SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello friends, I’m hoping some of you sage warriors on here can give me some advice. Please forgive me, because this will be LONG……
3 and a half years ago, I caught my husband with his hand up the skirt of a woman who was supposed to be my friend. At my dinner table. In my house. We were all 4 (her husband included!) of us sat around the table and I just thought….where is his hand? And I looked and….yep, up her skirt. Right in front of me.
I cannot begin to tell you how shocked I was. She is 20 years my senior, not a very nice person (husband and I had had MANY chats about how bitchy she was and how jealous she seemed to be of me - oh the fucking irony!) not attractive at all and obsessed with money. In hindsight I cannot believe I ever entertained her, but they had been clients of our business, I’m a massive people pleaser and I felt an obligation.
So, the shit hit the fan in a MASSIVE way. After they left, I went bananas, he was drunk, he went to bed. I honestly spent the night feeling suicidal. The next morning, I woke him up and he told me that this "groping" had been going on for 3 months. We alternated dinner at each others houses every week and all the weeks at her house, the seating arrangement meant he could grope her whilst we were all sat having dinner. I was floored. Literally floored, I didn’t know WHAT to do or what had been going on. So I insisted that he phone her and tell her I knew. Well, she then told us both that her husband knew about the "groping" (I cannot for one minute understand why anyone would accept this) but honestly, my stupid dick of a husband was distressed and I do believe it’s true….somehow HER husband knew what was going on. But MY husband (pathetic twat) didn’t know he knew?
Long story short, it’s been a disaster and I have NOT dealt with it well. We kept seeing them for a while (I know, I know, and that is on me and my people pleasing ways. Idiot husband wanted to cut them off immediately)
I won’t bore you with the details, but we cut them off after a few months but then he trickle truthed me to death.
This culminated in my insisting on a polygraph. Absolutely NOT the norm in the uk but I know him better than I know myself and yep….polygraph showed he was lying.. he then confessed to a further minor incident with her.
And that is where we are. My husband has looked me in the eye and lied to me for the last 3.5 years (all the while under going therapy and swearing he was a changed man and was telling the truth)
He now appears baffled that I don’t believe a word he says and I have no idea whether any of the last 20 years of my life have been true. Oh, and he’s refusing to do another polygraph.
There are no children involved (well….he has a now adult daughter who I love like my own and she will be very disappointed in him) I am financially independent and, as I’m typing this now, I can’t believe I’m still here.
But I loved him, I really, truly, heartfelt loved him. I’m a fool. He is refusing to take any further polygraphs because apparently I need to "understand how awful that was for him". And just believe him moving forward?
Also, according to him "other people" (I must confess, I don’t actually know who those people are) would get over this because "I didn’t shag her". He can’t quite understand that, due to his massive amount of lies, I don’t KNOW that.
He has massive FOO issues, which he is working through with a therapist, but I have my own issues (massive neglect which he KNEW about) and actually, for once in my life, I’d just like someone to care for me.
I’m posting this because I’m just…..done. 33 years ago I had a big birthday which both my parents forgot because they were too caught up in new relationships. I SWORE to myself at 13 that no one would make me feel like this ever again. But. Here I am. Thank you for reading if you got to the end!

I am soooo sorry for you. Accept the virtual hug.

I’d like to point out a few things. The OW isn’t anything special, she was just available.

Your H has a million excuses as to what he will and won’t do. All for his benefit and not yours.

I hope you put yourself first now. Find your own counselor and get yourself some support. Figure out what you need.

Learn to not be so afraid of investing in yourself. And decide your future without regard to him. If you want to stay together it’s on your terms.

He either meets your full needs w/out his family history making it seem like he’s got ready made excuses. Or you separate or divorce or live with him but somewhat separate.

He’s not your priority. You are.

What first wife said!

What has. He done to address his issues? It sounds like some rug sweeping here….

And I echo that you need to decide what you want, what a salvageable M looks like to you. Then you need to hold your boundaries. A good IC can help with this.

This sucks. Sorry you are still with one that hasn’t fully gotten it yet.

I have great difficulty seeing a WS who refuses a polygraph as a good candidate for R.

Love is simply not enough for rebuilding an M broken by infidelity. IMO, one needs to love oneself to love another. Certainly a BS needs to let love for the WS outweigh love for oneself to R, but there are limits, and the BS has to set their own limit. What is yours? Your H seems to expect you to stifle yourself for the rest of your life together. That is too long for me....

He is refusing to take any further polygraphs because apparently I need to "understand how awful that was for him".

I wonder which he would find most awful:

1. Taking a second polygraph that proves he's telling the truth
2. Finding out you've given several months of hand jobs to a house guest with him sitting oblivious at the same table
3. #2 plus suspecting you shagged said guest because you've lied multiple times since being caught
4. Divorce.

I wonder which he would find most awful:

1. Taking a second polygraph that proves he's telling the truth
2. Finding out you've given several months of hand jobs to a house guest with him sitting oblivious at the same table
3. #2 plus suspecting you shagged said guest because you've lied multiple times since being caught
4. Divorce.

<mic drop>

Bravesirrobin…..believe me, I have asked him exactly that. He just looks terrified and says he doesn’t want to divorce, that he loves me, blah blah. But won’t do a further polygraph. My current therapist (I ditched the first one, who knew us both and told me he was a good man, but I’d just have to accept that he would always lie to me 🤦‍♀️) doesn’t know him but says he is stuck in shame. He did have an extremely awful and damaging childhood, none of which was his fault, but which has damaged him immensely. I see that, I always did. BUT, none of that is my fault or my responsibility? I have by no means been a perfect wife, I too have my faults, but I have been honest, loyal and faithful. I have supported him and his children through thick and thin - not that it did me any good!
I don’t actually think he shagged this rancid old bag - for no other reason than no opportunity (and believe me when I say literally none) and the fact that SHE wouldn’t have. She wanted to fuck me over, but she wouldn’t have risked her millions for anyone. I give her no headspace or time. She was just an orifice and I think about her as such.
My main issue though is….how THE ACTUAL FUCK do I know if this was a "one off" Has he been doing this shit our entire marriage?? THAT is what keeps me awake at night……

I see that, I always did. BUT, none of that is my fault or my responsibility?

It’s not your fault or your responsibility. This is HIS WORK TO FIX.
Without fixing this through intentional and authentic ( and possibly long-term) IC, he won’t change.
You cannot fix him. He has to want to do this. And this means he has to take a hard look at who he is and what he has done, how he treats others like you.

Nothing changes unless something changes. That has to be him.
You can encourage. You can enable. You can support. You can do lots of things- but you can’t make him want to face his own demons.

Again, what would safe boundaries look like for you? Are you in IC? I found IC helped me understand why I enabled my WS’s shitty ways and put up with for too long. We all have FOO - and it is each our responsibility to examine it, learn from it, and grow from it into better people.

I can see 'stuck in shame'. It's best for him to get unstuck, so the poly is just some terrible-tasting medicine. It could be good for him.

I'm sorry about his traumas. Addressing them seems better for both of you, but especially for him, than catering to them.