SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My BP and I were together for four years and 1 year engaged. I had a three-day affair with a former situationship (two days of conversations and one day where it became physical). D-Day was July 8.

Since then, I’ve been doing extensive self-reflection, therapy, participated in support groups, reading book and personal work. I’ve come to understand that self-sabotage played a significant role in my betrayal. I never planned or wanted to cheat, but I was prideful in believing I had control over the situation. I drank with this person, I opened up about the problems and unhappiness in my relationship, received validation, and allowed myself to become vulnerable. I crossed boundaries that should never have been crossed. Regardless of my emotional state or relationship issues, I made those choices.

After D-Day, my BP initially stayed home for 1 week but eventually left our home for approximately three weeks to gain clarity then he returned with a proposal of 12 month separation, with a check-in after six months.
My BP has expressed that he fought for our relationship for years when I was unhappy by asking me to stay, only to be betrayed by the person he intended to marry. He understandably struggles with intrusive thoughts, trust, and whether he could ever feel safe with me again. Interestingly, he’s also acknowledged that he believes I made a terrible mistake and he genuinely believes I am the woman I say I am, that my betrayal doesn’t necessarily define my entire identity, but rather reflects serious behavioral issues I seriously need to address.

In August, he explained that he wanted to give me an opportunity, almost like an experiment, to demonstrate genuine change without the comfort or benefits of being in a relationship. That there might be light at the end of the tunnel if I show him the work. He explained that the conditions were more for his ability to evaluate whether he could trust me again than actual relationship-building. And of course the goal is for him to heal, for me to heal and do the work. Those conditions included remaining celibate, not dating, sharing my location, providing social media access, and continuing to demonstrate personal growth through a share note. Meanwhile, he emphasized were single so of course he would be free to date or sleep with other people. He made it clear that none of this guaranteed reconciliation and I’m not obligated to Do any of these things but His reasoning was that if I genuinely believed he was my future husband, my actions should reflect that regardless of whether we were together.

I agreed because I love him, understand the magnitude of what I’ve done, and genuinely want to rebuild trust. In August, although he was understandably hurt and uncertain, I felt there was still some willingness to leave the door open. He described the separation as an opportunity to demonstrate change and potentially rebuild trust. However, during our September conversation, our last interaction, his tone felt different. He was beginning to question why he should even give me another chance and if he’s being true to himself, if he doesn’t trust someone he doesn’t see how he can ever trust them again especially knowing I’m capable of hurting them.

When I asked why he was still considering it, his response essentially came down to the significance of our relationship and the fact that I had been his fiancée, "not his lil gf" as well as he wanted to honor what he told me in July which was to give me a chance to show him I can change. I understand that. Four years, an engagement, a shared home, and a planned future carry significant weight. I also understand that none of those things obligate him to reconcile.

But this is where my confusion begins. If the significance of our relationship is part of why he’s willing to consider giving me another opportunity, shouldn’t there eventually be some room for constructive communication about whether rebuilding is possible? Shouldn’t trying to rebuild have the same weight of significance? I don’t mean he should be fighting for me or doing the work I owe him. I betrayed him, and I understand that the responsibility to demonstrate change falls heavily on me. But how does complete NC for 6–12 months, combined with the freedom to explore other romantic or sexual connections; which he’s already doing- he’s on dating apps and posting being out talking to girls- help us rebuild emotional safety and trust?

I understand that separation can provide clarity and that he may need to see whether my changes are genuine without his involvement. But I struggle to understand how I can actively help rebuild trust between us when there’s no communication, no shared effort toward rebuilding, and no certainty that we’re even working toward the same possibility.

I’m not asking for constant communication, reassurance, exclusivity, or immediate reconciliation. I would simply like to explore whether occasional, minimal, constructive communication could help us understand each other’s perspectives, address concerns, and eventually determine whether reconciliation is something we both want.

I’m also struggling with the conditions themselves. I understand why he needs transparency and consistency after my betrayal. But remaining emotionally invested, sharing access to my life, and putting myself on hold while he is free to explore other relationships, without any commitment to working toward reconciliation, has become emotionally exhausting. I’m not okay mentally. I’ve been struggling with anxiety, sadness, and the uncertainty of everything. On top of that, I’m completely alone here as I moved to his home state 3 years ago for him. I don’t want to make decisions based on fear, but I also don’t think it’s healthy to spend the next six months living entirely on a thread while having no idea whether we’re growing toward each other or further apart.

Im afraid this experiment will only cause him to emotionally withdraw because of the betrayal and distance, and I don’t blame him for that. His feelings may have changed between August and September, and they may continue to change.
But that’s exactly why I feel the need to have a conversation now rather than wait six months.
I want to understand whether he still views this separation as an opportunity to potentially rebuild trust, as he described in August, or whether his perspective has shifted.

I want to respectfully express my concerns about whether the current arrangement is conducive to rebuilding emotional safety.
And I want to ask whether he’d be open to some form of occasional, constructive communication rather than complete silence. I’m not asking him to choose me now, promise reconciliation, or abandon his need for space. I want to respect his healing, but I also need to understand what I’m participating in and whether it’s emotionally sustainable for me.

I’ve already received very different opinions on Reddit. Some people believe his conditions are reasonable given the betrayal, while others believe the arrangement is unhealthy and one-sided. I can understand aspects of both perspectives, which is why I’m genuinely conflicted. I’ve decided I want to have this conversation, but I’m terrified of triggering him, making him feel pressured, or causing him to withdraw further.

My questions, especially for betrayed partners:

1. Would you consider breaking NC for this conversation disrespectful, even if the intention isn’t to pressure reconciliation?

2. Can trust realistically be rebuilt through complete NC and individual growth alone, or does some degree of communication eventually become necessary?

3. Is it unreasonable for me, as the wayward partner, to question the conditions or express that the arrangement is emotionally unsustainable?

4. If you requested a long separation after betrayal, what would have made you feel respected and safe if your WP wanted to revisit the arrangement?

I know I caused this pain, and I know I don’t get to dictate his healing timeline. I genuinely want to do right by him. But I also don’t want to confuse respecting his space with indefinitely putting my own emotional well-being on hold. And tbh, this experiment is affecting how much I focus on my own healing journey.

I’m looking for honest perspectives, especially from betrayed partners, because the last thing I want is to cause him more harm.

Gently, it sounds like he is moving on without you while he has you stuck pondering why the terms of the separation needed to be so one sided as his freedom to sleep with someone new while you play devoted wife back where he left you? I believe that's called "letting her down gently."
Maybe I'm missing the context but your seeing his new dating activity while you remain frozen back in time, months ago? Don't do that to yourself. And please don't "reach out."

This sound all so unhealthy and borderline abusive…

To be totally clear: If your BP had posted in the JFO forum on this site I would 100% have tried to convince him to end this relationship. That’s what I did after d-day, five weeks before our marriage and after a 5 year relationship (possibly 2-3 of them monogamous…)
But he didn’t, and here you are.

The first years, the engagement and all that are the period where we evaluate each other, and if it’s a first serious relationship we even evaluate ourselves. You felt something off during that evaluation period. Maybe nothing to do with him – maybe all you. But still off. Let’s assume you realized, understood and dealt with that in the therapy. The validation and all that. So then it remains to be seen if you want him or not.

The decision to separate for some period… makes sense. Even the condition of not being in contact for some time, although a year is way excessive. I would have thought maybe a month at max. After that, some tentative attempts at talking about the issues.
Even the conditions make sense… Except how lop-sided they are. THAT does not make sense. None at all. That is where I see the abuse. Now – MAYBE they were his response to the infidelity pain. We understand that on this site. But if this was him posting, we would be trying to guide him from the pain and/or using such one-sided draconian measures to ensure his happiness.

I fear that IF you wait for that year while he does what he wants, then when he comes back he has already learned he can emotionally control you in such an abusive way.

I have two suggestions:

First one is pretty simple: Walk away. Focus on YOU. Take what you learned and apply that to a new, loving relationship. Don’t look for love, but allow it to come to you.

Second:
If you want this man, then contact him (yes – break NC) and tell him that you have advanced in your recovery, and think the conditions you accepted are not viable. That if HE wants another chance at making the relationship work between him and you then you want to go to couples counseling NOW (next weeks…) and you two discuss a) if your relationship is something you both want and if the answer to that is yes, then b) how best to work things out.
This is a relatively simple question, and the answer is either yes or no. No maybe, no maybe later, no this isn’t what we negotiated. Yes or no. If no, or ambiguous then you turn off all notifications and move on.

First, I want to acknowledge how incredibly lonely and agonizing this position is for you, especially being miles away from your own support system and carrying the heavy weight of what happened.
It is worth reflecting on whether you might be hoping someone here would offer permission to do what it sound like you are already wanting to do, which is to break the silence and force a conversation. When we are drowning in the sheer anxiety of uncertainty, it is so natural to look for any way out of that discomfort.
Also, it is important to look at the specific, devastating nature of how this betrayal happened. It is worth considering just how deeply emasculating and painful it is for a betrayed partner to learn that the woman he intended to marry opened up to another man—an ex—to complain about him, and then slept with that same man. If he already harbored any insecurities about this specific guy, that dynamic amplifies the trauma tenfold.
When he dates others or puts you through an agonizing limbo, he is likely trying to replace you or shield himself from further pain. That behavior definitely isn't healthy or helpful, but it is understandable given the destruction of trust he experienced. At the same time, his unhealthy coping mechanisms are not an excuse for you to circumvent the boundaries you agreed to. It does appear that him dating doesn't seem to spark genuine empathy for that multi-layered pain; instead, it looks like it is triggering your own anxiety and resentment. Completely understandable, BTW. That would be awful to witness and know it was your own weakness that led to it, so I do sympathize with you.
If you reach out to him right now to negotiate terms or ask for clarity, it will likely feel less like an effort to build emotional safety and more like an attempt to soothe your own nervous system at the expense of his healing--if he is in fact seeing it that way and not just $h1t-testing you. Instead of rushing to break the silence out of panic, you could honor the timeline you agreed to and wait for the designated check-in. When that time arrives, if you find that you truly cannot live with the arrangement, you can calmly explain that the dynamic is unsustainable for you and make your decisions then, rather than letting anxiety dictate your actions today.
It says a lot that you're here, so I encourage you to keep posting. There's a lot of hard-earned wisdom here.

Why do you want to be with someone who has you on lockdown (so to speak) while they are free to date and do whatever.

I’m sorry but Reconciliation takes two committed people willing to do the work. And right now you have a situation where only one person is actively doing the work.

You can stand on your head and swear up and down your love and commitment etc but it’s not going to work. It will not bring about Reconciliation in any meaningful way IMO.

I think you should do what’s best for you right now. You can have a conversation w/ the BP but I doubt your opinion matters at this time.

Just remember your own emotions are important and you need to consider what’s best for you. Trying to R with someone who is actively dating is not in YOUR best interest IMO.

Grow from this moment and consider yourself to have experienced an awakening into your own self and your choices.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:32 PM, Monday, October 26th]

A lot to unpack here.

His "opportunity" feels like he's dangling the hope of reconciliation as bait. Bait used to trap you in an isolated, toxic situation that's masquerading as some kind of f'd up trust rebuilding/self-improvement exercise. To punish you? Makes me wonder about the 4 year relationship prior to your betrayal. The background details show you were already isolated, lonely and searching for external validation in a relationship where you were "unhappy..... for years" and he had to "ask (beg?) you to stay" BEFORE the infidelity. While infidelity is NEVER the answer to loneliness or a troubled relationship, his idea of reparation seems highly dysfunctional, and represents a dynamic of power and control rather than genuine reconciliation. Was there a lopsided power dynamic during the relationship?

Feels like you voluntarily signed on to his dysfunctional terms as a penance. A penance where you are tracked, surveilled, cloistered and remain frozen in time - reporting on your "work" (self-flagellation?). While he enjoys a codified retaliatory hall pass - an agreed upon punitive unilateral open relationship. But there is no relationship........ except the power dynamic he instituted - an arrangement where he's the warden and you're the inmate.

Stillinbloom, while it's entirely normal for us betrayed partners to feel immense pain, anger and loss of trust, his specific conditions for repair cross the line from standard post infidelity relationship boundaries (like transparency, remorse and accountability) into emotionally unsafe territory. IMO, his arrangement isn't healing the wounds of betrayal, it introduces new layers of potential resentment, jealousy and pain onto an already fragile foundation. In other words, his terms don't foster a collaborative effort to heal, to accept/forgive, or to create a healthier future. They establish a scenario of emotional submission.

Your isolation is VERY concerning! If you continue with this agreement out of guilt or because you owe it to the "significance" of the old relationship, it's likely your emotional distress, isolation and resentment (?) will only get worse. What about moving back home to be closer to people who know and love you? It's great you're reaching out to SI and Reddit forums for support, but what about people IRL? Hope there's at least one friend or family member you can reach out to for emotional support. Don't feel ashamed to tell people who care about you the truth. It's possible to acknowledge your mistakes, take accountability, AND seek voices outside your relationship bubble for support. What would you say to a friend or daughter who came to you for opinions/advice if they were in this situation? Bet people who care about you would agree it is not "unreasonable" for ANYONE to question his conditions or express that his arrangement is emotionally unsustainable.

Finally, suggest shifting your focus away from following the rules so he'll reconcile, towards evaluating if this arrangement is healthy or safe for you. When someone demands a retaliatory hall pass and complete control to "reconcile" the relationship is probably already over, but they want to punish the other person on the way out the door. It's okay to acknowledge your mistakes, take accountability AND refuse to submit to a toxic situation. When you find yourself agreeing to conditions that strip away your basic dignity, it's time to take a step back! Consider learning and growing from this experience, and carrying this personal growth into a brand new life. I'm hoping you'll create a new and better future for yourself, and not stay in a relationship that keeps you stuck in a cycle of punishment. Hoping the best for you. Take care.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 8:37 PM, Tuesday, October 27th]