SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband had a brief affair 12 years ago, and this forum and all of you were a godsend. Thanks to that plus lots of work and change, we remained married and things were good..or so I thought.

We became empty nesters in September, and I thought we were enjoying this new chapter in our lives, until on Sunday my husband told me he's been unhappy for years, feels unloved, unappreciated, unsupported, and on. He said he needed space to sort through his thoughts about whether the marriage can be saved and even if it can, whether it makes sense to try. He left and is planning to be out of the house indefinitely. We don't have a structure or guidelines or anything in place to help us navigate separation.

This was a total surprise to me. I'm stunned and blindsided, and I don't know where to start besides talking to a therapist, so I have that scheduled.

I haven't told my parents (who would be a huge source of emotional support to me), because I know once I share this news, there's no going back as far as their opinion of him, us, me.

We haven't told our college kids, as this news is three days old, but I have no idea when or how to broach that.

I want to reach out to friends for support but also am wary of sharing personal and private news too broadly right now, especially when the kids don't know.

The only bright spot is that financially I'm secure, independent of him.

For those of you who have been there, what advice do you have? How do I take care of myself and protect my kids, when I'm hanging in limbo?

Oh gosh - I am sorry.

Since he said he has "been unhappy for years". I wonder if he decided (long ago) that he would stick around until the children were gone. If that is the case, then he does not need "space to sort through his thoughts", he knows.

I am so sorry you were blindsided with this.

We don't have a structure or guidelines or anything in place to help us navigate separation.

He left and is planning to be out of the house indefinitely.

Get your ducks in a row...INDEPENDENTLY. Meet with an attorney for some guidance. If he decides he does want to work on the M....then HE can work to win you back (IF YOU EVEN WANT TO BY THEN).

Who and when to tell are highly personal. You do what feels right to you but it does help tremendously to have that shoulder. It is so raw at 3-days so give yourself lots of patience and care while you navigate this surprise bend in the road.

I am so glad you already made an appt for IC.

Thank you, EvenKeel. I'm reeling right now, and I think you're right that he may already have made his decision.

I don't believe he's consciously been planning this for years - no one is that good of an actor, and the few people I've told, who know both of us well, are stunned because they've seen us together and how we interact (which they all describe as the picture of two people in a loving and committed relationship).

But he has never been very connected to his emotions. He knows he's feeling "bad" but can't articulate the feeling (anxious? sad? bored? lonely?) or what might be causing it, and he definitely can't talk about it. So things get held in, held in, held in...until he's beyond a breaking point. That was what led to the affair years ago, and it's what's happening now.

I love this man, in spite of his flaws, and can't believe that we are back in this spot. And I'm kicking myself (blaming myself) for not having insisted on his doing this work fully instead of partially, 12 years ago. I gave 12 years of my all, and here I am. The only silver lining is that those 12 years were allowed me to raise our kids together. They are amazing young adults now, and in spite of our issues, we have both been great parents and were great parenting them together.

Arnold1

The only way you can deal with this is by realizing the enormity and the reality of the situation...

Like... Your college age kids are going to realize something is wrong if dad isn’t at home when they come back for Christmas...

I would suggest the following:
Go online right now and read about what the general rules are about divorce and/or legal separation in your neck of the woods. You want to have a broad picture of the process, the risks, the next steps and what that all could/would look like. You don’t have to start anything – just have a better picture of what you might be facing.

Contact your husband and ask him what he’s thinking... Tell him that he can’t just leave the marriage like that with no plan or clear structure of where you are headed. Irrespective of the marital situation you two need to clarify various practical issues such as bills, income and such.
If he wants divorce – then fine. Not what you necessarily want, but you won’t force him to remain. No – you aren’t willing to "wait" while he decides. He’s had time to decide. It’s either the process of D or a formal separation. But it needs to be formal.
Ask him if he wants to be in on the call where you tell the kids. You want to do that ASAP.

Build up your support network. If your parents can help – reach out. If you have a bestie – reach out. If you have someone that has gone through divorce – reach out.

Your best bet – either at saving your marriage and/or saving your sanity is by taking control. Might not be the heading you expected or the solution you wanted, but action beats waiting for his next step and then being forced to react to that.

My two cents. Based on experience.

My H was unhappy for years. Really he was unhappy for a few weeks due to a request I made that he agreed to, but then didn’t want to keep his word. So he was mad at me for not being a doormat and continuing to let him walk all over me and get his way.

Three weeks into this minor disagreement he meets the OW. Affair starts (pretending their meetings are work related) and he’s pretty soon planning to kick me to the curb.

I suspect your H has been "unhappy" only from the moment he met whoever this OW is. And I do believe there is one. It may not be a full fledged affair but it is someone he’s very interested in and may have had conversations and flirtations with.

He sees or wants a future and is willing to pursue it. 12 years ago your kids were not grown. Now they are. In his mind less reason to stay.

Get prepared. I fear he’s going to move to D very quickly.

I'm kicking myself (blaming myself) for not having insisted on his doing this work fully instead of partially, 12 years ago

Don't you dare own this.

That is on him. He did not do it then nor did he do it over the past years that he has been 'unhappy'. If he DOES decide he wants to work on himself, then great. That has to be first. Then I circle back to:

If he decides he does want to work on the M....then HE can work to win you back (IF YOU EVEN WANT TO BY THEN).

I love this man, in spite of his flaws, and can't believe that we are back in this spot.

You can love him but set a clear boundary for yourself on this. Whether he really needs space or whether there is someone else in the shadows, you need to be clear you are not going to be floating around like Plan B.

Does your family know about the A 12 years ago? Is that why you are concerned if you share this latest, they will be done with him?

During my first M, my ex decided he just did not want to be M anymore so that is a sufficient statement when 'trying to' explain to your children. Turns out my ex didn't want to be M to meeeee. But time reveals that sort of stuff for you and your friends/family will connect those dots.

I forgot to say in my original response, I am so glad that financials are not a burden for you. It is hard enough to think straight in the beginning without financial pressures closing in.

EvenKeel, you're right! And I could have been more clear. I don't own the responsibility for him doing the work...but I do own that deep down, I knew that while he did a lot of work and made tons of great progress (as did we), it might not be enough work...and that we'd end up at this point someday.

I wish I'd had the courage then to be strong about expectations and boundaries related to doing the work, as maybe he would have done the work and I wouldn't be on this forum today, or things would have ended then and I'd have started my new life 12 years sooner. So that part is on me, and I am living with the consequences.

My family doesn't know about the affair, as I wanted a chance at reconciliation without the dynamics that having a bunch of family members taking sides or with opinions would bring. And it feels incomplete to tell them what's going on now, without explaining that whole history, but I also know that having my parents bring up his name or ask about him etc. every time we talk is going to be unbearable for me.

Small positive is that I've been able to mostly hold it together so far today. Shifting my mindset to planning for a divorce has been oddly calming. I'm a planner and a doer, and planning the next steps gives me something to do other than wait around for him to decide what he wants.

So sorry he sprung this on you. that he hasn’t been communicating this supposed unhappiness indicates he never did the work for an open honest relationship. Unfair to you, but at least now you know. (Little consolation, I know. :-( )

Take care of yourself by doing the practical things. If legal separation is a thing in your area, file for that. It’s not D, but it will protect your assets and credit. Meet with a lawyer (or three) to understand what D is like in your area. Knowledge is power and understanding, and that will help you feel less anxious. Find the lawyer you want if you get to D.

Treat yourself extra well. Healthy food, exercise, sleep, IC, journal. this is a shock to your system, so treat your body well. It helps the mind, too.

Think about you. What do YOU want? Do you want the house? Do you want to move?

As for who to tell— that is a personal one. I am a verbal processor, so I NEEDED people to talk to in addition to my IC. So lots of people were in my inner circle. I told my family when I knew the only way to healthy was to D, and if I told them I could not chicken out and go back to the mess of my M. So I told them strategically. But you know yourself.

Hang in there- you will get through this. ((Hugs))

Hey Arnold (sorry, couldn't help it)!

I'm so sorry he did this to you. I'm sure you're all over the place right now.

The only immediate practical advice I have for you is to file a formal separation agreement right now. That stops the clock on the marriage and also takes you off the hook if he decides to go rack up a bunch of credit card debt or pull any other shady financial shit. And I know the knee jerk is to say "he would never...", but they do, all the time. And if he were to go run up $30k of debt, that affects you too.

Tell whoever you need to, whenever you need to. I totally get not wanting everyone to know, but definitely tell a few people that you trust so you have some IRL support.

Hang in there. However it shakes out, you're gonna get through it.

I haven't figured out how to do the quote thing yet so can't copy from the last post about legal separation.

EllieKMAS thank you for your kind words, and unfortuantely my state does not allow legal separation. You are married or divorced.

I have referrals to two attorneys, however, so will contact them next week to learn more about what could be ahead, if we end up on the D path.

Also met with a fantastic counselor for IC, so I'm feeling buoyed about that. She had some great insights from the Gottman research and helped me with some practical ways I can care for myself right now.

Gathering my strength to get through the weekend, when I won't have work and the weekday routine to distract me. Thanks to all of you for the support during this incredibly difficult week.