Wife and I have been married for 16 years (3 kids).
Barry, I have been on your path. Same spot in the marriage when it happened. Probably the exact same "why" it happened. I thought about a lot of things of how I got there and I still do. I'm still working it out, but I did learn a lot so far. I could have told you a lot more when you first came here, but you could not have heard it. I'm not sure you still can.
You had a good marriage, your wife was good to you and you were good to her. There was something missing from her life, she didn't even know it, she wasn't searching for it, but it came to her and she just followed the feelings. The feelings were the same feelings she had for you so long ago, the feelings she probably lost for you before you even got married. Almost definitely after you had your first child.
These are the butterflies in the stomach feelings, infatuation. Much of it comes from uncertainty and anticipation and insecurity. When you and your wife started together, very likely she wasn't sure if you would call her or not. Every time the phone rang, her heart leaped hoping it would be you. Men and women frequently are different in this regard, traditionally, men are the pursuers, the ones calling, initiating, and frequently the women feel constrained, yet still enjoy being pursued. I don't think I could know this except for all the experiences in my life, my sisters, my wife, my wife's friends, my brothers and my friends. I see so much of these patterns.
So I see your wife that way. There are all kinds of people, some are extremely selfish and always have been, even when married. Some lack morals and never did. So the marriage was beneficial to them and they left the marriage when it didn't benefit them any longer. The former, the selfish, may have morals, feel guilty, but in the end, their selfishness overrode it. But the guilt constrains some of their selfishness. And the immoral ones, well, guilt doesn't constrain them, so they continue to run wild. But these two groups combined are probably well less than half, maybe even less than a quarter, of cheaters.
I think by and large the cheaters are like your wife and mine, good people, proven to be so over many years, who did these things which were against their morals and are guilty and conflicted and even confused about them. Surely you can see your wife is confused. She wants to go back on the "moral" path, but she doesn't have the "feelings," and she truly does want to reconnect with you. And no, the vacation would not do that, this is an inner game to a large degree.
In regards to the vacation, she told me she thinks we need time away from everyone including the kids for just us and she doesn't care where we go. Said she wants to attempt to reconnect.
I had a lot of girlfriends, and it happened more than a few times after a number of months the young woman would tell me, "I think we should take a break from 'us.' " A few of them told me, "I want to see if we don't see each other, if I will 'want' you more." It never worked for me. I felt rejected and would tell them, "no, I'm done." Even though I didn't want it to be done, even more, I didn't want to feel rejected and "wait" for them. So I would move on. Sometimes maybe a year or more later, these women would contact me and want to start up again, but I never let them back in.
so I took that scrapbook she gave me and tossed it in the trash right in front of her. She looked visibly hurt. I just said we're done and told her to call her boyfriend to pick her up maybe you can give him a BJ instead of gas money. I deserve better than you. It seriously shocked her.
I think your anger was needed. The most important thing you posted in that quote is the "seriously shocked her" part. This comes back to the beginning of the relationship, the "uncertainty," the "surprise," the "not knowing" of what you would do or say. Part of this causes some of the desire.
You did not nurture that part of unexpectedness, probably because you didn't think it was important. And likewise your wife didn't do it, either. You were both happy and contented and there was not uncertainty and insecurity, and not much surprises. Your wife did this very big undertaking, this scrapbook, of your love. That possibly was her nurturing you. Your daily actions of working and paying and being a husband and father was you nurturing her, but maybe she took you for granted. She may have been wanting more. First she did the scrapbook, then she got a job, then she got an affair. You basically did the same stuff, but her life was changing largely based on her initiating it. And I don't think that was because she didn't love you, but I do think she felt something was missing.
Looking at my marriage, I asked my wife, what was missing? Why do that? Getting your dream can be a letdown. And then what do you do?
So I asked my wife, what was missing? When I asked you to marry me, what did you want out of life? Certainly not this day, a few weeks after me finding out her cheating, this could not have been her "dream." I was committed, we had great kids, we had money, we lived in a nice neighborhood, both of our families were great and all got along, our brothers and sisters were all great, we had good health. Was this not the dream? I thought we were living the dream.
And when we first met, when I was uncertain, when she wished I would call, when her heart would leap, she was wanting to get me to commit, and I in a certain way was wanting to get her to commit. Now this very "feeling," this uncertainty, the "surprising," the exploring, was the root of her cheating.
Have you asked your wife, what did she want out of the marriage with you? When did she fall out of love? And when she fell out of love, why did she not ask you about it? What did you do or not do to make her fall out of love? Or was it just her? Or just the way of nature, science, brain chemicals, etc.?
I will be a better partner/man moving forward whether it's with her or not. This is the first thing I've done where I can actually feel I feel better about myself.
To say that to yourself is good, but I think you still yourself short. I must say, after the devastation I felt, maybe a few days, I started to feel very liberated. Because you know what? I was in the same marriage that she was in, and it wasn't enough for me, either. I didn't feel like I had to follow any of the old rules in my marriage anymore. She broke all the rules. She ripped up the contract. I could re-write it the way I wanted.
I don't know if I see that too much here, but that's how I felt. So maybe this isn't something other people feel, but I do believe it can be a good thing. I thought I had been living the dream before she cheated, but afterward I realized that it could be better. You don't have to completely change the parts that worked, and maybe most of it did work.
She said she just doesn't feel in love with me, but thinks that can change.
I think the "feel in love" ends after a few years. "Love" is such a "feeling" that might feel different for different people that I always wonder if we're talking about the same thing, but the infatuation, butterflies in the stomach "in love" feelings almost certainly were gone within a few years after you married. Though if I talk with my wife, and if I am honest with myself, this maybe even died before the marriage even started. We had that feeling and we were wanting "the dream." Then when we had "the dream," maybe we wanted the "in love" feeling.
Also, I would say, over the marriage, there were things that caused us to have some of the "in love" butterflies in the stomach feelings. My wife told me that when I played with our children that she felt some of that. When she saw me at work functions where I was successful and in charge. When I saw her at parties, in social situations, how she interacted with people, it would do it for me.
So I think if you are ready to leave her, that probably is the best thing that can happen to both of you at this point. I think the other man came into her life and initiated feelings, and I think you being ready to leave her may also initiate feelings. When I caught my wife, I told her I'd help her pack to send her to other man. And then she knew I was not in the marriage for a long time after that. And we had what is referred to as "hysterical bonding." I think that loss of fear and uncertainty is as good a reason for that as anything else I've read or heard.
