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These moments happen often. Looking for advice, the affair is a secret I will never tell anyone but my therapist. So I have no one else to ask. Please help.
Anyways, I just noticed that my husband not only took down our couple Halloween photo but deleted it all together. On November 8th.
I can’t see why he would do that. Except to try to show the world he is single. Or to signal to that slit that he’s available to her. Or maybe he just simply didn’t like how he looked in the picture.
He told me that he thought it was weird to still have a Halloween picture up after Halloween in costume.so then switch the photo - don’t delete it all together.

I don’t understand.
Spiraling.
Have 2 small children who can’t afford to have their mom spiral out of control.

How to get through these moments and not derail real life with your kids and responsibilities?

Please help

You are trying to make sense out of a bad situation.

It will never make sense. You know the response you got was a lie. He took the picture down for a very obvious reason - you were in it.

You know it. He knows it.

Read up on the 180 and learn how to protect yourself from enduring more pain. You can only do the 180 when you are strong enough to do so. But I am telling you it does not stop an affair — no one can stop it but the cheater. BUT you don’t have to allow the cheater to have a happy home life with all its benefits either.

The 180 is you stop being his wife. No meals cooked for him. No laundry done for him. No weekend plans with you & family that include him unless absolutely necessary. No errands done for him.

Regarding the triggers. I physically shook for the first 90 days after dday1. By the time dday2 rolled around 6 months later I was a different person.

I had a wonderful therapist that helped me through the pain.

I made plans to financially protect myself (divorce was imminent as my H was kicking me to the curb).

I had a good support system around me with good friends. Family was no help and turned their backs on me (they didn’t want to be "involved").

For triggers and panic, I took 20 minute walks when I could. I also did breathing exercises to help the anxiety pass.

My H was never on social media so I did not have that problem but I stayed off it because the OW was on it all the time. She was a social media millennial whore. 😂

Start separating and detaching from the cheater. If the cheater won’t stop 🛑 cheating then YOU have to do things to protect yourself.

It won't always work. Likely won't work often.

But if you can catch yourself before you trigger and ask "what about what's going on will be different tomorrow? Nothing? Then I'll worry about it then."

Of course... I wouldn't apply that thought process to other things, lol

These moments happen often. Looking for advice

The moment you feel the trigger (not ‘think’ the trigger…actually feel it) stare at those physical feelings. Put all of your awareness on those feelings you have in your body. Your gut, heart, your breathing. Don’t think at all about what caused it, just feel the feeling.

Triggers snap you to the past, but putting your awareness on the triggered body feelings brings you back to the present. The worse the trigger, the stronger the body response, the more powerfully it makes you present right here, right now.

It just takes practice to make it a habit.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 1:02 PM, Tuesday, November 26th]

I will share a few tidbits that have worked for me. With various degrees of success over time. I'm years out but it happens occasionally.

* Box Breathing - Breathe in slowly while counting to 4, Hold your breath for 4 seconds, Slowly exhale through your mouth while counting to 4, Hold your breath for 4 seconds - Repeat.
* Long walks
* A good soak in a hot tub [add anything to it that may give you pleasure]
* Running ice water over my wrist pulse points
* A good cup of coffee and slowly sip/savor each drop
* Cry/yell/scream as necessary
* Grounding Exercises - I carried index cards w/random things on them I had to do [name 3 shiny things I could see, three fuzzy thing I could touch, 3 blue things, etc.] I had a few different cards so I couldn't just have pat answers. I used random things that forced me to change focus.
* Put on my sexiest undies and prettiest lip gloss - that didn't help the pain or trigger but did make me feel slightly more bad ass going through it
* Always have an escape route - I still do this, KNOWING if this happens in public that I have a plan in place lessons the anxiety about having a trigger.
* Bake bread. Nothing like pounding dough during the kneeding process
* Crochet - you get to stab something with a hook and twist.
* Audiobooks - after DDay I lost the ability to read [a favorite passtime] due to the my mind wandering with affair memories - but audiobooks were game changers - I could enjoy my favorite authors and my mind had to focus on what I was hearing
* I carry an emergency Rx of Xanax wherever I go and remind myself there is NO SHAME in using it if none of the above is working.

As for the photo - that's a bullshit answer he gave you. He didn't want AP to see it. A photo of a happy couple destroys the narrative he's trying to sell.

Be gentle with yourself.

You’ve been given good advice on the triggers. As for the Halloween picture, it may be he is hiding something as some have insisted or it may be innocent. It seems like something my husband would do without even thinking about it. I’d tell him that it would mean a lot to you if he put up a new picture of the two of you. See how he responds and how quickly be does it.

What has changed in your situation?
Is he still drinking?
Has he acknowledged that it might be a problem?
Have you talked to him about his drinking?
Is he still active in his affair?
Is he still emotionally abusing you?
Is he still threatening divorce?
Has he done anything about carrying that through?

Honey – I know it’s tough... but look at that list. See how much on it is based on what HE does or does not do.
The only way I know forward for you is to change as much on that list to what YOU do and not what he does. Some of your actions might create change with him, and that change could be positive... or not... but it could and will get YOU to a better place.
Your kids? Do you think they will thrive in an environment where their dad shows his wife constant disrespect and confrontation?

I wish there was something kinder I could share or suggest, but there is no hack here, no short-cut. It’s hard. I know.

Posted in error

[This message edited by Notsogreatexpectations at 11:40 PM, Monday, December 2nd]