SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For those who have tried IC, what did you actually discuss during sessions?

I’ve started with my third therapist and though I think she’s great, I wonder if I’m steering it in the wrong direction/what I’m actually doing there.

I started again because I’ve been feeling very numb and struggling to enjoy life.

The first two sessions have solely been about my relationship and the infidelity. Am I doing this wrong? I don’t find it helpful.

I’ve done so much thinking since DDay and feel I’m very aware of certain things. I’m very aware that his infidelity had absolutely nothing to do with me or his AP, I’m aware that I’ve been in fight or flight and now that things are calmer, I feel the way I do because my brain and body are trying to recover from the last year or so of hell. I’m aware that I am the boundary setter and can choose to opt out of R at any time, and that I need to act on any boundaries being crossed.

What am I supposed to be using IC for exactly? I’m not finding it useful so far. In fact, I hate talking about it all the time again. I feel like I’ve talked the situation to death. I know why I choose to stay in this relationship, and while my ideas of romance are firmly in the gutter, I think I now have a more realistic view on the work it takes to maintain a relationship, rather than an idealised, movie idea of love.

Tbh, I feel like my WS is the one who needs the IC (which he’s currently getting from NA). Do I really need it to? Has anyone found it that helpful when it comes to finding joy in life again? Or is that something I need to work on by myself? What can the therapist really do about that?

There’s also a little part of me that wonders if I’m talking myself out of this because I’m trying to rug sweep, although it’s been over a year and I don’t think that’s what we’ve done.

I’m just a bit sick of infidelity talk, you know? I feel like, what else is there left to say about it at this point?

Curious how others feel about IC?

ETA - I feel like I’m spending the time talking about his behaviours and analysing how I feel/felt about it, but I know how I feel about it. Seems like a waste of time/money?

[This message edited by torturedpoet at 5:38 PM, Friday, April 18th]

Not everyone does well with ic (I know I don't)

If you aren't able to find your job, how will ic do that for you?

If that is the goal tell the ic that if you want to stick it out.

If you decide ic can't do that for you than it's time to start thinking about what can do that for you.

Do you have hobbies?

Is there something you've always wanted to try but haven't?

Think about the things that do bring you joy (nothing to do with WH) and how to expand them.

My second IC was a betrayal trauma specialist. I told her that I considered this to be therapy, like physical therapy but focused on my mental health - and I considered that therapy should be hard work. We worked on a treatment plan to address certain things, and I wanted to consider EMDR as an option.

Your first couple of sessions are for the therapist to do an assessment of where you are mentally and emotionally. Next, you should work on a treatment plan. Think of this as a road map of where you want to go. What landmarks do you want to pass to make sure you're on the right road? This can be changed if there happens to be road closures that you need to work around.

We did work with The Grief Recovery Handbook and spent lots of time doing exercises with a mindfulness workbook. Those helped me immensely. Also, I play an online game to find hidden objects. There's research out that has shown these types of games help get your brain's synapses to get more back to normal.

Good luck.

I also went into therapy to find my joy again.

Did you tell that to your IC? You set the goal, and they should be able to articulate a loose plan on how they can help. they are just guides, though-we do the work.

I did a lot of somatic work with my therapist - my brain and my body often experienced different things. (I would think I was fine but I was so tight and had a knot in my stomach, etc.) . Also did mindfulness exercises. In the end we went with some alternative therapies that were right for me, and I realized that the A had just brought all my FOO issues up and once I dealt with those, my healing began. (I would have told you I had a great upbringing, but there were things that were very much not great in my upbringing that I just conveniently "forgot" about until we started digging in.).

Have you tried a gratitude journal? Sounds cheesy, but really works. And set a bucket list of things to do and try to prime your joy pump, if you will. Sometimes we get stuck in a safe (non-joyful) place because we are scared of being hurt or disappointed after all the trauma we have been through. Going outside your comfort zone can kick start you out of that. Good sky diving, take a solo trip to another country, take a pottery class, go horseback riding… whatever intrigues you.

I too don’t think I do very well whether couple’s or IC. I had an IC a few years ago that I told her a very specific situation/goal that I wanted help in dealing with. The first 2 sessions were history, which I expected. After the 7 session at $250 for 50 mins, we seemed to just talking repeatedly…oh how was your week? Any concerns w XYZ? So I would literally relive something that was very stressful all over. We never got to actually discussing solutions. EDMR. I fired her.

So while I don’t have a good suggestion, I understand how you are feeling.

After the discussion of whether to reconcile or Divorce, I stuck with counseling to improve relationships w/ kids & Husband.

I learned not to get upset and yell.

I learned how to deal with a very toxic work environment.

I became a calmer more intelligent individual because I stopped engaging in drama.

Maybe you need to be very specific about your intentions at the start of each session. You may need to say "I want to focus on….." to let the person know your direction.

And maybe they are just not the right fit for you.

I was lucky the person I went to was an exact fit. The guy my H went to was all into that love language crap and it nearly caused our D. That guy caused some serious damage and at one point I told my H "it sounds as though you don’t even know me".

Hope this helps you.