SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey guys

I hope everybody is well. After some deliberation (and one too many visits to Chat GPT without feeling the human response) I have decided to share an episode of heavily suspected infidelity (or willingness to explore infidelity) via this forum.

I will appreciate any constructive feedback, your thoughts on the situation and any advice in recovering and rebuilding self worth.

I will try and be as succint as possible. Two years ago I started dating a girl. It became clear to me she was still frequenting an adult dating website and I explained if she was serious about this relationship she would need to leave as I wanted exclusivity. She agreed, however, the very next day created a hollow profile and continued to log in for around 8 months before this escalated to a full profile with a topless photo (face obscured) and a bio which read 'cant seem to keep away. Been here before and had some amazing times with great guys, maybe its time to start looking again'. I am not proud to admit the following but the reason she was discovered on this site was because I felt she wouldn't leave and intermittently monitored this situation.

In the intervening 8 months from alleged activity on the site having stopped and a profile being fully rendered I asked her if she missed the site, needed what it offered and was told repeatedly she didnt. In fact all messages between us and interactions were great and loving and she would continually assure me she was loyal etc when we had this conversation.

When confronted about being on the site with some very clear signalling to others and an apparent willingness to cheat she informed me it was sabotage and she was so happy with me and she didnt know how to process happiness but had no intention to do anything with anybody and merely used the site for the forums and knew I would invariably see her on the site with the pic and immediately block her. However when confronted she fought hard and has pleaded her justification every time we have spoke and to me (knowing this woman as I know her) is gaslighting and some strange form of minimisation and manipulation of events.

I have struggled with horrific self worth since (approx 18 months now since discovery) and have lost the ability to not only trust others but my own judgment, reinforced by my lack of enforcing boundaries by not ending it. I asked her to sit with me to prove no interactions or messages too place with the caveat of logging in with me and not in isolation alone yet she did which only fuels further speculation the account needing cleansing before her details could be shared.

I dont think I can handle the ongoing impact of this any longer and I am seriously considering ending it. What do you guys think? Its a messy situation and I have handled so much of this incorrectly and know I need to work on myself quite heavily moving forward but your thoughts on her intentions and subsequent 'explanation'

Thanking you in advance for any responses

You’re not married and you don’t have kids. She’s been cheating your entire relationship. She created the profile the day after she agreed not to? She’s lying about not meeting guys on there. She refuses to do the barest minimum to prove she’s innocent (because she can’t).

I think her explanation sounds like BS. I think the most likely explanation is that she just likes meeting guys on Tinder and hooking up. Self-sabotage? Because she "knew" she’d get caught? GTFOH.

Run. Run to the clinic and get tested for STDs. While you’re in the waiting room, block her on everything.

You deserve better. When you finally find yourself in a healthy relationship you will shake your head in amazement that you went through all this for her.

I think it's time to work on that "horrific self worth," TwinPeaks. Are you seeing a therapist/counselor? I would start there. When you value and respect yourself, you make decisions to protect your heart and mental health. I'm leaning towards what Letmebefrank said, where your partner doesn't sound like she's willing to change, but if you're still unsure and work on repairing your self worth, I think you'll gain some clarity on the situation.

The first thing you need to accept is this is who she is. This is what she does. It is very puzzling how sick people rope us in. There is something she does that keeps you hooked. We all think we have autonomy but we often don’t. You gave away your sense of self because she is a master at manipulation. You keep trying to make what she is doing somewhat benign, but it is malignant. You are not going to ever have a peaceful life as long as she is in it.
I suggest you look at a conversation with Kevin Franke and a podcast host. She asked him how his wife and their "therapist" got him to go along with moving out leaving his children at the mercy of the two women. He was not prepared for the cruel manipulation they pulled on him even though he has a PhD. I have a degree in Sociology and studied psychology with an interest in personality disorders. These people are impossible to live with and people like you turn up for IC trying to figure out what the heck is going on. I have no idea if your ws has a PD but whatever is going on is slowly driving you crazy. It’s time to bail. Btw, even though I know this stuff I was pulled into a friendship that had me asking my husband if I was losing my mind. His answer was perfect. He told me to consider the source. Best thing I did was never answer the phone when she rang. Life got peaceful.