I’m glad you were able to get to a place that felt better, user. As others have said, your feelings are completely normal.
I don’t know if you saw Groot’s post the other day about how her gut changed the way she felt about music completely because she knew that her WH’s relationship with it and prioritizing it over her and the kids was unhealthy. As has been noted, it was probably way too early for you to enter that environment that is associated with so much pain and trauma for you. You may never want to be involved in it again. Your gut has told you from the beginning to demand that he get out of his band. Be gentle with yourself.
Why do you think you decided to go to this event? You were nervous and apprehensive about going all week, so why do you think that you decided to? I only ask because sometimes we try to rush back into normal patterns, and yours (ours) included stuffing your own feelings to be supportive of him. Do you think that it might have been to show support of him because he seems to be trying harder? Whatever the reason, it’s really important for your recovery to consider why you stuffed your feelings to go. Did it seem really important to him? Or was it important to you to prove something to yourself? Or to him? I’m not making any assumptions or asking for answers. I just think it’s important for you to consider.
Given all that you’ve expressed to him about how traumatic his involvement in the band and that environment has been, it troubles me a little that he wasn’t hyper-sensitive to asking you to go into that environment. Gently, one thing that a remorseful wayward should definitely be is aware of the biggest area of his behavior that you’ve expressed clear trauma about. Was he super solicitous and concerned to make things okay for you? Did he suggest that you leave? Or were you working your hardest to hide your own needs?
I think I’ll talk to him tomorrow and say that while I appreciate the invite and him buying the ticket, I’d rather not go to gigs for a while. I don’t think he even remembers that he took the tinder date to that venue, it was literally a couple of days before his hospitalisation. He was all over the place. I’ll tell him that venue in particular is off limits.
I think because things have been going well I’ve started keeping these little trigger moments to myself but we need to keep having those conversations I guess. I think I hate them more than he does, I find them exhausting and repetitive almost 8 months in.
This is right on. If you want to even try to build a new relationship after his betrayal, as everyone here will tell you, our behavior as BSs has to change too. It does get exhausting to have those conversations, but it may be especially exhausting to those of us who don’t like talking about our own feelings and are prone to prioritizing our partners needs and feelings. It feels, well, weird and tiring to put ourselves out there. But it is really essential to our recovery.
It’s also really essential that he know and respond to your needs and feelings, especially those that arise from being triggered because of the trauma that he caused. He has to develop empathy and care for you. For many waywards, empathy is something they just have very little experience and understanding of. So yes, he needs to hear what his selfishness and disregard cost you on a daily, minute-by-minute basis. Most waywards really struggle with coming close to understanding the huge reach of their actions in your life.
It’s important for you to receive at least an attempt at support from him for the pain he’s caused if he’s able to give it. It’s also really important for you to know if ultimately, he just isn’t going to be capable of it.
Wishing a better day for you tomorrow and hoping that he is open to hearing your feelings without defensiveness or needing to turn the focus to himself. This shit is so hard. Sending you hugs of support and peace.
