SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

12 years of marriage. We Have a child. Recently found out my husband is cheating on me since 5 years. After 3 years of marriage his mother had moved in with us after her husband's death. There used to be fights because of the politics played by my MIL.My H always took her side. They were emotionally married to each other.I felt like outsider. Slowly he started silent treatments, stone walling and started to be distant. I was still in all love with him. In 2022, I caught him cheating by talking to a lady on phone for hours. I was devastated. He didn't give me any detail. I knew it was more than talking. He promised he will never repeat it. Then we moved to USA from our home country. He promised he will rebuild. But recently found out that he never stopped talking to the AP. He used to go to our home country every 4 months to have honeymoon with her by claiming he is going to meet his mom. The AP is a massage lady who used to work in spa and he had went for massage in 2022 when I was in my maternal place for few months. She is a divorcee with 2 twenty years old kids. He gave her a huge amount of money. Set up her own spa business. Sponsoring AP's daughter's higher studies, took a loan for a house she wanted to purchase and claiming that she would have paid the EMIs. Whileas he gave a huge down payment for this too.

This is a 2nd time betrayal. He was very cruel to me these few years. 5 years affair. So many big things he did for AP.

When I caught him, he is remorseful and want his family back. Want to be a better person and love me the way I want. He is a small narcissist and excessive avoidant. He says he was poisoned for me by his mother and we didn't solve the issues and he had resentment baggage. His ego kept him talking to me about our marital issues. He wanted to help the lady to pull her out of her problems and poverty and strayed.

Please suggest me. I am not able to figure out whether to stay or leave. I am devastated.
Please give me long replies. Badly needing it.

[This message edited by Liveandletotherslive at 4:03 AM, Monday, June 1st]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Do you know what you want?

He says he wants to stay. You can't believe anything he says, so what is he doing to show you he wants to stay?

Tell him the minute he gives you all the money he spent on her will be when you think about possibly, maybe, almost giving him another chance. I cannot write here what I really think of him. He probably lies every time he opens his mouth. Why would you EVER want him again?

@sisoon

He is listening patiently when I cry, shout and show pain. Even for 2 hours.

Earlier he used to say, he takes 90% accountability of the affair and 10% is on me. But now he says 100% is on him.

He is being transparent. Opened his phones, gave password of his bank accounts.

Where can I find what the things the WS should do.

[This message edited by Liveandletotherslive at 4:31 AM, Monday, June 1st]

@cooley2here

I think I still love him. I think about my baby. My baby loves her father like crazy. Maybe I don't have the courage to leave.

I know he won't but I have a fear that he might marry the AP and I can't stand it.

Plus I am in a raw trauma stage now. Close to finish 2nd month of D day. Maybe things will be clear in my mind after I am healed.

Can I talk to you privately. I don't see an option to send personal message.

[This message edited by Liveandletotherslive at 5:16 AM, Monday, June 1st]

Read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It will give you some great info on the reconciliation process.

Also the Healing Library here at SI can provide you with some great advice.

There are some great articles focused on healing yourself after learning of the affair.

I hope this helps you.