SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you want stats, your MC is 100% wrong and I would ditch them on the spot. You will not R without knowing all the facts, because what you don't know will eat you up.

So you need full disclosure - when, where, how often, why? You need NC as an immediate and non-negotiable.

After that, breathe, absorb and decide where you are taking this and see how she responds. But she has got a lot to do.

I have already started doing the 180. She is getting her own apartment away from her friend. I am going to take everyone's advice and find a different counselor. Also, I am not saying it is right, but going along with what BeginAgain2017 said, I think deep down I want her to screw up and be with the OM in order for me to make my final decision.

That's a good idea. This will be the ultimate test. Having your WW live on her own and see if she starts dating OM or wants to start dating you.

The problem is how will you know if she is having sex with other men if you are not together?

How will you know if she is still seeing OM or not? She could be doing anything and anybody in her new apartment.

There are plenty of people here that took the high road and reconciled with their waywards, but it ugly, painful and takes a lifetime to get over. Most of them did it because they had too much invested, house/kids/decades of a life built together and they still struggle like hell. Infidelity sucks the life out of marriages and it takes a total transformation to rebuild.

You are a few months into a marriage and I take it you do not have kids. That's a dream scenario in this nightmare of a situation. You can make a clean break. You can move on, find someone that respects you, you are young and if you want a family in the future do you really want to raise them with someone you can't really trust? If she is already cheating on you 4 months into a marriage, you have to figure there is a very high chance it will happen again.

I hope a month brings you some clarity/stability and allows you to detach. I know its easier said than done because you still love her, but you deserve someone that loves and respects you. Good luck.

I think you'll find out when she's around other men because I don't think she gets it. She doesn't know how she should act after cheating on someone, as evidenced by her Super Bowl Facebook pictures. If not her posting, her friends will. Plus I suspect you must have ways to monitor you haven't posted yet. You know I think that thing with the other man has been brewing awhile, not just very recent.

Anyway, I think you have a good attitude, wait and see.

Yeah I agree with wk55hn, that thing with the other man has probably been brewing for awhile.

The only new development is that based on the way my wife is acting, she has started implementing the 180. I don't know how to respond to that. I mean I am still sticking to the 180 myself but because of the way she is acting, I don't know if she is genuinely trying to move on, if she is trying to act the way she is to get my attention (if so it has worked), or if she is acting that way to try to give me space like I've asked for.

In the end, I just want her to be happy. Seeing her happy made me happier than anything else. I almost want to say that if being with me and letting her fool around makes her happy, then that makes me happy. But is that healthy? Probably not...

[This message edited by ihatechoosinga at 6:32 PM, February 8th (Wednesday)]

I almost want to say that if being with me and letting her fool around makes her happy, then that makes me happy. But is that healthy? Probably not...

DEFINITELY NOT !!!

I don't know if she is genuinely trying to move on, if she is trying to act the way she is to get my attention (if so it has worked), or if she is acting that way to try to give me space like I've asked for.

Try to "chillax" as they say. You're wasting your time trying to psychoanalyze a cheater. Keep detaching for yourself. By all means keep posting here with your anxieties and worries, but don't approach them with her. Be like the duck in the park who's paddling like hell underneath, but calm and serene above water. Only let her see the above water part.

I almost want to say that if being with me and letting her fool around makes her happy, then that makes me happy. But is that healthy? Probably not...

Not only is it unhealthy, but it's ridiculous and sets you up for a life of misery. I know you have more self respect than this. As many have said, it's normal to ride the roller coaster. Your feelings and thoughts run out of control in these early stages after discovery. This is the place to safely share those thoughts and feelings. But I hope you realize in a moment of clarity that this is a ridiculous statement. Do not say anything like this to her. Keep it here on SI.

Someone a couple pages back suggested that you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. You should do that. It will help you a lot with detaching from your WW.

Everything, and I mean everything is a trigger that brings back memories. Even things that have no connection to her trigger me simply because I think about how they didn't have a connection to her.

I let her take the cat this evening so that she wouldn't be too lonely. I didn't tell her that though. Part of me wonders if we should try to reconcile because of the cat and dog are best buddies and the dog is already super depressed and I imagine the cat is the same way.

[This message edited by ihatechoosinga at 9:05 PM, February 8th (Wednesday)]

I would tell her to take them both, that way I wouldn't have to worry about taking care of either of them...and less to remind you of her.

I let her take the cat this evening so that she wouldn't be too lonely.

This would be funny if it weren't so sad!

Part of me wonders if we should try to reconcile because of the cat and dog are best buddies and the dog is already super depressed and I imagine the cat is the same way.

I really don't know what to say about what you've written above other than I think you desperately need IC.

Part of me wonders if we should try to reconcile because of the cat and dog are best buddies and the dog is already super depressed and I imagine the cat is the same way.

Was this a joke?

JS84, sadly that wasn't a joke. However, now that all the crazy emotions of her coming back to our place of living and taking more things which we had memories associated with has passed, I realize how ridiculous of a statement that is.

She wasn't ready to get married. Cheating 4 months in means she wasn't ready. Both of you are young, let her go. It's possible that you 2 will be together again down the road, but right now it is obvious that she is not ready for marriage.

I agree with everything that Randy1133 said. It's only been 4 months. You should still be in the honeymoon stage where unicorns fart fairy dust.

Part of me wonders if we should try to reconcile because of the cat and dog are best buddies and the dog is already super depressed and I imagine the cat is the same way.

You need to let your brain do your thinking for you and keep your heart out of it. The heart lies and believes crap.

The only new development is that based on the way my wife is acting, she has started implementing the 180. I don't know how to respond to that. I mean I am still sticking to the 180 myself but because of the way she is acting, I don't know if she is genuinely trying to move on, if she is trying to act the way she is to get my attention (if so it has worked), or if she is acting that way to try to give me space like I've asked for.

It's a front, don't trust anything she says or does in the short term. She is probably trying to call your bluff.

Try not to show any emotion around her and say very little when forced to speak to her.

The fact that this happened 4 months into the M says you got a bad apple and D is the best course of action. It sucks but it will suck even more when she cheats again which is highly likely if you attempted to R.

I am not trying to go against what everyone is suggesting here, but I would like a little clarity.

Everyone keeps mentioning how we have only been married for 4 months. However, we have been together for 4 years. We have lived together for 3.5 of the 4 years and it has been 2.5 years since we got engaged.

From everything I have always read, the honeymoon phase does not strictly apply to marriage but to relationships in general. Based on conversations with friends and articles I have read online, the honeymoon phase rarely lasts longer than 2 years after a couple has gotten together.

I will be the first to admit that us getting married kind of rekindled the excitement of us being together. But it didn't bring about excitement anything like the honeymoon phase for me or for her. Which, why would it seeing how we had already gone through a honeymoon phase?

We got married because we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, we wanted it to be legal, and it was a step forward in the relationship which we both know moving forward in a relationship is important for many people.

So going back to what I want clarity about. Why is everybody making such a big deal out of us having been married only 4 months considering everything I just wrote?

[This message edited by ihatechoosinga at 3:56 PM, February 9th (Thursday)]

Because what's sets marriage apart from all other relationships is that it is a public and moral statement of commitment and fidelity. It is not dating. It is not living together. It is an institution.

That's why cheating on a BF or GF is just that.....cheating.

But in marriage its adultery.

In marriage you honor your spouse. How seriously did she take that obligaton to honor you after getting married? Looks like you got 4 whole months of being honored.

That is what we in the poker world call a tell.

[This message edited by ramius at 4:08 PM, February 9th (Thursday)]

Two Major red flags that go along with your question. I see the honeymoon period not as a set of dates... You could know someone all your life and then marry them. The honeymoon period is prior to kids, prior to having aged parent problems, major finance problems... Yes you've faced problems together but not while juggling kids, a mortgage, a dying parent...

The 4 month red flag is that you just took your vows and promised in front God, Family and Friends to be faithful, kind, ... to one another. How could she forget everything she promised ... 4 months ago because she needed more attention?

The only new development is that based on the way my wife is acting, she has started implementing the 180. I don't know how to respond to that.

With a separation WS can go either way. They can devote themselves to fixing their marriage... Read books on "healing the BS", get in IC, workout ways to help the BS heal... Or they can take this opportunity to see what living the single life is like...but stay married so there is no real consequence. Plus the BS can't keep tabs on them so less guilt and sneaking. Which of the two do you think her 180 is doing? If her reason for cheating is a lack of attention... how do you think she is going to fill that void while you are separated? When she gets caught cheating again she is going to say.. but we were separated and I figured we were getting divorced anyway....

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:40 PM, February 9th (Thursday)]