SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Put a tracker on her vehicle, ask her to enable location sharing on her phone, hire a private investigator, anything necessary to get the truth as soon as possible.

Bottom line, you should be able to trust your wife to put you and your feelings first and to make sure your relationship is safe and protected. She took a vow to do all of that and to love and honor and cherish you.

Sorry you are dealing with this situation. But usually where there is smoke there is fire. Trust your gut.

Breaknotbend,

So sorry you're going through this. You sound pretty prepared to walk, but if you have thoughts of trying to reconcile, I recommend getting the book "Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli

It focuses a great deal on relationships with coworkers.

Good luck.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 11:23 PM, July 28th (Wednesday)]

Strike 3. I’ll pull out a list of assets and debts and ask her how she wants to move toward divorce.

Huh? Why wait for Strike 3 before you start the preparations? Do it now, as it will save you time if/when you need to execute.

If you wait until Strike 3, it will be an almost certainty that you will waver when you actually start getting the list done, which will lead to Strike 4, and so on...

You have already given your WS two 'chances', and from what you have posted, it looks like all she will do, is wait a while, let you cool down, then do something again.

Am not proposing that you D or R immediately, but am just suggesting that you give your WS some tangible actions that you will not abide by another betrayal, and have taken the steps to make things happen fast if there is a Strike 3.

As I posted, it seems that your WS has not had any consequences that actually impacts her current life/lifestyle. Your current actions are enabling her to carry on with the bad behaviour.

I am amazed that she has not offered full transparency, quit her job, or done any other meaningful actions to show you that she wants to make herself safe for you.

Rocketracoon

I’m not waiting for strike 3 to prepare. Consulting with attorney today. Looking at rentals. Trying to get a couple other attorney consultations too. Trying to work through the fear and anxiety that I’ve posted about and expecting the worst but hoping that she’ll prove thru her actions that she’s worth attempting to rebuild trust with.

Breaknotbend,

You state

Hard part is the house and mortgage is in my name. I can’t live in the same house with her once I pull the trigger. I got two kids here, she has 3. That’s complicated. Why should I leave? But at the same time, I’m not going to be vindictive or be angry about stuff. Another thing I just don’t have the energy to fight.

Check with your lawyer on this issue. If you had the house prior to marriage, you should be able to keep it since it would be your asset. If you purchased it after you married, why is your name the only one on the deed/mortgage? Once again, check with your lawyer to find out how this might impact divorce and whether you'd need to divide the value of the house (assets less liabilities). If not, why should you be looking for a rental?

BlueRasberry

If you had the house prior to marriage, you should be able to keep it since it would be your asset. If you purchased it after you married, why is your name the only one on the deed/mortgage?

We were together when I purchased it. Got a good deal because it was purchased from her family. She’s contributed around 40% of all mortgage payments for the 7 years we weren’t married and the last three since we have been. She’s going to have a right to that equity and I wouldn’t deny her that. I will talk to an attorney though. From all I read up on is that spouses are typically only entitled to assets during marriage. Not before. And her youngest is still in local high school. None of the others are. Although she’s cruel for doing what’s she’s done, unless she gets nasty then I’d rather not stoop to a lower level and handle this maturely and fairly and cut my losses.

I have to admit all I've done is skim your posts (busy with work- sorry), but I suggest information gathering,

1. VAR in her car.

2. Place a program on her phone that monitors every key stroke she makes with it and reports to you.

3. Place a tracking device so you know where her car goes 24 hours per day.

Use those even if you separate for a while and gather. The information you get may save your marriage or solidify the need to D.

I’d rather not stoop to a lower level and handle this maturely and fairly and cut my losses.

Best mindset. Seems you want to keep your marriage together so hopefully it doesn't get to that point but if it does, agreed, you shouldn't leave. Unlikely you can force her out, but you can strongly suggest it. And your step son/daughter can stay until everything's finalized. They shouldn't suffer because their mother decided to be a ho. She can stay with her 'friend' or some other friend or family.

Hope you don't mind me asking, you said she told you she ended "it", what exactly is "it"? You said you saw inappropriate messages but weren't every specific and that you feel that "it" is still happening. And can't remember if you said whether there's a spouse? Or if you have ever met them before? Ultimately your gut told you to look and you found something, if your gut is telling you "its" still happening, then it is.

It is always better to not project your actions by talking about what you intend to do. Decisive action will serve you best. Discussion assumes you are dealing with a person who is committed to acting in good faith. A cheater is far from that.

Do not tell her of your intentions or coming actions. Just do it!

You have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be used against you...

Aletheia

Hope you don't mind me asking, you said she told you she ended "it", what exactly is "it"?

The close friendship. That’s all it was and she said there was nothing physical.

You said you saw inappropriate messages but weren't every specific

The messages were not sexual in nature but personal and obviously not appropriate for a married woman. Heading in a bad direction.

that you feel that "it" is still happening

.

Based on what she’s done it’s impossible to believe her that she really told him that their personal communication and seeing each other needed to stop so she could work on her marriage. I wasn’t there. And the lack of her trying to find ways to rebuild trust just aren’t there. Things feel off to me in general. And I’m overly sensitive about the topic.

And can't remember if you said whether there's a spouse? Or if you have ever met them before

?

From my research no spouse but I’m not able to dig very much up on him. And I’ve never met him prior or after even though I’ve wanted to.

Sorry. I couldn’t find it. But is this confirmed someone she works with? Does she still work with him? Does she see him every day.

Stevesn

Yes. They work at the same place, indirectly. Don’t know that she sees him every day, or did. Their communication was mostly done through Teams. But the messages I found were on FB chat.

Breaknotbend,

You said

She’s contributed around 40% of all mortgage payments for the 7 years we weren’t married and the last three since we have been. She’s going to have a right to that equity and I wouldn’t deny her that. I will talk to an attorney though.

Sounds like she's entitled to some equity. The question is how much equity is she entitled to under the law. Based on the payments, the equity should be split 60-40 in your favor, but it all depends on what the law says. Talk to your attorney to nail that down.

Her behavior with the OM is/was inappropriate - and destroyed your trust in anything she says/promises.

After what she's done, it's 100% her responsibility to prove to you that she didn't kiss him (or anything else) - and is no longer texting him, having coffee or lunch or in any contact other than what is required by work.

It's up to her to do/offer to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe from infidelity. For example, no nights out with friends or happy hours; to pay & take a polygraph, or put a gps in her car, or face time you during the day.

However, IMO you should not ambush or blindside her.

She should be informed that you expect her to prove that she's been faithful; and that she's a safe partner going forward.

That no proof means divorce.

And if she does nothing (dismisses your concerns as unreasonable or pretends there's no problem) then you will divorce her.

So sorry for the shit show you are in.

As a adult, why meet at his place to just ‘walk his dog?’

She and he are adults; unfortunately there is more; adults don’t miss work to walk a dog.

Make the appointment for STD and STI checks. Tell her after the event and if the love bombing is continuing then practice safe sex. If or when asked tell her there is more and unfortunately you can’t trust her word, she is untrustworthy at the moment.

Do you feel she is distant about her relationship ending with this POS?

Also her last relationship did she have a inappropriate relationship that ended that union?

No one wants to be a PI 🕵️‍♀️ in their marriage but you may have to go silent to gather what information you need to make that decision to D. In your mind draw that line in the sand and stick to it. I will just say cheaters lie, they lie a lot to control the situation and fallout. They rewrite the relationship to justify their actions, things that were insignificant in the past are now devistating to the marriage. She made conscious decisions and deliberate actions throughout this to get where she is now.

Eat healthy, drink water and try to exercise to get in a good place mentally.

One day at a time.

So yeah. I thought so. And you are getting good advice especially in the last few posts.

So here is what I would like to say to you. I’ve said it here often. You cannot truly reconcile with someone who is still in daily contact with the person they cheated with (no matter to what degree they cheated). Sure a few here have made it work. But if they are in constant contact on a daily or even weekly or even monthly basis, it makes an already monumental task, nearly impossible.

But even more than that. Even more important. Even if they never saw each other again… you cannot rebuild from infidelity if your Wife still holds a place in her heart for this man. No matter how much work, if you are not just #1 in her heart, but the ONLY one in her heart, then anything you and she do to fix things will create a relationship based on a lie.

So with that, I think it’s very important for you to communicate where you stand and what your expect.

I am all about honesty. And I think you have to be honest with yourself if you truly want to live with someone who is actually pining away for someone else.

And hopefully the answer is “no, I absolutely do not”

So I’d sit her down or write this down and read it to her and then give it to her to read again. And then I would start moving on. She can come along if that is what she wants.

With that in mind this is what I would say to her if I were in your shoes. Modify as you find appropriate.

“I want you to know, you’ve broken my trust. I no longer trust you. You were intimate in some form or another, with another man. Trust is delicate. It needs to be nurtured. You took a sledgehammer to it by your interactions with this man.

I wish you well in finding what you are looking for”

Then stop interacting w her my friend. Talk to a lawyer. You can slow walk D proceedings if that’s what you need. But taking this approach will get you to a better place one way or another. Either she will wake up and do everything necessary to rebuild. Or you will know, you weren’t worth it to her but at least you won’t waste any more time.

I hope you will consider doing this. I think it’s the right thing to do. Even if she hung around sex bombing you and a few other nice things, until she can prove she absolutely hates the AP and only loves you, nothing will be good enough to help you find happiness.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:59 PM, July 29th (Thursday)]

Thank you for answering my questions BNB.

You're not being overly. She was inappropriate, then lied, said she'd end it, to up it & go to his house. She had no intentions of telling you that. I'm so sorry you're going through this. After you caught her going to his house did she apologize & acknowledge the deception? It's disconcerting that she knows you're still upset, even if you're trying your best to stay calm, and she's not reassuring you at all :(

ETA: Stevesn has the touch. Hope you implement that & it works out.

[This message edited by Aletheia at 9:27 PM, Thursday, July 29th]

Buffer

Do you feel she is distant about her relationship ending with this POS?

Not sure. Something is off. Not sure if he’s still in her head or she’s grieving. She’s says there’s just an awkwardness right now but idk.

Also her last relationship did she have a inappropriate relationship that ended that union?

He was an alcoholic is all I know from her. Never asked him.

Stevesn

And I think you have to be honest with yourself if you truly want to live with someone who is actually pining away for someone else.

No. I do not. I cannot. I will consider your words for use when the time comes. Thank you for that.

Aletheia

After you caught her going to his house did she apologize & acknowledge the deception?

Yes. Said she didn’t tell me because she knew how I would feel and how it would hurt me. Was just doing a favor for a friend. She doubled down on their “friendship” even after I was told the discussion has taken place that their relationship needed to remain professional only.