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Just read the post "Honey, they always affair down." Our D-day was December 7th, 2025. He's a public figure and owner of a company. The OW is beautiful, younger, a real asset to the company but other than those qualities she's a snake. No one in the company likes her and no one in her family likes her. We're building back our marriage. He's repentant and accepts all blame. He's accepting all restrictions... no communication, firing her, etc. He answers all my questions and says he would do anything for me. He was wrong and I know he was the one who walked down the aisle with me, but he is repentant. My anger is toward her. She would send me birthday messages every year. Mother's Day messages. I never initiated messages to her. Why would she send messages to me knowing she was having sex w my husband? We live in another country and the women here are very forward. They throw themselves at my husband and she was calculating. From her Instagram pictures, I understand now that she wanted to be the stepmother of my children and co-owner of my husband's business. I'm not excusing him. I know he accepted her advances. But I am so angry with her. I wrote her and asked her if it was possible I had a VD and she wouldn't even answer me. I got tested and I'm all clear, but it still makes me very angry that she didn't answer when she would send me unsolicitated birthday wishes. Her husband is sometimes abusive to her and I don't think it would be a good idea to tell him. But everything I'm reading here says to do it. I'm so angry. I want to hurt her. But even though I want to hurt her, I don't want to hurt her by telling her husband bc he might hurt her physically. I know she is hurting more than me. She's lost her love affair of 5 years and she's lost her job.. My husband was her unoficial counselor. The day I discovered their conversations, he was counseling her about how to get along with her husband who had come home drunk that day. He fired her Monday. It has taken so long bc first he had to understand that was the right thing to do and then the firing process had to go through our lawyer. Am I alone in this intense anger tower the OW? I really don't think it's the right thing to tell her husband. Am I wrong? How do I stop obsessing about her? When will these obtrusive thoughts stop?

Oh my, I really advise telling the other spouse. He has a right to know his reality. He has a right to know the danger she puts him in. Why do you think he would hurt her? Maybe because of the anger you feel?

He has a right to know who his wife is and have the opportunity to either repair marriage or find a woman who is loyal. Please tell him.

Her husband is sometimes abusive to her and I don't think it would be a good idea to tell him.

What’s your source for this? If it’s from her or from what she told your wayward husband remember that cheaters lie and rarely will they tolerate being the villain in their own story.

I know she is hurting more than me. She's lost her love affair of 5 years and she's lost her job.

This is almost certainly not true, and sadly you will discover this over time. Betrayal is its own unique pain.

Her husband deserves the truth. You do not know the future or what he will do. I would communicate the truth to him immediately. Besides - it is highly likely that she will try and reignite this affair at some point. An informed BS is a useful tool for ensuring NC. Do not tell him out of revenge against the OW, but rather out of compassion for a BS who has been forced to live a lie. If he truly is a drunk, perhaps it’s because she has withdrawn herself from him and he’s internalizing her rejection. All you know is that she and husband lied repeatedly to you. I would not trust a word out of their mouths concerning the affair.

Why do you think he would hurt her? Maybe because of the anger you feel?

The day that I discovered their messages, she was texting my husband bc her husband had come home drunk. She has called the police on him several times. I read through my husband and her texts and saw evidence.

What’s your source for this? She has worked for my husband's company for 7 years. I know her. I know him. My husband has told me about her husband and their problems for years. I'm not only afraid of what he might do to her but of what he might do to my husband and our company.

This is almost certainly not true, and sadly you will discover this over time. Betrayal is its own unique pain.

I am certainly feeling it.

I’m so sorry that you’re here and that this has happened. My WH also engaged in a long-term affair. They are a special type of hell.

As was already asked, where did the information about her supposedly abusive husband come from? Remember that cheaters lie. She has lied to your WS and to you for 5 years.

Many BS have been told that the other betrayed spouse was potentially abusive to paint themselves as victims and justify their behavior. They’ve also done this to discourage disclosure.

Ask yourself, if she is so worried about violence from her spouse, wouldn’t engaging in an affair for 5 years seem too dangerous to risk? Her spouse could have found out at any moment over those 5 years. The fear of his supposed abuse doesn’t seem to have deterred her for a single second in that regard. And if your WS was truly convinced that the OBS was physically abusive, would he have really engaged in such risky behavior with her—putting her AND himself and his family at risk of physical violence? Why would your WS not have sought real help and protection for her if he was really convinced that she was in physical danger instead of playing her knight in shining armor and soothing her with sex?

At this point, you shouldn’t take anything that she says at face value and honestly, your WH has lied to you for years as well to protect himself and their affair, so you can’t really completely believe him at this point either.

The OBS has a right to know the truth of his life and his marriage. He is now the only person still kept in the dark by ALL of you. How would you feel if he had found the truth and decided that you didn’t have a right to know?

Most likely, your WH and the affair partner are protecting themselves by saying that he is abusive. Your WH risked everything: his company, his reputation, his marriage, his family. He did that to have an affair with this person and so did she. Please don’t waste your sympathy on her and tell yourself that SHE’S the one who’s losing the most. She had 5 years to consider changing course, and she never did. Neither did your WH.

It’s early days for you right now. Your head and heart are reeling, and you’re still hearing affair narrative from your WH. This is very typical, but you need to consider that much of it is likely half true or outright not true. Cheaters tell themselves many lies to excuse continuing with the affair for so long.

You don’t have to decide on this right now, but I highly recommend that you begin to take what your WS says—ALL of it—with much more skepticism and questioning. He has to come out of the fog of his own and their lies himself before he’ll begin to unravel the lies that supported their fantasy world for 5 years.

Give yourself time and space to really think and examine what he’s saying rather than letting him talk you into buying every word. Your WH isn’t a child who can’t resist all the horrible women who throw themselves at him. He’s a grown man who chose a dishonest and dishonorable course and maintained it at your expense for 5 years. He saw himself as her big, strong counselor and protector rather than the person who was actively harming her marriage and her spouse. That takes a lot of twisted thinking that he’ll need quite a lot of time to figure out.

I hope you’ll consider counseling for both of you individually. He especially needs to figure out how he got here and what about him makes him capable of behaving in such dishonest and sneaky ways.

Hugs of strength to you, 456tree456. This is a long road to walk to recovery, and you’re just beginning. You will get great support and advice here. Take what helps you and leave the rest.

456,

Maybe you’re worried her husband will dump her, and she’ll be more available for your husband, and more aggressive.

You know what?

You might as well find that out, and sooner is better than later.

Best wishes.

I understand your concern about the OBS coming after your H. It is a very real possibility.

Only you know the situation and can judge the right steps to take. You could have a neutral trusted third party tell the Other Betrayed Spouse his wife had an affair. Provide some tangible evidence.

Maybe the OBS is not violent but controlling b/c his wife has cheated more than once.

Thank you NowWhat106

I’m so sorry that you’re here and that this has happened. My WH also engaged in a long-term affair. They are a special type of hell.

I agree. A special type of hell.

As was already asked, where did the information about her supposedly abusive husband come from?

The day I found out, I saw text messages between them and she was telling my WH about how her husband had come home drunk. She's turned him into the police. I've know her for 7 years. I don't think this information is false. They've been having problems since bf the affair.

Ask yourself, if she is so worried about violence from her spouse, wouldn’t engaging in an affair for 5 years seem too dangerous to risk? Her spouse could have found out at any moment over those 5 years. The fear of his supposed abuse doesn’t seem to have deterred her for a single second in that regard. And if your WS was truly convinced that the OBS was physically abusive, would he have really engaged in such risky behavior with her—putting her AND himself and his family at risk of physical violence? Why would your WS not have sought real help and protection for her if he was really convinced that she was in physical danger instead of playing her knight in shining armor and soothing her with sex?

I understand. Will think on this.

At this point, you shouldn’t take anything that she says at face value and honestly, your WH has lied to you for years as well to protect himself and their affair, so you can’t really completely believe him at this point either.

Right

Most likely, your WH and the affair partner are protecting themselves by saying that he is abusive. Your WH risked everything: his company, his reputation, his marriage, his family. He did that to have an affair with this person and so did she. Please don’t waste your sympathy on her and tell yourself that SHE’S the one who’s losing the most. She had 5 years to consider changing course, and she never did. Neither did your WH.]

OK. I sure feel like I lost lots so I'll take this advice and not feel sorry for her.

It’s early days for you right now. Your head and heart are reeling, and you’re still hearing affair narrative from your WH. This is very typical, but you need to consider that much of it is likely half true or outright not true. Cheaters tell themselves many lies to excuse continuing with the affair for so long.

ok

You don’t have to decide on this right now, but I highly recommend that you begin to take what your WS says—ALL of it—with much more skepticism and questioning. He has to come out of the fog of his own and their lies himself before he’ll begin to unravel the lies that supported their fantasy world for 5 years.

Right.

Give yourself time and space to really think and examine what he’s saying rather than letting him talk you into buying every word. Your WH isn’t a child who can’t resist all the horrible women who throw themselves at him. He’s a grown man who chose a dishonest and dishonorable course and maintained it at your expense for 5 years. He saw himself as her big, strong counselor and protector rather than the person who was actively harming her marriage and her spouse. That takes a lot of twisted thinking that he’ll need quite a lot of time to figure out. ]

Good point.

I hope you’ll consider counseling for both of you individually. He especially needs to figure out how he got here and what about him makes him capable of behaving in such dishonest and sneaky ways.

Right.

Hugs of strength to you, 456tree456. This is a long road to walk to recovery, and you’re just beginning. You will get great support and advice here. Take what helps you and leave the rest.

Thank you, NowWhat106. Great advice.

I know she is hurting more than me. She's lost her love affair of 5 years and she's lost her job..

I highly doubt that. What exactly did you lose over those 5 years? Your sense of safety, security, trust, husband, and your sense of what's even real anymore? You just had your whole world shattered. Do you also sympathize with your H for losing his love affair of 5 years? Jobs can be replaced. She jeopardized that on her own through her actions.

That said, I get hating the AP. I do, believe me. I hate my wife's former AP more than I've ever hated anyone, and I've never even met him. I could gleefully break all of his fingers and smash his face without even a twinge of guilt, but that'd only buy me a small, cold room with metal bars for a view. That doesn't let my wife off the hook tho. AP never made a promise to protect my heart and love and cherish only me. She did. This is on her.

Betrayals like this are traumatizing. I've lost loved ones and it didn't hurt like this. I'm not exaggerating when I say this is the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I've been around for a while. So no, I really doubt she's hurting more than you. She wasn't betrayed by the one person who was trusted more than anyone on this planet.

As far as telling her husband goes, I agree with others about disbelieving anything that either of them say right now. There's no shortage of betrayed husbands who've been falsely accused of being abusive or controlling by a WW in service of justifying an A, or even to win the sympathy of a married man. I'd blow it up and let the pieces fall where they may. It'd be pretty twisted for an abused spouse to participate in abusing you with infidelity. I'm one of the people who consider it a form of emotional abuse. There's a lot of lying, deception, and gaslighting involved in carrying out an affair.

[This message edited by Pogre at 9:54 PM, Wednesday, January 21st]

How did you find out?

She might have been lying to your husband for years so he would "rescue" her. A woman who sends greetings to her lovers wife can just as easily set him up by lying to him. Something kept him hooked for years. Don’t believe what either one says.

8 years out and I still loathe the other woman with every fiber of my being. She came on this site once playing the victim as my husband lied to her during their longterm affair. Really? Cheaters lie? 🤣 I know I am supposed to be at indifference or at least I am told I should, but I am not even working on it. I’’d drive past her and laugh if she was slowly dying of dehydration broken down on the side of the rode in the dead of summer. I know, not a great look on me, but it’s honest. (Side note, OW had pretended to be my friend so although she made no vows, there was some unspoken decency agreement between us.) F her. So, don’t let your anger towards OW bother you. That anger is the least of your problems to deal with at this stage. In fact, I am doing quite well never having dealt with it.

[This message edited by OnTheOtherSideOfHell at 3:47 AM, Thursday, January 22nd]

I completely understand the anger and intense feelings toward the AP.

My thoughts that helped the anger to dissipate was to think back and laugh at the absurdity of some of the things she said or did.

The most laughable was that initially she told my H she didn’t want to be the OW. So she knowingly dated a married man (of course he lied and said he was divorcing me).

My H thought she was "honorable".

Then she made a series of social media posts of how "only losers would remain married to a man that cheated". So in her mind it’s perfectly OK to be the OW but not okay to Reconcile.

She’s married now. And I hope some 30 year old inserts herself into her marriage and her H has an affair. This way she can experience exactly what she did to me. Knowingly trying to break up a marriage to get what she wanted.

Trust me - I know my H had a role in this too. He’s not without blame here.

Abusive husbands and psychotic wives are the two most common excuses given to us betrayed spouses as to why to not contact the other persons spouse.
Maybe OW husband was drunk and angry because he suspected the wife of having an affair.
The fear of OP spouse reaction is very common. At the same time, it’s relatively rare that there is a negative kickback.

It’s up to you if you tell him or not. Many argue that there are moral reasons to do so. Personally I think the MAIN reason to expose is to end the affair. Seems like THIS affair is over, but to me it’s more a question of if your husband realizes the gravity of his actions.
What I do know is that IF she’s out of the picture then you are wasting emotional time and space by focusing this much on her. Your problem is that your husband had an affair, not that this woman had an affair with your husband. By diverting the issues to her, you are giving your husband a discount on the work he needs to do.

Public figure and owner of a company? I hope he was honest to his lawyer about the LTA relationship with her too. You describe her as an asset to the company, and if he fired her for any non-business related issue this can come back in the form of a serious and expensive law-suit.

I completely understand the anger and intense feelings toward the AP.
My thoughts that helped the anger to dissipate was to think back and laugh at the absurdity of some of the things she said or did.
The most laughable was that initially she told my H she didn’t want to be the OW. laugh So she knowingly dated a married man (of course he lied and said he was divorcing me). laugh
My H thought she was "honorable". barf
Then she made a series of social media posts of how "only losers would remain married to a man that cheated". So in her mind it’s perfectly OK to be the OW but not okay to Reconcile.
She’s married now. And I hope some 30 year old inserts herself into her marriage and her H has an affair. This way she can experience exactly what she did to me. Knowingly trying to break up a marriage to get what she wanted.
Trust me - I know my H had a role in this too. He’s not without blame here.

Thank you the 1st wife. I’ll try to think of her in an absurd light. Years ago my husband and I used to laugh at what an absurd. Self-absorbed person she was. Until he stopped laughing at her anymore. She’s one of those people who only sees things from her perspective, can talk for hours about her daughter… just someone no one likes to be around. But she knew how to lay it on thick for my husband and he confesses he liked that. Even on social media she would post about what a good speaker he was. I was blind. Didn’t even pay attention to their world bc I believed him.

Thank you, Bigger!

Public figure and owner of a company? I hope he was honest to his lawyer about the LTA relationship with her too. You describe her as an asset to the company, and if he fired her for any non-business related issue this can come back in the form of a serious and expensive law-suit./quote]
That’s what I’m talking about. And husband can encourage her to file this lawsuit. The only thing in our favor is that these last five years she has been a contractor. She worked from home and would go on trips a couple times a month with my husband. So not exactly an employee. But in this country in the courts the employee is always right.

[This message edited by 456tree456 at 9:46 AM, Thursday, January 22nd]

years out and I still loathe the other woman with every fiber of my being. She came on this site once playing the victim as my husband lied to her during their longterm affair. Really? Cheaters lie? 🤣 I know I am supposed to be at indifference or at least I am told I should, but I am not even working on it. I’’d drive past her and laugh if she was slowly dying of dehydration broken down on the side of the rode in the dead of summer. I know, not a great look on me, but it’s honest. (Side note, OW had pretended to be my friend so although she made no vows, there was some unspoken decency agreement between us.) F her. So, don’t let your anger towards OW bother you. That anger is the least of your problems to deal with at this stage. In fact, I am doing quite well never having dealt with it.

. Thank you on the other side of hell. It’s the pretending to be my friend as she was sleeping with my husband that really makes me angry. I remembered last night that she asked me for birthday present suggestions for him. I never sent her birthday wishes but she always remembered my birthday. I think it takes a special kind of snake to try to cultivate a friendship with me as she pursued my husband.

The WW's AP owed me nothing. My WW did, she's the one that took vows to forsake all others!

He helped identify a cheater early in my marriage, saving me years of potential pain. If I ran into him today, I'd buy him a beer!

Her I wouldn't piss on to put out a fire!

Peace

He helped identify a cheater early in my marriage, saving me years of potential pain. If I ran into him today, I'd buy him a beer!

Plenty of people don’t owe you a thing.
Most of them are not predatory and are decent human beings who are not messing in others people lives to satisfy their primitive impulses.

Those who do are just trashy.
He deserves the bottle, not the beer

I won’t give you the 4 year ordeal w/ my H’s first affair. Mostly EA but I now suspect otherwise.

She pretended to be our friend. He met her first but we would socialize as a group. I liked her but I also knew from the first moment I met her she was very interested in my H. It was obvious.

I told my H to watch himself.

It wasn’t until year 3 of the "friendship" that I started to suspect much was hidden from me. By both of them.

And then the day came when she called me to ask if it would be ok if my H went to a wedding with her as friends b/c she needed a date.

So I’ve been around the block with "she’s just a friend" routine. I like Bigger’s stance: you can have all the female friends you want. Just not as my H lol.

My solution to life’s challenges is some sarcasm rolled up with humor. It’s a good thing I can’t get arrested for my thoughts.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:01 PM, Thursday, January 22nd]