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Being relatively new to this kind of discussion (faced it all alone), I wonder how many R are successful, how many fails, how can you see or spot where a R is headed.

The first R between me and my wife was obviously fake, even if we married 7 years after her betrayal, issues were swept under the carpet of trauma on my end and she never addressed her issues.

So I know how at least one fake R looks like.

Now she is trying to change, and this time is me the least interested party, I wonder if my detachment already makes this a fake R (I am not even truly trying to, I just mind my own life, don't hate her, appreciate that she is working on herself, but care very little, compared to what I feel I should).

What's your experience?

Hi BFTS - My experience is that there is an ongoing and....pretty inevitable deterioration of trust. Even if you want to trust - suspicion pops up at any likely opportunity and it really surprises me even after 10 years. And I recently found out....I was right not to trust him, he still has an EA going on long distance with the same person and exchanging gifts and endearments, shit like that....I've caught him in lies about it. But the next part that happen is the end of romantic love. You make still be fond of each others, or care, but....you're not in love any more. Love is a beast that needs feeding and cheating starves the beast. Even EAs starve the beast. So that's my ultimate end. For me, recon is a financial thing - it's about health and money - I have significant health issues and I don't have enough to live on my own, and no family or anyone else I can live with. So, right now I'm stuck. If I had the money, I'd move out. As I say, I care for him, I love him as a friend, but the romantic love is long gone and I think that's the major casuality of cheating....the end of trust and romantic love - you have to have some ideals or look up to someone to have some sense of romantic love. When you don't have that....well....what you have maybe, is a friend. At the end of life that may be good enough. I wish there were more, but frankly.....I wish there were more with somebody else, LOLOL. I wish I'd bailed years ago and that is why I am SUCH a big proponent of bailing when you're still reasonably young and healthy and could have prospects. DON'T STICK AROUND, RECON IS A TRAP. For most people, it's a trap.

I know you asked this question rather broadly, but I think it’s fair to say that you are in false R because your wife is still lying to you, won’t answer your questions completely, and has been cheating on you for the entirety of your relationship.

As I’ve said in one of your previous threads, your wife is love-bombing you, which is very typical behavior for cheaters who feel that they are losing control over their betrayed spouses. As soon as you let your guard down and she gets comfortable again, she will go back to her usual attitude of contempt and disrespect.

Being relatively new to this kind of discussion (faced it all alone), I wonder how many R are successful, how many fails, how can you see or spot where a R is headed.

I stopped trying to diagnose or armchair quarterback anyone’s M a while ago.

Because I warned one member about red flags, told him he should leave — he came back to tell me he was happily R’d and I was wrong. Another case, I really thought things were going great, and the A went underground, the WS was simply great at telling the BS what he wanted to hear.

So again, because my vantage point is so limited, I tend to tell folks to heal themselves and to keep their head on a swivel (at least early on).

My ‘real’ R is about ten years in and I am as happy as I have ever been in life.

R for me is simply M at this point.

The same tools we used to rebuild us, we still use every single day in our relationship (honesty, kindness, no games).

However, it was probably two years before I thought R was even possible, and then another year to fully re-invest and aim for vulnerability again.

The factors are many and varied for R.

Over the long haul, if a BS can only see their spouse as a WS, or piles up resentments, not much hope there.

And if the WS only provides lip service versus real changes, that offers problems if they fail to cope or turn away from the M again at the first sign of trouble.

I’ll never be happy the A happened, I’m very comfortable hating it — but I am happy the full reset allowed me to approach life from a more…selfish base. By truly going for what I want and need, I became a healthier partner (versus burying my feelings and hoping for the best in the old days).

I don’t know if any of my experience helps, but life is real and real good around my place.