SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

Sorry just need a place to rant or just to write things down. Things have been a lot better. The last time I posted a few weeks ago, I caught my WS talking to his Ap who is a work colleague that is in a different office location to him. Anyway so far all communication seems to have ended. He has promised she is no longer working in any joint projects but he has lied over the past two years that he ‘hated her’ and then I hear his very friendly conversation.

Anyway my husband has mentioned having a baby a few times. He knows that I always wanted lots but I feel very hurt and let down that he had an affair while our youngest was 6 months old. I can be very passive aggressive and the last time he brought it up he said, ‘it would be way of showing people we were strong as a couple’ I laughed and said or ‘they will think I am mad’. Anyway he got annoyed by that and was like you ‘see me as a joke as do others and you don’t have the long term interests of this family etc etc’

Anyway, I feel very torn, I always wanted lots but I feel I have as many children as I can manage particularly if I was left on my own (if he did it agin). Him cheating on me again does come into my thinking on this but I don’t know if that is a good way to live my life on a hypothetical. Anyway rant over, I don’t feel I can really talk to anyone about this

[This message edited by Lemonpie at 4:35 PM, Monday, December 2nd]

I agree with your thinking.

Be careful.

Getting you pregnant reduces your freedom to do what you want and increases his freedom to do what he wants.

Him cheating on me again does come into my thinking on this but I don’t know if that is a good way to live my life on a hypothetical.

His cheating is not hypothetical. He did it. Of course you SHOULD live your life knowing full well it could happen again, and IMO, counting on it just in case.

For me, surviving his cheating meant living life on my terms and chasing my dreams. I’d never let his actions keep me from what I want in life. If I wanted another child or 10 more I’d either take the leap with him knowing I may be a single mother at some point or I’d search for a new relationship to develop and procreate knowing that even with a new spouse I may end up alone one day. Do what makes you happy. Life is a crapshoot and full of amazing highs and unfathomable lows,but I won’t crawl in a hole and give up.

he got annoyed by that and was like you ‘see me as a joke as do others and you don’t have the long term interests of this family etc etc’

Wow - the woe is me pity party is strong with your WH.

Having another baby is something only you two can decide as a couple. However, IMHO, wanting to have a baby while he is still in that mindset is a huge red flag for problems.

you don’t have the long term interests of this family

The hypocrisy is astounding.

Your relationship ISN'T strong enough to have a baby. It would be nice if it was, but it isn't. You don't put a heavy weight on a bridge to prove its strength when you aren't sure it will hold.

He hasn't found a new job and has recently broken NC. You are torturing yourself to stay with him while he works with AP. I tortured myself for a year.

Thank you all for taking the time. Yeah I think your advice is how I am feeling. PreA I would have gone for it although tbh he didn’t help at all with the others when they were little but he is being amazing now and is good at providing for us.

The other side of hell- I completely get that I guess I am bringing another life into this, isn’t just about me or my husband but I am torn about it. I get his reasoning too, as everyone knows which is a source of embarrassment for us both and they must wonder how we are still together.

I think what hurts my husband are my passive aggressive snidy comments. It is like he wants to forget any of this happened and I like to remind him why I am not just leaping into this.

What would you want from him if you stay together and have a kid? How much financial support? Hw much effort at housekeeping and child-rearing at home? Would you work outside the home? Travel for work? Would you want him to make sure you are free for x hours/week to pursue your dreams?

What do you want if he split? A college fund - and a commitment to top that up if it's not enough when the kid gets to college? How much child support? How much maintenance (formerly called alimony)? Child care if he's not with you?

Will he commit to providing the necessary support in a legally enforceable way?

Look, he wants a kid so he looks better to people who know him. I'm outraged at that. I hate to think in terms of weakness and strength, because that's defined internally, IMO. But your H wants to look strong externally. I think there isn't much that's weaker than that.

My reco is: do NOT have a kid with this guy unless he funds the childrearing through college or other post-HS program if that's what your child wants.