SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Nothing will change in your situation unless/until you are ok with divorce as an option. It doesn’t sound like you are there. The type of person your WW is, won’t lift a finger unless her future could be severely disrupted. None of this is ideal, but it’s what you have to work with.

If nothing you do gets the intimacy that you need you should look outside your marriage for fulfillment. I’m talking about emotional intimacy as well as sexual intimacy. If your wife cannot or will not provide it there’s nothing you can do except for yourself and not for the marriage. We cannot change another human being. She might do some surface changes, but it sounds like she is in entrenched in the life that she’s had all these years.
If you want something different, you’ll have to find it somewhere else. My suggestion is to get as healthy as you can at 73 and then go for it. Do you like gardening, do you like hiking, do you want to join a book club? Do you like to ride bikes. How about chess. There are so many things that you can look around and find of interest. It’s just a matter of making yourself go look. You can choose to stay "married" or separate. In this case there is no right or wrong way. It’s what gives your life meaning, purpose and love.
Bigger is right. She does not appear to meet the definition of a ws. She appears to be a closed off personality. I am going out on a very shakey limb here. Could she be on the spectrum? They sometimes have difficulty with deep emotional connections. If you see no empathy or sympathy she might have some sociopathic leanings. Human beings are across the universe in emotions. Some need constant nurturing which feels smothering to others. I see a 73 year old man who needs nurturing and isn’t getting it. It’s up to you how you go about it.

He is on his fourth marriage. He married his first wife about the time my wife and I got back together. It lasted about 5 years. His second lasted less than a year his third lasted maybe 15 years. He has been married to his current wife about 10 years.

I have not spoken to him about all this. I have thought about it but have held out hope that my wife and I could get past this without involving anyone else. Interestingly he stopped communicating with the family about 2 months ago. In my information vacuum I wondered if my wife told him I found their letters and he is laying low to see how I react. This is total speculation

I agree with OhitsYou’s comment about my wife not moving unless I do something to threaten her security. That is my struggle now and I am getting closer to a decision. The irony is that if she heals it will have to be without me.

When I first started looking into attachment styles I wondered if it was pathological. The answer is probably not. For her it is likely a learned behavior. Again without professional help we will never know. The things I do know are that her behavior towards me has gotten much worse over time but she is the perfect host and companion to friends and other family. When I found the letters her downturn became dramatic but again only with me. These types of things are what convinces me that she is hiding a secret that still matters. I have set a personal goal to bring this to some kind of conclusion after the holidays. I am about at the end of my rope

Inkhulk…frigid? That word is an insult. From a gynecologist.