SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Faithfulfeathers,

You sound like you are well on your way to complete restoration of faith. You woke up and prayed? I love it! That is absolutely the right thing to do and God will bless you for it. Not to mention reading the Bible with your kids when your heart has been broken.

I am deeply touched by your faithfulness. You will be just fine. I know it.

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post. I believe in Jesus. I need prayer. I've cried every day since September 2014. I have panic attacks. I am REALLY struggling today. There are days I don't want to go on. I could really use prayer. Thank you.

My biggest fear is that he's an online and or ONS/prostitute cheater. That's what my gut feels. I need clarity and wisdom from God.

((CitrusC))

Praying for you.

(((CitrusC)))

I just said a prayer for you. I will look up your profile to get a better idea of what you are going through. It sounds like your heart is breaking and I am so sorry. Hang in there and please feel free to vent if you need to. That's what we're here for - to carry each other's burdens in a safe environment. And to support each other through commiseration and prayer. You are not alone.

Praying for you, CitrusC and will keep you in my prayers. This fear can be crippling and my heart goes out to you. There is so much love and support and guidance for you to draw on here, please know that it's here. You are worth going on for no matter what the choices of others are.

Sending prayers, CitrusC.

Thanks guys. I'm so tired of being tired and crying. I have been crying out to God for help. Begging Him for clarity and wisdom. I'm more afraid of the unknown than anything.

Here's what I know foe sure: he's an alcoholic and in denial. He has anger problems and is verbally and emotionally abusive. Caught him texting a former employee for over a year after she quit. More than any of his current employees or ME. And he texted a bartender once that I know of at a bar he was eating at. He erased his search history every time he goes to a certain town. And he refuses to take a poly.

In his defense, the text to the bartender was a video from I AM SECOND. The one from the girl who started Hookers For Jesus.

This is part of one of my daily devotions I wanted to share with you on this Good Friday

"On this Good Friday, it's important to remember that Jesus came primarily as a warrior whose final enemy is death. I know how easy it is to domesticate Jesus, presenting him as a kindly and inspiring moral teacher, but that is not how the Gospels present him. He is a cosmic warrior who has come to do battle with all of those forces that keep us from being fully alive."

Happy Easter to my "family" here on SI! Christ is risen!!

Yes He has risen.

hopeful,77, thank you so much!

I have been going through a rough patch lately. Of all things, it started on Easter. We went to an amazing church service that ended with over 2 dozen people committing themselves to the Lord and being baptized - fully immersed - wearing all of their Easter finery and not giving a lick about getting soaking wet. It moved me deeply. I could not stop crying. But then - could it have been an attack? - my tears of joy suddenly became tears of deep sorrow.

I recalled my H's baptism, which took place before my family and many friends a number of years after we were married. I remember the look on H's face before he "took the plunge". He had tears streaming down his face and we were all crying along with him. My heart was soaring that day.

Then I flash-forwarded to just a few years later with images of H "with" OW - with his mouth all over her body, telling her how beautiful she was, how much he loved her, and that they would be together forever. During the 6 years he was with her, he promised her over and over again that they would be together "in the end". And here I am - 2 days after Easter - unable to get those words and those images out of my mind.

I have been reading the Psalms each day as part of my morning prayers and today I read this:

"To the wicked God says: "What right have you to declare my statutes...seeing you hate instruction and cast my words behind you?...You have...been a partaker with adulterers. You gave your mouth to evil, and your tongue frames deceit."

(Psalm 49 or 50, depending on your translation, verses 16-19)

You see, throughout H's LTA he was an elder. He was even President of our Church during the last 3 years. And I stood by his side, supporting him and doing much of the work required of his position. We sang in the choir together and he regularly took communion. Yet he was living a life of complete deceit - lying to me and our sons every single day, and sharing his body in every way imaginable with another woman - another married one at that.

Then I read this in verses 12-14 5 Psalms later:

"For it is not an enemy who reproaches me;

Then I could bear it.

Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me;

Then I could hide from him.

But it was you...my companion and my acquaintance.

We took sweet counsel together,

And walked to the house of God in the throng".

And I have not been able to stop crying. I don't know, I really don't know if H and I will make it. I CAN NOT forget what he did. When I think I have, I end up being struck with one of the "gifts that keeps on giving" that he brought to our marriage as a result of his LTA. My body won't let me forget when my mind is able to. I can not escape this and don't know what to do.

Do I love H? Yes, a lot. Do I enjoy his company? More than anyone else's. But do I trust him? No. After over 2 years, I have to admit that I do not. He lied so easily - right to my face, even swearing to God that he was being faithful - for 6 years! I still nightmare on most nights and wake up looking at him like he's a stranger. I look at him, not believing what he did - with "her" and to me and our boys.

Please help! I need prayer. I am so confused and feel so lost.

Needsfriends...huge prayers for you...for all of us...

I had a meltdown last night ...I think the emotions of Easter which is all about Resurection just got to me...

Today I am going with a friend to have lunch with some retired nuns...these are women who dedicated their life for service for others...being in their company today will be refreshing and slightly self serving...reminding me that we all have made sacrifices ...

we never know where this journey called life will take us but I do honestly know that my life has been MOSTLY good...I do know I have been blessed with the gift of strength....even when I don't want to be...we all need to rest...to sit in silence and just feel the embrace of resurection

peace

((needfriendshere))

I am praying for you as are others.

I hear you and I so understand. This is such a hard journey. These selfish destructive man-child's that have never grown up and are still so agonizingly slow at even attempting to mature that horrid part of themselves are utterly exhausting. And Satan is all to happy to use what our selfish WS's did to torment us over and over. It is very hard to take every thought captive, and we so need the support of our fellow Christians to do so and to strength us and walk with us as we try to give all of this to the Lord and heal.

Hopeful77 and Brokenheartedwif,

Thank you so much for your prayers. It has taken all of my strength not to open a bottle and drink these crappy feelings away. After Dday, I was afraid I was becoming an alcoholic. The only way I could look at FWH and, God help me, kiss him or make love with him, was if I was pretty drunk. He didn't seem to notice or, if he did, he certainly didn't care. All he cared about was that I NOT bring up his LTA or OW. Things aren't much different these days (he still hopes beyond hope that I won't bring his A or AP up), but I don't drink anymore. Not just for the sake of drinking, that is.

And Satan is all to happy to use what our selfish WS's did to torment us over and over. It is very hard to take every thought captive, and we so need the support of our fellow Christians to do so

Yes! This is so true. It is why I am here on SI today. I try to stay away sometimes because I delude myself into believing that I will heal quicker if I remove myself from everything "A"- related. But, Whether I am here or not, I trigger and nightmare, and look at my life and wonder how it got to this point. I used to be happy and fun and funny!!! I want that person back. I miss her...

Hopeful77, I hope your lunch with your retired nun friends went well and that they were able to give you some peace. You want to know something weird? I, too, have a friend who was a nun and she used to give me tremendous hope. But now...she has lost her faith and is no longer a believer! I still love her and pray for her every day, but I mourn that "connection" we once had.

I am starting to think that continued cycles of pain and nightmares and memories are not always Satan attacking. I believe more now that Satan's attacks are the events that caused the trauma, and the pain cycles that follow are our body attempting to face, process and release them.

Sometimes things are so traumatic that our brain actually stores them away (or we may actually use other things to cover them up because they are too painful to face all at once)...this is scientifically proven (can't post links, but just google brain storing trauma or emdr and you can find many articles). In order to deal with them, they may be released in different ways in "smaller doses" over extended periods of time as our bodies are strong enough to handle them.

Prayers to you all

[This message edited by StrongHeart at 4:31 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)]

Srongheart,

There is much wisdom in this:

I believe more now that Satan's attacks are the events that caused the trauma, and the pain cycles that follow are our body attempting to face, process and release them.

Thanks for putting things in their proper perspective. I fear I give too much credit to the enemy! His work is done. You are SO-O right. I pray you are doing well.

Hi gang...its been a bit since I have been on SI. Forgive me.

Citrus C.....

Thanks guys. I'm so tired of being tired and crying. I have been crying out to God for help. Begging Him for clarity and wisdom. I'm more afraid of the unknown than anything.

I know this spot. I am almost 4 years from DD1, but still recall this spot as if it were yesterday.

Couple words of encouragement.

Crying out to God.....thats a good thing. I have cussed at God. I have pleaded and bargained with God. I have sobbed uncontrollably with him. Been tempted to live legalistically, like the Pharisees did. I have chosen boldly with and ran scared from him. While I don't believe it was God's will to have my wife choose adultery....satan will was done by her free will choice.....I see how God has used this trial to grow OUR (His and mine) relationship. All of this to say I have a REAL, LIVING relationship through Jesus with God as a result of this trial.........and I have done my part imperfectly and in very messy ways at times.

I am not the man I was say 5 years ago. THANK GOD!!!

Growth hurts. Change hurts. Change occurs when the pain of same exceeds the pain of change.

I see you have already gained wisdom.

You recognize a PATTERN of avoiding real intimacy in your husband well before actual adultery was chosen. I see it clearly in Gracerunner.

Remember, adultery is false-intimacy. It FEELS real, but lacks reality. No one would choose it if they were in patterns of operating with love.

Love = truth + grace and mercy.

Emotional abuse.....had that in my pre-A M too. Though didn't recognize at such AND my FOO had me accepting that as normal. My wife very much recreated the dynamic I observed in my FOO. She is changing, I am changing....and that has God written all over it. Withdrawing at the level my wife did is abuse....and it tapped into my unrecognized, unhealed wounds of abandonment as a boy.

Its said satan hits you were it hurts the most, where he can get the most bang for his buck. I NOW understand why even the slightest withdrawal by my wife hurt so much.....that action hit me in a festering wound. Imagine a thumb being pressed into a un-tended to gunshot wound. Now that that is healing.....Gracerunner can withdraw and I DON'T re-start a destructive, CoD cycle!!! That. Feels. Great.

Yeah...it sucks to have a wife reject you, but it doesn't feel life-threatening anymore! Satan hates I am healing....he loved it when I was blind to that injury!

Rest is part of the battle too! That continues to be a challenge for me. But remind myself that while I am resting God and his Spirit are working on my behalf.

You can have knowledge, or you can have faith....but you can't have both.

I have gained wisdom from this journey, but am far from wise.

You know what's nice about being a Christian without all the answers?

You don't need the answers. You need faith.

Adultery is the weapon of mass destruction against the family....it can and usually does transcend generations. It attempts to kill hope....and hope to the soul is like breath to the body.

Keep the faith.

We are in a battle...but the war is won. Satan knows that and is why he is taking as much as he can as fast as he can. When he whispers reminders about your past, remind him of his future.

peace

Nice to see you back, Blakesteele!

And it is especially nice to see that you are doing well - still growing in your faith, and moving in a forward motion with your healing - relationship and other-wise.