SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes the affair was physical including intercourse.

At first the affair was not physical now it turned into one time intercourse; soon it will be 2/3/4 times intercourse. This is called trickled truth like acid dripping on you. Very common and every cheater follows this and it's the worst. It resets every progress you make towords reconciliation. Make her understand that. That's why you need a written timeline of everything happened between them.

How does she prove herself to me? Restore trust?

I think you are jumping gun too soon here. You still don't have a complete timeline yet. How can you forgive not knowing what she did? So, get the complete timeline first then decide wheter confirm everything with polygraph. You haven't said anything about what is she doing to regain your trust other than trickle truthing you. And truth be told there wont be any trust for unseeable future as someone said above R is marathon.

I'm pretty sure it's not a one time sexual intercourse. They seem to be working together for a project so they most likely had all the time in the world for a full blown affair.

As I've written in my previous post, all the 'truths' you know came from your wife. Whatever she feeds you, that's the 'truth'. She's a cheater and liar, what makes you think she's telling the real truth now?

I've not read your entire thread - just the first page, which prompted me to say:

one: the suicidal ideation is REAL (read my tagline). It's a miracle my WH is alive (I found him hanging, tried to hold him high enough to get oxygen while I had 911 on the phone - EMT arrived and told me he was dead, but managed to revive him). Please take it seriously.

two: don't be in such a rush to R. You don't have ANY clue if your WS is "R material". It takes a TON of work to become a safe partner, and the bulk of that work needs to be squarely on the shoulders of the WS. Again, see my tagline. I basically rugswept my WH's 1st A. And that led to a 20+ year LTA, which has messed with my mind more than anything I could have EVER imagined.

Which is also why I think MC is a very very very bad idea. I think the most recent example may be HowCouldSheDoIt, whose MC basically told him - the BS - that he had to stop being "abusive" and did not hold the WS' feet to the fire in any way, shape or form.

I HIGHLY recommend listening to the Helping Couples Heal podcasts and the 2-part interview with Marnie Breecker on "The Addicted Mind" podcast. They will delve deeply into relational betrayal trauma. Stan Tatkin's interview on HCH is chock full of great advice, including him basically saying that the most successful couples in R are those where the BS REALLY hold the WS' feet to the fire.

There's a saying on SI that you have to be willing to lose the M to save it.

Truer words could not be said IMHO.

Godspeed.

You have suffered a major (major) emotional trauma.

Google: PTSD

Familiarize yourself with the various stages that you will be cycling through over and over. This is one of the reasons you should delay deciding on R or D.

There are no exceptions to trauma.

Inform her you are in favor of divorce but are giving yourself 90 days to calm down before deciding on R or D. In the interim she (can do research) can take steps to prove she deserves a second chance.

WHAT IF YOU GRANT R IMMEDIATELY??

- Experience shows that she will view you as weak (yes weak) and unwilling to divorce her. This sets you up for her to cheat again someday (when she feels lonely, depressed, unappreciated, ...the list is endless).

It's very (VERY) important that she believes that you will divorce her if she can't prove (not promise) she'll be a safe partner in the future (bluff if you have to).

I suggest you both read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass

It will give her ideas on how she can convince you that she'll be a safe partner.

It's based on research of couples that experienced infidelity. 'Good' people that never intended to commit adultery. What they did wrong and what they could have done different.

As for gaining more of the truth. I don't know how that can happen. My only source of info is my wife and the wife of the OM. Who says her husband is pretty vague about details.

I'm glad you are talking with the OBS (Other betrayed spouse). I strongly suggest you make common cause with her about how to handle this situation going forward. For one thing you can have a common cause approach on getting to the truth. "Pretty vague about the details" should be entirely unacceptable to both you and the OBS. One constant you'll hear on here is "forgiveness is great-- but know what you are forgiving".

Personally, I would hold off on making any explicit promises that you are going to default to reconciliation. You know only a vague notion of what actually transpired during this affair, beyond the who what and when. I really wouldn't want to promise anything until you have a good timeline you could share with the OBS. If you feel particularly inspired you might follow up with a visit to the nearest company providing polygraph tests. You'd be amazed what you can find out in a parking lot confession. Also, and this is important, but independently verify everything she tells you. She was totally vested in hiding the truth from you for a long time. Are you going to accept what she has to say as the truth, just because she says it is? Think hard on that. Trust is the first casualty of adultery, and the longest lasting. It may be years before you could trust her again, and it may be never.

Lastly, realize she may do everything right, be the perfect recovering spouse, and you still might file for divorce. You just don't know yet.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 4:21 PM, July 15th (Thursday)]

You have been given good advice. I would only add that since you have the potential to interact with the OM at work, you must bring this problem to your supervisor so that appropriate action can be taken. The potential for a very bad thing to happen if the two of you meet at work is very real.

Your wife must find another job. That is one of the penalties for cheating. Make sure that she understands that if she does anything remotely close to what she did again, the marriage is done. Have her sign a postnup even if it has little legal value. It will drive the point home. You will carry the betrayal with you for the rest of your life. She must carry the burden of an adultress from this point forward. That means she has no privacy when it comes to her electronic devices, no girls' night out, no men friends. Make it clear to her that if you get a whiff of any funny business, you are done with her.

My life's experiences have made me a one-strike and you're out type of person when it comes to this nonsense. But I understand your desire to keep the family intact. I wish you good luck and I hope you find peace.

[This message edited by src9043 at 5:44 PM, July 15th (Thursday)]

Still there?

Hello Everyone I am still here and here is an update:

I have taken the advice on here pretty closely although not perfectly.

My wife is going to quit the job by going to HR and hopefully ending both of their employments at my job.

She has been in IC focusing on herself

I have had my first IC session.

I have told her that D is very much an option still and if in the future there is a lie no matter how small that I will end it. Cheating again is obviously also instant divorce.

We did keep our MC session mostly because it was already scheduled. I will say it went quite well and the MC said many of the things that you all have said and really didn't try to "wipe it under the rug" or put any of the blame on myself.

My wife knows all of this is because of her. and choices she made.

Oh I got the whole story and the timeline makes a lot of sense and it matches up with calls and such.

I have told her we are going to have a polygraph done and she is acceptable of that. I told her that if something flagged there it will be D.

Thing is there are no polygraph services in the area? So not really sure what to do there.

I have started reading "What makes love last" and it has been quite eye opening and has made me more critical of myself and our M before the A happened. I really like the book I wish I was given it on my wedding day and forced to read it.

She has nearly finished "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" and she has been receptive of the information. Upon my read through of the book I feel like she was already taking steps that the book was pointing out already.

I personally am still up and down with feelings of sadness and anger. I feel very consumed by the feelings at times and I know it has affected my parenting and likely my work.

I reflect on all the ways I could have stepped in and stopped the affair before it got to the point it did. I had caught her lying way early on about a lunch she had with him and I didn't press it.

I feel so many negative emotions. My wife has been doing her best to boost me up although sometimes it doesn't work and I feel inconsolable. I hope these negative feelings go away with time?

I know I have to build myself up and I am certain that IF we make it through all this still in a marriage I know it will be a better one. I still have "Not "just friends"" to read and "after the affair" to read. I am hoping to find something that helps me through this.

Okay thanks everyone for all of the advice and kindness I appreciate it.

I haven't read through this whole thread, but I felt strongly enough about jumping on this thread that I reactivated my account.

I do NOT believe that your wife MUST quit her job if she and the OM don't need to have contact at work, and if she seems committed to doing whatever it takes to help you feel safe. Based on your last comment, she seems like she is.

My H STILL works at the same company as the OW, 17 years later. We had small hiccups in the beginning regarding what was acceptable contact (there was never a return to the A) and we worked through them and rebuilt solid trust. (10mo EA/PA)

IMO, close contact at work is a no-go, but if she doesn't have to interact with him at all and if it would put a strain on your finances for her to quit, I think it's fine to consider maintaining the status quo.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 2:07 PM, July 20th (Tuesday)]

Thing is there are no polygraph services in the area? So not really sure what to do there.

We drove 2.5 hours one way.

Ya I wanted to get it done.

Marriage problems, self esteem issues, personal disappointments, depression, boredom (the list is endless) are a normal part of everyone's life - but everyone does not commit adultery.

However, she did. And she needs to figure out why she choose adultery vs other options.

Stop beating yourself up with what you might have done to discourage the adultery.

Instead, both should read: 'Not Just Friends' by Dr Shirley Glass. It's based on research of couples (good people) that experienced infidelity.

After reading ask your wife to identify each boundary that she violated with the OM that contributed to her building a 'friendship' that placed her marriage at risk for an affair.

Also, ask her what she intends to do about boundaries going forward.

With respect to a polygraph. You may have to arrange to visit a city where it's available.

I reflect on all the ways I could have stepped in and stopped the affair before it got to the point it did. I had caught her lying way early on about a lunch she had with him and I didn't press it.

how?

After she, in her mind gave herself permission to have an affair there was nothing you could have done to stop it, maybe postpone a tryst from Tuesday afternoon to Thursday evening but you ain't gonna stop a determined woman...

Firstly, women are 'generally' different than men. They usually do not have sex with someone unless they is an emotional connection, and that connection takes awhile to develop, and to end. Obviously there are the exceptions, but with women, this is how it is.

Her current decision to end her employment , is a positive. It will help her brake the connection that has occurred. This also allows you to trigger less while she is working there...Infidelity is already such a mind twist, without having this added to it.

You need to look at ways initially to help you progress. Might sound selfish, but you need to take control of things relevant to your healing. If she is unwilling to help you, then take control. Control your destiny, whatever it may be.

The infidelity would have put you in a tailspin. Take control of your own destiny.

If not, it creates more emotional trauma which scars and changes you.

Lastly, with most infidelity stories, a very very very high number of them follow the same pattern. Exceptions are rare. a high number of posters feel that their situation is unique, there waywards wouldn't do that etc.

That is why the '180' is so important. It gives you emotional space to help you think more clearly.

[This message edited by paboy at 4:52 AM, July 24th (Saturday)]