SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

10 weeks post DD, 32 year M. I immediately moved out ( he wouldnt) and said I want a divorce. We had a few stand up yelling matches, followed by a calmer period of low contact. He's always been an angry, negative man, angry at the world, throws temper tantrums and has a different set of rules for each of us. Woe betide I should ever raise my voice, and apparently I "always" make myself out to be the victim. He's definitely emotionally immature. I probably am too. The only reason he can give me for what he did is that it because I was emotionally unavailable. He also can't tell me whether he loves her ( also married, 2 young kids) or not.

So WHY ON EARTh am I petrified now that I've made a mistake by moving so fast to end things?
When I caught him I thought he'd respond with anger. He hasn't. He's given me space, he's been reasonable,is making real effort to reestablish his relationship with our adult daughter. Says I can move back in.
I'm so scared that he's had a massive wake-up call, fixes himself and after 36 years of taking his crap he becomes the man I always kneew he could be. While I sit on the side and live my lonely, miserable life.
Help! I need clarity.

Im sorry you’re going through this. I hear your fear and I can relate to it. In all honesty, the level of work it would take for someone that has had ingrained patterns for decades would not be overcome in a short time. Anyone can put up a performance for a little while.

Therapy helped me immensely through this process. It helped me to heal myself and to see what healing looks like so that when my ex was doing the things to try to perform and to get me back or whatever else, I was able to see through them better. Therapy also helped me focus on myself and better my own self worth which was much needed. I highly recommend individual therapy as you maneuver all of the emotions that infidelity brings up for us as the betrayed.

This was also a 32 year marriage. It makes complete sense that you’d be experiencing waves of different emotions through this process. My guess is that anger may have helped you lean into the decision to divorce, and now some of the other emotions that come with betrayal and the ending of a long relationship are surfacing too, if they haven’t already. That brings a lot to process.

Grief at the end of a relationship is completely valid. The emotional aftermath of betrayal is a lot to carry. Be kind to yourself as you move through this.

Why are you expecting a logical emotional reaction you yourself describe as emotionally immature?
One thing right away: Does the OW husband know of the affair? IMHO that would be the very first thing to do. As a rule – like in 8/10 instances it kills the affair. Now – if she’s having an exit affair and your husband choses her over his marriage… well… in all instances you are better off knowing that now.

I suggest you seriously consider what you want. I get it there is a lot of history, but your description doesn’t reflect a lot of love or caring. More resentment. Maybe now is the time to cut your losses and move on.
But if you want the marriage and he’s saying you can move in… Then maybe have a serious talk about the future with him. Get him to confirm the affair is over and if he is willing to work on the marriage.

If not, or if you don’t want this marriage, then just start the inevitable process of ending it.

Very sorry you are here. I will only add the advice to definitely expose to the AP’s OBS. He is in the dark and he deserves to know the truth of his M. It’s the right and decent thing to do. Gives him his agency back. Good luck.

If he has always been an angry person how is he going to be different overnight? We are who we are. He is who he is. That sweetness is because you pulled the plug on his little fiefdom and he wants his peon back. The young woman fits the bill except she has young children and might not put up with him.
I think you might enjoy your freedom a lot more than you think you will. Either way learn to say NO when he acts like a jackass. It will strengthen your backbone and possibly shut him down. On the other hand he might get even nastier. If he is a narcissist you can bet on it.
See a lawyer. See a dr for temp meds to help through this.

He may become the "man you always wanted" but it might not be with you.

He’s come to expect he can act how he wants and you accept it. Your marriage if years is the barometer — he will be that person with you.

Unless he really wants to change and gets professional help and apologizes and makes amends for YEARS, you most likely are stuck w/ the person he’s been. Because he hasn’t had ANY REASON to change.

I would base my decisions on the facts and who he is now. Hoping for a change and not getting it will set you up for more pain and disappointment.