SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t know where to start.
I feel depleted.

I don’t know what shifted in me, but I feel distant 1million years, powerless, hopeless, unmotivated, deeply sad.

Even if by a miracle, tomorrow my H woke up all healed and forgiving, I think I’d still feel shattered because… there is nothing left to rebuild. And I would knew the healing is a rouse.

I had this picture in my head, that our relationship was in rubble but we could use that material to rebuild something new. But now I feel like the rubbles have been pulverised. So I am lost, the cord has been cute, all that remain is the pain and anger (my BS’)

Members of this community used different metaphors in the past to make me see how things are (e.g. the cake one).

But the above capture exactly why I feel how I feel.

Nearly 1 year has passed, and it’s just all worse. All worse. We had a peak in intimacy for some time, better communication, I learnt things, worked many things through. Bla, bla, bla.

But now, it’s just worse. Are we even still human beings? Or just the BS and the deeply flawed wayward.

Even work is going sh*t. I have been missing so many days and important stuff (because they were triggers for my BS, although I am in a different setting now, miles and miles away) that also that part of me doesn’t exist anymore (being excellent at my job). And I don’t care about work itself right now, I don’t care about my career, what hurts is that another part of me is becoming flawed.

Until a week ago, after bad days, getting closer with my BS made me feel always happy and hopeful for the future. Now it’s like a void and nobody has anything left to give. There is only pain all around.

I look at my BS and I feel so bad for what I did to him, but I also feel tired of being a punching bag and having almost every conversation turning into another argument exercise of how it’s all my fault, how shitty I am, how the original sin was also probably caused by me. (My BS is not abusive)

And I know it’s all true.

My therapist gave me some exercises for re-centring myself when I start spiralling like this.

Please note, I know I am not the victim. I know all of it. But I needed to let it out.

I am not putting a stop sign because there are some BS members that I respect and always have wise words.

But please, if you can, don’t call me out like "well, what did you expect?" Because I am already telling myself that after re-reading my words.

I'm newer here than you, so what insight can I share? Not much. But, I am sorry that you are hurting and glad you were able to express your feelings. I hope others here--wiser than me--will be able to put a more encouraging framing on your experience for you.

I do wonder if you might be at a point where a therapist might not be help enough for you? Your therapist can probably guide you more ably than me. It's not my intention to judge--but if you are not already under the care of a psychiatrist, this might be an important and helpful time to seek psychiatric care--because it sounds like the difficult experience that you are suffering at home seems to have spread to a different setting--your workplace. I am a physician, but not a neurologist or a psychiatrist, and so: not truly a medical expert on the point I am about to allege, but--without having seen formal studies proving what I am about to allege, I believe it is possible for brain chemistry to get out of whack, creating a very bleak perspective, and to need a prescription nudge back toward better order--but I also believe it is possible for a bleak environment to alter brain chemistry such that a prescription nudge back toward better order in brain chemistry is needed. Far be it from me to allege that your experience of the world as you see it right now isn't real--but even as I grant the reality of the bleak outlook you perceive, I suspect that (further?) medicinal help might give you the strength needed to focus and endure right now until things get better. And sometimes, patient endurance is exactly what's needed to effect a brighter horizon.

Take care. Heal swiftly. I will say a prayer for a better tomorrow for you. I wish I was wiser for you.

Sincerely,

Unconventional

[This message edited by Unconventional at 12:44 PM, Wednesday, October 7th]

It’s perfectly normal to have a pity party here and there. Just because we created a situation doesn’t mean we do not have a right to realize how much it all sucks.

Exhaustion is normal. Frustration is normal. Feeling down is normal.

There are a few things that I believe made a big difference and the number one is a gratitude practice. And I am perfectly aware of how hard it is to do when you feel like this. But if you consistently choose to do even a minor one- lost one to tree things each morning and really reflect in it, it changes the momentum of our brain to start looking for those things, and it also means as we come across those things we can connect more with our appreciation.

That seems like a silly thing to say or do when your life is in shambles, but studies show it can help begin rewiring your brain within 21 days.

The other thing that is important is to know is when we are very low like this, that can actually become a pivotal time in our journey. The pain of things staying the same is worse than making changes.

One of the things I can see here is that you are allowed to make boundaries around your career or well being. When we respect what we need something shifts and it shifts all around us. So I would spend some time deciding what it is you need to function better and hold those boundaries.

You can only don’t you can do for your husband- but if you aren’t tensinv to yourself in at least basic ways, there’s little chance the well can replenish where you have what is needed to give others. It seems counterintuitive but our relationship with ourselves changes our outside world. If we can begin to respect ourselves by holding space for ourselves, then we can elicit more respect from those around us.

What you are describing is extremely common a year out. Everyone is exhausted, finding good things to look forward to or stress relief is not selfish.

I also want to say if you are suffering from anxiety and depression, there’s little chance is nothing wrong with getting medical help with your body chemistry as you sort things out. I chose to try exercise and I walked or ran for at pear 20-30 minutes a day, and that helped me feel accomplishment as well as replenished endorphins.

Spend some time asking for the lessons. What is this meant to teach me? I don’t mean the situation as a whole, more like when you are sitting with your pain.

The goal is to become empathetic while being less codependent. Meaning, you learn to control your own weather and while you can feel empathy and sit with him in his pain, you have to still honor your separateness. His feelings can’t just automatically become your feelings.

All my suggestions probably sound exhausting as your strength right now is waning. But you have to use these various tools until you figure out how to manufacture that strength and resilience and ironically that’s when you will feel more solid and stable to him.

It’s okay to rest and try again tomorrow. This darkness will not last forever but you are going to need to take the necessary steps to put the chains on the tires so you can pull yourself out of the mud so to speak.

I remember the struggle and the bleakness you feel, and it’s unwieldy. But you have surviving all your worst days so far and you will Coke from this struggle a more improved version of yourself. The best thing you can do to impact your marriage is to improve your relationship with yourself, find your boundaries, and in doing that you will have more to offer to him and your relationship. I am sorry you are having a hard time.

Even if by a miracle, tomorrow my H woke up all healed and forgiving, I think I’d still feel shattered because… there is nothing left to rebuild. And I would knew the healing is a rouse.

I am having trouble understanding the part that I bolded. If YOU feel there is nothing left to rebuild...then R definitely won't work. BOTH parties have to be ALL IN for R to work. I was not ALL IN for about 3 years after Dday...but I still felt there was hope for something better to happen so I was willing to keep moving forward. Are you feeling like there is NO hope even if your H feels healed and is forgiving?

There could be something else which may explain why just a week ago you felt hope...but not now...PMS. I would cringe when people on here would write about it...and would get AGGRAVATED when my H would tell me that I was experiencing it!! After a while I could see that everyone on here was pretty much spot on...and my H was right...AGAIN !

PMS never gave me such LOW lows like I experienced after Dday. The GOOD thing about it though is that PMS will END...Thank You God ! Maybe you can start tracking times when you feel like you do now? Or maybe you might be able to look back and see patterns? It is nowhere near as bad as before...but those hormones can sure be a doozy at times!

Thank you all for stopping by. It really means a lot. Just letting those feelings out and reading your thoughtful responses, it made me calmer (I also practised what my therapist told me).

Unconventional - I know you are "newer", but thank you for replying. All voices are welcome and I will keep a closer eye on my mental health. Sometimes this journey feels lonely, and this community helps. Thank you

Hikingout - I will never be able to fully express my gratitude for all your guidance. I will get back to your comment later on.

W2BHA -

I am having trouble understanding the part that I bolded. If YOU feel there is nothing left to rebuild...then R definitely won't work. BOTH parties have to be ALL IN for R to work. I was not ALL IN for about 3 years after Dday...but I still felt there was hope for something better to happen so I was willing to keep moving forward. Are you feeling like there is NO hope even if your H feels healed and is forgiving?

I have hope, I still believe in a happy future for us. I am not giving up. I just feel very at loss on how to reach that… I used the rubble metaphor because I felt like my H and I had so much to use for rebuilding. But for various reasons, now I feel the rubbles are gone, and I still want to rebuild but I have no clue with what (this is just a metaphor…). Or as if all goal posts have been moved overnight and I am disorientated.

We had some tough conversations on things not necessarily related to infidelity. A lot to take in…

Ha PMS… don’t I know about that. Thanks for flagging it though

[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 3:47 PM, Wednesday, October 7th]

Thank you for clarifying your post .

But for various reasons, now I feel the rubbles are gone, and I still want to rebuild but I have no clue with what (this is just a metaphor…)

I had read somewhere...something to the effect of...Don't be afraid to start over. This time you aren't starting from scratch...you are starting from experience. No matter how much rubble is gone...there is still a foundation to rebuild from .

Not too long after Dday my H and I went to a seminar about trust. One of the commentators started talking about how losing trust in someone you are in a relationship with is like having your house burned to the ground. All the mementos...pictures...memories of this beautiful house are now GONE. But...there is still a solid foundation that you could choose to rebuild on . Your metaphor brings back the mental picture we were given at that seminar.

What do you want YOUR life to look like? You can start from there . I literally wrote down everything I WANTED in my life. It didn't matter how crazy or nonsensical it seemed...if I wanted it...I wrote it down. It was actually quite cathartic ! I then tweaked things up a bit...got more realistic...and came up with a PLAN for MY life. The great thing about plans is that they can be changed if things aren't going as planned!

I wanted a happy and healthy M with a loving and faithful spouse. I told my H about my plan...and said if he wanted the same thing...GREAT! If not...I would find someone who DID! My H heartily agreed with this plan...and we have been walking this path together ever since !

Being angry is NOT a healthy emotion and can't lead to a healthy M. I knew I had to find a way to stop this INSTANT RAGE I would feel...but I didn't know HOW. I researched about it and found that anger is actually a secondary emotion...brought on by a primary emotion such as hurt...guilt...shame...etc. Once I found the primary emotion that led to my anger and worked on that...my anger started to subside substantially .

Pulling away from me when I was angry was not a loving gesture by my H either. I told him that when I was the most unlovable was when I needed him to show his love the most. I am sure it is HARD to be loving to someone who is in a RAGE like I was...and I did NOT want to be in that place either. It was almost like I was pushing my H away to see if he would come back. If not...we were DONE. It isn't logical...but that is pretty much how I felt...very ILLOGICAL! He could assure me that the sky was blue...but I was arguing that it was green and how DARE he tell me otherwise . It made NO SENSE...but NOTHING about this makes sense .

I honestly don't know how we survived...except that like my tagline says...we were two imperfect people who REFUSED to give up on each other . EVERY M is different and my 1st M didn't survive infidelity...but I am heartened by your statement that you are NOT giving up .

hikingout brought up something that I found very helpful as well...gratitude . My H told me once that he was going to have an "attitude of gratitude"...and what a DIFFERENCE that has made...for BOTH of us . A BW posted about it once...how their counselor gave them an assignment for the next week...to come up with 3 things they were grateful about toward their spouse. She started her thread with the title "Thankful Thursday". I liked it so much because it was a pivotal thing for us...and I never forgot that thread . Unfortunately...the M didn't make it for that couple...but having an "attitude of gratitude" is something that has helped both my H and I to HEAL .

I kind of miss what is going on if there is anything specifically that casts you into despair.

I can only hear the emotional notes so I kind of guess what you mean, still isn’t solid enough to give circumstantial advice.

About the emotional feel of the rubbles becoming dust:

I understand it feels bad, but I would say it could be good.

I know that is something nobody truly wants to wrap their head around, but after infidelity and betrayal the past, the history the entire relationship is gone.

Is dead and rotting in front of you two. The attachment was killed. Sweet memories contaminated. Hopes and dreams you shared are clouded by doubts, deception, abuse.

When something is tainted that much, you cannot save it, you have to let it die.

You can make attempts to rebuild on those ruin but the rubbles and rotting corpse of the past don’t just go away, they re emerge and haunt you both.

When I say bringing the ruins and corpses into dust and let them fly away in the wind might be a good thing, I mean it.

If you are a changed person with new self respect and self love, now it is the time to clean up the ruins of the past, sweep them away and show any shadow that was hidden in what you built together to your bs. So he knows there is no secrets anymore.

They were from the person who you used to be.
The person you are today rejects that horror and is no longer afraid to show it all, and sweep it away from the new foundation.

Once you swept away the dust and the ashes, you are at a ground zero, new ground, meeting for the first time as the new you with him.

If you are new you have a chance. If he is healed he might give a chance.

What is eventually going to be rebuilt, is not a new chapter on the book, is a different book and story entirely.

For him the previous book was a lovecraftian horror masquerading as a romance novel.

Now the pages are blank, and if he recovered he might still want to put the pen down it’s you and write the new story together.

I know everyone wishes they could turn back time and wake up from this nightmare breathing in relief that it was just a horrible dream, and they didn’t live in a lie of trauma and sexual abuse.

Many WS and bs lived it differently, one side probably living emotions that are in dissonance with the other.

The betrayed side is the worst place to be in this situation, because you have to choose between deleting the person you loved from your life and move on, or keeping both them and the pain.

And none of those choices will ever feel more than a lose/lose situation.

The choice to stay is always painful, but it is also telling you that they felt something strong enough for you to choose you over the unthinkable.

Burning those ruins and allowing the ground to clear, even if sad and hurtful, is probably a necessary step to not rebuild, but start anew.

Three points:

1) If your H still makes you a punching bag, I don't see how R will succeed. Ideally, he'd be talking about what he feels and what he wants by now, at least IMO.

2) I agree with Want2B. We don't rebuild by using the rubble we find. We rebuild by defining what we want, getting our partner's agreement, and using the parts of the rubble that will help us build what we want. Remember: there's a lot of crap in the rubble, and there's no point in carrying it forward. Ideally, your H figures this out early in his healing process, but it looks like he hasn't. It doesn't matter, though, who starts the process of defining your new M as long as someone starts, both agree on the goal, and both work to reach the goal.

3) Not a pity party, IMO. Sadness, yes. Pity, no.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:41 PM, Wednesday, October 7th]