SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She said she doesn't want to split, I said why? Well she said she does love me but doesn't feel "in love" like how she used to feel. What does that mean? She just said she cares about me and doesn't want to divorce. Something just finally clicked in me I said okay, so I took that scrapbook she gave me and tossed it in the trash right in front of her. She looked visibly hurt. I just said we're done and told her to call her boyfriend to pick her up maybe you can give him a BJ instead of gas money. I deserve better than you. It seriously shocked her. I didn't even yell at her either.

I've been doing a lot of self reflection and realize I have a lot to bring to the table as a partner/man. I have been reading a lot and looking at it from an outside perspective and know I will be a better partner/man moving forward whether it's with her or not. This is the first thing I've done where I can actually feel I feel better about myself.

Atleast if we divorce I won't have to rub her damn aching legs and feet anymore from her stupid RLS.

[This message edited by barry22 at 1:01 PM, March 1st (Wednesday)]

Barry, I know the position you are in- because I was in it a while back.

I had a whole lot of the 'nice guy' syndrome going on. Over the years rather than rock the boat I had let my wife 'call the shots' on many things in our marriage. You know the old saying 'if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy? Well, me 'trying' to make her and the kids happy is about all my life became for 10 years. That was empowering to her and she was happy for a while but when the kids were in grade school and she began to get some age on her and also advanced up the ladder some at her workplace then again she became moody and 'unhappy'. Truth be known, she has some things that need worked out in counseling but she has always been unwilling to do it.

I treated my wife like a queen within the limits of our affordability. She got so used to it that she took it for granted and still wanted even more.

Then, she gets a new boss at her job and ends up having an affair. I caught onto it after about 6 months- and after much TT and lies she finally realized I had her pegged and she had to admit to it all. After serious instability and much unpleasantness the affair was ended and after a period of time we decided to R.

The old dynamic we had of her calling the shots and me dutifully obeying was never going to work again- but she just could not 'see' that. She was so used to it that she could not grasp any other way of relating to me. Several years out now from her affair we still struggle and have not totally worked out our relationship dynamic but we have many more 'good' days than 'bad'.

The turning point was a good ways down the road into R when I made it clear that I was done with the lies, the manipulation, and any kind of bullshit treatment from her and that I would file D and be done rather than listen to it another minute. That was the turnaround point for her.

Like I said, were not perfect here even years out- but I do not take the attitude and bullcrap from her any more. I am fair- and I expect her to be fair as well and immediately, and frankly call her out on any manipulation or entitled behavior. If it ever gets to a point that I feel its more bad than good then I'm good with ending things. I no longer feel like the captain that 'has to go down with the ship'.

You have to get strong and serious about the divorce. What it took for me to get there was finally realizing why would I want to be with someone who abused me, didn't want to work 'with' me, and didn't choose freely to want to be with me?

I printed out the divorce papers and told her very strongly to either commit to the marriage 100% or get the hell out- and if she didn't do one or the other in the next 3 days then I was making the decision for her. I would have totally divorced her and she believed it. There is a palpable difference between merely 'threatening' D and stating your boundaries and being serious about divorce as the consequence. The wayward can sense the difference. You have to be ready to go- either way- and be AOK with it.

Good for you, Barry! Apparently, it took a 2x4 right between the eyes for her to realize that the "game" has changed. Keep moving out of infidelity! Continued strength and courage to you.

Good for you! Remaining in infidelity should never be an option.

Good for you! She is cake eating. Waiting to see what happens next. She sounds like she is still talking to OM and in the fog. You shook her workd a little with that. Shake it the rest of the way, hand her walking papers. If that doesnt lift the fog nothing will. Stop being Mr. Nice Guy, she is using you against you. Good luck. Remember, none of this is your fault. You tried and she walked on you again. My XWW did the same, until 1 day I finally had enough. Had her served and never looked back...

Barry , good for you for standing up for yourself. You are absolutely right, you deserve better and the most unbelievable thing is as long as we allow them to serve up shit sandwiches, they will.

Keep up the calling her out and don't let her gain control.

The whole ILYBINILWY is bullshit much of the time.

Long term marriages will never alway have fireworks all the time . Love is action based on a commitment. The wayward at some point forgot that part. You are right in not allowing her to string you along. I suspect the whole vacation thing was to allow her to compare you to the other man. "Lets see if we have the same fireworks together as I do with the other man".

I am glad you knocked her off the fence. Now watch her actions .

She is still in the fog hooked on the excitement of the new. Long marriages take work to keep the rainbows, sparks and unicorns flying.

Please think about your future happiness. Do you think you can get past this and be happy and mentally healthy married to her?

Barry -

Good for you for making a decision. Now comes the hard part... just like we say with waywards that we look to actions over words - the same applies to betrayeds. Now you have to actually follow through and take action. Tossing the scrap book in the trash is dramatic and emotionally satisfying - but in the grand scheme of taking action to get out of infidelity does not amount to much.

Now you need to take the emotion out of the situation and treat this as a business transaction. That is very hard to do but it can be done. You don't have to mean, nasty or hurtful - but you absolutely don't need to be a nice guy either.

File for the divorce and get that ball rolling. Ask you lawyer how far you can go but start separating finances and bills now. Cancel joint credit cards and start cancelling any unnecessary services or other non critical finacial obligations.

The ONLY conversations you need to have are 1) children, 2) finacial obligations, and 3) the bare minimum to arrange the logistics of the divorce.

DO NOT get caught up in any other conversation or drawn into anything that does not fall into the three things above. You have been fired from having any responsibilities to her now - treat it as such.

It will be tough. It will be tempting to 'do just this one favor because it is the right thing to do'... Resist that temptation. It is all business now.

All that being said... you may eventually reconcile. I ultimately did but I am a firm believer that reconciliation only works when the wayward is 100% all in to fixing their mess and fixing themselves. You don't have that right now... as others have said your wayward clearly wants you to do the 'pick me' song and dance.

Good luck, stay strong and keep a strong sense of your worth!

Shock and awe time. Expose to family and officially file for divorce. Put all her shit out of the master bedroom and put a lock on the door. Talk to a realtor and get a for sale sign on the front lawn the same day you serve her.

Tell your teenagers that your mother has been having sex with another man for the past few months and now says she is no longer in love with me. "I was hoping that we could save the marriage and keep the family together but I am no longer able take her abuse."

Only consequences will possibly wake her up. These actions may do the job, if not, let her enjoy her life as a divorced middle aged mother of 3. Oh yea , there's a long line of quality men that want an adulterous snow flake like that.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 2:17 PM, March 1st (Wednesday)]

Glad to hear you stuck up for your herself, Barry. Now continue sticking up for yourself. As Jsmart recommended, put her stuff in another bedroom, and file the papers. You deserve better than this. Keep moving yourself out of infidelity.

Oh, and if she acts like you should woo her again, flatly tell her: "I'm not the one that went and fucked another person. If anyone should do any wooing around here, it's you not me. You better get your head out of your ass because I'm moving out of infidelity." And walk away, stone-faced.

Eyes beginning to open ...

Maybe it's just because I provide her financial support, she had me to provide her financial support and OM to fuck and love.. I'm just starting to get angry.

Waking up ...

Something just finally clicked in me I said okay, so I took that scrapbook she gave me and tossed it in the trash right in front of her. She looked visibly hurt. I just said we're done and told her to call her boyfriend to pick her up maybe you can give him a BJ instead of gas money. I deserve better than you. It seriously shocked her. I didn't even yell at her either.

I've been doing a lot of self reflection and realize I have a lot to bring to the table as a partner/man. I have been reading a lot and looking at it from an outside perspective and know I will be a better partner/man moving forward whether it's with her or not. This is the first thing I've done where I can actually feel I feel better about myself.

Now the question is, will you fully awaken to your predicament and actually do something about it or, like a lot of guys, will you let the moment pass and go back to sleep.

Barry,

Well done! You have taken firm action and blown your wife’s deluded view of the situation out of the water. That is very positive, and it needed to be done if any kind of healing is to be possible for either of you. Until she takes full proper ‘ownership’ of the rotten things she has done, and through doing that understands that she has a huge amount to make up to you, there is no chance of any meaningful reconciliation, or even of any moving forwards at all.

Your wife was operating in a self-serving bubble, in which the marriage was just about her. That was why you felt so left out, and why she was controlling things. If she felt things weren’t all fireworks and roses at home, she should have been talking to you about it. It was her choice to not do that, and to go and blow guys at work for a dare instead. How was that going to improve the marriage? All it has done is cause a huge amount of damage, and she must have a terrible reputation at work now. It was a ridiculous thing for a married wife and mother to do. Maybe that is why she has avoided taking responsibility for it so far.

It takes two people to build and maintain a marriage, but just one to destroy it.

She cares about you and doesn’t want to divorce? She needs to be making far more effort than that. And the person who has the right to want a divorce is you, not her. She is the transgressor, not you. You did not cheat, she did. She has to accept that if a divorce happens, it will be a direct consequence of her actions, and that as an adult, if you do something bad, there may be consequences. You don’t get caught burgling a house and say, “But I don’t want to go to jail, I just wanted that person’s stuff”.

If she cared about you and didn’t want a divorce, why did she turn herself into a sideshow at work when she should have been working on making the marriage better? You’re a nice guy, it’s not like you wouldn’t have done your part. Instead, she left you totally out of the loop, made no effort for the marriage, and effectively abandoned it to become a star performer at “Truth or Dare” at work. How is any of that caring for you and not wanting to end the marriage?

It is so good that you are realising your self-worth, Barry. There are a few threads in this forum where betrayed spouses are being ground down to shadows of their former selves by waywards who seem hellbent on destroying them by giving them no love, no consideration, and no respect. It is just horrible to watch it happening in slow motion. So well done for standing up for yourself and saying enough is enough.

“I know I will be a better partner/man moving forward whether it's with her or not. This is the first thing I've done where I can actually feel I feel better about myself.”

Amen to that! This is the point where things start to get better. You have broken the vicious circle that you were stuck in, and you can finally move forward positively. Stick to your guns, Barry. As you say, whatever happens, you will be a better man for it, and at long last you feel better, because you have re-established control over your life.

[This message edited by M1965 at 3:51 PM, March 1st (Wednesday)]

If she cared about you and didn’t want a divorce, why did she turn herself into a sideshow at work when she should have been working on making the marriage better?

Quote . Of . The . Thread !

Barry,

I stood up and cheered when I read your last post. Don't you feel better now? That's called 'taking control' and 'deciding to not be treated like a piece of crap'.

Your life is yours, you deserve it.

Barry you f***in rock.

It occurred to me that Manual GTR's WW and Barry's WW seem to think mementos were a magical talisman against their BHs telling them to take a hike once the shit hit the fan. Weird. I wonder if that is a common occurrence.

My wife took it out of the trash. She always cared a lot about that type of stuff. I guess it was a little mean she put a lot of work into it, but it's not even in the same stratosphere to what she has done.

In regards to the vacation, she told me she thinks we need time away from everyone including the kids for just us and she doesn't care where we go. Said she wants to attempt to reconnect.

So where we are at, she told me she is not talking to that POS and doesn't even care about him anymore. That she just wanted to be honest because she doesn't think we can get through this without honesty. Well we wouldn't even be in this mess if she was honest.

I asked her what she wanted, she said me. I told her she's going to have to work her ass starting now. If I get anymore of the slight glimpse that she does not want our marriage, I am moving forward with the divorce no questions asked.

[This message edited by barry22 at 5:47 PM, March 1st (Wednesday)]

Keep at it, Barry. To start, how about a talk with her parents, you parents, and your children (in an age appropriate way) concerning what she did? That be a great first step.

Barry:

You just took your true first steps out of infidelity.

Let her earn the marriage back, or not.

Either way, continue to improve you.

Well done, Sir.