SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks you two, you have steered me toward away from the edge.

I find my evenings the hardest to handle. Going to have to do something about that.

Thought I was past all this and like I say, just sneaks up and grabs my heart and throws it into the dirt again.

Thanks for a perspective adjustment.

Have you gone to get checked out for depression (I have had it and antidepressants have been helping me a lot!) and PTSD?

Thanks Hobbes,

Yes, taking something now.

Really did help initially just the loneliness factor now.

I am just checking back in to all you fine folks that were so kind and considerate to me in my hour of desperation. You were all right that those moments of wracking gut pain and barely able to breathe have been reduced to a much more bearable situation.

My divorce is on hold while the slut bides her time. She was all in a jury to divorce. Filed two weeks after she was tossed out. Now I guess she is waiting for...who knows what.

Again, I just wanted to thank you all. While I would want no one to have to be here it is a God send to those with a hurting heart and soul. And best advise I got was time will heal your heart. Talk it out to one who will listen and not judge. Keep moving one miserable step at a time and you will survive. For after all you did not choose this it was thrown upon you BUT you will find your way. You will bear scars of the heart and mind but the pain does decrease. Thank you all again. You cared when the one who told me she did for 37years no longer would.

Hello, I decided to wander back again all most two years later. I would love to tell you that time really does heal your heart but I am writing this after spending some time on my knees in tears. From out of nowhere it seems an overwhelming loneliness just dropped me. Have to appear at mediation on Friday and after so many attempts at her heartless manipulations i am war weary. Two years now and no real change in sight. Unreal is all I can say how her attorney can use the courts to their advantage. She is determined to have me pay support. In my mind I will never do so. Even if she wins that decision there will be none paid. My plan is simple. I am 65 and have had a pleasurable life until 2010, then just about lost everything. I will settle the divorce affairs sell the house and will all my remaining assets to my sons. Then just peacefully end it. I say this with sincerity and mush consideration . I have not rushed to this decision. I can see it as the only way to get off this merry go round we call life. Will it matter. Not really, just an end to a very sad story... there is always an ending.

Then just peacefully end it.

Do not do this. She is not worth it. I know you've thought about it and I'm sure you've considered every angle. If she wins a judgment against you in court, she can contest your will when you're gone. If she's been such a huge bitch to a man she was married to for 37 years, there will be nothing to stop her fighting your sons. Clearly, money is more important to her than any of you have been. So she will take the fight she has with you to your sons instead. Your battle will become their battle.

Instead, give your sons everything you can now, while you're alive. If you don't want to pay her, don't. She can keep taking you back to court, you can take your lumps and keep not paying her. In fact, if you start giving things to your sons now, there will be less to fight for in court later. Anything you believe is of value is only money and stuff. Do not let her take away time with your sons. You need them and THEY NEED YOU. You are the only stable parent they have. They may be adults but your love and wisdom mean something to them. Do not leave them a legacy at your death that they have to fight with their mother to keep or just sigh and give up to her. I guarantee you that it's only money and it means far less to them than having you for a father does.

Don't let her win this way. Don't give up for her. You don't know what the future holds. You could meet that beautiful partner who actually does put your interests first and doesn't care about all that material crap. If you die, your wife could be beaten to death by the douchebag she left you for right after she has taken everything from your sons. Think about this again. Even paying her would be better than you taking your life. Consider it the fee to get rid of her. It actually sounds worth it. What doesn't sound worth it is you giving up when you don't know what waits around the corner. Don't do it even if she wins a judgment. Fight for what's yours and even if she wins, fight for your own happiness and that of your sons.

Thank you Tearsoflove. I had no considered that she would be that cruel but she just did ask one of my sons for $3k. My precious family is so broken I don't think the boys will even miss me in a year or two. My oldest won't even speak to me hasn't in a year because he blames me, for her affair. Can't seem to follow the reasoning.

I do appreciate your kind words and I am not facing my impending suicide. It's just a realization I can't take any more.

Most of my family died in a year and a half, lost a 36 year old buiness and retired early. Just enough to exist so I went to work teaching at a college and high school to keep the house and pay some of the taxes incurred. My students are probably my biggest motivation to put another foot ahead and continue.

The deciding factor is I will. I longer support her while she is with this POS. They have tried all manner of crap to avoid the California law about cohabitation which would nullify spousal support. She has even called me as she slept in her car in WallMart parking lot. Talking very sweetly like the "ole" days only to grind me up when I cared and tried to help. I am just so weary probably cause I don't eat well, very lousy cook. It's just that grinding never ending manipulations and lies I just don't want to deal with any more.

Thank again for your kind words. It's great to know there are people like yourself that realize the amount of pain this situation can cause a human soul

1 - Get passport

2 - liquidate assets & move all accounts offshore

3 - get on a plane

4 - enjoy your retirement elsewhere

JWB,

Please do no give up. You sound like a great guy, and the world needs them now more than ever. And life can still offer you many, many good things. I can see how what you have endured might come to dominate your thoughts, but please understand that the antidote for that is to talk to people who care. Like those in this forum. Like your pastor, if you are religious. Like friends. Like your students. Like your physician.

I am a person who tends to bottle things up and not talk about my problems, but I learnt several years ago the benefits of doing the opposite, and talking things through with friends and family, and on occasion, my physician. And it was such a great relief to just let it all out.

Please, JWB, talk to as many people as you can about how you are feeling. I understand the frustration of the situation with your wife and her demands, but it should not take priority over everything else in your life. There must be lots of social clubs and hobby societies that you could join, whether it's cycling, painting, hiking, dancing...These things can get you meeting some great new people, making new friends, maybe even discovering new interests and pleasures. We are never too old for that!

And how about travel? America is a huge, beautiful, and wonderfully diverse country, with incredible things to see and do, whatever direction you travel in. Are there places you have always wanted to see, but never been to? Then make plans to go see them. And what about all the great books there are that you probably haven't had time to read. Why not make a list of them and start working your way through them?

And what about good causes and charities around you? They could always use a decent, intelligent man like you to help them out by giving some of your time. Think of how rewarding that can be.

So please, JWB, start talking to people and do not carry this burden alone or bottle it up. There are many good people in this world who care about you, all you have to do is reach out to them. Once you start making new friends, and bringing more good people into your life, you will see how different things will be. It will bring a much better balance into your life, more goodness to help balance out the negative stuff.

Please, JWB, keep on reaching out.

M1965

Thank you,

You are right and I guess today was an effort to reach out. I've always had so much responsibility I could not let it out, at least in public. When I hold it in like that I end up like this morning on my knees weeping. It is such a week , unmanly thing to do (my upbringing)' sorry. I know better but the process is so humbling.

I am due in mediation in Friday and I have already made an offer my lawyer has recommended I not do because it was me taking all problems leaving her $93k on

F cash and benefit and I will deal. With tax problems from biz collapse. I cannot do any more and live indoors and eat in a regular basis. Yet she wants more and her snake lawyer keeps driving the wagon. Someone I never knew.

Ordinary side,

You made me smile...thanks I needed that

I would do exactly as Ordinary Dude said if it came to that. Liquidate assets. Place them in foreign account. Retire to some foreign locale with no forwarding address.

Hi JW... Sorry that she won't just let things drop.

She is determined to have me pay support.

I've thought from the beginning of your tale of woe that the POSOM was the main charactor for the constant effort of getting at more and more of the family assets from you. After all you know OM is a criminal. Hell.... his entire family are criminals. Your wife has been in his back pocket for quite sometime now. Sad to see their getting money out of your son now too. When your assets run out so will the POSOM. That's the day you'll hear from your wife that she's ready to come back. Seems like there has been a rash lately of long term marriages going down the toilet. Stay strong.

My oldest won't even speak to me hasn't in a year because he blames me, for her affair.

It's plain to see your wife has spun this tale into being all your fault. I agree with OrdinaryDude. That would be the quickest way to get all of this nonsense stopped.

Please talk to someone about your depression and perhaps your meds aren't working the same anymore and need to be updated

[This message edited by Marriagesucks at 5:06 PM, October 1st (Sunday)]

Marriagesucks,

You are right. I may need an adjustment on the meds but I was hopin to ween of them in a year. You can see how well that worked, at least I sleep week because of them.

I think the thing I will never get over is the wayward go through. They become someone you never knew and the devil in that is were you so foolish and naive all those many years.

I have heard it time and again from so many here.

I must thank you all for your words and care... there is so little of that in the world.

When I hold it in like that I end up like this morning on my knees weeping. It is such a week , unmanly thing to do (my upbringing)' sorry. I know better but the process is so humbling.

We are never stronger than when we reach out for help. Keep on doing it, JWB. There's more than 57,000 people in this forum who have done just that, because it really works.

JWB, I must admit, I skipped to the end of your story. I was hoping for a happy ending.

I'm so sorry you feel unwanted or unneeded. I didn't know you, but if you need to talk, please PM us. Call for help. Just don't take your life.

JWB,

Healing from an affair take a minimum of two years, more like 3-5 years. You're getting there on the usual time frame.

You have 20-30 more years of life. Do you have grandkids? Will you have grandkids in the future? You will get past this and there will still be wonderful moments to come.

Hang in there. This is hard, and it's hard for a long time, but it will finally become a memory.

Thank you Wool,

I made that comment with calm realization everything comes to an end. You have all given me some other considerations I must consider.

I just feel like there is no joy left. I used to be so different, now so undeniably pathetic (poor me)

Well the story hasn't played out till the end yet so I guess I put my waders on and keep plowing thru this crap they call life.

Thanks all for listening, it means a lot

Healing from an affair take a minimum of two years, more like 3-5 years.

The fact that it's all still in your face is probably prolonging your healing, too. I know what it feels like to consider suicide just to make the damn pain go away. My kids were still minors when my husband cheated while overseas. I wished to die but I couldn't kill myself because I couldn't leave them. It took a long time to get past that. And I have still, 14 years down the road, lost all fear of death because of it. It would feel hypocritical now to fear what I wished so strongly for.

But my life did get better and yours will, too. You know, you do not have to mediate. You can tell the mediator that you don't agree with anything and let it go before a judge. You can introduce everything in court, the affair, the cohabitation, the money from the safe, all the furniture, the police notes- all of it. And then you can let a judge determine what's fair. And if you don't agree with the judge, you can take Ordinary Dude's advice and go find your way somewhere else. You can enjoy your life just to spite that bitch.

I know you think you lost this wonderful woman. But she really never was. If you went back and read your posts, she was always selfish and materialistic. She might have had the occasional generous moment in there just enough to keep you believing she was the person you thought she was. But she's shown you who she really is. In fact, when I read that she asked for a divorce in 2008, I thought she probably started the affair then and they'd had a falling out that led her to stay. He likely called your work phone because of a second falling out and he thought he'd get her attention. But it doesn't matter whether it was brand new or she was cheating all along because she is NOT a good person. Good people do not do what she did. They just don't. And they don't keep coming back and twisting the knife and trying to take more after they've already taken everything.

Your sons will not be better off without you. And the one who barely talks to you will come around. Sometimes, our children have to live a little of their own lives before they can see how ours might have gotten out of our control. I do agree that you need to talk to people but I think I would table discussing this with your sons. It's difficult to enjoy time with a parent who is focused on his/her hurt. Spend the time you have with them enjoying them. Seek out people to talk to who understand where you've been (like us) and your doctors. And definitely get out there and start doing things to move on with your life separate from what is going on with your divorce.

You are going to get through this. And one day, you are going to look back and be thankful you are still here. You'll have a grandchild to spoil or a girlfriend who adores you. Maybe you'll get to know parts of yourself that help you cherish some alone time and maybe you'll find some hobbies that you couldn't have done with a self-centered wife. You may never fear death again- rather looking at it with a resigned acceptance. But there's some freedom in that new perspective that also helps make life more enjoyable. Just don't let her take one more second of your life from you. Let her unleash her destruction elsewhere.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 8:01 PM, October 1st (Sunday)]