escalates. WomenDo not stay. Get in contact with your local Domestic Violence advocates. Try YMCA if you have one in your area. They can give you resources to help.

When you were telling the story before it sounded more like some verbal stuff, that honestly this much time in would have been fairly typical of what we see here.

40 percent of female homicides are committed by their intimate partner.

Get away from him. Keep working on you.

I'm sorry to worry everyone. I overreacted and blew everything up over something that really wasn't that big of a deal. His good qualities far outweigh the bad. I feel terrible for all the complications I caused to R. It feels like another DDay.

A lot can get revealed on d-day. What did this weekend reveal to you?

You don't seem interested in accepting advice about abuse.

Are "don't call me a worthless whore" and "don't yell at me in all caps" reasonable boundaries this early in?

Those are (futile) attempts to control your WS. Good boundaries have the following form: 'If _______, I will do ____.'

'If you call me a 'worthless whore', I will end the conversation.'

'If you yell at me, I will end the conversation.'

My reco is also to set a boundary for yourself to always keep a voice-activated recorder with you.

*****

Did you lie to the police? If so, it's best to own up to it ASAP. If you didn't, you may very well be minimizing the abuse your H is subjecting you to. LEOs aren't known for great sinsitivity to spousal abuse. If the LEO(s) talked to you and your H and arrested your H, My guess is that they had good reason to arrest him, a reason that you don't accept.

Your desire to bail your abuser out is a giant red flag. I don't know what it means, but I fear it means that you don't keep yourself safe.

I don't know how effective the national DV hotline is, but it's number is 1-800-799-SAFE. Why not check them out?

Neither one of us thinks what he did is ok. But it's also not something that I want the legal system involved in. The officer in my state legally had to arrest one of us. I didn't want that. It's not defining of my BS. If this were any other relationship then I would walk, but I have 10 years of evidence of him being a good man. This is a glitch not a pattern. I know that he doesn't want to scare or hurt me. He would support me in leaving if I wanted that. We had set up rules for safety long ago and have stuck to them until now. Clearly we'll need to take a second look at those rules, what went wrong, and what needs to change. I know him well enough to know this isn't the man he wants to be and that he has the capacity, willingness, and determination to not be. If he will make excuses, blame me, minimize, or defend what he did it will be different. If he was not a stable, loving, present, and supportive father it would be different. I can't cut my child off to the parent he's securely attached to. I trust BS to use this as something to grow from. I've seen him transform his and our lives before. This is something for both of us to learn from but I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. I could. Right now, I'm choosing to give him grace because I know him well enough to know he'll run with it.

I don't expect someone from the outside to understand why I would be willing to take this leap of faith. I wouldn't do it for anyone else, but he's given me enough reason to trust him before now to take this leap of faith.

If things change I know what I need to do.

Oh my heavens this is tragic on all levels. By the nature of my work I take care of many abused spouses. Sometimes it takes an outsider to point out what is painfully obvious to everybody but those involved. You may feel that your situation is unique, but it’s not. I’ve taken care of hundreds of you, and hundreds of your BS.

He may never heal from what you’ve done, and you may never be safe from the person he’s becomming. There is no innocence here in any party. My strong recommendation, for your safety and for his sanity, is that you separate immediately and go completely no contact for a period of months. Work on yourselves and re-convene in 6 months, a year, something.

Neither of you are safe at this point. Contact any friends and family and tell them everything both you and he have done. Please get out of there.

If this were any other relationship then I would walk, but I have 10 years of evidence of him being a good man.

Truly good men don’t abuse their wives - ever. Full stop. Don’t get me wrong, I believe you that he has good qualities – people are typically complicated. You don’t need to be a literal cartoon villain to be an abuser. But like, Ted Bundy was handsome and charismatic – he volunteered at suicide helplines and probably saved a lot of lives. Jim Jones (the Jonestown cultleader who convinced almost 900 people to commit suicide) spoke out against racial segregation, and advocated on behalf of the poor and marginalized. And yet, I think when we look back at the lives of those men, I think we can all agree that they weren't good people.

To be clear, I’m not saying your husband is a mass murder. I’m just saying his good qualities don’t make him a good person, when he’s also pretty comfortable doing some pretty bad stuff.

You didn’t overreact. It WAS a big deal. If anything you are underreacting. I understand that you do not feel mentally ready to leave yet, but please please please do not let him convince you that you are somehow required to stick around and put up with this because you cheated. Do not allow this to justify actions that are not justifiable. Make sure you have an exit plan if you need it. Research places you can go if you need to leave in a hurry. Make sure you have access to important papers/logins etc. Start saving some extra cash as you can, in a secret account in case you need it. Please don’t wait until it’s too late. Abuse can escalate quickly. Do you have friends in real life who know about what is going on (or has he limited your friendships in order to control you?)

Are "don't call me a worthless whore" and "don't yell at me in all caps" reasonable boundaries this early in?

Physical abuse aside, being called a ‘worthless whore’ or being screamed at should be a dealbreaker for anyone under any circumstances. For what it’s worth, there are zero circumstances in this world under which my husband would ever call me (or any other woman) a "worthless whore" – that shit is not okay. Just because something is normal for you, does not mean it’s normal. My guess is that you likely wouldn’t know what a normal, healthy relationship looks like because you’ve never been in one.

If he was not a stable, loving, present, and supportive father it would be different. I can't cut my child off to the parent he's securely attached to.

You don’t have to stay with this man for your son to continue a relationship with him. And for the record, good fathers don’t abuse their kid’s mothers – physically or verbally. They demonstrate respect and show their sons how to be spouses and their daughters what to expect from a spouse. Is this the way you want your son to treat his future spouse? I’m willing to guess your kid is young right now. Probably too young to actually be truly defiant (the way a teenager might be). Do you really think your husband is going to be calm and patient with a kid who questions him and his authority? Who pushes boundaries and breaks rules and talks back? Will your son still be safe then?

I don't know what to think. I felt like I knew this morning. Now I'm so confused. I wish I had a friend who knew us and shared our values to talk about this with.

do you have a couple therapist, morted?
I can't recommend that enough. When things are foggy and confusing, having a 3rd party to mediate is invaluable.

No, he doesn't want to do couple's therapy. I called some people right after DDay, but BS was worried they would blame him for the affair and problems in the relationship. It might be time to revisit that idea.

What has the fallout been for calling the police morted? I assume he's mad.

Do you have to have a premium account to pm on here?

I believe you can PM after making 50 or 51 substantive posts. You're at 48, so ....

No, he doesn't want to do couple's therapy. I called some people right after DDay, but BS was worried they would blame him for the affair and problems in the relationship.

Um ... he's chosen to abuse you, and he chose to cheat.

A good therapist won't blame him, though. A good therapist guides clients to self-discovery and change. Unless your H wants that, your M won't change. He will not heal until and unless he takes responsibility for his dysfunctions.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:23 PM, Tuesday, May 7th]

He's mad at himself, not me. He sees what he did was wrong and deeply damaging and is already looking for more support in changing his behavior.

I'm not sure where we're going at this point. Taking it day by day.