SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She might also be experiencing Limerence for her "situationship" that is ending and she knows she's in the wrong, but can't help but mourn losing someone she cared about (I know, hearing this is like eating a shit sandwich). Except limerence isn't like infatuation, it's a chemical reaction more like addiction. She's in withdrawal at the same time as the realization of what she did to you is hitting her. You're both experiencing loss, and while you're the victim and she's the offender, it probably drives both of you crazy knowing that her head is working like this.

I'm glad she started therapy. She's going to need to discuss limerence and addiction so she can find a way back to stable. But you also know that you don't owe her an extension of grace. You can keep her on the sidelines as long as you want, it's up to her to repair this. You could also call the whole thing off. That's what your role is in this, to decide what outcome you want.

When my wife agreed to stop using Snapchat because I demanded it, I could literally see her going through the phases of grief. While I was suffering myself, I recognized what she was experience and I gave her a little bit of grace and understanding. It helped a lot. Eating shit sandwiches sucks, but you're going to be chewing on one for a while no matter what outcome you pursue.

Hi,

Firstly I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think it's important to note here, whilst reconciliation is totally a valid option for some, she is in no way entitled to this. If you feel the betrayal is too great, you are entitled to move on. Millions of people do and their lives improve for it. Millions of families co-parent well and the kids flourish.

I think an important question I would be considering here, that I can't see address is the 'why'? Why did she cheat?

The second thing I would consider is, outside of the infidelity, is the relationship great? Is it one event in an otherwise flawless marriage.

Personally, given my personality traits, reconciliation is never something that could sit well on my principles. This is a valid opinion to have and don't let others tell you otherwise. For me it's pretty simple, if someone is willing to inflict the level of pain and betrayal that comes with infidelity on you, someone more aligned to your morals has to be out there.

It's a simplistic stance to have and requires a lot of self believe and investment in your self worth. Do whatever is right for you and don't fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy nor the family unit argument.

"She is acting like the BS!"

The fact that she is trying to sell you a ticket is a huge red flag.

There is either more to the story than she has admit, she wants to have you STFU so she can have the best of both worlds or she wants you to rugsweep the whole thing so she doesn't feel bad. None of these is good.

You are under no obligation to buy a ticket to that show.

Focus on you and your healing.

I know you have had a lot of advice already and it’s important you take time to think things through about what you want. If you can take a break from the house a couple of nights somewhere. It also shows them that you are not accepting of their behaviour.

It sounds like your partner has not done a lot of reflection about why this is happened and what they intend to do to get help. I think this would be the only way you could find a way forward.

Know that you do have a choice and you don’t have to make any decisions straight away.

Christ it's fucking hard isn't it.
Think I am starting to go through different stages now and I am just so bloody angry at it all.

So reasons I have been given so far although she has said she didn't mean for them to be excuses...
Depression
Loneliness
Wanting attention and affection which I was not giving her
Wanting to try something new sexually
And finally to improve OUR sex life and give her ideas or something like that.

We have had some bizarre conversations about sex in particular which has never been an issue as fast I know but now seems to be everything to her.

Also saw a divorce lawyer and I am fucking livid at giving up half of everything - I will be at least £100k out of pocket. I knew about the house but all assets including stocks and shares - so bloody unfair.

I have asked her to leave the house with me and our daughter so I can have space - she won't.
The only option I can see is for me to leave for a while but again I don't think it's fair.

I don't think she has been punished at all. I know she is hurting mentally but from my side all I see is a nice house, a nice life and nothing changing for her. I think she thinks it's just an argument and will blow over. She keeps suggesting things for us to do as a family and she is starting to push me to make a decision saying things like ' I think this is what you wanted anyway and now you have an excuse to leave me'. I'm not good enough for you etc
Btw I wrote punished but I don't mean in a cruel sadistic way but I just don't see this as having had any impact to her yet. It's having cake and eating it.

I am also struggling with why shouldn't I just go out and have some fun. Mentally I want to sometimes just to feel something but I am so sad and depressed that I can think it with any reality but even then I know it's the wrong thing to do if I decide to make it work....

I know what some will say - none of this is fair. Obviously. And I have to somehow accept and get over that. But I don't know if I can.

I want some time on my own to figure out what I want, I just feel like I'm in limbo. It's only been 2 weeks mind.

Should I leave for a while? What about my daughter if I do 😔

Other than grief and fear of the unknown you have to deal with the fact that she got away with it. No one has put her in jail. She still lives a good life. She has a child who loves her. Everyone who has been harmed this way wants revenge but it will never cause the same pain a bs feels.

Whatever decisions you make you must accept that fact. So a good therapist who will allow you to vent and grieve could help you.

I would not advise leaving. But unfortunately, the only way to process this betrayal is to go through the sadness, anger and frustration. Don’t try to stuff them away. You need to process what has been lost. Your WW’s rationalizations for cheating are typical and bullshit. If your WW wanted to experience sex with different men, she had an easy path: get a divorce first and then pursue that life. Her stating that "this is what you wanted all along and I’m not good enough for you" is her way of avoiding responsibility for her actions. If she really wants to work to become a better partner for you, or someone else in the future, she needs to look at how she became so broken as to cheat on her BH. Stop wallowing in her own shame and demonstrate empathy for the pain she has inflicted on you. Take care of you and your DD.

I know what some will say - none of this is fair. Obviously. And I have to somehow accept and get over that. But I don't know if I can.

I think it's more accurate to think that you WILL get THROUGH this. Your choice is between healthy and unhealthy paths.

The healthy ways will include processing the anger, grief, fear, shame, whatever out of your body. The unhealthy paths will include holding onto the unfairness and the anger, grief, fear, shame, whatever other feelings you have - IOW, letting her betrayal poison your life.

My reco is to start with figuring out what you want. If you want the 100K, D asap, and use your money-making skills to start rebuilding your assets. If you want your M, figure out how to get from where you are to where you want to be - and figure out if your W is a good enough candidate for R to get there, too.

Depression, loneliness, Wanting attention and affection which I was not giving her, wanting to try something new sexually - of course she acts like a Victim. She's looking to others to validate herself. That doesn't work. The questions is: Will she change? If she will, you have a chance to R, if you want it - but you could decide you're done with her.

You've got the power to choose.

First I want to say, please take her reasons with a pinch of salt. Though she will have justifications, we must never forget people cheat because they think they are entitled to. Whilst some of her reason likely played into her reasoning 'And finally to improve OUR sex life and give her ideas or something like that' is just utter nonsense.

Don't leave. This would be a mistake. What I would advise is you have a calm conversation with her and explain that you need time to decide how you want to move forward. That you want to forgive her but you are not sure you can. That you think her leaving for a while might help. If she still refuses tell her - we need to stop talking. Live as room mates but leave each other alone until you've had time to think. To not come you unless it's regarding the child. Separate rooms etc.

I must admit, in response to 'I think this is what you wanted anyway and now you have an excuse to leave me' - I would respond: 'This is the last thing I wanted. I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life and now you've made that nearly impossible'. Firmly push the blame back where it belongs.

I'm sure she doesn't mean it but I think this is single handily one of the most painful, blame shifting response she could make. She's blew up your life, your view of her and to some degree your family - but it's your fault your considering leaving?

She needs a wake up call and fast.

Irrespective of the practicalities of divorce or whether you want to work through it generally, It's imperative you show her consequences to her actions. She is just hoping you rug sweep this all away, too many couple do this and it never works. You need to address the feelings or divorce. These are the two paths.

I personally think separation and seeing other people is the only way I could potentially reconcile with a partner. It's the only way you can have any semblance of rebalance the relationship. We all agree that their is no such thing as fair in life but it does rebalance the scales somewhat.

Further to this, it can clarify if continuing the relationship is truly what you want or if you are only desperately trying to make it work for fear of change. ~

What of her affair partner? Do you know of them? Are they still in the picture?

As a fellow UK-based member, have a pint and remember... this is all on her.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 10:11 AM, Monday, January 20th]

Can you live like this the rest of your life? That is what you need to decide. She might be cheating, she might be done with you. You have no control over her. It is what you can tolerate. That should be what you are asking yourself.

I agree with Cooley.

IDK ... I don't see how seeing other people will help a BS, unless the BS has decided to dump their WS. What's the point of seeing others? To find out if someone better than the WS is out there? To get external validation, which is likely to be the problems that led to their being betrayed? To get some sort of reaction from one's possible WS? Those reasons looks pretty wayward to me, and it looks like a way that's likely to put the BS deeper into shit than they already are.

I think the BS is much better off figuring out what they want, figuring out how attainable it is, and taking action. To survive and thrive, the BS has to validate themself, take control of their own life, and mindfully forge their own path.

I'm not a fan of anything that touches on being a Revenge A.

I've never understood focusing on 'consequences'. The earned consequence of cheating is losing a relationship, but many BSes want R.

I spent 2 years looking for consequences that would hurt/punish my W without adding to my own pain. I never found anything that beat requiring her to get honest with herself and me and everybody else. If she hadn't done that, I like to think I'd have gone from R to D.

BSes have to absorb immense emotional pain. IMO, the best way to avoid adding to one's own pain is for the BS to look inside, think, feel, and act in their own best interests. We can't predict much of the future, so the closest we can come to acting in our own best interests is to know what one thinks, feels, and wants and , taking all that into account, make mindful decisions and mindfully implement them.