SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

.."Into the Wild"... saw it a couple of months ago. Great flick.

and yes, my faith in my fellow man is almost non-existent at this point.

I still have hope for the Leafs and the Blue Jays though!

smy

Unhinged- you've always been very kind and compassionate to me and for that I am grateful. I guess at the end of the day, I will never truly get to a place of acceptance with myself. How could I? I'm further along than I was at the beginning but not sure I'm capable of that kind of peace. I've lost faith in humanity and also in myself which probably just amplifies it.

I haven't lost faith in humanity as much as I have lost my hope.

My hope to renew a relationship with my husband.

My hope to live to see my kids in a better place in their lives.

And especially the hope that I will ever experience a love of life again.

People do shitty things each and every day as they have done since time began.

People do wonderful things each and every day as they have done since time began.

I am not nor have I ever been (since childhood) naive enough to believe everyone I encounter is a good person. The proof is always in the pudding. I treat everyone with respect if they are a jerk, they will show themselves in time. One thing this shit sandwich has gifted me with is the ability to spoke a fake human really quickly so there's that.

I am compassionate to a fault according to my IC and the MC is floored with my empathy. I am getting really good with boundaries though.

All that blah blah blah is to say, no I haven't lost my faith, I've just gained an extra scoop of perception that shows me when certain people are not worthy of that faith.

There have always been people that will do horrific things. Crimes against people that are beyond evil. But no more no than other times in history. So no loss of faith in humanity.

Even with the trauma my wife inflicted on me I don't see her as a monster or an evil person. I wouldn't still be sticking around.

This is the same woman who sacrificed and was a great mom to our kids. She did a monterous thing, one that I probably will never get over, but I still see her as a good, but flawed woman.

I am also a flawed man.

I see you VR in the same way. Whether or not you too make it, you are not a horrible person. Again, just one who did a horrible thing.

I will never truly get to a place of acceptance with myself.

Yes, you will. I know you will. I think you're one of the few people on this site who has the courage and the fortitude to dig down as deeply as you have and still come up fighting, every time.

You can do this, VR. You can climb back out of that hole and remember just how far you've come, how hard you've worked, and that the fight is worth it!

And, for what it's worth, it's easy to be kind and compassionate to anonymous strangers on the internet. Be kind and compassionate with yourself, VR. You deserve it.

I haven't lost faith in humanity because Ive always realized that there are (to keep things simple) good people, bad, and people with the potential to go either way.

In the beginning and in the wee hours of the morning? Yes. And I've recently had terrible work betrayal that leaves me a bit stunned. But I can say, well...lesson learned AGAIN. It won't happen again. I've learned who to trust at work and like Sassy, I'm a teacher who used to organize get togethers and things. I'm now completely shut down and walls are up.

I do see good in some people. I know who I am. I know how my students see me and know me. I see good in small ways at the grocery store or by my neighbor, who watches my kids when we need to go to MC. I just think I need to stop trusting so quickly and to just find a few--especially at work.

I haven't lost faith in humanity. I believe there are people with morals, conscience, honour and integrity. I've always given the benefit of the doubt. I think people have integrity until I find out otherwise. Many prove that they have even more than I thought to begin with.

With my WW it seems I didn't read her like I'm able to read others fairly accurately. Rotten, lazy bitches describes my WW, too. It was so easy to commit adultery why even try not to. The initial attention was delicious so she chased him until he caught her. What effort did she put into our marriage, what investment? If she had put the effort into our marriage that she put into carrying on a secret LTA with a COW that she orchestrated and controlled perhaps she might have had a much stronger marriage than she believed she had.

I think one difference with me when dealing with people is that I'm quicker to make evaluations as to their "humanity" than I was before. Fewer second chances, quicker to write off. And none of them or anyone else in my life can even come close to hurting me as much as WW did. She was in my intimate inner circle where I was most vulnerable and I trusted her with that. Perhaps I still believe in humanity with conditions and won't allow anyone that close anymore. I don't know that yet.

My take on those who have "lost their faith in humanity" is that you held beliefs about humanity that weren't true before, and that now you hold beliefs that are equally not true, just to the other extreme. Still believing, when you could use the moment to actually begin a search for the truth.

Do people lie? Yes. A lot? Oh yeah. To everyone, including themselves? Yup.

If you are in an accident, who will respond? If not in a big city, odds are it will be a volunteer. An EMT who spends hundreds of hours per year for no pay. Volunteer firefighter. A ski patroller. Search and rescue team. Soup kitchen volunteers. While you are claiming of how humanity has failed to live to your expectation, millions are quietly giving of themselves in service to others every hour of the day.

So, yeah, it is complicated.

There's a mindfulness meditation called Naikan that can help people discover the truth regarding the nature of their relationship to others, and even insight into human nature. It's easy to do, because it just requires you to look at the nature of your interactions. It is hard do, because frankly we don't actually want to discover the truth. We want to manipulate. It's human nature. Here's a link, I've posted previously, to a site that explains, or you can google it.

http://www.todoinstitute.org/naikan.html

It forms a key part of Constructive Living also.

I challenge anyone to just try this reflection on a daily basis, or in regard to a particular person (e.g., cheating spouse).

http://www.todoinstitute.org/naikan3.html

My take on those who have "lost their faith in humanity" is that you held beliefs about humanity that weren't true before, and that now you hold beliefs that are equally not true, just to the other extreme.

I have experienced this, so for me, this is true.

I was very naive, I grew up being taught it was wrong to think ill of people, that everyone deserved a chance, that negative behavior was probably due to abuse or pain in that person's life and that compassion and kindness could bring out the good in them again.

This has been a huge wake up call. I still deep down want to believe people are kind and caring but I no longer make "excuses" for poor behavior like I did, I see it now more fully and I see more negative, harmful behavior from people than positive, helpful behavior.

I am also amazed at how often I am amazed at how horrible people can be to each other.

This is just my perspective from my current frame of reference. Who knows what the reality really is.

At this time I try to not hold beliefs, I am an observer, I question the behaviors I see as negative and wonder how/why etc? I do not get answers really, it is still an area I have very limited understanding in.

This has been a huge wake up call. I still deep down want to believe people are kind and caring but I no longer make "excuses" for poor behavior like I did, I see it now more fully and I see more negative, harmful behavior from people than positive, helpful behavior.

You just said that over the Internet. How many people in the past had to do their job, and how many people right now are doing small, little tasks that your internet depends on to get that missive out to all of us? Sure, you don't know them, and probably the customer service at you ISP is cold and remote, but when you think about this massive web of interdependency of people that we completely take for granted for its smooth operation, while doing something so simple as posting a note on this site, that then reaches the entire globe...

Pretty crazy, really.

At this time I try to not hold beliefs, I am an observer

If you can truly do this, and see things from an open position without preconceptions, and without instant judgment, you'll see some fundamental truths that the majority of people are blind to. It's a life-long journey, good luck!

It's a life-long journey, good luck!

Yes it is isn't it? One that constantly starts and stops. It is difficult to not fall into habitual, past trained thinking. I have to stop many times and remind myself to observe, to question to not just make assumptions based on my own specific limited awareness/experience of life. I not only try to observe/question those outside of me but also myself. And in observing myself I also try to honor my gut instinct about others and situations as well now.

What you said about all those behind the scene. I agree there are many that make many things we all take for granted work, but I also question if that is worth the cost in some cases. I do not know the answer but I do wonder.

Others are necessary, part of why I am drawn to SI is the "others" here. Seeing others experiences, thier perspectives, their reasonings and logic help to exand my own awareness and help me see questions I might never have throught to ask on my own. For me I consider it invaluable.

I will be honest thought and say that the "interdependency" you brought up does not sit well with me. I agree with you, I see it, I know it, but it does not sit well, I do not "like" the idea that I have to be interdependent on those that could so easily harm me in ways I have no power or control over. I do hide my head in the sand to an extent and focus more on my role in this "interdependency" trying to offer positive behaviors being dependable, reliable, kind, thoughtful, mindful, empathetic, etc. because it helps foster the illusion that I have some control over my destiny when the reality is that anyone at any time could take me out should they choose, and in many canses not based on their choice but just due to circumstances. I am not above the attachment of this and I question if I will be, as well as should I strive for it?

I will be honest thought and say that the "interdependency" you brought up does not sit well with me. I agree with you, I see it, I know it, but it does not sit well,

Yeah, I kind of like to think of myself as an independent person, happy with my own company. I just spent 3 hours kayaking by myself today, and it was great. Of course I drove my car there, it was a dammed up lake, and I paddled the kayak I built from a kit. Thanks, road builders, dam builders, and kayak kit makers!

Ever watch the show "Naked and Afraid"? People try to live as a pair in the wilderness, for 21 days with nothing but their wits and two tools they can bring? It is a brutish 3 weeks for all of them, and there is great dependency on each other. Almost too hard to try by yourself.

Modern society is what allows me to "go it alone". Paradoxical in that way.

As a WW I went through a long phase of this but then I found someone to help me get on the right combo of meds (dx with bipolar disorder during R) and now that in combination with IC I'm feeling better, more hopeful.

My attitude towards people in general has changed yes but it's truly for the better. Do I think people are shittier these days? Yes but I don't have to be one of them nor do I have to save them.

Was out shopping yesterday and this woman was clearly needing attention. She talked and talked and talked. The old me would have been all over that thinking I could get a friend if I helped her. Now I think please stop talking. Call a therapist. I don't know you. I don't have time for you. We aren't friends. Why are you telling me your life story?

Makes me uncomfortable now and that's a very good thing. I can spot healthy good people now and I assure you they are out there hiding in plain sight yes but they are out there.

I now see people and relationships differently. Now I wonder if people who seem happy are truly happy, and I wonder if a person who seems genuinely nice is really a liar and deceiver and a great actor, and I wonder in relationships if one or both partners are sad or lonely and therefore straying or thinking of straying.

But have I lost faith in humanity? I think that deep down, I have not. And this gives me hope that I'm not too far gone yet, too jaded in life. It gives me hope that some day I'll be on the other side of this mess and I'll be healed and a better, happier, and wiser person for it.

I did for a while. During the first year of recovery, the lifestyles portrayed in the movie, Gangs of New York, remained heavy in my thoughts.

Naw. I exist, I'm coo.

I see people as inherently bad. It's hard not to see the world as a horrible dark place when you assume everyone you see on the street is a selfish lying asshole.

So sorry for the suffering you are going through.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 1:18 AM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

Short answer? Yes.