SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why don't you talk to her right now?

I've got the feeling you WW knows about the live-in girlfriend. She might have found out about her when she announced she was pg. In any case you do need to tell the gf but can wait until after you know who the father is

She is all ready seeing a child psychologist and a private therapist so they are aware of that there is some tension in the house and will work with her. But I just fear what a separation/divorce will do for her.

The only thing I can say is that your WW is very broken. The fact that she did this so early in the marriage and with such thoughtlessness (no protection), anger (I don't love you anymore...) and such underhandedness (while you worked and the kids were at school) and for so long... You don't know if staying with her long term is going to help with the stable factor. The truth is you can't trust her and are not going to "get over" this for years. There is going to be tension in the house as well as anger and frustration (on both ends). Long term would it be better to for your daughter knowing the unstableness your WW brings to the table? I don't know, I'd probably talk to her doctors about it.

I guess what I'm saying is that you need to think long term. Yes, it would be easier for your daughter if you stayed together this week/month... but beyond that, if this continues? If you wife become depressed again because she misses the OM? Or because you are angry? Tries to cheat again in a few months... That's not really a stable environment either.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 6:19 PM, April 9th (Sunday)]

I know I should tell the other spouse what I know, but I just really want to wait until the results before doing so. The wife is "appearing" to be supportive and nice to me. The relative calmness is helping with these range of anger I'm feeling. I know she'll find out eventually but not yet.

Today I took my older daughter out for lunch. We do this once a month, just one on one time with her. I asked her how she was feeling. She told me she was scared that we're going to break up. I felt so bad for her. But I just told her that Mom and I are dealing with some things, but to just remember we both love you. She is really effected by what her mother has done and she doesn't even know the half of it. Like if this baby is not mine, how do we explain that to her.

Your wife is treading water until the DNA test comes in, just trying to get thru this week like things are somehow gonna be alright.

She probably has realized that her options are very, very limited and mostly contingent on what you decide. Even if she decided to go to OM, he or his live-in GF may not want her and his baby(if that is the result of DNA).

IF she gets an abortion the other 800 lb gorilla is the affair and those issues which are still present but magnified.

Would you stay together as housemates just for the kids...? Can you share custody, can you afford two households?

Can you see the 2-7 years that an R would take, with no guarantee that it will.

Do you have people IRL to talk about this over a beer?

Surprised87

With knowledge of POSOM BGF's Facebook page you do have have the ability to contact her by email.

For most people on Facebook , you can send an email to them. Look at the URL when viewing their account. It will say something like https://www.facebook.com/joe.blogs.543212345

You can send an email directly to joe.blogs.543212345@facebook.com: if they have facebook email turned on (default is 'on'), the email will appear in the inbox of the email account used to log on to facebook.

Try it on yourself to verify that it works.

Note that Facebook messages sent to someone that is not a friend, do not go into the normal message folder. They end up in a different folder and are usually missed.

A phone call or letter might be preferable methods of exposure, but the Facebook email method will work.

As it is now ~2 weeks since DDay your WW may be emerging from the A mindset. I have read much and posted some in the Waywards forum: I have seen a common theme in that often it takes 2-3 weeks post DDay for the WS to rediscover empathy for BS and family. If your WW follows this trend, remorse rather than regret may be setting in now.

Of course many WS do not come out of their 'A bubble. The sample we observe in the Waywards forum is limited to those that choose to seek some form of help or change.

So a 7 year old understands that D may occur. That is sad but probably inevitable. If D does happen, I would suggest telling the truth in an age appropriate way. Mom had a boyfriend, so daddy and mom cannot stay together. At age 7 a child will have episodic memory, meaning that memories can endure into adulthood. I take the view that important early memories should not be of parental lies.

Stay Strong

I just wanted you to know that I've been thinking about you and your situation for the past few days. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to wait this out.

ugh! I don't know what to make of this.

Yesterday had been pretty low key. My wife picked up a few hours on her shift; Worked 2 to 11 for the first time in a long long time. She came home exhausted; she went straight to bed.

Fast forward to an hour ago. She had dropped off the kids to visit her sister for a few hours. I had no idea she did this until she came home. For the first ten to fifteen minutes she was home, she was quiet. She did the dishes, before coming into the living room where I was watching TV.

She sat down beside me. I didn't say anything to her. But I did notice her solemness. I know she was waiting for me to ask her what was wrong but I tried so hard not too. I'm trying not to show her any emotion.

Then she burst out crying. She asked me if I was going to leave her. I told her I don't know, but for sure if the baby isn't mine. She said wouldn't it be easier if she just had an abortion. I told her it was up to her. And if that is what she wanted. This made her cry harder. I told her there was no point crying. What is done is done, and there is nothing really to discuss until we get the results or she makes a decision to terminate the pregnancy, which I admitted would make things easier, but wouldn't guarentee I wouldn't leave her in the end.

We were silent for a few minutes until she started begging me not to leave her. She was just hysterical. After a few moments, I couldn't take it so I gave her a hug, but said I understood she was upset but this was her doing, and I wasn't going to promise something I couldn't be sure I even wanted. She said she was sorry and never met to hurt me. That he met nothing. I went to have a shower after that. I felt my anger building, and I just needed to retreat before I said something I might regret.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 6:33 PM, April 11th (Tuesday)]

The whole thing smacks of manipulation to me. She had sex with him 20 times and it meant nothing? A ONS and I'd find that explanation a lot more believable. She felt nothing, but chose to betray you again and again and again and again..... I don't believe her, but regardless of my opinion let's say it's true. That might make her even more selfish and broken than you presumed.

I think this is a case of a woman projecting the stereotypical female point of view on infidelity (EA is worse than PA) to you in hopes that you willl buy it (it's not that bad because she didn't love him, lol). Never mind that the stereotypical male POV on infidelity is that a PA is worse than an EA...

I'd say you handled that exchange really well. It may be true that she never meant to hurt you -- as the only time she probably thought about you in relation to the A was how to keep you from finding out -- but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt all the same.

I think it's a combination of both manipulations because I know my indifference is getting to her. It's eating her up inside, but I also believe she is really beginning to see what her choices had done to our marriage.

Reality might be settling in for her right now, but she sounds like she's still more concerned about herself/how the repercussions will effect her rather than remorseful for how she hurt you. As you pointed out, some portion of this is probably manipulative so way to stay strong.

My WH was apologetic from Day 1 but it wasn't until last week that I think he started to understand the gravity of what he'd done to ME.

I get a kick out of the statement, he meant nothing to me. After all if he meant nothing to you and you were willing to lose me for him, then what does that mean that I meant to you? I guess less than nothing.

So really he meant nothing is even worse than her having feelings for him

[This message edited by leftbroken at 7:52 PM, April 11th (Tuesday)]

LeftBroken, your comment really had me thinking and it makes sense. If this other man meant nothing, which I don't believe for one moment, then what did she say about that. I knew I told myself not to confront her but it was eating at me. So I went and confronted her in the bedroom. I asked her straight out if the other man meant nothing, what does that say about me. She was stumbled for words and began to cry again. I sighed loudly and said that is what I thought and left. She followed me and said that she didn't mean for things to get so bad. I pretty told her to shove it.

She said she was sorry and never met to hurt me.

She followed me and said that she didn't mean for things to get so bad.

She said wouldn't it be easier if she just had an abortion.

I agree with emergent8. It still is all about her. Everyone of these statements screams out that she is minimizing and not accepting responsibility.

never met to hurt me

and

she didn't mean for things to get so bad

translated means she didn't think she would get caught, that she was a cake eater.

Well played all the way around S87.

She didn't mean for it to get this bad?!? I think we need a cheaterse translator (checking Google translator).... apparently it means she never meant for you to find out that it had gotten this bad, FFS! SMH.

I think it's a combination of both manipulations because I know my indifference is getting to her. It's eating her up inside, but I also believe she is really beginning to see what her choices had done to our marriage.

The dictionary defines "manipulation" as "control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously."

What your WW is doing -- making herself out to be heartbroken and forlorn in order to play upon your sympathy and get you to forgive her -- is manipulation.

Your maintaining an air of indifference toward her, which is a way of detaching from her emotionally, is not manipulation -- it is self-preservation.

I found texts, and emails. She has been in an emotional affair with this guy going back to a June 2016. From what I learned the other man lived over a thousand miles away. I know for sure they had met a few times. The same day she told me she wasn't sure she wanted to be married to me, I found out the other man said he wanted to be with her and asked her if she'd break up with me.

It's not that you meant less than nothing to her...here it is in your own words. OM dumped her and you are Plan B.

Look back at your first post just 10 days ago. Remember how she was confused. Other than now you know everything, nothing.

She told OM about the baby way before you. So much for meaning nothing.

What has changed is she has figured out OM is not viable. She will have to move losing her other kids.

What she wants is for you to accept this child regardless.

I know I need to keep reminding myself of what she has told me. The only thing I believe is she isn't confused anymore, but just trying to do damage control. I want to believe she is sorry. So far and I have been checking she hasn't contacted the other man. At least not in the car where I have the VAR located. She stopped blaming me and admitted that I wasn't a bad husband. It doesn't change she cheated on me and doesn't change that there is now this unborn baby who's DNA is in question. Maybe she is coming out of this fog she is in and realizes that the other man wasn't all he cracked up to be, and I was a decent husband. Heck, I even stopped helping out so much. Even though she was home most of the day, and worked little hours, I used to help grocery shop, and do small things around the house to help her out even after working a full day. Since then I haven't done anything except pick up after myself. I feel unappreciated, and I want to show her what an unsupportive husband is. Let her see what her actions are costing her. I believe she is feeling the rejection and it's eating her up inside. Maybe she'll finally feel some remorse. If I have to me angry, sad, depressed and heartbroken over something that is no doing of my own, she can deal with feeling uncomfortable because that is just what she deserves.