SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you have been following my story, you know that my XWH has lost 2 jobs over the last year. One of the jobs he lost was with the company he was with for many years. He had been with the same dealership since the age of 16, worked his way up the ladder and when they were bought out in late 2016, he remained with the dealership under it's new ownership. It was around that time that things took a turn and he began to "change". All he cared about was getting the GM position. When he was let go from this company last year, I always wondered what had happened. Well.....I recently found out and I am completed disappointed in him.

He was a manager and the OW worked within the same company in their accounting department. His secretary was wonderful and we had a very good relationship. She would even buy gifts for our children and nieces. Well....she walked in on the OW giving my XWH oral sex at work.....in a common area at work which many employees walk through regularly. It gets worse. They did not learn their lesson. More employees walked in on them having sex in his office and other areas at work. I am disgusted. We have children. He worked so hard to work his way up and felt it was ok to compromise it all for this woman. Neither of them cared what could happen if they were caught...which they were and continued doing it anyway. What it could do to our family and more importantly, our children. I am so disappointed in him.

Since they were both married while this was happening, word made it to HR and higher management. Obviously, they did not feel someone like him should be GM. He has still not found a full-time job. (After losing his 2nd job in August) He is behind on alimony and child support, but still continues to drive his brand new X5 and live in his big house with the OW. I am eventually going after him for this, but was told it is best I wait until he gets a job.

Just having a hard time processing this. The hits just keep on coming. Him and the OW make shitty, selfish decisions and the kids and I are the ones that pay for it. I really thought the reason he was let go was something else. But to know they were both just irresponsible and didn't care is upsetting. And this woman complains she doesn't understand why "no one in the family wants anything to do with her." She was married....giving another married man a bl** j** at work in plain sight. Not the best look for her. And this is the woman by XWH "demands" my kids respect and accept. Unbelievable.

[This message edited by Mari104 at 2:34 PM, Tuesday, December 10th]

SI So sorry you're still dealing with all of this, Mari. It's unbelievable to think that they think this is normal behavior. Who in their right mind would do this or believe it's the best thing for their families? Crazy making at its best.

Where are you on your journey?
You have been posting in the divorced forum, call your husband the XWH and he seems to be living with his OW. Yet you also mention:
I am obviously going after him for his this, but was told it is best I wait until he gets a job.

Is the divorce finalized? What is it you are going after? Who recommended you wait?

Generally – and unless you were to tell me your attorney told you to wait – I would suggest you simply get things over with. Frankly – I would assign all the tough issues like collections, settlements and all that to an attorney with the instructions of maintaining constant and fair pressure to get things resolved.
Work at detaching. Let him do his jobs like establishing a relationship with his kids (or not) and don’t accept that you have a role in his job at doing that. Don’t let him not paying alimony or child-support affect you beyond the phone-call to whatever agency you have collect that debt. Remove him from your life as much as you can – make sure he can’t enter the house, can’t call you at all hours or whatever. Constantly keep in mind that child support is not a "gift" to you and isn’t any more optional than if you decided not to feed or clothe your kids this month because you would rather buy yourself new shoes.

Mari – My fiancé was on a fast-path to success in her field. She was a hairdresser and a very good one at that. She started her own saloon with a friend, and that saloon became "THE" place to get your hair, nails, makeup and whatever else done in our area. From the two of them it grew to about 10-15 employees. I was a new(ish) cop at the time, and from originally making half of what I made, she was making multiples of my wages.
My story is in my profile, but the short version is that I left that relationship and after moving cities about 3-4 years later haven’t been in any contact with my ex or that whole environment.
I ran into her co-owner – the friend –6-8 years ago when I visited that city. We got a coffee and did some catch-up. Her friend shared that a few years after we split, my ex behavior was damaging the saloon. She was missing work, sloppy, dipping into the till... Her friend gave her warning after warning, and eventually bought her out of the saloon (she hinted that the "payment" was the forgiveness of the money my ex had been stealing). She worked as an employee for a few months before being fired.
Her former friend – the saloon owner – had recently sold the saloon and was retired at the ripe old age of 55. Said that what she made in income and from the sale was enough for her for life.
Not that I’m looking to be updated on my ex, but this friend also shared that she occasionally saw my ex, and that she was living a life of financial misery, having been through two abusive marriages and bad health. I won’t even try to attribute that to having lost me – but I will attribute it to bad decisions, not holding oneself accountable and not dealing with whatever internal issues make you do wrong.

From that story – MY experience – I have two suggestions for you:
Had we been married and all that (as opposed to engaged and no kids or mortgage) her earning power was at her lifetime high the year before our breakup and the next 2-3 after our breakup. Had I gotten alimony based on her pay...
Since she didn’t do anything life-changes necessary she kept on with life carrying the same attitude, and that eventually led her to a negative place. Sort-of like your husbands initial ambition to make GM, only for his ongoing bad decisions and lack of accountability leading him to lose that job, and the next one.
If you are waiting for things to be better for him to get something from him... Well... they won’t.

leafields, thank you. I agree. This is on another level of irresponsibility and craziness. Even years later, it is also still very hurtful that he would put himself in a position like this knowing he had children and a wife at home.

Bigger, I am divorced. Finalized in September 2022. I speak to him only when necessary, about the children or finances. Nothing else. 90% of our communication is through emails/text messages, as I don't even want to speak to him. My therapist has helped me create great boundaries and I have stuck to them.

When I said "I am obviously going after him for his this, but was told it is best I wait until he gets a job.", I was referring to post-judgement issues. He was ordered to pay me alimony and child support. He is now behind. He made substantially more money than I did. Now, he is struggling because of his significant loss of income. I work for a law firm and we do practice family law here. My boss has helped me every step along the way. Right now, if we were to file a motion, it would be difficult to determine what the modification in alimony would be, if any. That is why we decided to wait, however, I may need to file something soon regardless, because it has been months. The court may need to award a temporary change.

There are other things to consider, aside from his income change. And that is the part that my XWH seems to not understand. He is somehow continuing to live this lavish lifestyle. If he is behind on his payments, the responsible thing to do would be to downgrade his car OR maybe sell his house and get something smaller. No one NEEDS to drive a brand new X5. I am still driving the same car from when we were married and purchased a moderate townhome for our kids and I. (Him and the OW live in a huge house for just them 2. Both my kids have never stayed over there and our daughter has never even been to his home.) But he has always been about image. It just isn't fair that he wants to take away from mine and our kids' lifestyle, but not his own. Throughout our divorce, he kept the fact that he was already living with the OW a secret. Never told anyone. Which means that his monthly calculations were based solely on only his income and now, I can also use the fact that he has an additional household income to take into account. (And she also drives a brand new X5)

I am sorry to hear about your situation as well. It really sucks that their irresponsibility affects so many people around them and they do not seem to give a crap. Hoping things are going much better for you.

Right now, if we were to file a motion, it would be difficult to determine what the modification in alimony would be, if any. That is why we decided to wait, however, I may need to file something soon regardless, because it has been months.

Would your alimony be reduced if he has no job? I would hate for that to happen. Makes me wonder if that is why he stays jobless so he doesn't have to pay.

I hope he does have to sell his home and cars. Him and the OW sound absolutely entitled and ridiculous!

I am so sorry. I read your back story; what a lying sleazeball. It sounds like he and that ridiculous excuse of a woman deserve each other.

I hope you’re able to get the alimony and other financial support you deserve. I’m sorry you have to go through this and co-parent with this man.