Ultimatums are useless unless you are willing to see them through.
I think the drinking is a key element.
You say you stopped drinking yourself "with her" 23 months ago...
Yet she’s still drinking, and your sobriety isn’t really making any change there. Not suggesting you hit the bottle but rather accept that you can’t sober her up through you.
I have a lot of experience with alcoholics. Not so much personally, but through my work, through close family members and through an organization I (used to) volunteer with. There are a couple of things I believe about alcoholism:
There is no such thing as a "functioning" alcoholic. Alcohol impacts at varying stages, but even if she’s successful in her career despite a liquid-lunch then if she’s picking up the kids drunk, reorganizing deadlines because of a bender, not able to catch a flight because she’s too tanked-up... then she’s about as "functioning" as a driver driving completely correctly and straight but headed at a light-post about 100 yards ahead. It’s only a question of time.
It's like the statement that alcoholism always leads to death... Probably easy to find alcoholics that made it to ninety plus, but it’s also probably easier to find those that crashed their vehicles, slipped on ice, stumbled into traffic, fell out of a bathtub, wrecked their health... Again – the steel-bar 100 yards ahead!
For an alcoholic NOTHING takes precedence over the booze. They might prioritize – and it might sound like you or the family is somewhere in that list – but at the end there will be the next fix. Like – I will buy the groceries on my way home, get the kids, make the dinner.... and THEN I will have some booze.
This prioritizing of alcohol... that’s why I – as a cop – picked up more than one parent driving from the daycare with their kids in the vehicle, way over the limit and reeking of booze.
I even think a WS and alcoholics will hang on to the marital problems as an excuse or reason to NOT deal with the alcoholism. She’s fine with you focusing on marital issues if it takes your focus off the booze.
Another factor IMHO: I don’t think someone living with an altered mindset can fully commit to a definite long-term path like reconciliation and marriage. You want intimacy and sex? Make her the offer that if she is more attentive you won’t mention her drinking and ensure she get’s 2 bottles of her poison-of-choice per week. But would that make a good marriage?
I guess what I’m getting to is that MAYBE you should put emphasis on getting her to accept she’s an alcoholic and needs to stop drinking completely. Like AA, sponsor, 12 step... and accountability.
This could create the conditions where she can finally decide if she wants this marriage or not.
Finally: If you don’t accept that this might end in a divorce of YOUR decision... then how can this end?
Well... IMHO three possibilities:
You continue in a sexless marriage. No intimacy, no show of affection. Let’s even assume no infidelity. You two simply abstain and remain celibate. Plenty of people do this, and last time I checked there is no medical risk in not having sex with another person.
If that doesn’t sound good... Well... Same as above, only she has her lovers and you pretend not to notice. You can find a "friend" – and you both ignore what’s going on. It’s not something I recommend, but it’s probably more common than we imagine. I remember the funeral of a former French president where his wife followed his casket, and 10 feet his mistress and love-child.
Then there is the most likely outcome: At some point one of you has enough... Then that person files no matter what.
Frankly – none of the three is something that would appeal to me. I think you are painting too black a picture on the effects of divorce. You are claiming that since she’s the prime breadwinner that will be bad for you. This is less common than all the statements we hear here that since the BS is the prime breadwinner THEY will lose a lot in marriage... I think you will be fine if this ends in D.
