SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wife,

I understand.

It’s unpleasant to accept but it is something that we need to if we want to get back our agency.

You can’t force a partner to love you as you deserve.

They can only meet you where you are or not.

No matter what you try or think might change, it won’t. Not because you are not worthy, not at all. You are already freely giving yourself with openness. You deserve to be reciprocated in kind, already you are worthy.

Like he can’t change your feelings neither when you were fine or when he hurt you, you can’t change his if he is withholding.

Only you have agency over yourself. Same goes for him. And everyone who lives.

Something broke in this guy, and it doesn’t even mean that he fell out of love, what broke is deeper and only he can fix it, but he doesn’t or is too scared to do it.

And he’ll keep you waiting forever because you are on the fence, he is in his comfort zone.

Understand that I don’t want to neither cuddle you or break your heart, I just want you to listen what you already feel and decide if you want to sit with this feelings indefinitely, surrendering your agency and emotional clarity to him, who is passive and unresponsive, or to take your agency back.

I know both options suck, both are painful and difficult.

But you are in a place of pain right now, how much you can take it or how long it is a question only you can answer.

He is unresponsive but reactive as I understand. I don’t want to say more just yet, but reclaiming your agency could give you clarity.

I feel sorry you’re going through this, will check in and be sure, there is no judgment from my side.

I hear you

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 10:19 AM, Tuesday, April 21st]

Like, I can’t give up hope no matter the external signs because there might be the smallest chance that the failure is my fault, that I could have tried one more thing.

I've been trying to unravel this comment for hours. There's something about it that just seems wrong to me. When parsed, it seems like you're trying to say: I hope the failure is not mine.

If that's the case, then I think you're being way too hard on yourself. Two affairs, false reconciliation, a clear lack of effort on his part, years of banging your head against an impenetrable wall... and you hope it's not your fault?

I don't know if gas-lighting one's self is possible, but you may very well be testing the possibility.

This is not your fault, dear lady. This is not your failure.

Just a thought for OP re: your concern about feeling you must try one more thing. Could that be a response to earlier experience in your family where you were raised to believe you must somehow "be better" than you were with them, in order to gain their approval? Or maybe this was coming from your church group? This kind of thinking is really widespread and the bad part is how it sets us up for the kind of over-functioning we get ourselves into in a marriage somebody else destroyed. Because we don't want to hear the message again that somehow we disappointed our family or our community, on top of the heartbreak of the failing marriage.

Chew on that for a little while and see if that is at the root of the concern when you get that feeling. Because everyone who is saying to you you are worth more than having a dismissive, detached WH are CORRECT. No matter how much your family or social circle "approved" of him.

I had the experience of my whole family, church and neighbors, even my employer embracing my SAWH with open arms, almost like he'd made a decent woman out of me at age 46, when we married! Only to have my supposedly happy married life blow up just a few short years later with the discovery of his hidden sex addiction and porn/prostitute habit! Guess how almost ALL of them reacted? Nobody except my one sister who had ALSO married a sex addict thought I should walk, I'll just say that...

I have been reading your topic here, and all of the responses. But what keeps standing out to me is your comment about…

"If I can’t be the perfect partner, then how can I expect that of him" or something like that.

The thought that has come to me is that to go along your way without him does not require you to have been perfect or to have done everything in the world that you can do. Separating ways does not have to indicate fault, or require unlimited work or second chances.

Evidently, you have the strength and generosity to work on healing after his infidelities. It seems that has not facilitated the change that you need.

What should determine whether or not we stay should be … "Whether or not I have been understanding enough, and whether or not he has been completely repentant and willing to work on the relationship…ultimately, if I am unhappy…and I don’t see any possibility/probability of real change …or at least not the change that I really need - I need to move on.

That doesn’t necessarily mean we are selfish…just that we feel that we have done all we can.

In other words, we don’t have to EARN the opportunity to move forward to another possibility. Sometimes we have just all done as much as we can do and sadly it doesn’t seem to work out or be enough.

The text that was suggested seems very sensible and fair. But that’s just me. I hope you find your way.

AND YOUR HAPPINESS.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 1:22 AM, Wednesday, April 22nd]

I have been reading your topic here, and all of the responses. But what keeps standing out to me is your comment about…

"If I can’t be the perfect partner, then how can I expect that of him" or something like that.

The thought that has come to me is that to go along your way without him does not require you to have been perfect or to have done everything in the world that you can do. Separating ways does not have to indicate fault, or require unlimited work or second chances.

Evidently, you have the strength and generosity to work on healing after his infidelities. It seems that has not facilitated the change that you need.

What should determine whether or not we stay should be … "Whether or not I have been understanding enough, and whether or not he has been completely repentant and willing to work on the relationship…ultimately, if I am unhappy…and I don’t see any possibility/probability of real change …or at least not the change that I really need - I need to move on.

That doesn’t necessarily mean we are selfish…just that we feel that we have done all we can.

In other words, we don’t have to EARN the opportunity to move forward to another possibility. Sometimes we have just all done as much as we can do and sadly it doesn’t seem to work out or be enough.

The text that was suggested seems very sensible and fair. But that’s just me. I hope you find your way.

AND YOUR HAPPINESS.