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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:14 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

I know I'm supposed to be focusing on myself, and I'm trying

I’m sorry you are struggling. The progression you describe makes a lot of sense. You found your anger and your voice (well done, btw!), you made your needs known, and that was good. But there are many stages to this and there is no authentic running from the sadness of intimate betrayal. It really does take years, even if everything goes well. And please don’t pile on yourself in feeling bad about not focusing on yourself well enough, that will not help you at all. Your brain is injured, much of what you are experiencing is involuntary. Nudge your life daily towards what you know brings you joy, your book sounds like a wonderful example. I understand the difficulty focusing for something like that, but maybe just write a bit a day, or even just brainstorm ideas and write them down. Just something to stoke the spark of your soul with no self judgments of how much you accomplish. Like a crash victim in rehab, just accept where you are and celebrate little progress.

You might be far enough along to read "How Can I Forgive You" by Janis Spring.

She has some really good thoughts on earned forgiveness, and how allowing a good relationship to be built between you and the offender is not accepting, condoning, or "letting them get away" with their bad actions.

This book is not for people just starting the journey on R, but I really understand where you are coming from.

Unfortunately, the reality of the matter is that cheating is just ridiculously unfair. The repercussions of it are felt in more enormity by the BS, even if there are some social implications for the WS. There is no civil, criminal, or other penalty for cheating anymore in most jurisdictions. If you choose R, to some degree, you have to live with the unfairness. This is often called "eating the shit sandwich" around here, and yeah, it sucks.

As for how to deal with lack of motivation related to personal goals, I suggest regiment. It's much easier to "just do" whatever it is you are trying to do if instead of being "motivated/inspired" to do it. I have to set time aside to actually do it. Consistency is more important than intensity. If you want to write a book, set aside an hour every day (or whatever fits in your schedule) to do that. Then at that time, do it.

To be totally honest, you will have more bad days than good, but by just keeping at it, you are much more likely to finish than if you wait until you feel internally motivated to do it again. This is basically what I do with exercise, language learning, and other projects (no current projects underway, TBH). I say "From now until [finish date], I will do [activity] during [time slot on selected days]". More days than not, I'm running slower than I would like, struggling more than I would like, etc. But it's far better than not doing it at all. "I'll just work on it, in my spare time, when I feel like it" is a slow road to nowhere, even if each individual session feels like a triumph. You just won't have done it enough. I'm not suggesting you turn your free time into "work" but if you want to do something substantive with your time you have to do that thing consistently whether or not you want to do that thing in the moment.

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[This message edited by user4578 at 8:15 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

It is wildly unfair, there is no getting around that. But there is no use in getting hung up on that, not when there is so much healing needed.

but I have that constant stream of questions again like 'did he enjoy it more with her?' 'did he prefer the way she did this?' 'does he like this the way she looks more than me?' and so on and on.

DDay for me was 14 years ago and, strangely, I didn't have this problem for a few years, but I do have it now, quite badly. I think it may be connected with the fact my WS has suggested we resume our sex life, and I'm anticipating that we'll go back to our old ways of lacklustre sex which she'll treat as one of her less onerous chores, in contrast to the wild and exciting sex she had with her AP.

It's very difficult to get these details out of your mind when you're still with your WS. It's like a price we pay for our loyalty, which seems so unfair - but there it is.

My philosophy (which won't be helpful to all) is that no-one has a right to be happy, but everyone has the right to do things which are likely to lesson pain and at least to move towards happiness. That's what I try to do, but it's a daily battle. My WS doesn't understand this. I doubt she even knows.