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If you want any chance of saving the marriage she needs to be in remorse. Filing paperwork is about the only thing that you haven't tried yet.

Marriag Counselling is a complete waste of time with a remorseless spouse. They use it as a stalking technique.

I mean she's still talking to her boyfriend. Why is it even worth going to counselling, do you think they'll tell her that it's perfectly OK to do so? Nope. She's just manipulating you.

I emailed her this morning to set up times to schedule with the marriage counselor. My email basically said that if we are going to make the marriage work that we can't keep putting off going to see a therapist and that it is going to take years to heal from this, not just a few months like she thinks.

She just replied back to me saying "I am not financially able to do this and I'm not ready to do this. I will reach out when/if I am ready financially and emotionally."

What a load of crap! Maybe I'm wrong but to me it seems like she is trying to walk all over me and call the shots as if she was/is the victim. I'm kind of speechless.

[This message edited by ihatechoosinga at 2:15 PM, March 12th (Sunday)]

She just replied back to me saying "I am not financially able to do this and I'm not ready to do this. I will reach out when/if I am ready financially and emotionally."

Well there you have. Cut and dry.

Yea, she seems super worried about the marriage. You can see it in her attitude. So remorseful.

Time for your emotional side to accept the reality.....She has checked out.

You can't reconcile with someone who is remorseless and isn't even willing to do the heavy lifting to repair the damage they've done to the marriage. Trying to do marriage counseling is a waste of time and money with your wife's current mentality.

I get you want to work on the marriage but with what you currently have to work with you're spinning your wheels and allowing her to lose even more respect for you because you're letting her treat you like a doormat. Which actually makes reconciliation even less likely. Women do not respect men who come off as weak and pushovers, especially after they've cheated on them.

I agree with others that you really need to have her served with divorce papers. That MIGHT be enough to wake her up to what she's at risk of losing. Maybe not. But I'd stop bringing up MC, working on the marriage, etc only for her to keep spitting in your face because as I said all it's doing at this point is making you look weak.

You shouldn't even be entertaining the idea of reconciliation until she SHOWS THROUGH HER ACTIONS NOT WORDS, that she is willing to do the heavy lifting.

Thanks for the support. To be clear, I have only brought up marriage counseling 3 times. Right after I found out about the divorce, when I decided that things were too volatile for us to stay together and that we needed to separate for a month, and then this morning. I have also made it perfectly clear that this wasn't an option if we were going to reconcile.

I have mentioned it previously but the state we got married in/live in requires that you remain separated for a year before divorce. Additionally, I talked to a lawyer a few weeks ago to get a separation agreement in motion in case this happened. But as many people probably know, separation agreements are not binding even if you sign them. It simply makes the divorce easier once you are able to file for divorce.

I guess my real question now is how do I let her know/make it clear that her refusing to go to counseling was the final straw and that divorce is what is going to happen? Do I call, email, meet in person? And what and how much do I say? Because if I am honest, there is nothing I want to do more than let her have a piece of my mind but I know that is probably not a good move. Any suggestions/advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

[This message edited by ihatechoosinga at 4:26 PM, March 12th (Sunday)]

"You're under the mistaken impression that I'm an option. I offered a last chance in the form marriage counseling. By your response,it's clear you are not someone I want to be married to. I am no option. I'm the prize. My attorney will be in touch."

I know your pain is fresh and severe.

I would like to tell you what I hear when you express your feelings.

Without going through your statements individually, it seems to me that you have things turned around in your mind.

The prudent thing to do is to weigh the behaviors, words, facts, etc., and make a decision accordingly.

But it seems to me that you have a desired outcome, and you are dissecting her behavioris, statements, etc., to mean whatever will support your wishes.

Whether or not an animal is missing another animal is a real thing. I LOVE animals. But you can certainly see that you were considering this situation because you were looking for justification to stay with her. Same thing for when she said, "Fuck you...you aren't even going to fight for our marriage!

That was obviously blameshifting, but you tried to make it a reason to reconsider your tendency to divorce.

The best example of this kind of thinking from my experience is when people believe something in particular as far as their faith is concerned, so instead of consulting their religious text of choice, they set about trying to find a reference that proves their point.

I am speaking from experience. I tried every which way I could to accept at least partial blame for my H's adultery. It might be an immediate rationalization, but it won't last.

Please try your best not to OBSESS about the happy memories, but rather be REAL about the situation you are in now. Another thing to consider is how fabulous were those memories REALLY, if she is able to betray you so easily?

Don't rewrite your history to be better than it actually was. It will cause more pain.

Remember, divorce doesn't mean she is a worthless piece of shit. It means you think more highly of yourself than to be treated this way, and the relationship is unhealthy.

If you care so very much about whether or not she is happy, just remember she was unhappy enough to cheat.

So sorry for all you are going through.

What a load of crap! Maybe I'm wrong but to me it seems like she is trying to walk all over me and call the shots as if she was/is the victim. I'm kind of speechless.

I think you might find a couple of dozen people already told you that, oh about what now, 12 pages.. just go back and take a read.

But glad you're finding this out on your own. Congratulations.

You need to get to a lawyer ASAP, before you take any action or have any more discussions with her...and get a VAR for your protection.

You know in your gut there is more. Stop beating yourself up. Just get your head down, 180 and investigate. Be cool.....as you can.

Tren0R201, I read that a while ago and I realized that at the time. I was referring specifically to the email response today.

I have already contacted my lawyer regarding signing the separation agreement. I have also gone ahead and drawn up a will, signed it, and have had it notarized to ensure that the WS does not get anything that is mine if something were to happen to me over the next year. Although that may seem a little extreme to some, my family personally knows of 2 families who are going through legal battles because of a family member dying before the one year separation was up. So I am not taking any chances in that case.

Confused615, thank you for the suggestion. It really helped a lot in letting her know that I am putting my foot down.

I know there are still going to be a lot of ups and downs but it feels liberating not feeling like I am in limbo right now. I realize that people have said this, but knowing that I have done everything I could do gives me peace of mind.

[This message edited by ihatechoosinga at 10:05 PM, March 12th (Sunday)]

So it appears you've finally had enough of her shit. Maybe your wife's boyfriend got tired of her shit too. So, now she's on the outside looking in at two relationships where she thought she was calling the shots. Might readily explain why she tried to blame shift to you about not wanting the marriage to work...

I'm not original in the least in saying this, but run. Run far. Run fast. Run away from this woman before you get trapped with kids or other entanglements. Your life will improve in the long term without her in it. Seriously.

I guess my real question now is how do I let her know/make it clear that her refusing to go to counseling was the final straw and that divorce is what is going to happen? Do I call, email, meet in person? And what and how much do I say?

Let me make this real easy for you. Do you want peace of mind? File for D - have the lawyer serve her, and let the whole thing go. I think by now you realize this is an unsalvageable situation. The easier you exit this toxic relationship the better.

With regards to how you communicate with your wife, it would be prudent to have it in a trackable format (i.e. email) so that there is no ambiguity of the dates and times.

A short concise message (like what Confused recommended) is best. Blunt, and to the point. No need for pleasantries. Don't put it down as a choice, or an option (unless you want to give an option that YOU control).

If I remember correctly, she has a degree in psychology.....

I wish you all the best. You will need it, when she turns around, and will attempt to 'win' you back once reality hits her.

I guess my real question now is how do I let her know/make it clear that her refusing to go to counseling was the final straw and that divorce is what is going to happen

I believe the one response that will make it clear that D is going to happen is when she receives the D papers.

If that by itself does not compute for her then she is even more deluded then what she has demonstrated by her actions thus far.

Sending strength my man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 10:19 AM, March 13th (Monday)]

My first impression with her attitude is that she is definitely not into keeping the marriage and even more than likely she is still test driving the other man/ men.

What makes you think she isn't? I assume you already know everything that comes out of a cheating wife's mouth has to be verified. Right? She is playing you and even that is half hearted.

I guess my real question now is how do I let her know/make it clear that her refusing to go to counseling was the final straw and that divorce is what is going to happen? Do I call, email, meet in person? And what and how much do I say? Because if I am honest, there is nothing I want to do more than let her have a piece of my mind but I know that is probably not a good move. Any suggestions/advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

Simple. You file for D and serve her the papers.

You are correct. Giving her a piece of your mind is not a good idea. It will just make you look weak and petty.

The opposite of affection is not disdain, it is disinterest. Learn to play it cool. She'll get the message.

If you have already made it clear that R won't happen without MC and she is choosing to avoid MC, doesn't that tell you she isn't interested in R?

Maybe this is just her non confrontational way of saying she wants the divorce but doing it in a way that lets her off the hook from actually saying it and hurting you.

My response would simply be that since you refuse to proceed with the main condition I have set down for R to happen than I have no choice but to proceed with D.

I am attorney.

I would suggest giving her a heads up this is coming. The reaction to being served by surprise is not good.

A simple text or e-mail that said she will be receiving some papers would suffice. I would keep it short and to the point.

Remind yourself of this: revenge is a dish best served cold. If you have any conditions for R I would reply with those if she responds to your heads up.

FWIW.

redsox13, I let her know in my email response to her telling me that she doesn't know when or if she will ever be ready for MC that she will be hearing from my attorney. I kept the email really short and to the point similar to what confused615 suggested.

Based on a lot of responses, I am guessing that a lot of people missed my last post or that it wasn't clear enough. I am done with her and this marriage and have made it very clear to her.

I know a lot of people have suggested divorce a while ago, however I knew that if I did it based on what people were telling me to do and not based on what felt right to me, I would regret it the rest of my life. I'm just that kind of person. But I have absolutely no regrets at this point and am as happy as I can be with my decision considering the situation.

Does it still suck? Heck yeah. But now I truly know for myself, not just what other people have told me, that it is for the better.

[This message edited by ihatechoosinga at 3:51 PM, March 13th (Monday)]