SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(sorry I don't know the abbreviations)
I extracted a confession by forcing his hand. I knew he was cheating, gut feeling, the way he was acting, being suss with his phone and the crap he was saying. And after sneaking his phone I could tell.

He got a message while we were in the car. Phone was on silent but I felt the vibration. I asked who was it he said he didn't know the number. I put my foot down and said we'll ring it when we get home.

He said sit down.... And disclosed to me portions. Of which I know is a normal response for two reasons. To lighten the blow and worm his way out of the full extent.

Turns out it was about six months seeing the Muppet (I never refer to people as a gender or by their name when I have reason. That's been very few people).

Found out a few days before Christmas I was instantly angry that's turning to sadness now. Going through stages of grief I suppose.

Anyway I guess he admitted it because he was done with it. Muppet immediately said it's pregnant. He has one child and always wanted more. Turns out it wasn't the case, faked pregnancy faked a miscarriage (I struggle to write details as I'm embarrassed and angry and want to stop the hurt I think but I'm forcing myself. Giving him nowhere to hide and facing it honestly and head on!).

Initially he was drawn to the idea of having a kid but thought about it and tried to convince it to abort.

I went through the motions of worst case scenario wondering if I could endure a child. I decided to work through it before the fake pregnancy. So I went through an emotional rollercoaster thinking about the reality of it and weighing the decision again should I leave. Is already been through that it pissed me off that I had to do that again.

Initially he showed remorse, didn't blame me and admitted he was wrong, still does. Simulatiously he went cold again. He returned to contemplating this child. He spent two nights with it too convince her to abort apparently. Slept in the same bed but denied shagging it.

I didn't believe him but now do as I brought it up to it and the Muppet didn't touch the topic because I chose to bait it by belittling it I got no response which means I was right. Otherwise this thing would have tried to make me angry. It didn't attempt it because with all the lies I can read what's true and what's not.

It's been messaging me flat out on messenger. I didn't respond for ages until I felt able to. I began with addressing all the issues if it did have a kid. Such as me and my children being involved in it's life etc..

I did that for two reasons firstly to piss it off. Secondly I thought that the thought of what I was saying would make it decide to abort.

Anyway, I've tried to handle this logically. I guess only time will tell. But I'm triggered by everything. I have a mental response to everything he says now. From I've had a big day at work. To going to the gym, that was his excuse to get out.

I have explored things to try help retain the relationship. I want to talk about it all the time. But agreed on two days per week. Trying to stop myself overthinking and give him a break because it's not healthy harping on about it.

I don't know why I'm writing all of this I guess I need a safe place to express.

Mostly I want to know if I'm being realistic about working through this. I wonder if I've got attachment issues and why am I wanting to work this out.

I've left relationships before by just suspecting infidelity without 'proof' because I respect myself and my kids not to be in a toxic relationship.

I just don't know if I'm an idiot or not!

Mostly I want to know if I'm being realistic about working through this. I wonder if I've got attachment issues and why am I wanting to work this out.

I've left relationships before by just suspecting infidelity without 'proof' because I respect myself and my kids not to be in a toxic relationship.

I just don't know if I'm an idiot or not!

You aren't an idiot. You are trying to process infidelity, and betrayal. You have a lot going on with your (WS/wayward spouse) and the muppet.

One of those things would be enough to upend your entire existance. You have more than one thing going on and that's a lot to process.

Don't concern yourself with lightening the blow for him, protecting him, muppet or giving him a break any other senario that allows him to make excuses for his behavior. You are the wounded party, and he's the one that betrayed your trust. Let him sit in that uncomfortable space and own it.

Do you feel you will ever be able to forgive him? You need to do some soul searching and decide if you genuinely believe there's something to save. Does he deserve a second chance to hurt you? Do you believe he's being 100% transparent? Infidelity challenges us at the core of our being. It can't be bartered with, pleaded with and love alone can't fix it. No amount of effort will heal or fix a situation if both parties aren't fully vested in the outcome.

Don't beat yourself up. No one deserves to be treated this way. It's hard to heal, grieve and process while in the middle of the worst experience you can have. You are at a crossroads between what you want, and what reality is. The truth and the fantasy of what you imagined life would be and the potential of someone that didn't live up to the expectation.

It's very hard to let go of the "what might have been", and grieve. The death of dreams, hope and the future you imagined. You naturally want to work it out because you invested your time, energy, and love into someone and you don't want to walk away as though it meant nothing.

His actions are not a reflection of your worth. They are a reflection of him, not you.

If he can't 100% cut off muppet, and go no contact, you are fighting a battle alone. Even if he does that is he willing to work to fix what he broke? Is he willing to give up passwords, his location, his phone, and have you able to have full access? Is he willing to talk for days, weeks, months or years to work toward full trust again? Is he willing to go to couples therapy if needed and admit his participation?

Only you can decide if the relationship is worth the risk. Give yourself some time to find the path that is best for you.

Take 30-90 days away from him and let the both of you have the space to determine what path you want to go. These decisions are so difficult with the other party around you.

Be good to yourself. Eat well, get some exercise...

Hi Ponk, sorry you are here and in obvious pain.
It's a "welcome" to the club nobody wants to be member of. It naturally comes with a free ticket for the emotional rollercoaster you are going through right now.

First of all, do not worry you are not an idiot, understand this:
- It's not your fault
- You could have done nothing to prevent this
- You are not a worse person of the Other Woman (OW) because your Wayward Spouse (WS) cheated with her. Quite the opposite, you are the better person here, of both of them.
- You will get out of this, it feels impossible now, but believe me, you will see the end, and you will become stronger.

Nobody wants in this club, because initially everyone feels shamed. In time you will see it is a badge of honor, the truly shameful club is on the other side of the road.

Important now is to protect yourself, do not suppress your emotions, you can safely share everything here.
Here you will find people who understands you. You are not alone nor shall be alone, you will find empathy and insight.

ow to your issues:

Initially he showed remorse, didn't blame me and admitted he was wrong, still does. Simulatiously he went cold again. He returned to contemplating this child. He spent two nights with it too convince her to abort apparently. Slept in the same bed but denied shagging it.

It is NOT remorse, is shame. I am telling you not to be harsh but because in your emotional state right now is easy to be blindsided.

Remorse is guilt, accountability, understanding you did a horrible thing and you feel bad for the person you hurt. You want to make amends because you are disgusted by your moral choices and you betrayed both your partner and yourself with those. So you will be ready to crawl naked over broken glass to make it right and make amends. That is what true remorse and guilt looks like.

Shame is a different beast. He feels shame he was caught, while in his cheater mind he thought he was smart and brilliant into having 2 women at the same time for his fun and pleasure, soothing his low self worth with a "I deserve this" smug achievement.
However turns out is way less smart than he thought and you found out, so he is confronted with the realization that he is the idiot, and he is cornered now without hopes to justify why he is not just "A sordid greasy bastard", and his ego can't take it.

Shame is selfish, is "I feel so bad for myself that I made you feel so horribly because I failed at every level. I do not feel bad FOR YOU, I feel bad for how my 'self image' you had of me took a hit, and I do not know how to recover my reputation in your eyes"

That's why he went cold, is called dissociation.

He is not sorry you are hurting, he is sorry he is looking bad in your eyes and has no viable excuses.

Slept in the same bed without nothing? Yeah right. Look, not to be harsh, I simply don't want to feed the delusion that every BS tries to build up when hurting to make it more bearable: take it from a guy, I never have and cannot even imagine, sleeping in the same bed 2 nights in a row with a woman who is not my daughter or my relative and just talk.
That is true for every girl I ever met, so you can call out his bull...t right there. If it was a woman I had already sex before, even allegedly got her pregnant.... Ponk, you are a smart and adult girl, would you ever believe this? Unless your husband has serious impotence problems, he is lying.

I didn't believe him but now do as I brought it up to it and the Muppet didn't touch the topic because I chose to bait it by belittling it I got no response which means I was right. Otherwise this thing would have tried to make me angry. It didn't attempt it because with all the lies I can read what's true and what's not.

You don't believe it because your instinct tells you those are lies. We betrayed go through a stage of horror and cognitive dissonance where you make mind movies of the most disgusting kind, and then your shattered nerve system reacts to the pain trying to minimize and find excuses to why "maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe I am imagining things?" is a defense mechanism to lower the pain. The Wayward Partner in the early stages will ride this dissonance to convince you they are not that shitty, so you will doubt your own intuition and intelligence, and start doubting reality. This is called Gaslighting, is manipulation, preying on your pain and suffering to make them look "better" than the lowlife they turned out to be.

You already know the truth, it was cornered so there is probably more, and it will not be nice. Your best bet is not to chase the truth right now, because is the early stage and he is not feeling guilt, only shame. You already know enough, you know what kind of person your husband truly is. Is the moment to protect yourself and your emotions. That's the most important thing now: YOU.

It's been messaging me flat out on messenger. I didn't respond for ages until I felt able to. I began with addressing all the issues if it did have a kid. Such as me and my children being involved in it's life etc..

I did that for two reasons firstly to piss it off. Secondly I thought that the thought of what I was saying would make it decide to abort.

Whether is true or not there is a Other Child (OC), that is another innocent human being, victim too of this sordid affair. The real culprit are Wayward Husband (WH) and Affair Partner (AP) the OW, Muppet as you call her.

It does add to the pain, here in the healing library you will find guidance how to deal with this kind of situations, but again right now the only true focus should be you, your protection and your path to heal from this pain. Try to prioritize yourself, not the OW / OC for now. It is hard but you can do it, is to heal from the pain you feel now.

Anyway, I've tried to handle this logically. I guess only time will tell. But I'm triggered by everything. I have a mental response to everything he says now. From I've had a big day at work. To going to the gym, that was his excuse to get out.

It is natural, this is "the rollercoaster". Logic helps in the normal life. This is an emotional matter, it will not help you out, what "logic" tries to do here is called "rationalization" is a normal reaction, but it will never heal the emotions, not at this stage because you are having a storm right now, there is no logic that can sort through this chaos until it calms down.

It is time for triggers and emotions to run, they are trying to tell your nerve system something, about your pain and about your state. Individual Counseling (IC- therapy) can help you navigate through those, try to not rely on your husband to share those now, keep it at a minimum because he is not your partner and ally now, he is the perpetrator and he is not feeling guilty yet. Share IC and share here with us, we know what you are feeling and can give you relief and as important, feeling of being heard and listened to. We have been there so we feel you.

You are not Alone.

I have explored things to try help retain the relationship. I want to talk about it all the time. But agreed on two days per week. Trying to stop myself overthinking and give him a break because it's not healthy harping on about it.

This is strategically wrong, let me explain.
You are the Betrayed Spouse (BS). You are the victim of a disgusting abuse here. What you are feeling now is relational shock, attachment wound, identity and reality shattering. This is trauma, it is not just a simple heartbreak you get over it naturally with time. This is emotional, psychological, physical, your very body is suffering through this along with your mind and heart. Betrayal trauma is one of the worst kind of wounds a human being can suffer in their life. Not figuratively, it right there in the top echelon of the most horrifying abuses or traumas a person could ever suffer, is life changing.

Understand this, then think about it: you are the victim of a disgusting abuse and forced into living close to the perpetrator.
In abuse, the top priority is that the victim is kept safe from its abuser.
The last thing is that the victim tried to make up and please the abuser.

Your trying to retain the relationship at this stage is the second.
For your own good, stop this mindset immediately.

If you cannot put physical distance from your WH right now, put emotional distance, you need to stop the bleeding first, only later you will tend to the wounds.
There is a thing that is called "the 180" read about it here in the healing library, apply it right now. It means setting iron boundaries to protect yourself from the person who hurt you the most.

- He is not feeling guilty or accountable, just ashamed
- He is not trying to care for you, just his own selfish ego
- You don't owe him anything, right now he should call himself lucky he can still see you and talk to you
- Nobody deserves a second chance. NOBODY. It's only you, the BS who can decide IF to give the WS spouse a chance to Reconciliation (R) or if they are done and want a Divorce (D). You and only you are entitled to this decision, you hold all the power right now. Do not simply give it to him away when he did not yet earn it (put on the work and genuinely show he is remorseful, accountable and ready to crawl on broken glass to make amends for what he has done).

- I understand why you want to retain the relationship, is the shock and the desperate hope that "can we go back to normal?". You can't never go back to normal. What was before is gone. The relationship now is gone. The future you planned is gone. Your Husband and the OW killed it all with the betrayal and adultery. And you Ponk, you need to grieve it. Because it was your life, it was the most treasured thing you had, and it was killed by their selfishness and lust for validation, at your cost, you did not have a say in it, you were never given a choice.

- Understand also this about R: that the relationship is dead and things will never be the same, it does not necessarily mean you need to D or split. That is no doubt the safest choice for a Betrayed Partner (BP) healing -> Your H was selfish and trashed your life. You chose yourself and cast him out of your life forever. You lose nothing, he already took everything away. You will heal and gain a new life, likely a better one. He will lose You, your family and he will never fully heal from this. He may not realize it now, but it will hit him in the future. BS suffer first and deeper, but they can heal. WS suffer later and they will never fully heal. When you cheat you gain nothing and pay the price with a piece of your soul, for the rest of your life.

- When there is a change to Reconcile? Only when you protected your emotions and begun to heal yourself, when you recovered your lost agency and self worth, your confidence, your equilibrium. In that moment you are ready to move on into a new relationship (jumping right away in a new one usually only creates trauma bonds, a toxic relationship that is doomed). Therapy can really help you to speed up your healing (a good therapist specialized in this). You are shattered now Ponk, and it is normal. Before forming any new bond with a partner, you need to return to be whole, the Woman you were and were always meant to be.
The BS must heal the BS.

If your Husband truly realizes what kind of shit he pulled off on you (as in couple) and does finally come back to his senses (cheating, adultery, affairs are literally like a drug high, is brain chemistry, is addictive), remorse and disgust might truly kick in. In that case he might truly long to come back to you, if he sees what he had and destroyed, or his shame can be stronger than accountability and he may flee, be miserable and alone (don't worry, they always affair down, he did not enter funland, he entered a garbage dump and he does not know it). If that's the case then HE MUST heal himself. He need to come clean with you. He needs to apologize you. He needs to put in the work to make amends. He needs therapy to solve the issues behind cheating.

And even if he does all that, and pull it off, he still does not deserve a second chance. This is important Ponk, it's only the BS (you) the person who can decide if to give the WS a chance to R. Nobody else. The WS has zero say in this. Like you had zero say in the A (affair).

If all the above align and you feel you want to give your M (Marriage) another chance, then you can start the R process, which will also be painful for both of you, that's why you need to heal before attempting an R, or else it will fail, it will never be a true R, and you will face betrayal again.

I don't know why I'm writing all of this I guess I need a safe place to express.

Because you are a human being, you are a woman who has been hurt in her deepest emotions, because you are in pain and feeling alone, rug swept from below your feet, falling.

And this will help, it should help you to voice your emotions, share your story, feel heard and understood.
You see I am not trying "to fix you" or telling you "It's going to be ok", because sometimes, it's just simply "not ok".
And everyone else here can do the same for you: listen to you, understand your emotion, share their experience with you, offer you support and guidance on this harsh path you are walking.

Is what you need the most now. To be heard.
You have been heard.

Mostly I want to know if I'm being realistic about working through this. I wonder if I've got attachment issues and why am I wanting to work this out.

Because you are a good woman and you are trying to figure out why you did not deserve a good man, because the man you chose was capable of hurting you so deeply.
There is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken, your Husband is.
No matter what unresolved issues, because we all carry issues, it wasn't you the partner who betrayed. Your moral compass is not broken. Your attachment is not broken. His are.

Right now, and try to hear me I am not wishing you a D here, it is unrealistic. But not because your M cannot be repaired, it does not mean that. It's unrealistic because before fixing the M, your cheating husband needs to fix himself. You need to heal from the betrayal wounds. Only then you both can try to fix the M through a healthy R. It is possible but you cannot skip these steps.
- The BS must heal the BS
- The WS must heal the WS

Right now your husband does not show willingness to put a serious work on himself from what you wrote.
You need to see that before considering any future plan. Right now the only important thing here is Ponk and her emotional and trauma healing.

The rest will come, but only later.
Read the 180, it will help you.

I've left relationships before by just suspecting infidelity without 'proof' because I respect myself and my kids not to be in a toxic relationship.

I just don't know if I'm an idiot or not!

Your gut is very rarely wrong. if you feel something is not right, it very often is.
You left those relationship because it was the healthiest thing to do.

You thought the man you chose for life was different. He destroyed that reality and your life as a couple.

You are not an idiot, you are a hurt and wounded woman, with all the rights to feel terrible for what was done to you by your closest person, your life partner.

I tried to explain you a lot here, if I managed to give you some clarity you can understand why you feel like this and doubt yourself.

Is normal, and it will pass.
You can come here anytime, you will find a lot of people that will hear you and give you valuable feedback, empathy and guidance to reflourish as your true self once again.

I’m sorry you had to find this group. But we will give you the support you deserve and need.

IMO it is not the affair that causes the most damage, it’s the behavior of the cheater after Dday that causes the relationship/marriage to fail.

Have you witnessed any positive change or behavior — not a one time remorseful behavior but consistent behavior that shows the cheater is taking accountability for the affair, willing to make amends and do whatever it takes to help the betrayed heal?

To me it can take 40 or 75 or 120 days to see the results and/or even notice some of the changes.

However that would not stop me from having an exit plan. Just in case.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:10 PM, Monday, February 16th]

Thanks for your input it's appreciated. I guess there's real difficulty writing details accurately. I could expand so much further and include even more detail but I tried to narrow it down.

To clarify, I'm not defending his actions or trying to protect him. I'm trying to address issues in a healthy manner for both of us.

It's a pressure packed situation and I'm not one for amplifying that it's not healthy or productive for anyone.

Consequences and boundaries are more appropriate than punishment or belittling either of us addressing his behavior.

He has not once blamed me he takes accountability. He has not defended his actions or the impact. Undeniably he's gotta give me reassurance.

Having said that both of us don't engage in meaningless conversations and statements we're pretty genuine and forthright.

I initially was relentless raising issue at hand and he accommodated my needs. He'd turn off the TV and listen to my concerns and answer any questions.

Realistically there's an element of shielding me from gory details. And there's merit in that. Having said that I don't ask questions I didn't want to hear the answers to.

Has he lied amongst disclosing what occurred, yes and I know it and told him straight out I don't believe him and why. Relatively stupid things considering the act of getting it on with someone is all the details we need really. The test is almost irrelevant because the deed alone is the betrayal.

I know pretty much the full extent of his bullshit and it's horrific either way. Acting out desires selfishly encompasses hideous deception and forethought. I don't think he just slipped tripped and fell. He sought out sometime other than me for intimate sexual encounters! The test is irrelevant it doesn't get worse than that.

I know I'm an amazing woman with heaps to offer but that thinking naturally gets compromised and skewed. We have spent time apart and I do process shit differently alone compared to with him directly.

My aim is to discuss every avenue relating to this. And I'm the type of person to want to fix shit or arrive at closure almost immediately. I've gotta recognize my weaknesses and try to do this constructively.

I can see all sides of the emotional upheaval for everyone. But the Muppet took that to the next level. Another toxic trait it brought to the table. It's about focusing on the mechanical matters not getting caught up in almost trivial details.

He has ceased communication and only did so as we needed to deal with the fake pregnancy. That was full on for everyone. The fact she tried that on is reflection on her. Fake positive test. Then she realized it wasn't working.

He spent the two days with her to arrive at a decision which he was having difficulty with. He contemplated a family with her. That's something he needed to explore and that's good because I'd be thinking shit did he really think about this.

I know he did because he was honest with himself and me about having a child. We explored every avenue. What a waste of time and that's the unnecessary added shit from an unhealthy unrealistic individual.

The Muppet is truly warped! He is ashamed that he got involved with a moron. Is he gutted he got caught, no, it was easier than telling me. He had no idea how to say it. Was gutless yes but is glad the truth is out there.

This is all so difficult to explain. Yes... It is worth trying to salvage that's what I return to each time I analyze this.

That's why I feel like an idiot because society says it's black and white leave the mongrel! Well I actually didn't want to. Doesn't mean he gets away with this. Yes it is my decision. He knows that and allowed me time to make whatever decision.

Am I certain that's what I want to do. Not 100% but it's my focus for now. I need direction and I've gotta decide where my energy and thought process needs to go. Because swaying back and forth is exactly that. Sitting in a rocking chair, moving but getting no where.

The goal is try, the outcome could result in another infidelity and I know I will survive that it is a risk I've weighed and knowing I'm able to overcome that eventually makes it a calculated risk not a gamble.

It would be a blow but I'd be stupid to say it not a possibility. That's the question I pose. Is there genuine hope of building new solid foundations. I think with planning, hard work and commitment on both parties it's possible.

I'm not naive to think this has not screwed shit up. But I say to my kids there ain't no problem that can't be solved by hard work and communication. That doesn't mean reconciliation it means arriving at a definitive conclusion in a healthy manner is a successful effort only achieved by both people.

Spinning things like a hamster wheel in my head is not healthy. I don't need to second guess what his response is to my reaction. By interacting with him I know what his outlook is on any given topic.

I'm rambling and don't think this makes sense. Anyway I have five kids he has one. Ranging from 33-15 so they're old enough. Surprisingly each of my children said stick it out for a bit.

Interestingly everyone we know wants us to try. That's a reflection on us as a couple don't you think. Most people say dump and run but all our loved ones didn't I was shocked. That validated my desire to try.

The 1st wife thank you for your contribution. Your comment seems logical and practical. Can you elaborate on your journey a bit more? If I'm reading correctly you're still with your spouse. What stages were there and how did you navigate this? While wholeheartedly agree with the importance of the behavior post day! That's been challenging at times. It is a relationship regardless if you're coupled or not, you still need to relate to this person. That's the navigation part if honesty is at the forefront. At times he's been strongly opposed to what I expressed as my view in gaining stability. I was adamant that I'd have vip acres to his phone and argued my point and got pissed off he didn't agree. So.... Here's the relating part and work element of this! I had to take on board how he felt and why he felt that way. And I've gotta agree. I don't want to be looking in his phone but what other way is there? He couldn't verbalize it but since heated discussions about this he's doing what's comfortable for him. He went to the gym that was his excuse to slip away so I'm triggered. I called him and said hey I'm paranoid. He said ok I'm just at the gym (difference is when there's no deception you can hear the transparency!) I knew this to be true and was reassured by the phone call. But he immediately shared his location and was home shortly thereafter. That's the process and stepping stones to managing this in a healthy manner. Might not work but the effort is worth it. At the end of it I could walk away without doubt knowing that it was bigger than an affair. If I kicked him out I'd have separation anxiety. Shit would feel unresolved. If have a Nikon questions which works manifest into big dramas if I wasn't able to address each emotion as it arses. It would fester and be filled with assumptions! The fact he spent two days with her set me back. Infuriated me. Was deceptive and hurtful. But I do believe his rationalization and that's why I love him. Because he addresses things in a manner which eliminates doubt. I am similar. It certainly isn't what I wanted but it's not a fairytale it's not black and white when more deception and lies are added for the purposes to inflict harm. That's next level stuff you have to dissect. If he denied his desire to have kids to please me it wouldn't have worked. He always said he wanted us to work out and said I want you and the kids. But the Muppet put up a manipulative barrier designed to hurt us. He reflected on wrist he wants, the reality and the end result. He without doubt weighed the position. He made a choice. Not an easy one and one which could have ruined everything. But I know he took the time to really think about it I have no doubt. Did they fuck during that time I'm not stupid enough to think they didn't. But you know what, I'm assuming they did but thinking maybe they didn't because she would have rubbed it in my face 110% what she didn't say speaks volumes. A practice I employ always when communicating to anyone about anything. So... I hope he didn't. At the end of the day what they already did was eas6y worse. So I pick my battles and choose to try and resolve that issue because it still pisses me off a bit. But the end result is a finite decision. Look they'd been seeing reach other for about six months. Perhaps it was about closure for him. Perhaps it was the last horrah it's miniscule in the big scheme of things which we still have to navigate. I'm working towards addressing all of my concerns now so this may well be the destruction to being everything down. You need to make room for improvement and that didn't happen by piling up on top because it will eventually come crashing down if the foundation isn't stable.

You are open to the possibility of salvage the M, and is a legitimate choice.
You know the easiest healing path is separation, R takes courage but is feasible.

BS heals the BS
WS heals the WS

That's the foundation of any R.

You are set and determined to overcome this painful trial. That is good.

He cannot go cold, he must really heal himself. IC therapy is an important start.

Cheaters usually present traits of low self worth and people pleasing.
IC can help to solve those issues, and others he may have. When a Wayward truly puts up the work, it may get to the point that the mere idea of cheating is disgusting, that is the healthy place to be.

I laid down a lot before, hoping you find it useful.
Keep us posted on developments, he has to prove to you first that he deserve what you are offering: that's the biggest gift a partner could ever give.

Don't let it go unappreciated

I can see all sides of the emotional upheaval for everyone.

Are you trying, then, for a solution that serves everyone?

Your WS is focused on themself. They may be giving your some of what you want, but clearly not all - and what they're not giving is crucial, IMO.

You have 2 good ways out of your pain: 1) rugsweep, which is highly unreliable because that allows the wounds to fester and to make themselves felt at ...um... inopportune moments; 2) do the wokr YOU need to do.

The work you need to do includes:

- being honest about what you want for you;

- needing total honesty from your WS to R - you can split without their honesty, but true reconciliation requires total honesty from both partners;

- defining what your new relationship will be so that it serves both of you.

The best way through this is to find a solution that serves you. Let your WS decide what will serve them Once you both know what you want, you can decide how you will create the solution that serves you both to the best of your ability.

But your well-being depend on you doing you. It depends on your not doing for others.

*****

Some questions you need to ask and answer:

What do you want that they're not giving you?

How do they respond when you ask for what you want? (And you have to ask for what you want in some way in order to R. You MUST make yourself heard and felt.)

What are you afraid of doing?

What are you afraid of asking for?

What do you need to do to focus on how your WS - not the muppet - hurt you?

*****

Sorry. My time is limited today. I read you to be making excuses for not doing what you need to do.

Yeah, I mean that as criticism, but you've got time to consider my words and choose what to take in and what to ignore.

Here's my main message, after 15 years of recovery:

You can truly work through this. You can survive and thrive. You can heal. You may have to dump your WS to do it, though.

Successful healing isn't R or D. Healing is separate from the resolution of your relationship. If you make healing your goal, and if you do the work you need to do to heal, you'll know what to do with your M.

Why are you limiting yourself to talking about it only 2 days a week? For his comfort?

It's completely normal for you to be triggered by everything. Infidelity is trauma. PTSD symptoms are common. A month and a half or 2 months ago is still pretty fresh. On average it takes 2 to 5 years to recover from infidelity, and that's if the WS is doing everything they can to fix their mess. True reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress. If he wants to salvage or build a new relationship he should be willing to proverbially crawl naked through broken glass to demonstrate it to you.

Whatever he admitted to, just know that it's also very common that it's only the tip of the iceberg. Cheaters tend to only admit to what they think you can verify or prove. The rest gets downplayed or omitted. This is also a very common theme. I don't buy for a second that he spent 2 nights with the muppet and didn't engage in any sex.

He should be willing to discuss this with you anytime and as often as you want. I can understand you not wanting to harp on it 24/7, I hold back myself sometimes, but limiting yourself to only 2 days a week doesn't sound reasonable to me. You shouldn't have to edit yourself or refrain from talking about it. He betrayed you. It's a big deal. It doesn't matter what might have been going on in your relationship at the time, there is never, ever a justification for cheating. There just isn't. Even if it was revenge cheating. No situation, no problems, no circumstances are ever improved or fixed with infidelity.

I'm sorry you've found yourself here, but this is a good place with some good folks who do understand and care about the pain you're going through. There are some great articles in the healing library, and we're here to listen. This is a safe place to ask questions or even just vent if you need to.

Can you elaborate on your journey a bit more? If I'm reading correctly you're still with your spouse. What stages were there and how did you navigate this? While wholeheartedly agree with the importance of the behavior post day!

Yes I am still with my H and we have happily reconciled. The first 3 years of R were very difficult b/c I had to deal w/ the trauma of being kicked to the curb 10 days after dday1 of affair 2.

I initially planned to D him after dday2 of affair2. Six months of hearing him say "I want a D -no I don’t want a D" was a rollercoaster I needed to get off.

Backstory: his first affair was a 4 year EA that he refused to admit was going on. He stonewalled and gaslit me. For years! I KNEW it was going on but this was before cell phones and email so I had no "concrete" proof. It finally ended and was completely rugswept. Never addressed or discussed. 15 years later it’s affair #2.

Dday2 I told him I was D him. I had been putting together my plan B even though I thought we were R (which he said he wanted) but he was actually still cheating.

So I was very prepared. But all of a sudden he doesn’t want a D. After weeks of him pressuring me to R, I told him he could do whatever he wanted but I was not lifting a finger to help him. I did the hard 180 and refused to speak to him (unless kids were around).

Somehow in 30 days I saw significant changes that he made in his own. I didn’t tell him what to do or give any suggestions. I was adamant he needed to do this on his own to prove he really wanted to R.

He willingly gsve me access to his phone.

He blocked the OW and deleted her emails.

He ignored her constant attempts to meet up and showed me every email she sent.

He was in constant touch with me- if he went to a store and they didn’t have what he needed, he called me to tell me he was going to another location.

He stopped going to bars for a long time (w/out me). It’s where he met the OW.

He stopped all "flirty" behavior and recognized the disrespect he showed me.

He stopped blaming me for the affair and realized he was trying to justify his own actions by telling himself "he deserved to be happy".

As for me, I stopped being a doormat. I started standing up for myself no matter what. I used to back down to avoid an argument. But I no longer do that.

I developed my own life that is strictly for me. I have made new friends, started two businesses since his affair (both successful) and have my own social life and hobbies.

My PTSD from this is I now hoard $ as he was kicking me to the curb and I was not financially secure. House, kids, college savings accounts that needed to be funded, etc and I was wondering if he would pay the mortgage or support me & kids if we D. I’m certain the OW would have been very very happy to become an instant "stepmother" so there was that thing that needed to be dealt with (if we D).

I was in therapy for 2 years but I was able to heal myself and now feel I live my best life. I am very happy and I recognized that putting my H first was not always the right thing to do. I lost my power in the relationship and he took me for granted (and not in a good way).

I figured out his "why" and honestly his last affair was a typical midlife crisis affair.

Getting past some of the cruel and hurtful things he said (and did) during that awful year was very hard. But whether we D or R I still had to deal with it and accept it happened. Either way the BS has the hardest role — knowing someone you trusted and loved inflicted the worst pain and damage on you.

I hope this helps you. My suggestion to any BS is to reclaim your life and put yourself first. Whatever happens after that is your choice— but at least you are living life on your terms and hopefully with a truly remorseful spouse who will do anything to make amends.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:50 AM, Wednesday, February 18th]