SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Unhinged,

It is you again. 😊 I make my head spin as well.

...your very first post here was about all of the asterisks in your life. Are you done with the asterisks?

That is a wonderful and spot on question to ask me. I hadn’t put my name here in context to this post. That was a big miss on my part, and I appreciate you bringing it to my attention. I can say with full confidence that the asterisks I have been living with, for the 1st time in 32 years, have an offramp and I plan on visiting each one of them and attempt to swerve them onto that exit.

Asterisk

5Decades,

It is so very nice to hear from you again. As with other comments you have shared with me, your professional expertise has helped and supported me in my journey.

If you look at a simple example, you will see that we do recognize this fact in our daily lives. Take the example of a five year old child who stole cookies from a cookie jar. When confronted, the adult is aware that we don’t say, "You are a bad person!" Instead, we say, "That was not a good thing to do." The simple change in language focuses on the behavior of the child, not his character. That change is an important distinction.

And that drives home what I am beginning to understand about using, what I see, as the proper words and phrasing for a given situation. And how important it is not to make permanent something or someone that has the desire to change.

Asterisk

Neverwithoutmychildren,

I have to say that at first I avoided this thread because I feared the title was provoking but I am so glad I read it and the title was simply exactly what it is lol.

I had to go back and reread my title with what I understand as your original perspective of this being a "provoking" post. Though that was not my intention, I can now see how that might have been interpreted that way. Made me sad.

Thank you for giving my words a try, and it makes my momentary sadness diminish knowing that you are glad that you read my post. I hope it brought some comfort.

Asterisk

Want2BHappyAgain,

You are not stuck in your worst moment. You are one act of faith away from a rewritten story.

Though I do not come to this issue from a faith perspective I still like and agree with your conclusion. I would like to add to it - that one’s actions also helps a person rewrite their life’s story. Not everyone will like or accept this new story and that is their right. But that non acceptance does not void the renewal. Thanks for sharing your scripture perspective.

Asterisk

Buckles,

The words describe action, and the action is abhorrent. When trust is violated, when that violation is thoughtless, and cruel, then it redefines the person that committed that violation.

There is not one word above that I can find fault in. All your descriptors are true. And if the wayward spouse refuses to redefine themselves or the betrayed spouse refuses to allow for a redefinition of their spouse then divorce is the wise and most kind option because it allows the best course of action so that everyone involved may best heal.

Asterisk

A little over a year ago, when I was early into IC, my therapist asked me if I viewed myself as a betrayed spouse. I said yes back then, but after another year of therapy, along with some pretty heavy healing, I now view myself as a former recipient of infidelity, but I no longer allow that to define who I am.

I had Chicken Pox once, but I got through it, healed from it, and moved on.
I was cheated on once, but I got through it, healed from it, and am nearly fully past it. Still plenty of 2 am wake ups remembering, but they lessen every day. The future looks way brighter now.

CopingMyBest,

I was cheated on once, but I got through it, healed from it, and am nearly fully past it. Still plenty of 2 am wake ups remembering, but they lessen every day. The future looks way brighter now.

This was wonderful to read. Well done, well said. It sounds to me as like the "2am wake ups" are not not going to be long-haul companions. And you accomplished this in 1 year! That is amazing!!!

Asterisk

Hi Asterisk, earlier in my life, I was drawn to successful people. I wanted friends who were accomplished in one way or another. Over the last few years, post infidelity, i find myself interested in being friends with, being close to, people who have dealt with serious shit in their lives. I want very much to see how they made their way out of it. I had a new colleague who was somewhat weird and then I learned she had a young child to a prolonged battle with cancer 20 years earlier and many/most of her life choices and weird behavior were reflected in that. Another friend had a child who had multiple strokes over 10 years and became increasingly disabled and died. Another friend deals with depression, but there is an undeniable fight in her. Another friend has felt firsthand and ongoing the effects of racism. And on and on.

I’m a wayward. I want to hear from people who are wayward and betrayed, because I want to know their stories. I find it endlessly fascinating because that’s the ballpark I lived in. I’m less naturally inclined toward drug addiction, alcoholism, weight problems, financial problems, etc because that’s not where I went. So if someone tells me they are wayward or betrayed, I’m all ears.

That’s what the labels wayward and betrayed mean to me. What is it that you object to? The implied judgement? I sidestep judgement people, they are doing their thing and it doesn’t need to concern me. The narrowness of the label? All labels are narrow. Tell me you are an atheist, or a Christian or an agnostic, an American or a Russian or a Mexican, and I know only a starting point for conversation. And the starting point might be wrong. Is there something different that bothers you about those words?