SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post and I am still learning the protocol. Not sure if this is the correct place for my question. My profile contains my complete story.

Though the WP and I are no longer together, we remain friends and do many activities together. I live 10 miles from the house that I owned with him and he still lives in (he bought me out in December). I have not been back into the house since last November. He continues his SA activities taking women he hooks up on the internet to this home. I ruminate about them sitting on my furniture (I left everything), and having sex with him in what was my master bedroom, or wherever in the house. I've told him he should find someone else to be his friend instead of me, but he says he doesn't want to start over. I keep telling him that I am not recovering, after 1.5y in therapy.

In 2023 I was diagnosed with two eye diseases that could leave me blind. He tells me that he will always be there for me, and this is the main reason I remain his friend. I just don't know how to cope with all of this. I am paralized with the fear of taking care of myself solo, and at the same time suffering by remaining his friend.

I think you already know that by still being so attached to him, you are not healing.

And to heal you will have to cut that cord. Your medical issues are a real challenge. How long do they estimate until your sight is impacted, if ever? Have you reached out to resources to help you cope with that? There are organizations for the blind that can help you learn how to function with limited or no sight, and there you will meet others who have walked in your shoes. I urge you to seek these resources out sooner rather than later. Perhaps it will remove some of the fear of the unknown you are experiencing (and who wouldn’t be fearful!). I’m sorry you have to deal with that on top of the infidelity.

Also, I think you were wise to leave the furniture - so what you are on is not tainted by his ick. Not enough sage to clean the ick out of the old house.

So how do you cope? You start building new relationships, friendships. And start seeing him less and less. Stop being at his beck and call. Start building an independent life. Maybe volunteer work for the blind to help you learn more about that community? Or other volunteer work. Take dance lessons. Take up guitar. Adopt an animal. Get busy, and not with him.

He’s cake eating- and I know you feel you need him for later in life. But FIRST you need to heal. He’s let you down before, I hate to think you put all your eggs in his basket for your future.

Most of all, be kind to yourself. This stuff is really hard and takes time and effort.

BearlyBreathing: Thank you for the helpful suggestions. My eye disease is currently minimally affecting my daily living (I try to never drive at night). But, each person is different and between the ages of 70-80 things can progress quickly. So, I take one day at a time. I am an introvert and I have never really had friendships. I am working on this by looking into joining a bowling league and I have recently joined two fly fishing groups. I am hoping this will help me spend less and less time with him.

I am also trying to get my head around the SA in general. When I originally discovered his activities, he said it had nothing to do with me. This is so hard to believe and convince myself that is actually the case. He tells me now "I don't do that any more", which I know for a fact is not true. Though at this point I really should not care one way or the other, it still hurts.

I live in a rural area and I would need to move to a more populated area in order to spend time at a center for sight impaired, which is not out of the question, but it takes serious motivation to get started. I also have mild COPD and living at 8,000 feet is not optimal. I have been considering moving to sea level. Again, at the age of 69, this just makes me feel exhausted before even beginning the process.

OneMomentAtATime
Though the WP and I are no longer together, we remain friends and do many activities together.

This is what is keeping you stuck in a pattern of familiar.

I recognize this pattern as I'm living the same reality, without the activities. I'm his Plan B, C, and D. He is constantly in your orbit and ruminating makes it 1000 times worse.

It's very hard to get out of this head space. NONE of what happened is a reflection of you or your value. Absolutely ZERO of it had anything to do with who you are as a person. It's 100% about who HE is as a person.

I'm glad you took nothing from the home and haven't visited there. It's now a tomb to what used to be. Filled with "what might have been" and memories. If you want to be healthy quit being his friend. He has enough friends, you are his comfort blanket. He is familiar with you and no real effort is required to keep you in his orbit.

Throw him off his axis, and for your own health disengage, distance, and then you will have space to heal. He is making empty promises. If he were "always going to be there" then he wouldn't have done what he did, and you wouldn't be having this anguish over a man that choose himself over your peace. My WS says the same thing, and the reality is he would be there in an all out catastrophe, but at what cost? The cost of continuing to allow him to use me for "wife energy" and have less than ideal women as his focus? I've rescued him dozens of times, and it's a very lopsided mostly one way street. I provide and he takes, and I get to watch all the "fun" stuff happen for some other women that did nothing but show up. All of them have been a step down, not up, and the last one is bottom of the barrel, settle or be alone. Many men can't stand to be alone in their own thoughts. I have a plan to end my struggles and remove myself, it will take longer than I want, but it will come to pass.

I completely understand how and why you are worrying about the future. Be as proactive as you can and plan for a future that doesn't depend on anything from him. You've been strong enough so far to survive, now you need to take the next step and end your own suffering. You will adapt to the new reality of taking care of yourself solo. My guess you've been taking care of yourself solo already but can't see it.

You will survive and thrive but it will be an adjustment. Trust yourself, and I know you'll be ok in the long run if you plan for all possible outcomes ahead of time.

Ask your dr if there are support groups for eye issues. One of my best friends is blind from retinitis pigmentosa which came on slowly. She is very active in the national and state blind associations. She uses our local library for books to listen to. Don’t wait, get active. There are so many ways you can find support.

The more you find other people the less you will need him. Please start looking now. There is a huge mountain of folks just like you enjoying all sorts of activities.

Good luck and sending a virtual hug to you.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 9:22 PM, Sunday, March 8th]

One Moment AAT - I can understand what you are experiencing, and you're very brave to tackle it alone or attempt to. I also have eye issues that could lead to eventual blindness (it probably would take a few years though) and other health issues and financial problems. Not a good mix especially in our current economy. I also have no family and few resources, so I can absolutely sympathize with you. It's why I stay in this relationship after my husband's on-line date seeking and long distance EA of many years. I am fond of him, but it killed the romantic love as it often, if not generally does, and I think of us as just friends at this point. I don't really know or care what he thinks, LOL, as long as the situation stays stable. I'd like to get out on my own but....the world situation seems to get worse all the time and everything is so expensive. You know all this, I'm just saying my own bona fides.

If you don't have mobility issues (I do) perhaps you could start making friends or acquaintances, even on line, with churches, religious or spiritual organizations, political, maybe orgs for the blind - you are not at that point yet, TG, and hopefully you never will be, but they might have resources you can use now or in the future. I think you have to start building some kind of network for yourself as much as you can now. It's hard, but even 1 or 2 groups might help - to keep you from being isolated, and to have a sense that you might get advice and maybe practical help if you need it. Your ex might be willing and able to do somethings for you if it came to that, which is kind, but you don't want to rely on him. BELIEVE ME YOU DON'T. It's an awful position to be stuck in. I'm trying to save as much money as I can now from retirement funds but it's getting harder all the time.

The problem with staying involved with him is that it's a power dynamic. Even with kindness it gives him power and say over your life and what you might do esp in the future. It puts him in the driver's seat and you'd have to swallow whatever. The past and maybe the future. It might bring out the worst in both of you. If you've been able to maintain a friendship I'd try to keep it at that.

I think this is a common problem many older people face, esp those without children (or even those with) because we become vulnerable and without money and someone who cares, it's hard to keep going in our society. Our often predatory society. So try to get out, make contacts, perhaps some activities if you can, and maybe do some things on line, but do try to maintain as much of your independence - and your health, of course! - as long as you can. It really IS worth it. Good luck, and let us know how you're doing.

Frankly.....THIS is the real reason so many people stay married. And it sucks. I'm just not good at pretending.

Thanks for all of your kind responses. I never realized how much it helps to hear from folks that are navigating the same problems. It's hard to talk to family about something like this, though they are very supportive. My brother and his wife have been married for over 45 years and are totally devoted to each other. It makes me sad that I will never have this experience. But, I can only look forward and try to make each day better.

My heart goes out to everyone experiencing betrayal. This has been the single most painful experience of my life. I will never allow it to happen again.