SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have edited my original post by removing some of the details. It's unlikely but if my WW found this site she may have identified herself.

Just read back and realised I missed one of the questions as it did not have a question mark after it.

I do not currently have any useful information about the AP to enable me to contact his wife.

All I have is his name. My WW said she only ever saw him at the gym and deleted everything on her phone about him after I confronted him. I don't believe this but it's all I have to go on at the moment.

I have not had a written timeline but from messages read and from the questions my WW has answered I have built up a good picture of the whole affair. I don't know all the intimate details and I don't want to know but I am assuming the worst and I will have to live with that.

The timeline has more than one function. Having to write it out forces your WW to confront the depth of the damage she has wrought on you and your marriage. Some betrayed spouses have their waywards read it out to them to drive this home. You can decide the level of detail you’re comfortable with.

Also if you plan to do a polygraph you only get 3 to 5 questions. Asking if the timeline is complete and true takes care of a lot of questions.

I do not currently have any useful information about the AP to enable me to contact his wife.

All I have is his name. My WW said she only ever saw him at the gym and deleted everything on her phone about him after I confronted him. I don't believe this but it's all I have to go on at the moment.

I’m fairly confident in saying no one here believes this either. You should be clear with her that her lies and deception have rendered her words meaningless for a very long time to come and only honesty and actions that align with her words over time will begin to build back trust. Tell her you will be contacting his wife, if necessary you’ll use a PI paid for by her.

Tell her you will be contacting his wife

Don't do this. Don't give her time to warn OM. Otherwise,by the time you speak to his wife,she won't believe you,because she will have been told you're dangerous,abusive,and accusing all of your wife's male friends of having an affair with her.

His wife is easy to find. He surely has a profile on social media. Find him. From there, you will find his wife. Offer her a copy of any evidence you have.

You have to learn to trust yourself first.

But based on what you have described, you may not even be out of infidelity yet.

No way to make a decision on anything until your wife is done rationalizing and making excuses for her poor decisions. Not telling you all the info about the AP or his betrayed spouse? That’s bad news. She’s protecting him, not you.

The only way a marriage survives this Hell is if BOTH people go all in on recovery. Even then, it’s uphill.

Take care of you, avoid any quick decisions about staying until you are certain you have a safe partner.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 1:24 PM, July 5th (Monday)]

PLEASE find a way to contact the other betrayed spouse, even if you need to hire a PI to find and contact her. It is worth it.

Find her and make sure she knows who she is married to. Do not tell your wife until it is done. Her reaction to finding out that you have spoken to her will tell you a lot about the future of your marriage.

Please, do not let this woman live a lie. Tell her as soon as you are able.

PLEASE find a way to contact the other betrayed spouse, even if you need to hire a PI to find and contact her. It is worth it.

Find her and make sure she knows who she is married to. Do not tell your wife until it is done. Her reaction to finding out that you have spoken to her will tell you a lot about the future of your marriage.

Please, do not let this woman live a lie. Tell her as soon as you are able.

Sage advice.

You have to learn to trust yourself first.

This. The most important thing is to trust that you can and will be ok if she continues to fail you. Along these lines, you should know exactly what D entails for you. You should also take steps to make D easier. Separation of finances. Maintaining friendships and hobbies isolated from your WW. Etc. While this might seem counterproductive if you are set on pursuing R, removing some of the fear of D will make you more confident. You need to have this confidence to hold your WW's feet to the fire when needed. You have to be willing to lose the relationship in order to save it. Too often the BS bends themselves in pretzels trying to prevent a re-occurance. You can't fix her or your relationship. Only she can do that.
You are really looking at 5 years of consistent actions and hard work by your WW to get you anywhere close to trusting her again. The two questions you should really be asking are is you wife capable of this work? And is who she has shown you she is, not who you thought she was, worth the risk you will be taking on to allow her the gift of R. Bare minimum before you can make this decision will be a timeline and polygraph to determine whether or not this is her first A. You need that info.

A quick update.

After 2 days of what I consider easy questions to answer I am happy that my WW appears to have told me the truth so far.

I have started off nice and slow to break her in gently (so to speak).

On both occasions after only a few easy questions she has asked if she can stop for now. Her reason being that she does not want to keep being reminded of the hurt she has caused me. Not too sure that I believe this reason, I will give her the benefit of the doubt for now but my concern is she is trying to avoid answering all my questions again.

Why would she do this? Is it because she knows she must tell the truth but does not want to as she thinks 'I cannot handle the truth'? Is she worried about what I am going to ask because she is ashamed? Is she worried that she will have to lie and I might know or find out it is a lie and therefore the real consequences will start?

How long married? How many kids (ages?).

You need to have her produce a timeline because it's a permanent record that you can polygraph. It's also therapeutic for her.

Her excuse actually blames you for her affair. As long as she blames you, she is high risk to repeat. She's broken and needs to fix herself (not blame you).

Inform her that among other polygraph questions she will have to answer: do you have the OM's contact information?

Visit the gym and ask the people that work there who he is and where he moved. Or hire a PI to do it. His wife deserves to know; and he's a predator and should be exposed.

On both occasions after only a few easy questions she has asked if she can stop for now. Her reason being that she does not want to keep being reminded of the hurt she has caused me. Not too sure that I believe this reason, I will give her the benefit of the doubt for now but my concern is she is trying to avoid answering all my questions again.

Waywards are selfish. She is doing it to avoid answering those questions and having to pay the consequences for her actions. She should be reminded of the hurt. I'm sure you are reminded often even without the questions.
Have you spoken to an attorney yet? You need to know your options. This is one of the times where you need to hold her feet to the fire.

I have spoken to a lawyer (I am in the UK) and they told me the starting point is 50/50 asset split and child custody but if my WW goes to court I could get a lot less. My WW does not work so she is totally dependent on me and she could get full custody and our family home. I would have to pay child maintenance until our youngest teenage child is 18.

I prefer to reconcile but without trust and more effort from my wife (she is still not proactive at answering my questions) then divorce looks more likely.

Getting her to take a poly and passing it would put my mind at ease. I want her to get through my questions before suggesting or demanding one.

Do these set of basic questions (I know some answers already) from the Affair Recovery website seem like a good starting point?

Questions for a Physical or Emotional Affair:

Is this your first affair?

How many others have you had?

When did it begin?

Was it a physical or emotional affair?

How long were you attracted to this person before either one of you expressed feelings for the other person?

Was the affair with someone you knew?

Who was responsible for initiating the affair?

What did the two of you have in common?

How did the two of you connect?

Was an effort made to stop?

If so, how? Why do you think it didn't work?

Is the other person married or in a committed relationship?

Does the affair partner's mate know, and how did they respond?

When and where did you get together and how frequently?

If it's a sexual addiction, when did you act out and how frequently?

Is this person someone you've known for a while? How long had you been feeling attracted to the other person prior to the affair?

When did the relationship first become flirtatious?

When did it become sexual (if it was sexual)?

How long did the affair last?

If you were sexual how many times did the two of you have sex?

From your perspective, was the relationship more emotional or sexual?

How did the two of you communicate, and what was the frequency?

Was there any unprotected sex?

Have you been tested for STDs?

How much money do you think you spent on the affair?

Did you buy your AP any gifts?

Did your AP ever buy you any gifts?

If they bought you gifts, what have you done with them?

Has the affair ended?

How did it end?

When was the last time the two of you had contact?

How is this time different than other times when you've tried to end the affair?

Have you contacted your AP since you ended it to see how they are doing?

Did you decide to end the affair, or was it a joint decision between you and your AP?

What makes you think this time will be different?

What measures have you taken to make sure there will be no more contact?

Who else knows about your affair?

What does your AP want?

How do you plan on responding if your AP initiates contact?

If others know, how did they find out, and what did they do? Have you been giving the AP any financial support?

If so, what do you intend to do as you go forward?

[This message edited by HelpMeSurvive at 4:29 AM, July 9th (Friday)]

A polygraph isn’t going to be able to answer most of those.

It isn’t infallible and it struggles with anything beyond a simple yes/no question. Once you start introducing complex answers like numbers or subjective opinion it falls apart.

The tech running it will obviously run you through this better than anyone here but don’t expect much. Also it struggles with multiple questions. Usually you get ~10 and they need to all be bold, basic, yes no questions.

“Have you had any other affairs?” Would work.

“How much money did you spend?” Wouldn’t.

The tech running it will go through better but don’t expect to get all the intimate details from a poly. It isn’t a magic 8 ball.

Double post.

[This message edited by Kindern at 5:23 AM, July 9th (Friday)]

Thanks Kindern.

Any other affairs is one of my key questions. If I get a negative then I may be able to move forward.

HelpMeSurvive,

My WW does not work so she is totally dependent on me and she could get full custody and our family home.

Maybe its time for your wife to get a job. If she had time for an affair, she has time to start supporting the household. Check with your lawyer to find out how much she'll need to make to reduce/eliminate your financial liability.

Either way, it may pay off. If you reconcile, you have more income. If you divorce, you help insulate yourself from financial ruin.

Polygraph test are limited to 4-5 questions.

The examiner helps you work out the exact wording. The more factual/precise the question the more accurate the test.

She told me that she liked the attention her AP gave her and ‘thought’ that I did not love her, she said it was a mistake, she ‘believed’ she was in love and he loved her.

Etc. Etc. Said every WW ever, since the dawn of time. Along with all of the protestations they always loved you and pledges to be the best wife in history after exposure.

By the way, the sex dwindled as a form of predictive programming and then because she transferred her loyalty body and soul to her affair partner. Thus she didn't want to have sex with you for this reason.

She's been unloving yet insists she loves. She's lied thousands of times to you but wants you to believe her now. She blames you for the affair, calls it a mistake, yet insists she will be different now.

I dunno, can you live with that?

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:44 PM, July 9th (Friday)]

Polygraphs are best limited to no more than three yes/no questions bc the accuracy drops off with each added question

Interesting all of your open ended questions -

Things she should be answering regardless.