SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mondays are therapy days for both my wife and me. Our therapist is having us work through the book Courageous Love by Stephanie Carnes. As part of that process I put together a "full disclosure" that went through all my sexual behavior and substance abuse from childhood onward including the affair. The betrayed partner then puts together an "emotional impact" letter that they read to the Wayward. Today we did a joint session and my wife read the emotional impact letter.

We have had many talks since I initially disclosed the affair three months ago and also subsequent to the full disclosure. There was not any material new information in the full disclosure, but putting everything together in one document was a heavy process and reading it to my wife took a heavy emotional toll. My wife has shown more emotion in the last three months than in our entire marriage combined. I have told her even though she did not know about the darkest parts of me, I think subconsciously she never felt safe enough with me to be totally open and vulnerable. She also did not come from a family that talked about their emotions so it is a new muscle. I thought in our many talks she had expressed all the raw pain and trauma that she has been feeling; however, like many assumptions I was very wrong.

The combination of therapy and working on the emotional impact statement really pulled some of the deepest thoughts and emotions she has had over the last three months. I thought reading the full disclosure was difficult, but listening to my wife articulate the full impact this is having on her really broke me in a way that reminded me why I have put up walls and compartmentalized since I was a young child. I am a recovering addict and have also not had a drop of alcohol in 20+ years, but my thoughts went very quickly to trying to figure out how I could numb the emotions I was feeling.

I am trusting the process and my wife did say after the session that she thinks reading the letter was helpful for her. I spent the last 30 minutes of the session solo with the therapist and when she asked how I was feeling I told her I feel so helpless and hopeless as I do not see how my wife will ever heal from that level of pain and trauma. The wounds seem so deep right now. I know the passage of time has a way of helping the healing, but I am having trouble seeing a time when all of this does not feel as omnipresent as it does right now.

I know this will sound crazy to some, but I told the therapist that I really wish I was on the other side of the betrayal. I can deal with people hurting me. My biggest traumatic events are from those who are supposed to love us unconditionally and I am finding a way to process that. I am having a hard time living with the knowledge that my actions are inflicting a level of incomprehensible hurt on my wife who is so innocent in this process. That is so not the person I want to be and that conflict is torture.

Posting this more because SI is my outlet for these thoughts, but appreciate any support and love from the community. Today was a really heavy day.

[This message edited by feelingverylow at 12:50 AM, Tuesday, December 2nd]

That does sound overwhelming.

I will counter you on this- your wife’s ability to express herself in safety is helpful, and hopeful. Yes, this part sucks but think of it as letting the poison out. Feeling heard and seen despite knowing how hard this is for you is empowering- she is owning her feelings.

It’s rough work and I know it’s exhausting, but this is great progress.

I ache for your both of you, I remember these days, and nights, and weeks. But what you are desecribing it’s healthy and is a path to healing.

I will say a prayer for you both tonight.

Very heavy, but part of the formation of the new you. Stay the course. Let it teach you. With all your strength, make amends. ❤️

I admire your steadfast commitment to walking this excruciating but honest road.

((((((FVL)))))) ((((((Mrs FVL))))))
Firstly, I am terribly sorry for the pain you are both feeling, my heart breaks for you both.
However I just want to emphasize how wonderful it is that Mrs FVL has provided you with such a gift of R and vulnerability - I'm sure the letter was difficult for you to hear, but just imagine her wound healing a bit with every word. I would like to believe that your being there, steadfastly by her side, is very reassuring to her.

I know the deep shame and darkness that comes from seeing the pain on your spouse's face from your own actions. I wish I had some advice to lessen that pain, but all I can provide is my support to you and how proud I am that you are facing this with courage. Although we can't change the past, I believe you're doing the best you possibly can now.

Also, I wanted to give space to your paragraph below:

I know this will sound crazy to some, but I told the therapist that I really wish I was on the other side of the betrayal. I can deal with people hurting me. My biggest traumatic events are from those who are supposed to love us unconditionally and I am finding a way to process that. I am having a hard time living with the knowledge that my actions are inflicting a level of incomprehensible hurt on my wife who is so innocent in this process. That is so not the person I want to be and that conflict is torture.

Thank you for sharing this. I understand it is a difficult thought to express, because I have struggled with this.
I was the BP in my relationship before my marriage. Also, in my marriage, we are MH. I betrayed him 13 years ago while in college, and he was unfaithful during our engagement and marriage.
Yes, these betrayals hurt. I was very upset and blindsided, and trust has been difficult. However, that pain is hardly comparable to the overwhelming torture and shame of being the betrayer - of seeing the pain on my partner's face when I disclosed my infidelity. My own actions are what have haunted me for the last 13 years, and what still keep me up at night every night.
Perhaps comparing the pain of being the betrayer vs. the betrayed isn't fair, and I'm sure many people in a MH situation have different experiences. But I just wanted to share that I relate with you, and I'm so sorry.

You are doing the right thing now. That is hard, that is courage. Be proud of that. We are here for you.

I'm hesitant to write this because I don't want to add to your stress at the moment. However, it's my hope that it might shed a little light on what to expect for the foreseeable future.

The betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock to the system and a severe emotional and psychological trauma. The one thing that never ceases to amaze me is just how hard infidelity hits people. It is devastating. It will profoundly and permanently alter the nature of your relationship. It will change her, just as it did me, in ways that can take years... to fully understand.

If she's anything like the rest of us, she'll go through phases, just as I did - grief and sorrow, anger, rage, confusion, denial, bargaining, resentment... and detachment.

There is no rhyme or reason in this process. It's neither clear nor linear. These phases are almost random and they will probably repeat, often with no indication that it's happening.

You'll want to be as patient as George Washington, as flexible as Simon Biles, and as resilient as Rocky Balboa. When she's falling down the rabbit hole, jump in with her. When she's as cold as ice, be her coat. When she needs space, back off.

When you have questions and don't know what to do, the lights are always on here at SI.

Remember, reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint.

Peace, brother.

FVL

Crazy as it sounds, this is good.

It's good that she is sharing.
It's good that you are listening.
It's good for her to witness the impact that this has on you.
It's good for you to witness the impact that this has on her.
It's all good.

The weight will lift.

Definitely appreciate the support and fully agree that this is a productive and necessary step. It is also a very difficult one for someone who has spent his life avoiding by any means necessary these exact types of feelings. The next step and final step in the disclosure process we are using is for me to write an emotional restitution letter as a response to her letter. Before my wife read her emotional impact letter I thought I could probably get my response done in a week so we could be well clear of the holidays; however, my therapist and I discussed in our solo session and agree this will take at least two weeks. We are going to be traveling for a week before the Christmas week, have both adult children home for the Christmas week, and will be spending time in a warmer climate for most of January and half of February. I am a bit nervous about being away from IC for two months, but have a plan to keep in touch with the IC and maybe do a session or two on zoom.

I quibbled with the therapist on the notion of "restitution" as I told her some things cannot be restored. Ultimately the letter is to "let your partner know that you understand the depths of their pain, express remorse, and to demonstrate accountability for your actions and a willingness to change". Before yesterday I thought I understood the depths of my wife's pain, but now realize that she needed time and therapy to really come to grips with the deeper feelings she is having. I need to take time and work with my therapist to think about how to respond.

Thanks for the support. I keep reminding myself that we are barely in the first inning of our journey and the process we are undertaking we ultimately help us both heal. So wish there was a hack to accelerate this process, but ultimately our healing is going to take as long as it will take. I am so grateful I have the opportunity to continue our relationship that any amount of pain or discomfort is a small price to pay.

Hi FVL, I was thinking of you and Mrs FVL today- I know Mondays are usually difficult. I am rooting for you both, this is a difficult time but you’re doing some very important work. Hang in there

Thanks. Today was actually much better than I had anticipated. Sundays are usually a rough day as we both can feel Monday is imminent. This week, my wife seemed to be in a much better place than I was. She woke up from a nightmare about the affair on Friday night and we ended up talking to 5 am. The talk was very emotional, but net / net was very positive. It was a talk I would have spent shame spiraling s few months ago, but was able to stay fully present / engaged and give space for the negative emotions she was feeling. Caught up a bit to me on Saturday and my wife could tell so she pressed the issue and we spent a couple more hours in a deep discussion on Saturday afternoon.

Both talks seemed to help her and she was in a good head space on both Sunday and yesterday. I get pretty anxious when she is at her IC appointment in the morning so I actually do a workout to keep occupied and that helps. My IC session was spent reviewing my emotional restitution letter and the therapist and I think it is ready to read next week.

Getting that ready required revisiting her emotional impact statement many times and that was definitely hard, but I think writing it has been cathartic. Will be very good to complete that next week. We are going to leave right after therapy for a week away and will then have our two adult children here the next week so starting to be able to focus on the holidays.

Was going to post today as I think I am starting to get my head around the need to progress into accepting that ruminating about all the negative emotions is not helpful. I will always be sad when I think about my affair, but that will not change that it happened. I think I have been afraid of acknowledging that the shame and trauma I brought into the marriage was a risk factor for fear it would feel like a justification rather than context. I am getting better at using that insight to increase my accountability and use the work to focus on how I am changing into a better and safer partner. We talked in IC about how I need to be okay with my healing vs feeling like that minimizes the infidelity.

Overall a much better day than I was dreading. Thanks for checking in. Still up in the middle of the night with insomnia, but at least I am in a healthier head space.