SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello WWs,

Things are going very well on the R front for me and my BH.

We have been spending time together talking, working on projects, and loving each other.

My IC has been so helpful to me and BH. I so recommend IC, I found out so much that I was repressing and letting it out and forgiving is the best thing I have ever done for myself and my H

I am still a WIP but improving everyday. But I will not hold feeling in again from him.

I must say that I love H more and better. I also love that my H and I are working on building a better, honest and stronger marriage.

I am so hopeful and so thankful to have such loving wonderful H. Also that I am address my issues and that he also is addressing his issues.

Wanted to share positive and hopeful thoughts.

Honest and open is the only way to be.

Good Luck and God Bless us all!

LostinIKEA, no one in my family even knows how to talk to me about the affair, let alone discuss it with my husband. "Everything's okay" is our family motto My mother did reach out to both of us a time or two with cards, but that's been a while. On the flip side, his mother and I have had some pretty decent, honest conversation. I like her a whole lot more than my family. She's real.

Lost in ikea,

Only one SIL knows. No parents know. We decided it wouldnt really help and I think that was a good decision. We are not really close to any of them. However, in response to what you are saying, I think it is great if your family wants to show him support and like with anything, I think it needs to be genuine from them or else he might find it manipulative or fake. I think what YOU do and don't do is going to help him more than anything, your actions. And time. It is good to have people who can help you recharge.

Keep in mind that it seems most friends and family get affair fatigue and really don't want to deal with it after awhile. Hang in there.

Lost in ikea,

Only one SIL knows. No parents know. We decided it wouldnt really help and I think that was a good decision. We are not really close to any of them. However, in response to what you are saying, I think it is great if your family wants to show him support and like with anything, I think it needs to be genuine from them or else he might find it manipulative or fake. I think what YOU do and don't do is going to help him more than anything, your actions. And time. It is good to have people who can help you recharge.

Keep in mind that it seems most friends and family get affair fatigue and really don't want to deal with it after awhile. Hang in there.

Good morning ladies. The first day of school here. My two are starting middle school this year. They've grown up so fast. One of my old APs has two girls that attend the same school. They know about the A and who me and my girls are. I'm so scared what might happen.

Feeling so anxious and sad this morning. I got kicked out of the house on dday and for the last three and a half months, I'm welcome at home some days and get sent to the other house some days. I can't get comfortable at either house. I was at home over the weekend, but staying all week feels like I'm asking for it.

hey Done, I was just wondering how your girls were. I hope for their sake they wont be picked on or whatever. Sometimes the consequences are never ending and reach farther than we ever wish them to. But we were dumb enough to ignore what might happen. If I were you, if you haven't already just prepare what you would say to them should they come to you about it. Do they know whats up? Maybe you can be proactive about it. Give them a line or two for a response should they need it.

As far as being home, I wish you peace. try not to think about the doom, it could be a good time to practice communication with your BH. Even if it's one sided or its not what you would hope for.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 4:39 AM, August 24th (Wednesday)]

Done,

I agree that it might be good to do something to prepare your girls. I would start with what does your BH think about this situation and how would he want to address it. Your opinion matters to but forging ahead without his input is not a good idea.

When was your d day?

Thank you to the responses about family. It's frustrating b/c my family has never really reached out to my BH, even before DDay, and I never called them on it-they don't see him as a family member. They see him as my husband. And it never occurred to me to talk with them about it before all of this.

"Affair fatigue" is a good word for it b/c I do think that my family thinks he will "get over it" b/c they don't really get the magnitude of it all, even though they know what I did (I stayed with my parents for a few days and I told them b/c my BH exposed my affair to them). I know that in their minds, they think that staying out of it is the best thing to do, but the fault of that mindset ultimately falls on me because I never explained to them that I am now becoming the person that I have always wanted/deserved to be at my BH's expense. I owe my new honest life, where I am proud of who I am becoming, to him and the trauma he is going through.

Is it too late and weird for me to bring this up to them now, 8 months into this hell that I have caused? I am their daughter, princess, sister, and sweet girl. Are they ever going to get it?

Interesting thread. I haven't read all 15 pages but from the few I perused I have some comments.

Telling family about the A situation:

When I was the BW (dday1) my WH asked that we not tell anyone. Eventually he realized I need some support so I told some close friends and my sister. But basically it was not discussed except that he had strayed and we were working on it ( I pretended I had it all under control).

After dday2 and I threatened to leave I told everyone and anyone who'd listen. I got a bit more support (for still wanting to try R) from family but not much. The big reason I could tell more people (especially his family) was bc his mother had passed away a couple of months before dday2 and my mother had been gone since shortly after dday1. I would never had been able to eventually leave my WH (although I did after a lot of other shit happened including my RA) as long as his mom was alive. It was a major factor. To her, he walked on water. She loved me, too, and I respected and cared for her (more now in retrospect), but I always hated the fact that, to her he could do no wrong. It would have killed her to know how he really was, so I guess I loved and respected her more than him or myself by keeping his secret from her.

My mother was dealing with too much of her own depression to handle knowing after dday1 but I remember an argument she and I had before dday1 that leads me to believe I should have seen that day coming 8 months earlier. She was telling me how stressed she was and I got mad and told her that I was more stressed bc of two infants, Katrina, and that H hadn't touched me in months. Later, on ddsy1 I figured out why. That's as much as my mom ever knew.

My dad was in the beginnings of dementia, and so when he was told about why I'd left H he just said "Oh" and never could discuss it. I wonder what he did think tho (if anything), bc I suspect my mother had cheated on him; hiwever, he was non-confrontational to the extreme, so I don't know what he ever thought.

So basically I got little to any support from family. Plus I lived far away from most of them. And later after telling them about my A (which I was very open about at the time) I think they must have all thought I'd gone over the deep end and never said a thing.

It's been an internal problem of mine. I have never felt super connected to my family. My sister is the only one I keep up with regularly. It makes me wonder if it's me or them. Is it bc I live 6-8 hours away? Is it bc I'm independent and stubborn about that? Is it bc I'm the baby of the family so I expect them to take care of me (my selfishness), and so I feel I don't have to(or shouldn't have to) be the initiator of communications? I've always felt invisible to them. If I do have something to call them to say it always feels dismissed in regards to what's been going on with them. I think that's a huge character flaw of mine (this stubborn selfishness) that I know I need to work on in all my relationships. Hmmm? Yet another topic to bring up to IC.

And I haven't even begun to talk about the slut-shamming/whore identity issues of being the WS that started this thread...wow, I have a deep battle with that!!! That mind fuck feeling turned even worse for me. After my A and Separation, I wanted to be called a slut or a whore during sex!

That's some crazy shit. I couldn't get off (and still occasionally have that internal dialogue with myself during sex) without being verbally shamed. Anyone else go thru this? Maybe I should ask in WS forum?

Happy Friday ladies (we can have happy Fridays too )

Anyway, didn't want our thread to get lost, good stuff to be had here Be happy indeed!

A situation I found myself in and I was wondering what your thoughts/opinions if any would be. How you would handle something like this.

we were sitting at the table having dinner, and I don't really know how the topic of bearded ladies came up then my DS said that a girl at school has a mustache. I started to explain to him that body hair on girls/women is a very natural thing and that it would be very wrong for anyone to tease her about it. I said we can't help these things. My H chimed in "yes you can help it, you can shave that crap"

I was trying to make this a learning experience for my DS. But I have to say that instantly struck a chord within me. I understand some men find body hair "whatever" women too, I like my legs shaven, but why should my son grow up thinking it is wrong somehow?

I go on to say, in the grand scheme of things it hasn't been that long that women even had the means to rid 'unwanted' body hair. And that we shouldn't have to feel compelled to shave our pits, legs, what have you. And jokingly said maybe I will stop shaving. H said "you'll find yourself single if you do"

You know it's one thing if he said this in private, but in front of my child..again another chord struck. At this point I just wanted to end the conversation. Whether he was trying to be funny or whatever, completely inappropriate in front our child.

As I was shutting it down, making one last point to my DS, H says "I think you're a closet fem" goes on to ask if I supported certain people. I was just taken aback. I couldn't believe it. I really didn't have anything to say and left the dinner table.

It truly hurt my feelings as well as the fact I was royally pissed my son had to witness this. I mentioned it the next day, when we were alone, and it was brushed off! "well the way you were going on last night, made me wonder" they say pick your battles and this is just not what I want to focus on at the moment. but why? why do I have to come off as some radical feminist talking about one of the most natural and basic things that apply to females of all ages?? just baffled.

Dear forever - sure wondering how others will respond because that kind of attitude is unacceptable to me. In who's world is that ok?!? Why doesn't he think he can talk like that to a kid -- and my intensity obviously comes from dealing with the same kind of crap. I learned this morning my BH told my son - in private away from me -- that his head is messed up like moms cause he spends time w me and I raised him. DS10 is amazing! I cried and turned to rage at the same time. I only found out cause DS and I were playing and I said somethungb about him having a family one day. He said he wouldn't cUse his heads messed up and it progressed from there. I am sobbing as I write for my son because you know what? My A did not create that.

Are you gonna tolerate these comments - what recourse do you have? Maybe otherwise you're doing well and I've stirred a pot erroneously. If so - I sincerely apologize. I find that kind of controlling behavior enraging.

gonnabegr8 I am sad to know your BH said these things to your child. Obviously not okay. I am sure my reaction to something like that would be the same. I do hope and I would like to believe my H would never speak ill of me to my son in private and so maliciously. Do they not understand how impressionable our kids are? My guess is no. apparently. or that they just don't care. I mean really that comment "you'll find yourself single" What if my H's daughter was that little girl struggling with body hair? would he just tell her "shave that crap"?

I almost posted this in Off Topic for reasons that include a mans opinion. But jeez, he would see this as me rallying with women and he thinks a waywards opinion is bull.

Still a concern here with this post is just to make sure I am not crazy for thinking this unacceptable. I think he would take it as "it's not that big of a deal" attitude.

I've stirred a pot erroneously. If so - I sincerely apologize.

Not at all, and as far as your questions...idk. Another concern is that hopefully my message stuck for my DS, he is very compassionate and open minded. Maybe I should have had another conversation with him but at this point it's best to let it go, I will have other opportunities.

My IC tells me my BH is totally out of line - even if speaking from pain. The MC seems to think (or at least act like) BH can do whatever he wants because of my betrayal. Maybe there is some truth to that - I mean sure I royally f'd up. I get it but I feel like the addict/alcoholic who keeps getting bashed w a baseball bat for drinking water. I know I wasn't "drinking water" before that and that's where his Intensity is coming from. Nothing I can figure out to do mitigates the anger. When is enough enough? My gosh. Sooner than later w this level of collateral damage. On top of what I did - my poor son.

The other night BH was being unkind to DS and he said something like I don't care how you feel right now (topic was related to holiday plans) I said I care how he feels - in front of DS and BH goes well you sure didn't care for four years while carrying on. Yep - and that's life as I know it. I said I do care about my kids feelings always.

To your spouse I'd say geez - ssorry I have hair

gonna & forever,

I'm sorry both of you are struggling with how to protect your children from the cruelness of this world and even worse, in those that they love. As a mother wouldn't we do anything to keep them safe and only under good influences. But we have our own flaws which I think keeps us from speaking up when we're confronted with situations like these. We hold our tongue to keep the peace. Is that the right thing to do? So hard to know and any decision yields potential regrets. I read this in a book recently, a mother was talking about her relationship with her grown son. Thought you both might like to see it

If I had told him the truth long ago, or had danced and drunk and sung more, maybe he would have seen me instead of a dependable, ordinary mother. He loves a version of me that is incomplete. I always thought it was what I wanted: to be loved and admired. Now I think perhaps I’d like to be known.

[This message edited by familyfirst at 5:01 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday)]

Thank you family first - I'd literally go postal on anyone who does to my kid what I've seen his dad do... My son told me yesterday his dad must be right because I don't defend myself in front of him - and I don't defend to keep the peace to protect DS10 when it comes up and we are in front of him.

I told DS10 that and warned him it won't be happening anymore. I will be defending - mom did do wrong but I'm not anymore and I am working with someone weekly (IC) helping me figure it out and she is.

This cruelty against me and my son -- with no voice for me and/or criticism when there was a voice -- was an absolute factor in my A of that I am sure.

And I'm strong enough to do now what I wasn't strong enough to do five years ago.

This is a nice group -- was beginning to think SI wasn't gonna be helpful for me unless I want to get constantly bashed and celebrate for karma if/when bad things happen to me like other WWs.

gonnabegr8

I avoided every forum but this one for a long time. I still am very careful when/how I post in the R forum. Think how you might respond to a drunk driver if you had lost your leg in a drunk driving accident.

It took me a long time to "get" some of the 2x4's I was being hit with here in the wayward forum. It is hard to not get defensive. It was actually much easier to see them dealt out to someone else and then have an "ah-ha" moment where I could see how they applied to me. I did a lot of reading and very little posting for the first few months.

foreverlabeled - IMO, your husband sounds like a sexist, possibly homophobic asshole.