SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Quick recap: DD was 8/7/22, I did IC for a brief period. Then about a year later I started IC for myself again. He was out of the house for about 2 months. He refused to do IC or MC. Finally after I had a "melt down" in April, did he start IC. Now that I have said I want a D, he, perhaps from his Ic, wants to do MC. Someone here brought up the point in my other post that MC could be viewed as solely wanting to fix the MC. While I'm all for fixing, I'm not so sure I'm at a point of fixing, I think I'm beyond it now. I can't forget, forgive, and love him like I did. So, is MC worth it for us?

What did he learn about himself in IC?

Anything?

Talk to him about it.

If he did learn things, then maybe MC, because you’re married to a new person.

Best wishes.

Are you doubting your decision to D?

What would be the goal of MC for you?

MC usually treats the M. Your M didn't fail - your WS did.

Even if you go forward with D, might MC - at least briefly - be helpful in jointly navigating the emotional aspects of divorce for your family? I assume your kids are adults, but even so, would MC be helpful in aligning on how to talk with the kids, how to navigate family events and dynamics in the future, setting ground rules for how the two of you engage with each other (or don't) during the D process?

Not suggesting you should D or not D - just offering a perspective about how a good MC might be useful even if you ultimately choose to D.

When MC is done as a last ditch effort by the cheater, I’m sorry to say it’s just a band aid.

A band aid to shut you up about it.

Formerpeopleperson, I don’t think I can answer that, maybe that he was in a rough patch in life that he could finally admit to, he was a police officer at the time and it was hard doing that job with all the riots and such. Though he retired early '22, the A still went on for 1/2 year more. He blames his job for sending him into this "bad place" mentally. Thank you, I will ask him what he thinks he has gotten from IC.

sisoon, I am not doubting my decision to D. I’ve agreed to MC because I will get to say I tried everything to save our marriage starting at DD. He only did the work 2-1/2 years+ later when he thought I was going to want a D. I feel like he is grasping at every straw now to "keep me". Including sending me things he’s written telling me he can’t live without me, we’re soul mates, blah blah blah.

Arnold01, yes my IC said MC could even help navigate the emotions of D. Our sons are adults but still live with us while attending college. So it will impact them. Thank you, helpful insight.

The1stWife, I think I agree with you. Trying to decide if I should allow this bandaid, at least for a bit. As I told my IC, this could be entertaining. I’m sorry to say that, but this guy made a lot of mistakes and lies!

Thanks everyone!

Most MC is not covered by any kind of insurance, and it's expensive, so you're going to pay a lot for this entertainment on top of divorce costs, which are also very expensive.

I know the desperation song and dance, Possumlover, having seen it done for about 6 months last year. As you see from my other post, this man who was ready to "do anything" to save our marriage less than a year ago is now ready to start dating.

If you truly believe you "can't forget, forgive, and love him" like you did, why bother with MC? Save your money for IC, and if necessary, get a family therapist who can talk to you, him, and your sons together. An MC isn't the best person to help with that. If you feel like you could grow new feelings for him again, then MC might be worthwhile, but as Formerpeopleperson advised, first examine whether you think he has really learned and changed from his own IC.

PossumLover, you made your decision to divorce and you should stick to it.

As a reminder, you didn't make this decision lightly. You took reconciliation seriously. You communicated your needs clearly, you gave your husband many chances to do what he needed to do to be a better partner, to get help, and work on the marriage... more opportunities than a person who cheated for 1.5 years and brought home an STD deserves. I also recall from your previous threads that you told him that you were considering divorce but that still didn't knock any sense into him.

Your husband has no reason to be blindsided by your decision. If he's surprised, it's because he is so self-absorbed, arrogant, and secure in his belief that you would never leave him that he didn't take you seriously. He thought he could just wait you out until you "got over it" (ie, resigned yourself to rugsweeping and accepting a subpart relationship).

He's only proposing MC now because he doesn't want to take responsibility for the marriage ending. He wants to be able to tell himself and others that the divorce is happening not because of his cheating and his lack of effort in reconciliation but because you "gave up."

So to answer your question if MC is worth it for you, no, it is not. Save your money for a lawyer and for your new future.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:06 PM, Thursday, January 22nd]

Blue really said what I didn't add to my reasons why MC for you is going to complicate as much as it may help. Sit with everything we have said and really weigh the benefits versus the possible further pain it may cause you down the road.

I can tell you that my advice also comes from the day after D-Day 1, which by the way, happened IN our MC's office when she urged him to stop weaseling around and tell me the truth - after a month of fictional accounts he kept elaborating on! That devastating day, I had called an IC right after I called a lawyer, to ask about IC for me. (I was highly disgusted with our MC who had also done 12 weeks of pre-Marital counseling with us, because she DIDN'T DO IC! Her goal was to heal which she perceived as a hopeful long-term relationship, so she was happy to give him a pass on any yellow flags I'd raised during those sessions! I'd tried to break off dating a man who gave me so many lukewarm signals and as Blue just alluded to, who didn't seem to take my time and goals seriously. She disregarded MY valid concerns.)

Anyway, the IC I called after my marriage blew up heard my story briefly and her over-the-phone reaction stunned me: she asked me "WHAT are you even DOING wanting to stay with a man who would do what he has?" She didn't know the part where at age 48 I had quit my well-paid career, so by then I'd been out of my line of work for two years. I'd gladly left it all behind to travel with him in his job, which was almost constant travel. AND she didn't know that we'd just signed a jumbo joint mortgage pledging MY house to buy US a bigger place he wanted. So HE was the breadwinner in my entire life right then and I know now THAT was why I went along with SAWH's MC idea! I didn't tell her any of that, and I was too scared of what would happen to my life if I listened to her!

So I just went along with SAWH's suggestion that we start over with a NEW, male MC and we did THAT instead - for a year. And all of it it was of zero help to ME, just more lost time. Twelve years later, it was the same story all over again. I didn't bother with MC after D-Day 2, just saw a lawyer and did a property settlement agreement, pronto.

This is where my advice to you is coming from. You're pretty much at that crossroad now. I'd say "Do as Blue and others have laid out for you."

NoThanksForTheMemories, yup, thank you. I did tell him this morning after reading the posts here that I wasn't sure MC would really help me. How can ANYONE change the way I feel. And yes, I was wondering if there was a difference between MC and family therapist. Thank you for that thought.

BluerThanBlue, you are so right. I do really believe he just thinks I will never leave him. I think he is still holding onto that, even through the last week. I told him today I was canceling the trip we had planned in February and he just said, wait, let's talk about this! DUDE!

"He's only proposing MC now because he doesn't want to take responsibility for the marriage ending. He wants to be able to tell himself and others that the divorce is happening not because of his cheating and his lack of effort in reconciliation but because you "gave up." ==== I completely believe this is true also! I have even had that talk with him that I will be the one everyone "blames" for the failed marriage. He said he'd make sure that won't happen, but no one wants to be the bad guy!

Superesse, thank you for your thoughts. What a crazy story! I did wonder if doing MC would just dredge up even more heartache and cause a lot more anger. Thanks for bringing that up.

It appears there is a very clear consensus of those that have been here, and that is not to do MC. Waste of time, money, energy. Thank you all for your support and thoughts, I very much appreciate it!