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Its been 11 days since he walked out after I found out he was still cheating on me. I cant help but feel like this is so unfair. I was the best wife I could be and incredibly faithful. He gets to move on and not be lonely and have sex with his affair partner and I cry myself to sleep alone and lonely. I entered this marriage with abandonment issues and now those wounds are ripped wide open. We have to be separated for a year and I cannot date in that time. Its considered adultery in my state even though he has abandoned our marriage and cheated. So he is allowed to have someone but I cant. Not that I want someone but I have a high drive and going a year celibate sounds like adding insult to severe injury. How do you all cope? How do you handle the lonely nights knowing your spouse is out living their best life? I dont know how much longer I can take this. The pain isnt lessening.

get a cat? But seriously, take the time to focus on you. take a class, go to the gym and exhaust yourself, take up a hobby.
Don’t underestimate what you can do alone - BOBs are helpful. It gets easier and soon you will relish the whole bed for yourself and no snoring and all the glory that singledom can bring. It does take time. I cried at first, but it really does get better with time.

Its been 11 days since he walked out after I found out he was still cheating on me.
The pain isnt lessening.

Please allow yourself a lot of time to catch up with all that has happened. It is only eleven days. At this point, focus on the basics just to get through each day (eating, if you can tolerate, hydrating, etc).

I cry myself to sleep alone and lonely. I entered this marriage with abandonment issues and now those wounds are ripped wide open.

Have you set up anything with an IC to help you navigate this? It is a tremendous blow. You need to heal from this and address your history of abandonment issues so you can be the best 'you.

I know you are really struggling with being alone right not but having some time to work through all this will be a blessing. You are in a very fragile state right now. Broken attracts broken and you definitely do not need that in your world right now. You are not alone in these feelings. Missing that connection is so difficult. Many of us jumped quickly into something to feed those needs and the pain that comes with that would just be an added layer for your to dig out of.

How do you handle the lonely nights knowing your spouse is out living their best life?

He will get his. He is building a life with this person based on cheating and lies. That is not a strong foundation. It is all smoke and mirrors over there. Do not worry about them...you focus on you! Be kind and patient with yourself. Do what you need to do to health so you are set up for a strong, healthy foundation when that time comes.

Hug a pillow. Sleep with your kids if you have kids. Get lots of vigorous exercise (it helps boost endorphins and reduce stress hormones). And for the high drive part, get yourself some good "toys" and take care of yourself. Some people get to have "hysterical bonding" or go have a bunch of ONS, but some of us don't for whatever reasons (mine were not the same as yours). Also, please don't feel weird about it - increased libido can be a side effect of grief for some people.

he is allowed to have someone but I cant

Presumably he will pay for this behavior then as part of the divorce settlement? Have you consulted with a lawyer to find out whether that penalty is worth you remaining celibate for a year?

I typed out a long reply to you last night and then deleted it. It wasn't quite right. I hope this one is better.

You are in the thick of it right now. This is a horrible phaze and somrtime I look back and wonder how I survived. I called it my "make it till" period. I would wake up and try to make it till work, then nake it till lunch, then the end of the day, supper, bed, and finally I would try and make it through the night, onlgbtk repeat the process tomorrow. Those bite-sized chunks of the day were all i could manage.

The despair I felt was heavy, palpable, like a thickness I could pass my hand through and ibthought it would be with me forever. Then I met a monk who said something profoundly simple and life changing. He said,"You are not your feelings. You are simply experiencing your feelings. When you are done learning from them, they will leave and you will experience new ones". Its acsimple concept, but it changed how I saw myself and my healing.

I still struggled. Sometimes I could only hold it together until I put my kids to bed. After that, I gave myself permission to fall apart, out of anyone's sight.

It took me years to laugh again, I think about 3.5 years. I had no idea what joy was. I knew it was a thing, but I couldn't explain it. But, at the 3.5 year mark, I was playing pictionary with some new friends and my teammate drew what was supposed to be a potato. I found it funny, hilariously funny and I laughed. I couldn't stop. The flood gates opened and all of that bottled up emotion came out. Then the whole room started laughing. It was a cathartic moment for me.

I wish I could say I was fine after that. I wasn't. But I was on my way to better. The real healing began when I got my own place. It was all mine and at last I could provide a home for my kids and myself. My friends noticed the change. I was lighter, more present,less brooding. And I laughed often.

I'm now at the 7+ year mark and I would describe myself as healed... a little bruised, a little beaten,but healed. My WW'S A is now just something that happened in my life. Yes, it is unfair, but it no longer defines me. I can think about it without the emotional hold it once had on me and that's a good place to be.

The betrayal that happened to you will always be a part of your life, but it does not need to be the defining part. You get to decide those. But, it takes time and patience. I remember people telling me that I would come out of this a stronger person. I wanted to punch them in the face... but they were right. Even though I am less trusting and more cautious, I have a greater capacity for empathy and charity. I try to listen more than talk. I seek to understand and realize I don't have all the answers.

My advice to you is to give yourself some grace. Allow the healing to take place at its own pace. Recognize that it is nonlinear and you may need to circle back and reprocess things you had thought you had dealt with. And finally, don't compare your life to others. You have no idea where they are at when they are alone and with their thoughts. My ex-wife has never been alone since we S. She has never had the benefit of truly encountering herself in an authentic way. I feel sorry for her.

Anyway, I hope some ofvthis helps in at least a small way.

WoundedFox. How do I handle it? Sometimes just one moment at a time. I distract myself and redirect myself, and tell myself that it is me - taking care of myself. It is too overwhelming at times. And it is really difficult. But, it's supposed to be. I miss sex too and thought that sex would always be great with him. He destroyed that. As he promised himself to me and for me, that was the best turn on. That he was all mine. After he cheated, I don't feel that anymore. He ruined that for me and I didn't even look at another man all these years. I married the man that I loved and was all in. He had all those years to show me love, but he didn't. Only he knows why as my X never really explained himself or provided a timeline or answered my many questions. I wish that he would have left (we are still IHS while our marital home is in the process of being sold).

And that is what happened to us. It is what it is. Time to regroup and move forward the best that I can. Sometimes that is one moment at a time.