SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Apologies if this is thread jacking…

Please don’t take this the wrong way (though I realize this may read as harsh), but while it’s clear you’re attempting to help, this feels like unsolicited advice. The1stWife hasn't requested a critique of her relationship and seems quite satisfied with her stance.

That’s fair. It just seems to me that she hardly ever has anything positive to say about her H or their marriage, while also having "happily reconciled" in their signature line. It pains me to think that someone might actually be really unhappy in their marriage but isn’t willing to admit it, while also advising others who are in a very fragile, impressionable state and choosing between D and R. If I was a BW reading her words and thought that I have to be this person who fights for power and respect in the relationship constantly, and can’t ever lose an argument if I want those things, I’d D and never marry again, because that sounds exhausting and totally not worth it. But that isn’t the way a marriage is supposed to be, and I was aiming to be the counter voice.

There is also a bit of a "glass houses" element here. You’ve described how you and your partner argue, and it could be interpreted that your husband has historically "backed down" (as The1stWife might put it) too much…

Yes, he has. And I am encouraging him to stand up for himself more, because I don’t want that dynamic in my own marriage. I want to be with someone who respects himself and is my equal, not someone who allows himself to be abused or taken advantage of, or ordered around. And after my infidelity, it’s clear to me that I need someone with strong boundaries to help prevent me from doing that to him. That’s why we’re working on it together. I am open to constructive criticism, btw— the house is not glass, and my intention is not to throw stones.

…Exit affairs will be unaffected but if everyone who ever considered cheating knew for a fact they would get divorced and lose half their assets upon discovery, I'm certain we'd see a solid reduction in infidelity.

I don’t disagree at all, though I would add that there would still be a percentage of the unfaithful population who believes they won’t get caught, as I tried, unsuccessfully, to convince myself.

After all, you wrote that you'd bet even if you were caught, you didn’t think your husband would have divorced you. I can say with absolute clarity that my current (non-wayward) partner would not be under that same illusion.

I’m glad for you. I think I have finally pushed my H to have that boundary in place for himself, and though I deeply regret the means, I feel glad for him, too. Certainly if I ever did something this horrible to him again and he didn’t leave me, I would see myself out of the marriage, because it would be obvious to me that I have no control over myself, and I can’t allow myself to keep hurting him like that. If he won’t maintain his boundary, I will do it for him, because I love him and he deserves better.

who still misses contact with their AP

I don’t actually miss that. I was feeling suicidal and just wishing for someone, anyone, I could talk to about it who would understand and wouldn’t have me committed. xAP is blocked and he will remain that way without any regret.

Many Waywards see an inch and take a mile; it isn't until they encounter a firm boundary that they understand they won't get away with their behavior. This is how I interpret The1stWife’s actions and would recommend the same to your partner.

I understand why a BS might impose limits on the movements of a WS who has recently shown she or he cannot be trusted, and I think that’s fair while they rebuild that trust. But 1st Wife is 12 years out and still telling him where and when he can or cannot go places, like a parent. Assuming he hasn’t cheated again any time recently, she’s still treating him like a wayward, instead of a reformed wayward. Has the trust actually been regained? And again, who would be happy in a marriage where you have to police your spouse for the rest of your lives together? Helping them to change when they respect you and want to change is one thing. Having to put policies in place and always be in control so that they can’t disrespect you out of fear of being left is another.

I don’t actually miss that. I was feeling suicidal and just wishing for someone, anyone, I could talk to about it who would understand and wouldn’t have me committed. xAP is blocked and he will remain that way without any regret.

Just remember that even anonymous here there is many 'someone, anyone' who know what you are going through deeply and are open to talk with you about.

@GotTheMorbs

I want to start by ensuring this doesn’t come across as nasty or mean-spirited. If it does, I apologize, and please feel free to tell me to watch my tone.

I think much of your response is fair, so I’ll focus specifically on these two sections:

That’s fair. It just seems to me that she hardly ever has anything positive to say about her H or their marriage, while also having "happily reconciled" in their signature line. It pains me to think that someone might actually be really unhappy in their marriage but isn’t willing to admit it, while also advising others who are in a very fragile, impressionable state and choosing between D and R. If I was a BW reading her words and thought that I have to be this person who fights for power and respect in the relationship constantly, and can’t ever lose an argument if I want those things, I’d D and never marry again, because that sounds exhausting and totally not worth it. But that isn’t the way a marriage is supposed to be, and I was aiming to be the counter voice.

You are entirely entitled to that interpretation. However, it is possible for someone to claim they are "happily reconciled" while still having significant gripes about behavior they feel they must keep in check; both can be true simultaneously. If a new Betrayed Spouse (BS) reads about her experiences and decides they would rather divorce, that is a valid choice based on the reality she is presenting.

I understand why a BS might impose limits on the movements of a WS who has recently shown she or he cannot be trusted, and I think that’s fair while they rebuild that trust. But 1st Wife is 12 years out and still telling him where and when he can or cannot go places, like a parent. Assuming he hasn’t cheated again any time recently, she’s still treating him like a wayward, instead of a reformed wayward. Has the trust actually been regained? And again, who would be happy in a marriage where you have to police your spouse for the rest of your lives together? Helping them to change when they respect you and want to change is one thing. Having to put policies in place and always be in control so that they can’t disrespect you out of fear of being left is another.

I think your point here is largely fair, but it depends on whether one believes in the concept of a "reformed" or "former" wayward. Personally, I’m not sure I do. I see it as a permanent change in the relationship's fabric. Similar to how a person in recovery is often viewed as a "recovering alcoholic" rather than a "former alcoholic," I believe the history of infidelity remains a factor.

Furthermore, while regaining trust is a significant benefit to a relationship, it isn't strictly a requirement for staying together. Many reconciling couples will openly admit they have never fully regained total trust. Ultimately, if she is satisfied with her current situation, that is what matters for her marriage.

I’ll add an addendum: I personally could never reconcile for this exact reason. I would be too untrusting and disgusted to make a relationship with a cheater work. That is largely irrelevant to her journey, though, as many people do find a way to make it function. The1stWife being one of them.

Feels awkward talking about this any further when she has commented, so that's the last I'll say on the matter. Ultimately, it's just my perspective.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 2:13 PM, Thursday, January 15th]

It just seems to me that she hardly ever has anything positive to say about her H or their marriage, while also having "happily reconciled" in their signature line. It pains me to think that someone might actually be really unhappy in their marriage but isn’t willing to admit it, while also advising others who are in a very fragile, impressionable state and choosing between D and R. If I was a BW reading her words and thought that I have to be this person who fights for power and respect in the relationship constantly, and can’t ever lose an argument if I want those things, I’d D and never marry again, because that sounds exhausting and totally not worth it. But that isn’t the way a marriage is supposed to be, and I was aiming to be the counter voice.

Way off base. We are happily married and happily reconciled. A point in time does not define 40+ years together. So while there’re times my H was inconsiderate and I had to be firm, please don’t take that as I am like that all the time or I am controlling.

I do trust him. He trusts me. We have mutual respect and truly love each other. But at the point in time he’s kicking me to the curb and is a lying cheating jerk, things had to change. I had to change and stop being a doormat or R was off the table.

If my H is not happy, he is certainly free to leave. As am I.

PS. I am not fearful of him leaving me. He’s now afraid I will leave him lol. As I previously stated I’m good with him or without him. Living my best life. So is he.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:29 PM, Thursday, January 15th]