SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If I may add something to help you see clearly...

Many here are showing you the hypocrisy of your wife's words and actions. You need to realize it to properly discount the garbage from her mouth, she is still in the fog.

Barry, you will one day start to get MAD. Mad at yourself and at her for putting you through this and for continuing to accept being treated this way. That's when you will start to heal and take proper action in a healthy manner. (Mad does not mean violent or mean, it means waking up).

Double post.

[This message edited by chapmtl at 8:08 AM, February 22nd (Wednesday)]

Yeah she is still in the fog, her mind is still in fantasy land. What deep conversations did they have? How they are betraying their families and kids? Rubbish, it was all about the thrill, the excitement, the ego boost, the new, that's it. Until she realizes this she is still lying to herself and acting like a wayward trying to justify her horrible behavior.

How did it feel having sex with her? I tried that many times with my wayward and it felt dirty, it felt dead, it felt like I was with a stranger, there was no bonding, it was yuck. I'm past the stage of "sports sex" that was me in my 20s, I like having sex when I'm in love with my partner. When I'm happy and secure and safe, not with a stranger, and that is what my wayward wife is to me now, a stranger.

she seems very nonchalant about the whole thing. She tells you that she loves him, that she desires him, that she'd still be in it if you hadn't discovered. I can only interpret from what I read, but it doesn't sound like she feels guilty, like she feels embarrassed, or even ashamed. I mean she was dared by coworkers to give a guy a blowjob at a party and she complied. She doesn't feel ashamed of this? She's a married mother of three and she openly gives blowjobs to coworkers? Where is her shame?

It's like she's absolutely certain that you won't divorce her. It's like, all she has to do is choose who she wants. Both of you want her.

Man, maybe I'm a Neanderthal, but I would bring her to her knees. I would let her know what I really thought of her. And if she didn't care what I thought, I'd divorce her. There's no way, I'd be listening to the shit she's been spewing.

good luck brother. I think you're going to need it.

For 20 years, my wife was never shy about how she strongly disliked cheating. Any time a couple we knew or even a news story would come up, she'd always chime in how the cheater disgusted her and how she thought so much less of the cheater - like pond scum. I would shrug my shoulder. Even sometimes said to her, "what are you so fired up about? There are liars and cheaters in this world. So what?"

Then a couple days after I found out about her cheating and confronting her, it occurred to me that she hadn't said that in a long time. (Still doesn't, by the way.). So I asked her, and she said she always felt like what she was doing was wrong, but she liked the feelings and that overrode her guilt. And she had stopped talking about it not because she stopped thinking it was wrong, but that she felt hypocritical to say it and it made her feel bad.

Other men and women I've known never had my wife's values of cheating being wrong. Many I've known had the opinion that cheating was OK if their spouse wasn't meeting their needs, or even if they "met" someone who they "fell in love" with. Those opinions were there before they cheated. Many I knew who thought that didn't cheat, as far as I know.

My outlook is that marriage vows are something above a normal "promise," there is a religious aspect and a public community (family/friend) aspect, and mostly a very personal face-to-face aspect of probably the most important far above promise that you make in your life.

How does your wife feel about cheating? Was it OK given her perception of the situation?

Have you asked her how did she go from her scrapbooking feelings of you a year ago to not being in love with you now?

She said other man was sweet and complimented her. She had meaningful conversations on family and life. Have you asked her, are you not sweet? Did you not compliment her? Did you not have meaningful conversations with her? Further, was SHE sweet to you? Did SHE compliment you? Did SHE initiate meaningful conversations with you? This is what I mean when I say look at it with her under the microscope. When she answers, don't just accept it but challenge it. Because her assertions are not based on reality, and she thinks it is.

Many of the cheaters here do not remind me of my wife. They remind me of my first long relationship when I was in my late teens/early 20s. I never caught her cheating, but I suspected she wanted to see what other fish were in the sea. After being happy together for about 2 years, she told me she wanted to "take a break" to see "if she would miss me.". Sound familiar? So we did. About 2 weeks in, she told me she thought we both should see other people. OK.

So she went on dates. I did too. First one I liked. Went out with her again. My "girlfriend" found out and was alarmed. She said, "I meant we should see other people, NOT get attached to them." OK.

My point to you is the hypocrisy. At least my old girlfriend was honest enough to put me on a somewhat equal footing. What about your wife? She wanted you to separate for HER to fool around, but she expected you to sit and wait while not telling you what was going on. It's beyond falling in love with another man, it's an additional level of lie to be willing to keep you in the dark EVEN when she was leaving you. I think that is another area you should ask her very critically.

Barry I don't understand the "dare" to give that POS a blowjob at the "company-holiday party" story. Sounds like a bunch of BS. She is saying a small group from work was sitting around drinking playing "spin the bottle" or "truth or dare" like a bunch of middle school kids?

That seems pretty far out there, or these people she is running with from work are lowlifes.

It just seems like such a strange story. I agree with what mike7 had say.

Barry, your last posts bleed of limbo and indecisiveness.

What is your gameplan at this point and with what she said, what exactly do you see in this marriage going forward ?

After one month, and knowing you were plan B, and her showing and even telling you that, what are you doing at this point ?

I don't understand it either. If she was to be believed it was a small get together with a few coworkers. At this point my wife and OM were already having an EA with kissing. They were all drunk and were playing a game I guess. She said she felt disgusted afterwards and broke it off with him for a week and then started up again. All I can do now is just take care of myself and my kids knowing there is a good chance that our marriage is ending. I am just shell shocked to the core.

Hey Barry, you realize that she didn't feel very disgusted because she went right back to him after a "break". I doubt the break...

She's just tossing you a bone or a lie, to imply she didn;t like it.

You have gone far and above what many BS would do, because you wanted to do what you could to save the marriage. But you cannot do that on your own. You are at rock bottom with her bull and will soon get the strength to get out of infidelity. She is far from rock bottom. She will not be getting there anytime soon.

The dare? Sounds like a 12 year old trying to blame other kids daring him to break a window. "It wasn;t me, I was dared to do it!" Fucking the OM at a company party. SMFH.

Before she can ever be honest with you she needs to be honest with herself.

I like the post about taking her statements under a microscope to peel that onion. The core is she did it because she chose to...pretty simple.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 3:19 PM, February 22nd (Wednesday)]

Yeah I know Barry, so sorry this is happening to you. It is still very fresh but time and her commitment to fixing herself and the marriage can lead to happiness and a stronger marriage. You need time to process what has happened. Dont make a decision yet. I would definitely have her disclose the affair to her parents. I would leave the kids out of it for now.

[This message edited by soulhurt at 4:20 PM, February 22nd (Wednesday)]

Barry,

It was a date. They were already in a full-out relationship and having sex. They were so brazen about it that the coworkers mentioned something afterwards. This was the "joking" that she has re-written in their mind.

Sharkman you are most likely right. The whole story was just odd. Their relationship must have been obvious at the work place and was probably the talk of the town. This week has been super rough, I hope these next few days are better.

Barry,

My advice (from a betrayed man whose wife left him for a co-worker that was a serial affair guy):

The longer she gets both options, the more she'll detach. There was something missing (for her) in her marriage before. Now the marriage just got 1000% harder with a lot more stress in it. It's not like that's going to make it a better place to be.

These people can justify anything. My XW dragged me to Curt Cameron events, despised anyone that engaged in infidelity, and held a high moral outlook. It mattered not one bit when "love" took her. Suddenly God was telling her to follow her heart, she denied any impact on our child, and what she was after - because she loved both of us - was to have both relationships for as long as absolutely possible.

You need to get to a counselor. Not any counselor - but one that specifically deals with infidelity.

You need to set immediate boundaries for your wife. My recommendations:

1) I'd talk to an attorney.

2) I'd file for divorce. Note, I said file, not necessarily follow though. Give her a shot over the bow. I delayed this, it was a mistake. The finalization can be delayed forever in most states.

3) Come up with things that you need for you - like she needs to pursue a new job and have one in X days. Absolutely no contact with the co-worker.

4) Shut up and start checking her phone records. Do not disclose that you're doing this. Start looking at her bank card actions. Do not disclose that you're doing this. It's important.

5) Tell her that you have a boundaries. If she contacts her AP, steps out again, lies, or has so much as a minor slip up the CONSEQUENCE will be that you'll ask her to leave, take the divorce off hold, tell her parents, and contact her place of employment. Tell her that she can choose to engage these consequences or not. Tell her you're not going to do it in anger or haste, but if she chooses to break the rules you want her to know what the result of HER ACTIONS will be.

6) Require immediate counseling. She has to go, every time. She has to do the work. Without excuses.

Barry,

There is no 'hoping'. Things are shitty, you didn't do okendamn thing to cause them but you ARE a self-driven man who will get himself out of this. There is really no reason to complain about something that needs to be done, right?

So roll up your sleeves, get angry and start doing. Take charge of your life.

You really really need to be engaged with legal counsel. At a minimum you need to protect yourself. Lawyering up will also drop a whole heap on consequences into her lap. Selfish people only do things for themselves and consequences motivate them to do so.

Right now she's had zero consequences except messing up her relationship with her boyfriend. It's time to start doing.

This isn't the job you asked for but it's the job that you have. It's tethers jobs that define us as people. We're rooting for you.

Sharkman you are most likely right. The whole story was just odd. Their relationship must have been obvious at the work place and was probably the talk of the town. This week has been super rough, I hope these next few days are better.

She knew she has to give up that occasion because there were witnesses. The adding te joking part was her way of minimizing it for if you spoke to them (you are planning on speaking with them right ?????). It was doing damage control

If she's doing damage control on verifiable situations then rest asssured this went on for much longer and was my deeper than she is telling you. Please read the post underneath your last post, it details exactly what you must do

Barry,

Please do something to get out of infidelity. Read the thread "Kiss Kiss Under The Clothes." Your lack of gumption to get out of infidelity is demonstrative, and I think you are going to end up like person in this thread if you remain this way. You cannot expect someone else to get you out of infidelity. You have to do it for yourself. Why don't you want to remain in a state where you are hurting? You deserve better.

How about you go to a doctor to get some anti-anxiety medication? How about reading up on infatuation and limerence to better comprehend what you wife is in the middle of? The longer you stay and limbo, continuing to stick your head in the sand, the longer you are going to hurt, and the more respect your wife is going to lose for you.

Barry, Facilitate her connecting back with the POS. She will leave home which you can claim as abandonment to take full custody and everything. She is still lying and is not even showing regret let alone remorse. I think she is sexually out of control

sorry wrong thread

[This message edited by ocdude at 10:32 AM, February 23rd (Thursday)]

I am now going to treat her more as a roommate until she completely proves to me that she's sorry. I was inimate (sic) with her today using protection of course ... I let her know this doesn't change anything ...

These are inconsistent statements.

If you stay with her and continue to perform all your husbandly duties, including having sex, why would she think she needs to prove something?

I have asked what she was thinking and is she was even thinking of our kids. She said no, she enjoyed the company of the OM and how he made her feel emotionally and physically. Someone has mentioned her being obsessing with him and my wayward wife has said she did feel obsessed with him. Saying she found him incredibly confident and attractive. But doesn't want him and wants me... Well for now she's still in IC. All I think about is how she did all these acts with him with a smile on her face. Everyday is so challenging to get through.

Maybe it's just because I provide her financial support, she had me to provide her financial support and OM to fuck and love.. I'm just starting to get angry. The full story of her escapades are just disgusting.

[This message edited by barry22 at 3:37 PM, February 24th (Friday)]