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My middle son who has had mental health issues for the past few years is really scaring me right now.

He has been in a relationship for a year or more with a toxic, narcissistic, dare I say "evil" person. A few months (maybe two or three) after his father’s death, he moved in with her and her family in a small town about an hour away.

She has strongly discouraged him from having any contact with me and his brothers, and any of his friends. She has admitted to him that she is a narcissist. There is not enough room here to explain the whole relationship.

Anyway, they broke up the other night. He has broken up with her several times before, and then she lures him back. She has done everything but physically removed his gonads. Every time he breaks up with her, she makes fun of him for "running home to mommy" and continues to emasculate him.

This time, she was the one that broke up with him. He admits to poor judgment and emotional behavior and off the wall arguments. Since he came home two nights ago, she has continuously burned up his phone to get him to answer her. I guess so that she can continue to, criticize him and make fun of him. It’s my humble opinion that she is horrified that maybe this person that she has been using control to harass is really gone this time.

When all of this happened two nights ago, he hit a telephone pole… Evidently like a 1-2 punch. He lost the skin off of his knuckles on one hand, but shattered his other hand. He is waiting to see a specialist about surgery.

He has been talking to me on and off and is in a very fragile state mentally. A day and a half away from her he has agreed that he wants to get back on his psychiatric medication. He has accepted my offer to get him a counselor.

He left this morning to go repay a gas station attendant for loaning him five dollars to get gas to get home the other night. Then he was going to his place of work to explain to the employer what is happening. He says that he has told his employer everything about what goes on in his relationship. 😞

He texted me earlier this afternoon and let me know that he was fired. In the meantime, he wants to know the name of his aunt… my husband‘s sister. He says he’s going by to visit her so he can tell her all about what has been going on. He says that he feels like he should tell everyone that he knows and his family and friends, what all has happened with his relationship. That he’s just trying to be honest. I can’t decide if this is for payback because she tells everyone she knows about all of their fights… Or if he actually thinks that he will get her back somehow by letting people in on what is happening. Maybe it is just for attention.

When he called me at 3 o’clock in the morning the other night he told me that he could not get home. He said that he was thinking of calling the police so that he could be hospitalized, but then I would have to come and get his car. The way he said it was quite odd. As if he was going to use a temporary psych hold in order to get home somehow.

I asked him if he was serious about needing a psych hold at this time… He has had several such holds in the past. He told me he didn’t really think that he needed that, but it was the only way he could think of to get home. I talked to him for quite some time, and finally got the impression that he was fine to drive home and we would work on what to do next when he got here. And he did end up driving home, and after we talked for an hour or so, he finally went to sleep. He got up this morning to handle a few things and was going to make his appointment with the orthopedic surgeon and the counselor. It’s been almost 4 hours and now since I have heard from him, despite trying again and again to text him.

He obviously needs psychological assistance, but I can’t find where he is this afternoon, and I can’t force him to get help.

Does anyone have any insight as to how I should handle this situation?

He is a total mess right now about so many things. He loved his job, which he has now lost. He was thrilled to be in this horrifying relationship because he has told me on countless occasions that no one else will ever love him. But perhaps most significantly, he is still in a horrible grieving state over his father’s death.

Well, I finally spoke to my husband’s sister, and she said that he was at her house right now. So at least I know that at this very second he is safe.

But I can still use any input that any of you with professional or personal experience could give about how to move forward with him.

My oldest son has told me that he thinks that he actually needs to go on to a mental health facility at least temporarily. I’m not sure I disagree. Of course I have no say about whether or not he goes. Just a modicum of influence. I was just hoping that a few days of being around people who loved him and supported him and lifted him up would give him strength to work through it without the psych hold this time… Give him back some confidence. When he and I are discussing the situation, whenever there is a low in the conversation, he starts saying over and over and over "I’m not a bad person." I respond that of course he is not a bad person, and why would he think that. And he says that that is what she has been telling him the entire time that they have been together.

I spoke with his other brother today and let him know about the situation briefly. I’m going to let him know when he will be home again if I can ever find that out. That way, my son – who is incarcerated – could call and speak with him - to provide more support.

I don’t mean to be melodramatic about all of this. This is the first significant issue he has had since his dad‘s death. My husband had sort of "checked out" about heading up any kind of proactive responses to our kids a while before his death. But at least I had him to talk to about things with. He always responded more calmly than I. But now that it is all only on me… I’m feeling a bit inept.

Y’all are so smart and offer such sage advice, that I was hoping I could get a glimpse into a a strategy to help him at this time.

Glad he's safe for now. I'm hoping others will chime in, too.

My XWH has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It's very similar to somebody being a psychopath or sociopath. (Patterns of behavior and doesn't mean they're a mass murderer.) While the person may or may not actually kill your physical body, they are very good at killing you emotionally and mentally. The abuse also can mess with the victim's brain chemistry, so he literally can't think correctly. Dr. Ramani has some great YouTube videos that are really good at explaining things in an easy to understand manner.

Unfortunately, what can happen is trauma bonding, so it makes it tougher for you to leave. It is very similar in symptoms as being co-dependent. It will take healing for him to get better.

It sounds like he has a lot that he's dealing with, such as your husband's death, the ending of the relationship and losing his job that he enjoyed. One of those items is considered a major life event, and he's got all three at once.

If he feels like he needs inpatient treatment, then maybe he should go. Encourage him to take this time to heal and to have a safe zone where he can receive the treatment. And if he becomes a danger to himself or others or gravely disabled, call 911.

What are you doing to take care of you?

He has broken up with her several times before, and then she lures him back. She has done everything but physically removed his gonads. Every time he breaks up with her, she makes fun of him for "running home to mommy" and continues to emasculate him.

Since he came home two nights ago, she has continuously burned up his phone to get him to answer her.

I would start with using some good-ole SI advice and stop the bleed first:

- He needs to remove her ability to call/text him. Block her! If she goes around this to reach him; maybe a new phone/new number. She knows the below works to push his buttons so he needs to cut off her ability. If she then escalates behavior to get to him; he can get legal help.

I hope he will agree to some help. If he will not agree to it because he feels he doesn't need it right now, maybe compromise on an alternative for now. I.e., it sounds like at the very least he needs a life coach to help him navigate the do/don't of employment, etc.

Yes, I have definitely been pushing him to block her, but that is easier said than done. She has convinced him that he is just a piece of shit and yet he doesn’t want the relationship to be over. He clearly needs psychological help.

He has told me that today he is making appointments with the orthopedic surgeon to get his hand fixed, to a counseling center in our town to get on the schedule with a counselor, and an appointment with the psychiatrist in charge of prescribing his medication each month.

If I could just get him to follow through with those three things, and block her, I really do believe that he would be on the road to healing.

I know everything I post here must Appear to be Hyperbole. There’s just been so much happening in the last few years with each of my sons and my husband.

I do understand that I can’t "fix" my son, I am just trying to have good advice for him and send him in the right direction for the professionals that he needs and could truly benefit from.

If he feels he needs help and is willing to seek it he has to be evaluated and held if he says he is a threat to himself or others but also has to be able verbalize "a plan"

Unfortunately there are limited inpt mental health resources and depending on region there may not be beds available. It sucks. But to fill that gap a lot of hospitals or hospital systems have what is called mental health urgent care and will be seen evaluated and connected to resources. Definitely worth a search for your region and have those numbers handy.