SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I asked my attorney about abandonment but he hasn't got back to me yet. She's going to have all the space she wants in the future. Since I have gone NC except for the kids I have been doing so much better. No more worrying about what she says and why she's saying it. No more tip toeing. Just no more getting deceived and abused for lack of a better term. I will not tell her I am filing. I will let that be a surprise for her just like her affair was for me. I feel much more confident at this point. Obviously emotions go up and down still, but more up than down over the last week.

This totally describes my situation with WW.

You stabbed me a hundred times and then you acted like you were the one bleeding and the worst part was that everyone was helping you while I was bleeding to death.

Just talked to my lawyer. Everything has been filed. They are awaiting the summons. I filed sole custody with her having her days off every other week. I know that's what I should have done but in trying to make it easy on myself and especially, most importantly the kids, I wonder if I should have did that for each week. I just don't want a long drawn out process.

Wish you best of luck and mental strength. D day is the worst. Then it get better every day that goes by. D will make the healing even faster. Have some people dear to you in the loop to iron out any developments

[This message edited by goalong at 9:59 PM, May 18th (Thursday)]

Just talked to my lawyer. Everything has been filed ... I just don't want a long drawn out process.

That is beyond your control so best to be prepared for the worst.

Now that I've filed what can I expect WW reaction to be when she gets served. I am trying to prepare myself. She doesn't know I filed so it should be a huge shock to her current system. Throughout she has said things that hint she would be ok with divorce but at other times almost loses it at the idea. I personally no longer give a flying f*** how she feels about it. Just trying to prep.

I filed sole custody with her having her days off every other week. I know that's what I should have done but in trying to make it easy on myself and especially, most importantly the kids, I wonder if I should have did that for each week. I just don't want a long drawn out process.

How ever you want the custody to be, do so with the very best interest of the kids with the worst possible scenario that could occur. The thing is, dostl10, what is on paper on the decree is what is concrete in situations where you and the other parent cannot agree with arrangements after D. The courts expect some system expects that there will be flexibility between the parents because life just happens. It's just in situation where the two parents cannot agree on a given situation where the decree has the ultimate say. Otherwise, you and your STBXW can really arrange those visitations however works best after the D is finalized. If the STBXW finally pulls her shit together, dumps the AP and makes a go at being a more involved and better parent then you can allow yourself to be flexible and offer her more time with the kids.

Throughout she has said things that hint she would be ok with divorce but at other times almost loses it at the idea. I personally no longer give a flying f*** how she feels about it. Just trying to prep.

Here's the thing. She has expressed to you on occasion that she does not feel capable to be a full time parent, correct? Take her word for it and SUPPORT it. That's how you react. It's a bit of mental judo practice but you take her momentum to exit the marriage and turn it back on her. You remind her that SHE wanted "out" to go find her "happy" and you are simply getting out of her way, supporting her decision, and cutting her loose so she can go pursue it. "Don't worry, hon. I'll take care of the kids full time so you can go find your happy out there. The kids and I will be just fine on our own!" Now, you might think that's basically forgiving her for cutting out on the marriage and the family but what your STBXW won't realize is that you are basically handing over to her full and complete accountability to her for all her life actions and decisions to go find what makes her happy AND her choice to leave the role as full time mommy and your full time wife. All the benefits of having a supportive spouse in the marriage? GONE! She no longer gets to tell you about her day, or what had recently excited her, share a victory, cry on your shoulder over a defeat, be there with you for those memorable moments with the kids, etc, etc. THAT is what she is waffling over. Having a best friend. All you are doing is making legal paperwork to support her choice to not be there with you as you move out of infidelity.

wk55hn on occasion posts a fantastic article on how to react to your spouse/partner wanting to leave the relationship and/or go pursue the AP. It basically says to give her exactly what she asks for because more often times than not the WS come to regret that decision. wk55hn, can you post that again for dostl10?

Just be prepared that after she gets the D papers, she may start off by being angry. Then she may retort to saying how you blindsided her and didn't know you were serious, bla,bla,bla. This is when you need to be the most diligent. You might find that your WW has a sudden change of heart... and your not such a bad guy after all. Just sayin'.

[This message edited by Marriagesucks at 12:26 PM, May 18th (Thursday)]

Haha. Good thing i already know I'm not a bad guy. I had IC this morning and told the therapist and this is honest that I don't think I want her to say she wants to work on it anymore. I don't think I'd believe or trust her. I'm feeling pretty dead set on the D or I wouldn't have done it.

She's going to want to take it out on you. By engaging her you are consoling her. Remind yourself she has already chosen another man for that job.

Don't answer your phone that day unless it's a text about your kids.

Now that I've filed what can I expect WW reaction to be when she gets served. I am trying to prepare myself. She doesn't know I filed so it should be a huge shock to her current system. Throughout she has said things that hint she would be ok with divorce but at other times almost loses it at the idea. I personally no longer give a flying f*** how she feels about it. Just trying to prep.

dostl10,

Get a VAR and keep it on you at all times that you are in her presence. Record all your conversations so that she can't falsely accuse you of assault.

Otherwise, minimize your contact with her as much as possible. Insist that all communications be by email so that you have a record of what was said.

Keep good notes of everything that happens between the two of you and with your kids. This will prove useful if there is an issue as to child custody.

Basically, do everything you would do to protect yourself from a dangerous enemy because that is what she is or is likely to become.

That's just what I need. I feel like she's already been making shit up to her friends. Yup I get a little angry when I found out about everything. Said some hurtful things. Never once did I threaten her or do anything that could be taken as such. I kicked our coffee table but that just bruised my own foot. I tossed a picture to the side and it broke. But never once did I come even close to doing or thinking anything abusive. Oh this is just crazy.

Get new locks for your doors.

She moved out and divorce is filed.

So it's another day off for her so she's here hanging out with our son, then picking up DD from school again. I just seclude myself in my office, go on walks, do yard work. She comes in to tell me that she is going to make brownies with the kids later. Fucking laughable. She has never once in my daughter's 6 years said anything like this. Never once made brownies or cookies or anything with them. Who does she think she is fucking kidding.

Chappie, our house is a rental, she is on the lease. I'm not sure what I can legally do.

[This message edited by dostl10 at 2:29 PM, May 18th (Thursday)]

I am so on edge right now. My heart is pounding. I hate having her around here and the thought of her trying to lie and turn things on me is just sickening. I don't think she'd do that but then again I didn't think she'd have an affair either and here we are.

Don't trust her for a second...she could turn on a dime instantly, so you need to be prepared.

she is bonding with the kids to get a better deal Why did not you ask her why now that you have never done this before? Also tell her kindly her hanging around make you stressed and uncomfortable and it add to your current problems ( or any other way that give the same message)Looks like you are internalizing everything

[This message edited by goalong at 4:26 PM, May 18th (Thursday)]

I want to say something but I don't want it to turn into an argument.

I want to say something but I don't want it to turn into an argument.