Yankees,
I’ve been following your story, and had a few thoughts. As has been said, take or leave any of it, I’m just adding to the discussion.
“She even wanted to model on the side and I supported her.”
Be very, very, very careful with that. Bear in mind that your wife is not going to be modelling for Vogue magazine, and that she is a prime candidate to be led astray by photographers and film-makers who flatter her ego. “You have a lovely figure, you should show it off more…” Those guys can be real experts at getting models, particularly models who have some self-doubt and are seeking ‘reassurance’, to ‘open up’. Seriously, I’ve known a few cases where ‘modelling’ led to a lot more happening in the studio. For a woman with appearance ‘issues’, this could be an extremely slippery slope. I really don’t think you should encourage her to do this. It could lead to a lot more trouble than it is worth. Even if you insist you are every shoot, she can end up sneaking off to after-hours sessions for more risqué work, because they are exciting and flattering.
“When she told me I couldn't sleep with another woman it has stuck in my head. Like why not? I now have had the desire to.”
So she spends a week at another man’s house, after all her texts to him, and then she’s telling you that you can’t sleep with somebody else? Wow. So what’s fine for her to do is not okay for you? Yankees, it is not up to her to dictate terms, or to tell you what you can and cannot do. She really has got control issues, hasn’t she? In actuality, you can sleep with whomever you want, as often as you want, and you are well within your rights to tell her that, to restore some balance to the relationship. I’m not saying you should pick a fight for the sake of it, but some assertive independence on your part, and standing up for your rights, will pay dividends for you if you decide to stay with her.
She will only stop seeing you as a pushover, and stop trying to bend your life around whatever she wants, if you let her know what your boundaries are, and that YOU are in control of your life, and not her. When she thought being at another guy’s place for a week sounded like fun, did she ask you first? No. So whatever you choose to do, you don’t have to ask her, and she has to get used to that. I am not saying you should have a ‘revenge’ affair, nor that you should threaten to have one. However, even if you do not know exactly what you want to do, you can say that in future you are going to do what you feel is right for YOU, not what she wants you to do.
Rather than telling you what you can and cannot do, you wife should do more listening, and be asking you what YOU want and need to continue the relationship after she dealt it such a devastating blow.
Defining your boundaries and asserting your independence is not being unreasonable, and it will make you feel better. You even said that you dreaded going home because she would be there, so it sounds like you are not comfortable with the way she is driving things, or the speed of it. Yankees, you can tell her that. Tell her to slow down. Tell her that you don’t know what you want. Tell her to stop talking and start listening. She ignored you when she vanished for her week with the OM, and she is still ignoring you now. That is what has to change if your relationship is to continue; she has to start listening to you, not pushing everything along in the way she wants. She has to stop and give you time to get yourself back together and reassess what you want and need. That doesn’t happen overnight, and she has to accept that and give you space. I am sure she wants to glue the pieces of the broken relationship back together as quickly as possible, but if you aren’t ready for that, and you aren’t comfortable with that, you need to tell her. And if that causes her any anxiety, that’s tough. She created this mess, so she has to give you the time and space you need to heal. Do not let yourself be rushed along just because that may suit her.
Your reaction to her ban on you sleeping with other women (thinking that maybe you want to) may be straightforward resentment of her telling you what to do after her own infidelity, rather than any real desire on your part to start tom-catting around. However, it highlights why it is important for you to let her know that she cannot tell you what to do. There is nothing aggressive or unreasonable about saying, “I am a human being, and I will make my own decisions, based on how I feel.” If she spent more time on self-control, rather than trying to control you, none of this mess would have happened in the first place.
“No signs of her becoming less attracted to me we were intimate 3-4 times a week. Maybe emotionally.”
I don’t think it was anything to do with you. Like so many affairs, this one was probably more a case of ‘cake-eating’ than any disenchantment with you. Your wife had you in her life, then she decided she could have you and another man in her life. That’s a win-win for her. And she decided it was fine to spend a whole week with him. Then she decided she was coming back to you. The she decided she would tell you what you are and aren’t allowed to do. It’s all about her insecurity about her appearance – hence revelling in another man’s attention – and her controlling attitude towards you. It’s fine for her to sleep around, but not you.
“She said she wants to make threesomes happen because she can't live with knowing she stepped out on the marriage and left me so she wants me to enjoy another woman. I don't know what I even want.”
And here we go again; she’s doing what she wants to do, not asking you what you want, listening, and acting accordingly. Her enthusiasm for threesomes is for her, not for you. If she cared about your feelings one iota she would not have been at another man’s house for a week. Rather than giving you space and letting you figure out what you need, she is rushing you into a stupid scenario that she wants (plenty of women are keen on threesomes involving another woman), and lying about it by saying it is being done for you. You haven’t even said that you want it, but she is going to force the issue? Tell her to slow down! Threesomes may float her boat, but if you don’t feel right about it, tell her no. She wants a threesome, and she’s dressing it up as some kind of conciliatory gesture to you. It’s another win-win for her, isn’t it? She seems rather good at organising those for herself, doesn’t she? She’s not so good at listening to you and considering your feelings.
And then there’s the issue of her being in control, yet again. She decided she was going to cheat, so that was fine. She decided she was going to come back, and that your relationship is going to continue, regardless of what you felt. So that was fine. She told you that you cannot sleep with another woman, because that doesn’t suit her. So that was fine. And now she tells you that she is going to make a threesome happen, whether or not you want it to. There’s a pattern emerging here, isn’t there? Right down the line, it’s her doing what she wants.
Here’s a thing to consider about this threesome thing: who gets to pick the other woman, her or you? I’m willing to bet it will be her, and it will probably be someone she has had her eye on for a while. If you want to test your wife, why don’t you suggest that the other woman should be the female friend you have grown close to, and who your wife accused you of having the affair with? See what your wife says about that! Would she let that happen, even if you said it was your greatest desire in all the world? I rather doubt it! If this threesome that she is so keen to engineer goes ahead, she will control every last detail of it, and you will then be told to let her off the hook for her cheating because you have been with another woman. This will be regardless of the fact that she has forced you to couple with a woman of her choosing, on her terms, at a time and place she has specified, and more than likely in a position that she has specified, and for a length of time that she is comfortable with. And remember, you cannot see this other woman outside of these carefully controlled circumstances; your wife has already told you that.
Yankees: Just. Say. No.
You are not her plaything, nor a puppet to be pushed into artificially contrived situations that she is creating for her own enjoyment or conscience salving. She has a lot more work to do to mend the damage she did to the relationship, if it can be mended at all, and you need to tell her that some tawdry little threesome doesn’t work for you. In fact, if you tell her you don’t want it, and she keeps pushing for it, you will know that she has learnt nothing at all, because the major way she has to change is to stop doing what she wants and to start listening to you. Pushing you into bed with someone you have no interest in sleeping with just so she can feel better about herself is all about her ‘healing’, not yours. She did a lousy thing, and if she has to live with some guilt because of it, that is the price she has to pay for her fun.
I repeat: Just. Say. No.
You told her that in the new phase of your relationship, you had to have more say, and she agreed to that. You can now test whether she actually meant it. Tell her you are not ready for the threesome, and that even if it occurs, it will not make any difference at all to how you feel about her cheating. Tell her that she has to slow down and let you set the pace of recovery. And most importantly, tell her that she has to start listening to you, not telling you what is best for you (when she is clearly just doing things for herself).
See how she reacts, and learn from it.
