SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This person who told her this is no "friend"

You're preaching to the choir

I suggest that you sit down with your WW and have a serious discussion on this topic.

If your marriage is important to you WW, she shouldn’t let her “friends” sabotage her efforts at R. She should ask herself, what kind of “friend” purposefully make your wife more miserable? And why let her friend bad mouth you?

Perhaps it is time for her to remove what’s hindering her marriage and focus on what is the most important.

I suggest that you sit down with your WW and have a serious discussion on this topic.

If your marriage is important to you WW, she shouldn’t let her “friends” sabotage her efforts at R. She should ask herself, what kind of “friend” purposefully make your wife more miserable? And why let her friend bad mouth you?

Perhaps it is time for her to remove what’s hindering her marriage and focus on what is the most important.

I have and she's sending a NC email to her tonight.

I have and she's sending a NC email to her tonight.

Some progress, make sure you read it first and watch her hit send, however the mental gymnastics you seem to be going thorugh to "believe her" is amazing, one thing is to "trust one's gut" another is believing what's least probable based on it, a long A with just 2 or three times of sex while being engaged which probably continued after the wedding based on her "not truly loving you" at the time, actively cheating on your fiance (YOU), lying to your face every day and making very conscious decisions to continue to cheat for so long and "conveniently" not remembering getting laid multiple times is simply baffling.

You're a guy, for a second put yourself in POSOM's shoes, why would he just have NSA sex a couple of times during all that time ? she was already cheating, she did it more than once so she must have liked it enough the first time to come back for more, where was all that cultural/religious fear during her A and why didn't it prevent her from getting laid with POSOM while being engaged and possibly married to you ?

Gently, I sincerely hope I'm wrong but I'm sorry I'm not buying her story that she forgot she had sex with POSOM, most people who get raped (which is more traumatic) don't forget, like someone else said 5 years is not that long ago, and if she's "trying to come clean" it means she's still lying and you can't R with lying WW as it shows no remorse. Is it possible she's now telling the truth, yes, is it probable and the most likely scenario ? a big NO. Of course this is and will always be your decision but whatever you decide, try not to base that decision on unlikely scenarios, you may even consider a surprise polygraph, some of the questions should be: were you telling me the truth when you said you forgot you had sex with POSOM, did you have sex with POSOM after we married ? did you have sex or had an inappropriate relationship even if it never got physical with someone else other than POSOM while being engaged to me or after M ?.

I feel terrible for you. You most likely haven’t scratched the surface.

You obviously want this to work, and my guess is if she remembered she slept with him a dozen times you would still make it work.

I would suggest you give her an amnesty pass. It all comes out. If things come out after she should be done.

This trickle truth is devastating and she needs it to stop. I agree that she just remembered is something my daughters would have said when they were busted at age 10

Sigh. I hear where you're coming from. I'm too exhausted to debate at this point.

I know what I believe. I know that no matter what I believe, I'm open to the possibility that I may be totally incorrect. If that happens... well, I'm gonna just pray it doesn't.

For now, I shall watch her actions & listen to the subtleties of her words.

Not even sure what to say here.

I wish you the best, OP, as you are in a very hard place.

I'm not sure I buy the not remembering...frankly...it's convenient and I can't envision not remembering something like a pregnancy scare, the plan B...those are pretty serious.

But, if it helps you sleep at night, do whatever you must.

I feel horrible for you. I really think you should take some time away from her to process all this. It doesn't sound like you really ever going to know the full truth and I think you are going to need sometime for you. I am not suggest you end your marriage but maybe a break away from her for a couple weeks might help you process this better.

I am sorry you are going through this.

SD- I get the focus on the M, the family, other societal pressures.

What about you ? What are you doing to figure this out for yourself ? Is IC possible ?

Personal care is never a bad thing, but what beyond that are you doing for yourself ? These things are traumatic and have to be given the same aftercare that a physical injury with lasting after effects does.

Even if your M finds a way to get back to what your expectations are/were the injury remains. I am just worried you are too focused on the "we," and not so much on you.

Which is 100% understandable BTW. I think most BS do that. We cling to familiar in times of crisis, even if the familiar is very painful.

What about you ? What would help you feel better today ? Tomorrow is tomorrow. What about today ?

No, I don't believe separating is the answer for my wellbeing, but I very much am aware that I need to focus more on myself.

As I spend most of my work-time driving, you have no idea how scary it is that I keep thinking "what-if's." I'm not going to elaborate on what I mean by that, which should be more than explanatory in itself.

At this moment, I really don't know what to do. I'm contemplating quitting the new job because of the fact that the more I'm on the road, the more I fear doing something foolish.

I'm also concerned that I'm giving myself a false sense of job security, as every dark day (which, obviously has been every day since DDay 2 this week) that occurs makes it almost impossible to focus on work. I fear getting fired at the 90 day mark (instead of getting insurance at that moment) because of my lack of ability to follow-up on these dark days, and I know that it will hit me way harder than if it's a choice within my control to walk away from the job & focus on me... but on the other hand, if I'm NOT working, I know I'll wallow in self-pity at home again and will have the financial crisis come back full-force (even worse because add IC for both into the mix), which is just as bad.

I'm looking into IC options. Does anyone know anything about on-demand telepsychology?

MODS, I don't know if I'm allowed to ask for any recommendations (free consultations would obviously be my preference). If I'm not allowed to ask, please feel free to edit out this paragraph. If I AM allowed to ask, please let me know if I should/could post into General with a request to PM recommendations to me.

I wish I was capable of truly crying for hours and letting the darkness fall within the tears.

I wish I was capable to drag myself out of all this shit without breaking myself further.

I wish I had the ability to push out my desire for an RA (which, yes, I know would be an exit-RA if it were to be acted upon).

I wish so many things I've said, and so many things that I cannot say even here.

Although I don't feel like I'm at the end of a rope, I know that if I don't start to act it could very well be a potential future, whether impulsive or premeditated. And that scares the absolute fuck out of me. I need help.

You have been through so much. It's natural that you want a break. If you could push through and focus on the job I think it'll be better for the kids in the long run. Take a break from this site. It's mentally draining. Set up fixed time in the evening where you'll check here. Can't let it consume you. I truly wish for you to come out of this ordeal a better man-divorced or together doesn't matter.

As for the IC, those guys really charge a lot. Talk therapy is so expensive. Going against the standard advice here and I'd say that it can wait if the financial burden is too much. Why? Because your wife is still lying to you. She keeps mirroring back the lines you feed her or what she thinks you want to hear. You'll call it fear/not remembering but I'll be uncharitable and call it full fledged lying. Please be open to any possibility here. You can't force an outcome. This could well be a multi year PA extending well beyond the timeline she has given you.

Make yourself the priority man. Rest will fall into place as it is supposed to.

If anyone simply can't understand nor accept that, I guess that says something about your own personal ability to put yourself into not just someone's shoes, but also to understand their cultural beliefs/indoctrination and the effects said indoctrination has on the psyche.

I take your point. I apologize for coming across as rude. I am a very direct person. It's juts how I communicate.

As for generalizing, regardless of our religious and ethnic backgrounds, sex is a global thing. It may have stigmas related to certain religions, but she is your wife man. As a married couple you are to submit your bodies to one another fully. There is nothing about her sexual past that you shouldn't know about and vice versa.

Its not a question of stigma, it's a question of honesty. She wasn't being honest with you.

Hey Dad,

It WILL get better... I've been where you are right now, most of us have been, and are not anymore.

Reach out for support, even if you're just having suicidal thoughts - passing ones like you're having. If you're in the US, call 1-800-273-8255. They CAN help you... and better than we can. They may even be able to refer you to an IC in your area.

Get some exercise, drink lots of water (and no booze), and try to eat high calorie, nutrient rich foods. Just focus on that for now.

Put the radio on and sing along while you're working. One time, while I was navigating the shit-storm, I yelled in my car so much that when I attempted to order a coffee at the drive-thru, all that came out was a hoarse, pathetic whisper. I even laughed that day.

I know it feels like its never ending right now - that every outcome is bad. It's your natural instinct to foresee the worst outcome, but it's not like that, man.

I wanted to save my marriage too, but I couldn't, and everything has worked out just fine.

You CAN get through this... it WILL get better, but it takes TIME and only time.

I don't want you to bury your head in the sand here either, but you're gonna do this your way - just as we all did. Just make sure YOU decide what must happen before you grant her the gift of continuing to be your wife. You must be at peace with yourself before your marriage even has a remote shot.

SD,

Can you speak with a Rabbi?

Are there Torah or Talmud study groups you can join in your orthodox community?

It's just horrible that we have to spend money on IC when we did nothing wrong.

[This message edited by survrus at 12:25 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

Can you speak with a Rabbi?

LOL! And I mean that in the most sarcastically snorting of ways. Orthodox Rabbis rugsweep - and ACTIVELY advocate BS' to rugsweep swiftly and fully - worse than anyone else in the goddam world.

Rugsweeping is, unfortunately, the preferred method of the Orthodox Jewish community in any and all matters of sex, EVEN INCLUDING sexual abuse, homosexuality, etc. I've had friends over the years who were actually muffled by religious "mentors" threatening them & their families if they'd go public while the abusers continued to live their lives being respected and honored by their local communities.

SD I suggest you focus more on the job right now as well your well being both mentally and physically, that way the finances don't become another burden in this already difficult situation, just be take a break from everything else, let your WW handle herself and tell her that at the very least you may need some space to process the situation and clear your head (this does not necessarily mean you moving out or separating), hit the gym if you can, like someone else said play some nice music, watch your favorite sports team, or something that you like doing, just let the process play itself for a moment while your WW goes through the introspection to find her "whys" and become a better person and safe partner. Know one thing, this too will pass and eventually whether it's R or D the world will keep on spinning and life goes on, you will become stronger over time.

I'm trying to, Buster.

I'm really trying to.

I actually just spoke with an IC (who specializes in anxiety & infidelity) for myself to schedule.

I actually just spoke with an IC (who specializes in anxiety & infidelity) for myself to schedule.

I think is exactly what is best for you right now. Also please be kind to yourself. One foot in front of the other. It is not great, but it does carry you through times like this.

Orthodox Rabbis rugsweep - and ACTIVELY advocate BS' to rugsweep swiftly and fully - worse than anyone else in the goddam world.

Rugsweeping is, unfortunately, the preferred method of the Orthodox Jewish community in any and all matters of sex, EVEN INCLUDING sexual abuse, homosexuality, etc. I've had friends over the years who were actually muffled by religious "mentors" threatening them & their families if they'd go public while the abusers continued to live their lives being respected and honored by their local communities.

Damn. Learn something new every day.

SaddestDad, I don't think it's a good idea to quit but I think it's a good idea to look for something else, if only as a backup plan. I think you need to take a HUGE step back from all of this and just focus on healing yourself. Stop worrying about repairing the marriage for now, and just focus on repairing YOU. You have been through so much trauma and you desperately need some help. Absolutely get counseling ASAP. Would you be open to anti depressants or other psych meds? I think it would work wonders for you. Not many people could forgive what your wife has done to you. You may decide after therapy and self care that you don't even want to be married to her anymore. I don't think you're in a healthy enough place right now to make a decision one way or another. No more digging for affair details... I think it's only making things worse for you at the moment. Wait until you feel stronger. Focus on doing things you enjoy. Spend time with people who love and support you. You deserve happiness and peace in your life. Leave your wife to figure her own shit out for now.

Not to come across facetiously... asking honestly - how does a broken & financially broke father of 2 toddlers "take care of himself?"

You have any idea how exhausted I am when I get home from work? How exactly am I supposed to get to the gym when I'm so exhausted?

You have no clue HOW many real triggers are around me in a 2 mile radius that I cannot avoid when I'm home, let alone while working in the field.

As for the gym ista3ls... knowing just how many people begin affairs at the gym while I'm fighting the urge to have an RA... that doesn't really help.

Can't go shooting because I'll end up in the ER with this frame of mind (if I'm lucky).

I have no close friends anymore, as the two best friends I've had are both not in stages of life that they could be of any benefit to keep around. They'd suck me in and drag me down even further.

One's an admitted SA.

The other's a workaholic gambler.

They're both flakey as hell older singles and can't be relied upon. Ever... which is why we grew apart as I matured and they did not.

I'm close with one of my siblings but he is across the country for months at a time and has his own serious narcissim issues and grates on my nerves to no end.

My other siblings... well, I'm not going there.

My father is a recovering pharmacology addict.

My mother is a workaholic that starts fights with me each and every time we speak, even if it's over the phone.

In my local friends are not people that I feel comfortable talking about this with.

The only 2 people that I MIGHT have been able to latch onto (for lack of a better term) are the husbands of WW's friends (the ones who KNEW about the engagement-phase-EA), as I was basically forced to become "friends" with their husbands because of how absolutely imperative it was for WW to remain the 3 best friends

Interestingly, on a side note - read receipt received that the NC'd friend did read the NC-letter, yet not response. That in itself says a LOT about how highly this friend holds of their "friendship" when she is not in total control of the situation.