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I’m not reconciling because I want to.

If it was possible to get custody of my kids and leave her forever without going broke, and making the kids hate me for putting her on the street, I would already be gone.

She believes she should be absolved of being held accountable for cheating because she has Bipolar I and was delusional while she was doing it. She has been hospitalized twice for it and takes medication.

She acts like accountability and seeking forgiveness are beneath her. I should take her word that she feels awful and believe her claims that she feels horrible and that she’s done with cheating. I should sweep this under the rug a second time and treat her like the victim an feel bad for getting mad at her.

She’s also magically cured and forgiven by God when it benefits her argument.

Apparently, I should be so ashamed for exposing her infidelity to family and friends.

I can’t make rent or pay the car payments without her financial contributions. I already tried all my family and friends. I have no support system. My dad is dead and my mom has another life with a different family and I've never been welcome.

She can’t afford to live on her own with what she makes. My kids will hate me if I kick her out. She has nowhere else to go.

We work in the same office and both of our jobs are under threat due to our conflict and ongoing economic problems plaguing the employer.

She knows I’m stuck so my options are to take her half hearted crocodile tears and humor her or fight with her every day until I’m mentally ill also.

I’m so sorry you’re here. From the sound of it, she’s not taken any real accountability or acknowledged the pain she’s caused you and your family. Regardless of whether or not this was due to her mental illness, she still caused this devastation.

You don’t have to reconcile. The only reason why I did was because my FWH proved everyday that he was genuinely remorseful over YEARS. YEARS of effort. He wasn’t perfect at that. But, over the long haul he proved trustworthy again.

Have you talked with an attorney? Many will provide an initial consultation for free. Just knowing what my options were gave me some peace of mind. Can you look for a job at another firm? Second reconcilation? Is this a different AP? I have a lot of questions. You do have more options than it might seem. If you conduct yourself like the reliable adult, your kids will see your WS for what she is. The truth always comes out. Hang in there.

I’m so sorry you’re here. From the sound of it, she’s not taken any real accountability or acknowledged the pain she’s caused you and your family. Regardless of whether or not this was due to her mental illness, she still caused this devastation.

Thank you, I know she caused this. I was faithful and never dreamed of doing anything like this.

You don’t have to reconcile. The only reason why I did was because my FWH proved everyday that he was genuinely remorseful over YEARS. YEARS of effort. He wasn’t perfect at that. But, over the long haul he proved trustworthy again.

Mine doesn’t think she has to prove anything. She impatiently asks me what I want from her and then finds ways to avoid doing what I need or tries to convince me that’s she’s already done that in her own way. Like I said, accountability and remorse are beneath her.

Have you talked with an attorney? Many will provide an initial consultation for free. Just knowing what my options were gave me some peace of mind.

I did pay for consultations with two different lawyers. One seemed to think I could get full legal and physical custody and quoted me $15,000 ballpark for legal fees and another $10-15,000 to pay for psych evaluations and related things required to make it happen. The second lawyer told me around $10-20,000 all in depending on how cooperative my wife is saying it could double if she gets her own lawyer or makes false claims. The second lawyer seemed to think full, permanent legal and physical custody would be hard to get in our county due to the judges and family court system being biased in favor of mothers and corruption in the system that favors child support arrangements and supervised exchanges and visitation. I doubt she can figure out how and also afford to retain a lawyer, but she’s liable to say or do anything due to her illness. She doesn’t come from money but her dad is sort of eccentric and frugal and might be able to throw her 10-20k for lawyers if she cries to him and makes it seem like I’m taking her kids away.

From my end, I really don’t have anywhere to pull that kind of money from either way… unless I want to max out credit cards I’ve been spending the last 5 years paying down and then file for bankruptcy. As mentioned, I’ve asked all my family and friends for help and nobody can.

During fights she screams that I can take the kids and says she’s going to sign them over to me and then other times she says she’s going to get a lawyer and fight me for custody even though she can’t win because she says she would rather bleed us both dry and end up on the street proving to her kids that she tried to fight for them.

Can you look for a job at another firm?

I’ve been looking and interviewing for two years since I caught her cheating the first time. My industry has been hit hard by the current political and economic downturn and th only offers I’ve gotten have been nearly half what I currently make with less benefits. I’ve been trying to pay off my cars so that I might be able to take a lesser paying job to start over, but it’s very hard when I’m barely making ends meet as it is. Again, I have no family or friends to crash land with. Every one sends thoughts and prayers and makes it very clear that their basements and guest rooms are off limits.

Second reconcilation? Is this a different AP? I have a lot of questions.

At this point I’ve caught her having virtual affairs on two occasions with dozens of men. You can check my post history. She’s sick. She preys on vulnerable men online and uses them for sexual attention. I also suspect that she had a physical affair with someone at her last job 4 years ago, but she’s never admitted it and I can’t prove it.

You do have more options than it might seem. If you conduct yourself like the reliable adult, your kids will see your WS for what she is. The truth always comes out. Hang in there.

Thanks, and I hope you are right about having more options.

The older of the two kids understands everything and sadly witnessed most of her behaviors and our arguments. The younger one thinks she is her hero and clings to her. In the eyes of the youngest, her mother could never do any wrong.

I do know that in the long run the girls will see what’s going on because their mother isn’t going to stop being mentally ill. I just want to save them from the chaos and I want to be able to live my life without being in this prison.

[This message edited by MilahsRealHusband at 1:58 PM, Thursday, November 13th]

After reading your response, my first thought is to get those kids outta there. She may have a mental illness. That's no excuse. That is her responsibility to fix rather than let it damage her relationships with you and your children.

During fights she screams that I can take the kids and says she’s going to sign them over to me and then other times she says she’s going to get a lawyer and fight me for custody even though she can’t win because she says she would rather bleed us both dry and end up on the street proving to her kids that she tried to fight for them.

The long-term effects on your children of witnessing this could be devastating. If you have to run up credit cards and do bankruptcy to protect them from that....that is definitely something I'd explore. Your youngest will eventually see the truth.

She doesn't sound worthy of a reconciliation. I don't say that lightly. In the years I've been on this forum, I think it's the first time I HAVE said it.

MilahsRealHusband, you're clearly not stupid.

You cannot reconcile. She's simply incapable. I'd imagine you know far more about bipolar disorders than most of the members here. As I understand it, with my own very limited knowledge, it's treatable but not curable.

Have you reached out to the various institutions dedicated to helping those with bipolar disorders for help and guidance? I'd imagine that they have some good resources for both you and your children.

I really wish I could offer some valuable insight and advice here. I'm sorry I can't.

First off, no, of course you're not stupid. You are doing the best you can given the circumstances, and carefully considering your next move. You should be proud of yourself for the way you are handling this extremely difficult and unfortunate situation.

So, it's clear she is not a good candidate for true reconciliation, at least not as a romantic partner. If you can't make things make sense financially for you to divorce (even after conversing ways to significantly reduce your living expenses-- changing health or car insurance, moving somewhere where rent is less, consolidating your debts on credit cards with 0% introductory rates, refinancing your auto loan, changing cell carriers, reducing your grocery bills, cancelling unnecessary subscriptions, finding less expensive childcare arrangements, etc.-- or finding additional sources of income), you do not have to behave like a romantic partner to your WW. Basically, you can emotionally divorce her even if you can't do it legally. Protect yourself in this way until she fully turns this behavior around.

I would come up with as solid of a financial plan as possible if you were to divorce, and let her know that in x amount of time, if she does not meet your requirements, then you will initiate divorce proceedings. Some recommendations for those reqs:

1.) She sees a psychiatrist and therapist and receives the necessary treatment to regulate her bipolar disorder. It sounds like medication would be very helpful in this situation (though many people with bipolar are often either afraid of becoming "zombified" from their meds, or are unwilling to let go of their euphoric manic sessions, assure her that the right medication will keep her level without making her feel flat, and it's still very possible to feel non-manic joy on a regular basis. Take it from someone with Type II.) Make sure she takes the meds too, not just picks up the prescription. Also let her know that if she remains untreated, you will fight her for custody of the children, as it's not safe for them to be in the care of a dysregulated parent.

2.) She begins to take accountability for her own decisions, even if they were made during manic episodes. This is NOT beneath her. She needs to acknowledge the damage she's done and all of the pain she's caused you. It can be hard as a WS to take a look at oneself and admit that you've done these terrible things, and feel the shame that comes along with it, especially if you're already struggling with mental illness. That's where her defensiveness is coming from. Tell her this is something she needs to talk to her therapist about, from whom she can get support, and not one who is simply a "yes man" who's going to assuage her ego no matter what. Maybe a MC who specializes in infidelity can see both of you, and recommend an IC who would be good for her.

3.) The both of you agree to keep your kids and your workplace out of it. Set boundaries that will help make that possible, and make sure she abides by them. Maybe that looks like only speaking about professional things during the workday, agreeing to table discussions when they begin to get heated and save them for when you have privacy and/when you're calmer, etc.

And whatever else you think is necessary. If she meets those requirements in the timeframe you've set, then you can consider remaining married and reconciling emotionally.

Best of luck to you

[This message edited by Ghostie at 5:07 PM, Thursday, November 13th]

I am sorry that you are going through this. My ex was also diagnosed to be bi-polar. I was in a similar situation as yours. I stayed together until my youngest daughter was 11 and my ex moved out. My daughter stayed with me. Kids tend to gravitate to the stable parent. Not sure what the Courts are like in your area. Because my daughter was old enough to decide for herself, I got custody. Unfortunately, my daughter says she wishes we had divorced earlier. She still lives with me and is 31, with her own mental health issues. Not sure if it is related to my marriage to her mother.
What I do know about bi-polar is that without good treatment, it doesn't get better. My ex married a transgender,and divorced again. Had other affairs before this person.

Well...
The only thing that could allow us to consider you stupid would be if you expect change without you initiating that change.
I went back to your first post and scanned your situation since. Friend – nothing has really changed...
If you truly think that there is no way financially that you can divorce/separate and that it would inevitably lead to you losing your kids... well... then I guess you must find a way to accept your present situation and work on things to minimize her ability to impact you. For example – start considering here as a necessary room-mate rather than a wife. Don’t expect intimacy, or be surprised or even hurt if she seeks it elsewhere. After all – this isn’t a marriage per se, but simply an economic arrangement to tide the time until the kids leave.

What I would question the sense in is your starting sentence:
I’m not reconciling because I want to.
Because simply living together for practical reasons isn’t reconciling.

Have you thought of casting your net wider with regard to your job search? Somewhere with a lower cost of living or better job market and more father friendly courts, even if you have to change your career. You would have to convince her to move. I know this is all long game stuff but it seems like your short term options are limited.