SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am 4 years from DD, still married, and I have not been on here for years. I am in a new phase of my healing and am looking for some resources.

Brief background: My H has done almost all the right things in recovery and I feel he has consistently demonstrated safety and commitment. My big issue with the relationship on his end right now is that he struggles to initiate meaningful conversations with me about the struggles I am having with my healing and mental health. We have done IC and MC and it is a combo of being afraid of saying the wrong thing (I will be sharp with words if he says the wrong thing and he does not speak off the cuff as accurately as I do) and desperately wanting to feel everything is normal.

On my end, in addition to the damage from the betrayal (it was double betrayal), I have been dealing with the decline of my parents’ health as a caretaker and the hurtful lack of meaningful relationship I have had with her throughout my life. Oh and also burnout. At present I am in a long time state of functional freeze/POLF. I can barely feel emotions anymore, and stopped being the one to initiate conversations and connection with my H. He acts hopelessly in love with me, but I am just meh abut it most of the time. Not angry, just not feeling it. Since my H avoids meaningful conversation, and I now just won’t initiate it, we are kind of in a stand off of sorts and limping along. I don’t think he realizes how messed up I still feel mentally. Not the chaos of the early days after DD, just feeling dead inside.

I have spent time working on my parent issues, which are in a good place. I have spent time working on my professional burnout, which is improving. I think I need to come back to working on the infidelity and relationship healing.

What resources are there for people like me further out who have done the initial recovery work? Books, online courses, retreats? I am even open to a couples retreat. I don’t feel the need to rehash the issues we did in the first few years of healing. These are different issue but I am struggling to find help at this stage and any references or advice would be appreciate.

[This message edited by IAF7 at 4:17 AM, Tuesday, August 13th]

Hi there and welcome back! I'm 7 years from DDay, 6 years from DDays 2/3 and 3 years from having to send a Cease & Desist to LTAP for cyberstalking and creating false accounts trying to reach out to WH.

I've spent so much time in the POLF that a section of it has to be named Chaos Lane.

And...I just recently lost my mother. Which has caused me to be super numb.

WH has only recently actually started initiating very meaningful conversations. That are discussions. Not arguments/vents/excuses/justifications/etc. Discussions. It took a long time and was baby steps all the way.

What helped me are the basics - self care, IC, journaling [OK I don't journal - I do keep spreadsheets with columns date/feeling/trigger/notes - many times patterns emerge. Even if they don't I take solace in the fact that I have documented and saved whatever is ruminating around my brain and don't have to let it live there anymore]. I let myself feel the feels and cry the tears.

The POLF is a bitch. And sometimes has no end. And I have found you stay there until you are ready to leave. When you are - and it different from everyone - you have to choose the light. It got to a point with me years out - that in a way I realized the POLF was a security blanket of sorts. It was a known evil where emerging form it was unknown. Essentially - I got sick of myself in it. But the light was scary. And I had to choose to emerge. But I couldn't force it. Just be open to it. It sounds like you are almost there.

WH and I are in a good place. We started going on dates again. Not just grabbing dinner after running errands. But dates. We go to moves, go dancing, went on a few long weekends together [rented condos not hotels - I can't w/hotels after his LTA], go kayaking together, go to concerts. It started slow. I was meh for a long time. It is a bumpy ride - I decided to enjoy it knowing all along I could get off any time I choose. But...it would be my choice.

Think Princess Bride paraphrase - Good Night WH, Sleep Well, I'll most likely D you in the morning. Knowing I could took away some of the panic. Yet here we are - still together forging a future as a couple.

Books:

MC: Seven Principles and What Makes Love Last by Gottman are both good at this point. Not sure what books you already used in MC.

MC/IC: How can I forgive you? By Janis Spring

IC: The Body Keeps the Score

More likely than not you've already read these. But if not, I highly recommend them.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:03 PM, Monday, August 12th]

Chaos-Thank you very much. This is helpful. I am pretty sick of myself finally, which is why I think I was compelled to come back here. I just need to muster up the motivation to do something about it. I guess caring enough to come on here is a first step.

This0is0fine-Yes, I have read those books but at a completely different stage of this journey. Maybe it is time to read some of them again. I think I would take different meaning from it at present.

I have found that re-reading things from the perspective of time can be helpful. The shock and awe is done, the dust has settled [as much as it can] and you are in a place of healing [at least the wound isn't gaping and bledding out].

Now, I've also started re-reading some things and found myself triggered back to that shock and awe of DDay - then I put it down and tell myself that book/article will be there later. And I slowly back away.

You'll know when the time comes. And it not linear. But if you start and feel triggered - put it down! If you start and feel a new perspective that comes from healing and time - keep going.

I am five years out from dday and am feeling the meh as well. I mentioned to a friend that I was waiting for the "better relationship" to come but I don't really see any significant changes. She mentioned that I should probably be an active participant in this new relationship but I just feel so meh. Things are good when he does take initiative but the rest is just okay. I feel my friend is probably right but I can't bring myself to be as all in as I was before the affair. Any recommendations on how to get over this hump at this stage would be great.

...he struggles to initiate meaningful conversations with me about the struggles I am having with my healing and mental health.

My (fw)W complains that I don't share enough with her, so I know I'm not good at sharing. But I don't understand how I can perceive enough of her mind for me to initiate discussions about her problems. She has to tell me about them first - and even then, I can't initiate much beyond, 'How is it going with ____ today?'

Can you write more about what you expect from him that you're not getting?

Sisoon

Can you write more about what you expect from him that you're not getting?

Sorry it took me a while to come back to this. At a basic level, initiating a conversation such as the following would be helpful:

"You’ve mentioned/I’ve noticed you are struggling emotionally. How are things going with you? Do you want to talk about what you are struggling about?"

"I know we had a difficult argument the other day, can we talk about it?"

"This time of year might be really triggering for you. How are you doing?"

"I have been feeling off recently about [fill in the blank]. What do you think? What are you feeling?"

"It’s been a while since we’ve talked to each other about our relationship. What are you thinking about our relationship right now?"

"We had a conversation about [fill in the blank] and I wanted to check in with you about it."

"What can I do to help us connect better?"

I could go on about this, but just some initiation is what I am looking for. I don’t even get a "how are you?", but just some interest in the emotional side of things even if an open ended questions.

[This message edited by IAF7 at 5:06 AM, Monday, September 9th]